Not competitive

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Alternative view:

'This is amazing! I love this, I've tried so hard, worked at it and I'm proud of myself and want my life partner to be proud of me - and to share this wonderful experience with me!'

Nah, you're alright. I'm not that interested in doing all that stuff. It's too much like hard work for me.


(Thinks) But I want to share it with you. I want to see you animated and smile and get this great feeling. I want your face to light up when you look at me.


'When can we go home?'


(Thinks) but this is important to me. We're important to me.

'Im off for a cuppa and a sit down because I've had enough of this'

(Thinks) you think what I do is boring and unimportant and I'm not doing anything special.

'If you keep trying, you could do something that feels amazing'

'Nah. Can't be doing with all that.'

(He feels)
'I don't see the point of this stuff you like. It's boring and it's hard work and I couldn't care less whether somebody does this nonsense or not. I don't give a stuff about how important this is or how much you need to feel like I give a damn about wanting to feel supported. I'll come along because I suppose I have to. Now I want to go home and sit on the sofa and wait to be middle aged, overweight and make cutting comments about you and your immature games'



I have an ex who insisted he could have been a great drummer, but he didnt want to have lessons because it wasn't that important, he was happy 'improvising' and telling me I wasn't a good enough bassist to do anything. He couldnt even manage a steady 4/4. When I got gigs, on the one he came to, he whined that he wanted to go home within five minutes and threw a strop when I spoke to the guys in the band at the bar for five minutes. The rest, he didn't bother and stayed on the sofa watching telly. He wouldn't go for a walk because it made his feet hurt, he wouldn't exercise because it involved being a pick awkward and maybe uncomfortable, he wouldn't go out if there was the possibility of having to interact with somebody who had the same passion for music as I do. Seemed to alternately not care or be deliberately trying to guilt me into not enjoying myself so I'd spend all my time indoors with him.


What happened in the end was I got fed up with the listless, disinterested and dismissive attitude to everything. So I went without him and found I was far happier when he wasn't there, telling people he was a drummer and then, when offered the chance to play, implying 'I'm just happy doing it at home, which means I'm not interested in that making a fuss/practice/effort thing you lot seem to find important for some reason'

Been with the OH for two years this weekend. He comes to everything I do, I go to every gig he plays, he supports me totally and is proud and happy to share those moments with me - and is over the moon that I'm enthusiastic about what he does because I understand what it feels like. And it's amazing.

Yup. I didn't cheat, but I dumped him and got together with somebody who wasn't trying to drag me back into his little black cloud of disinterest and negativity. Perhaps if I'd felt he actually gave a damn about what is an intrinsic part of me, I'd have felt there was something worth working on.


There's not much more soul destroying than somebody who seems to think the things that make your heart soar are far too much like hard work to give a stuff over and, moreover, you've got no interest in exerting yourself to find something that does cause any excitement.


I'm not saying you're in the wrong - but he could easily be feeling dismissed and rejected. And scared the rest of your marriage is going to consist of you sighing and going through the motions (until such point as you have a kid and then you'll sit at home/never be that bothered about what the child achieves, because achievement isn't any special).



I thought I was competitive. But I compete with myself. On our indoor evenings, we are watching quiz shows and congratulating each other on getting correct answers - or funny ones - or pulling faces at how dim the contestants are.

purpleshoes_2

Its not compulsory to have the same interests just because you are married, I'm pretty sure loads of couples like totally different sports and leisure interests.

His reaction is a tad over the top.

Georgiegirl256

Jojo, I think that sums it all up perfectly!

coolcait

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Alternative view:

'This is amazing! I love this, I've tried so hard, worked at it and I'm proud of myself and want my life partner to be proud of me - and to share this wonderful experience with me!'

Nah, you're alright. I'm not that interested in doing all that stuff. It's too much like hard work for me.


(Thinks) But I want to share it with you. I want to see you animated and smile and get this great feeling. I want your face to light up when you look at me.


'When can we go home?'


(Thinks) but this is important to me. We're important to me.

'Im off for a cuppa and a sit down because I've had enough of this'

(Thinks) you think what I do is boring and unimportant and I'm not doing anything special.

'If you keep trying, you could do something that feels amazing'

'Nah. Can't be doing with all that.'

(He feels)
'I don't see the point of this stuff you like. It's boring and it's hard work and I couldn't care less whether somebody does this nonsense or not. I don't give a stuff about how important this is or how much you need to feel like I give a damn about wanting to feel supported. I'll come along because I suppose I have to. Now I want to go home and sit on the sofa and wait to be middle aged, overweight and make cutting comments about you and your immature games'



I have an ex who insisted he could have been a great drummer, but he didnt want to have lessons because it wasn't that important, he was happy 'improvising' and telling me I wasn't a good enough bassist to do anything. He couldnt even manage a steady 4/4. When I got gigs, on the one he came to, he whined that he wanted to go home within five minutes and threw a strop when I spoke to the guys in the band at the bar for five minutes. The rest, he didn't bother and stayed on the sofa watching telly. He wouldn't go for a walk because it made his feet hurt, he wouldn't exercise because it involved being a pick awkward and maybe uncomfortable, he wouldn't go out if there was the possibility of having to interact with somebody who had the same passion for music as I do. Seemed to alternately not care or be deliberately trying to guilt me into not enjoying myself so I'd spend all my time indoors with him.


What happened in the end was I got fed up with the listless, disinterested and dismissive attitude to everything. So I went without him and found I was far happier when he wasn't there, telling people he was a drummer and then, when offered the chance to play, implying 'I'm just happy doing it at home, which means I'm not interested in that making a fuss/practice/effort thing you lot seem to find important for some reason'

Been with the OH for two years this weekend. He comes to everything I do, I go to every gig he plays, he supports me totally and is proud and happy to share those moments with me - and is over the moon that I'm enthusiastic about what he does because I understand what it feels like. And it's amazing.

Yup. I didn't cheat, but I dumped him and got together with somebody who wasn't trying to drag me back into his little black cloud of disinterest and negativity. Perhaps if I'd felt he actually gave a damn about what is an intrinsic part of me, I'd have felt there was something worth working on.


There's not much more soul destroying than somebody who seems to think the things that make your heart soar are far too much like hard work to give a stuff over and, moreover, you've got no interest in exerting yourself to find something that does cause any excitement.


I'm not saying you're in the wrong - but he could easily be feeling dismissed and rejected. And scared the rest of your marriage is going to consist of you sighing and going through the motions (until such point as you have a kid and then you'll sit at home/never be that bothered about what the child achieves, because achievement isn't any special).



I thought I was competitive. But I compete with myself. On our indoor evenings, we are watching quiz shows and congratulating each other on getting correct answers - or funny ones - or pulling faces at how dim the contestants are.

That's a heartfelt post. With several very different relationship issues going on.

You had a previous relationship with a person who claimed to be able to do things, but who couldn't back that claim up with actions. The OP has been honest about her awareness of what she can and can't do. so, not the same kind of person as your ex.

Your ex actively undermined and dismissed your achievements. I don't see any of that behaviour in the OP's description of what she does and feels. I do see that in the OP's description of her husband's behaviour.

I don't see where the OP is belittling her husband's efforts, or anyone else's efforts. Quite the contrary.

Maybe it's because I also have a huge fear of heights, but I can completely relate to the OP's description of feeling fear rather than a sense of achievement when standing on a summit.

Been there, done that. On an intellectual level, getting to that summit was a huge achievement, both in terms of the physical challenge and the mental challenge of getting there despite my fear of heights.

My abiding memory, however, is the feeling of terror, which lasted until I was back at a level where I felt comfortable.

However, I would be quite happy to challenge myself by working on, and perfecting, manoeuvres at a level where I felt comfortable. If someone else believes that there's no point in climbing unless it's to get to the top, then I respect that view. It would be nice if they could also respect my view.

I'm 'not competitive' in the sense that I don't get distraught or huffy if I don't win; in the sense that I enjoy the social aspect of whatever game or competition I'm taking part in; and in the sense that I'd rather 'take part', even if I lose.

I'd like to win any game that I'm taking part in; I'm happy if I do win; and I play to the best of my ability - which makes it more likely that I might win. However, I don't make a song and dance about it - so people who are more overtly 'competitive' might see me as being 'not interested'.

They're wrong.

My 'interest' simply takes a different form from theirs.

It shouldn't really be so difficult to accept that people are just different in the way they view 'competitiveness', yet this thread demonstrates that it is an issue.

uberalles

Rambosmum wrote: »

I just don't know what to do. I enjoy playing board games and rock climbing but I'm not prepared to get competitive because other people feel I should.

Do nothing, be yourself, it's a very nice trait.

I am a very competitive fella and I find it extremely refreshing when a person taking part does so in a light hearted manner (probably wrong turn of phrase) and does not feel they too have to win.

Personally if I commit to something then I'll put in as much work / training to succeed at it but I do acknowledge that we aren't all the same.

My comments to you are based around playing games and doing zumba etc. On the flipside to what I say, I feel I may be a bit miffed if, for example, there were limited spaces in a marathon, then you turned up without training and gave up after 5 miles.

But when it comes to playing games, or doing something that has absolutely no detriment to others, like playing the guitar badly, then good for you girl.

tea_lover

purpleshoes wrote: »

I just wanted to finish it. Crossing that line and getting the medal/goody bag was enough for me.

Exactly! You seem to be (deliberately!) missing the point that a few of us are making. It is nothing to do with winning, with a podium finish, with crossing the line ahead of others. It's about crossing the line at all, about knowing that you did your best. If your best is crawling around the course like a snail with a bad leg then good for you for having a go.

I've been to sporting events where the people crossing the line hours after the others got the loudest cheers. Brilliant! That's a completely different scenario to entering a triathlon (or whatever event), then going home after 10 minutes because it's 'too hard'.

Rambosmum

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Alternative view:

'This is amazing! I love this, I've tried so hard, worked at it and I'm proud of myself and want my life partner to be proud of me - and to share this wonderful experience with me!'

Nah, you're alright. I'm not that interested in doing all that stuff. It's too much like hard work for me.


(Thinks) But I want to share it with you. I want to see you animated and smile and get this great feeling. I want your face to light up when you look at me.


'When can we go home?'


(Thinks) but this is important to me. We're important to me.

'Im off for a cuppa and a sit down because I've had enough of this'

(Thinks) you think what I do is boring and unimportant and I'm not doing anything special.

'If you keep trying, you could do something that feels amazing'

'Nah. Can't be doing with all that.'

(He feels)
'I don't see the point of this stuff you like. It's boring and it's hard work and I couldn't care less whether somebody does this nonsense or not. I don't give a stuff about how important this is or how much you need to feel like I give a damn about wanting to feel supported. I'll come along because I suppose I have to. Now I want to go home and sit on the sofa and wait to be middle aged, overweight and make cutting comments about you and your immature games'

What happened in the end was I got fed up with the listless, disinterested and dismissive attitude to everything. So I went without him and found I was far happier when he wasn't there, telling people he was a drummer and then, when offered the chance to play, implying 'I'm just happy doing it at home, which means I'm not interested in that making a fuss/practice/effort thing you lot seem to find important for some reason'

Been with the OH for two years this weekend. He comes to everything I do, I go to every gig he plays, he supports me totally and is proud and happy to share those moments with me - and is over the moon that I'm enthusiastic about what he does because I understand what it feels like. And it's amazing.

Yup. I didn't cheat, but I dumped him and got together with somebody who wasn't trying to drag me back into his little black cloud of disinterest and negativity. Perhaps if I'd felt he actually gave a damn about what is an intrinsic part of me, I'd have felt there was something worth working on.


There's not much more soul destroying than somebody who seems to think the things that make your heart soar are far too much like hard work to give a stuff over and, moreover, you've got no interest in exerting yourself to find something that does cause any excitement.


I'm not saying you're in the wrong - but he could easily be feeling dismissed and rejected. And scared the rest of your marriage is going to consist of you sighing and going through the motions (until such point as you have a kid and then you'll sit at home/never be that bothered about what the child achieves, because achievement isn't any special).



I thought I was competitive. But I compete with myself. On our indoor evenings, we are watching quiz shows and congratulating each other on getting correct answers - or funny ones - or pulling faces at how dim the contestants are.

But I don't do this.

I stand at the bottom of the wall, belaying him, cheering him on, encouraging him to get to the top, suggesting other ways he could do the move he is struggling with (if he asks for it). When he achieves his goal he gets a hug and a kiss and a heartfelt well done. Or if he doesn't he gets a hug and kiss and a heartfelt 'we'll try again next time'.

There are plenty of things he does which I have no interest in- he's a massive computer geek and talks to me for hour about a program he's working on. I listen intently, ask questions and sometimes learn something, not because I care about it but because I care about him! Same with him - he has no idea about the intricacies of my job but he listens whilst I prattle on, nods in the right places and I feel valued. Just not in our joint activities because I don't do them the same way he does.

UPDATE: I spoke with a friend he had said agreed with him.

She said that she did find it odd that I didn't get to the top of walls but once I explained as I have on here she said she didn't get it but could now understand more how I climb how I do and won't try forcing me up them wall anymore! That she loves climbing with me and wants me to continue coming. She also said that she can see how I enjoy board games and only got annoyed when OH forced me to play a game when it was clear I didn't want to and both she and I (and her husband who we usually play with) would be happy for me to sit it out and just watch/ join in the conversations. She agreed that as a group we play games as part of spending time together, we don't get together with the sole intention of playing games.

She did say that she would see doing what I do as climbing as giving up but doesn't when I do it, as she knows my limits, and she had assumed (as you would) that when I climb I aim to get to the top. Now she knows that I climb to enjoy it she is perfectly happy with me not getting to the top and just doing what I enjoy- she did suggest that I therefore try harder routes and just do them lower down, which I agreed would be good, but my OH feels if I can't get to the top of an easier one I shouldn't do harder ones- she said 'screw him' (even though he's one of her best friends!)

And she said that I definitely don't ruin everyone's fun. And she values that I come along to things even when she knows I'll hate them and even if I don't join in because she knows I'm there to support them.

So she made me feel much better.

OH still isn't talking to me though.

Jagraf

tea_lover wrote: »

Exactly! You seem to be (deliberately!) missing the point that a few of us are making. It is nothing to do with winning, with a podium finish, with crossing the line ahead of others. It's about crossing the line at all, about knowing that you did your best. If your best is crawling around the course like a snail with a bad leg then good for you for having a go.

I've been to sporting events where the people crossing the line hours after the others got the loudest cheers. Brilliant! That's a completely different scenario to entering a triathlon (or whatever event), then going home after 10 minutes because it's 'too hard'.

I am petrified of heights ( to the point where I physically shake and do the weirdest crawling movements to hold on to the ground ). When my ex husband and I were together, we used to travel a lot. There were sometimes unforeseen situations for me where my fright would take over. This could be winding roads with edges with no barriers, even escalators sometimes did it for me! He used to pressurise me into activities he enjoyed - skiing was one I always remember. Every time I had a panic attack he blamed me for not trying, couldn't understand why I didn't want to ski / rock climb etc. he couldn't comprehend that (a) I was scared and (b) I didn't want to 'overcome' my issue. We divorced and he's still trying to compete, badly, at everything which makes him look good.

Out of sheer 'luck' my OH was also scared of heights. This means I am free to feel what I want, not only from a heights thing, but with anything. My achievements are my own. My heights issue has gotten better, but no amount of his pressure would have helped.

So what if I give up after ten minutes, that's up to me. I prioritise what I find important, maybe I prefer a clean house, a leisurely stroll, a walk with the dog? I don't care if others have a dirty house, that's up to the, (not that mine is very clean anyway lol).

The biggest downfall in a person is not letting the other one do as they wish.

Jagraf

Rambosmum wrote: »

But I don't do this.

I stand at the bottom of the wall, belaying him, cheering him on, encouraging him to get to the top, suggesting other ways he could do the move he is struggling with (if he asks for it). When he achieves his goal he gets a hug and a kiss and a heartfelt well done. Or if he doesn't he gets a hug and kiss and a heartfelt 'we'll try again next time'.

There are plenty of things he does which I have no interest in- he's a massive computer geek and talks to me for hour about a program he's working on. I listen intently, ask questions and sometimes learn something, not because I care about it but because I care about him! Same with him - he has no idea about the intricacies of my job but he listens whilst I prattle on, nods in the right places and I feel valued. Just not in our joint activities because I don't do them the same way he does.

UPDATE: I spoke with a friend he had said agreed with him.

She said that she did find it odd that I didn't get to the top of walls but once I explained as I have on here she said she didn't get it but could now understand more how I climb how I do and won't try forcing me up them wall anymore! That she loves climbing with me and wants me to continue coming. She also said that she can see how I enjoy board games and only got annoyed when OH forced me to play a game when it was clear I didn't want to and both she and I (and her husband who we usually play with) would be happy for me to sit it out and just watch/ join in the conversations. She agreed that as a group we play games as part of spending time together, we don't get together with the sole intention of playing games.

She did say that she would see doing what I do as climbing as giving up but doesn't when I do it, as she knows my limits, and she had assumed (as you would) that when I climb I aim to get to the top. Now she knows that I climb to enjoy it she is perfectly happy with me not getting to the top and just doing what I enjoy- she did suggest that I therefore try harder routes and just do them lower down, which I agreed would be good, but my OH feels if I can't get to the top of an easier one I shouldn't do harder ones- she said 'screw him' (even though he's one of her best friends!)

And she said that I definitely don't ruin everyone's fun. And she values that I come along to things even when she knows I'll hate them and even if I don't join in because she knows I'm there to support them.

So she made me feel much better.

OH still isn't talking to me though.

Why are people so interested in other people's lives?

Georgiegirl256

Jagraf wrote: »

He used to pressurise me into activities he enjoyed - skiing was one I always remember. Every time I had a panic attack he blamed me for not trying, couldn't understand why I didn't want to ski / rock climb etc. he couldn't comprehend that (a) I was scared and (b) I didn't want to 'overcome' my issue. We divorced and he's still trying to compete, badly, at everything which makes him look good.

No one should ever be forced to do an activity that they don't want to do.