Not competitive

Rambosmum

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

As the OP was talking about rock climbing, that's what I was commenting on.

Your examples of horse riding and gardening for example, I get where you're coming from but those are things that you can if you so wish just happily potter away with. The overall goal of rock climbing is to reach the summit, it isn't something that you can continuously potter away at the same level IMO. When you're first learning then obviously you might be wary and not want to go too far off the ground, but after that surely you'd want to try and reach the top?

Like I say, just mho.

I've been rock climbing for nearly a decade, I'm definitely not a beginner, however I have no desire to reach top. And it certainly isn't the aim for me. As far as I'm concerned rock climbing, like gardening and horse riding and pretty much everything else you can think of can be things you just potter at! But that's the difference, you are like my OH in that he feels there has to be a point to something where as I feel differently. What I need to know is how we come to an agreement to disagree!

Mojisola

Rambosmum wrote: »

I hadn't considered he might be cheating, I'll need to investigate that one. I hope not. We've only been married 3 months.

I think you'd have seen other signs if anything had happened but maybe he's seen a couple where both are competitive at their sport (or just a woman) and thought he'd enjoy himself more if you were like that, too.

The chances are he wouldn't because having a laid-back partner can be very beneficial to someone who likes to win.

Could you get him to talk about why this has become an issue now?

Georgiegirl256

Rambosmum wrote: »

As for board games, I play by the rules, make moves which get my piece further along the board but I very rarely consider other players strategies which OH does - he's always looking at what others are likely to do and try and block them to prevent them winning- I just don't think like that.

For a lot of board games though, that's the whole point is it not?

I do climb higher than 2 meters. I'm not a fan of heights so I rarely get to the top of the wall, unless it's a really short wall such as the low walls at the indoor climbing centre. I also boulder, which is more my height. But the effort I put in is not related to how high I go. And for me, the effort required to get me higher than I am comfortable with is in no way worth the feeling at the top, which has not sense of achievement in it, just abject fear and resentment at myself for climbing that high. But I still love it, I stop loving it when I push past my comfort zone.

Can I ask what you do when you get to your comfort zone? Because if it's only a few metres, it's not going to take very long.
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Comments above in red.

lostinrates

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

As the OP was talking about rock climbing, that's what I was commenting on.

Your examples of horse riding and gardening for example, I get where you're coming from but those are things that you can if you so wish just happily potter away with. The overall goal of rock climbing is to reach the summit, it isn't something that you can continuously potter away at the same level IMO. When you're first learning then obviously you might be wary and not want to go too far off the ground, but after that surely you'd want to try and reach the top?

Like I say, just mho.

As you say your opinion.

Suppose you wanted to improve your rock climbing ability for, say, tricky beach combing? I've never been rock climbing. Ever. So know nothing about it. I spent much of my childhood scrambling along and over bits of rocky faced edge on islands.....looking at geysers, exploring caves, a bit higher than my head etc. I have no interest whatsoever in climbing mountains or high rock faces, but if I still lived over those beaches I'd still be scrambling over them, never getting very high. I'd be interested in finding stuff or food or exploring.



Its great people can be different, eh? And get different things out of similar activities. I've been very competitive in other areas and am much less so now. I prefer a less competitive more contemplative approach now, as I find an approach as an amateur to life both more enjoyable, and bizarrely, often allows better performance.

eskimo26

Rambosmum wrote: »

I hadn't considered he might be cheating, I'll need to investigate that one. I hope not. We've only been married 3 months.

Cha-Ching you'd be surprised how many side lined issues come to the fore once your married, their is often the attitude that she/he isn't going anywhere now so I can let them have it with all cylinders.

Has it coincided with the wedding? Has he changed or become more forthright? It might occur after the honeymoon period though.

I'd be telling him that you'll no longer be doing those activities together, period. No argument. Your clearly incompatible in this particular area so why keep irritating the wound?

The way you describe his emotional intelligence has a small touch of Aspergers about it tbh. perfectionist + narcissist personality doesn't bode well for your future relationship.

Nip it in the bud hard.

lulu_92

I'm selectively competitive but I do believe it's the taking part that counts, not the winning or losing. Fair enough if OP was a professional rock climber but as a hobby I think she should be able to do it how she pleases. She is not stopping her OH from doing it his way either.

I like to bake. I like to see if my cakes are better every time I make them. If they burn I get annoyed but if they don't taste as good I am not inconsolable. Once I made a cake for work shaped like a bingo dabber and it ended up looking quite rude. Yeah I was a bit miffed that I'd "failed" but the fun we had about it was even better than if it had turned out perfect.

egoode

Rambosmum wrote: »

I think he see's me not pushing myself as me giving up. When actually I'm not, it is just how he would feel if he didn't push himself. I just don't enjoy pushing myself, I'm content with what I can do. And if I enjoy it I'll naturally get better just by doing it more, not by continually trying to achieve things which are not me, which makes me miserable and not enjoy the thing I'm doing.

I wonder if he's maybe seeing this as a lack of ambition. I know I can be quite competitive and I'm also someone who sets goal and makes plans to reach those goals but always try and reach those goals faster than I originally planned.

I would find it really hard to be with someone I felt wasn't pushing themselves a little or seemed to just float through life with little thought about where they are heading. I can't tell from your posts if this is what you are like but when you talked about not being strategic in board games I wondered if you are the same in life.

purpleshoes_2

Just because people aren't ultra competitive doesn't mean they don't know what they want from life.

Id also be concerned that he was on your case about this some time before you got married and that hes making a big deal about this now.

He's being awful to her but she's getting all the flak because she's not competitive enough?

Seriously, what happened to playing a game of Monopoly or similar just for the fun of it?

Does everything need to be taken so seriously particularly as it's essentially meant to be fun?

Jagraf

VestanPance wrote: »

Well running is one of the disciplines I train for and work to improve in, and as a multiple marathon and long distance triathlon finisher yes I can see the training in somebodies performance.

Genetically we're all different and have different natural strengths, but lack of training or bad training is always visible and if you enter something then why not train to be the best you can be at it? If you can't be bothered putting the training in then why bother entering in the first place?

Sometimes we don't want to put as much effort into one thing, as we do another, but we enjoy it all the same.

I enter some quite big cycling events but they take me all day to complete them ,as I'm not bothered how quick my time is, that isn't what gives me a buzz. It genuinely is the taking part.

Mojisola

Rambosmum wrote: »

My husband and I have been together about 9 years, but only recently married, we lived together for about 6 years though.

egoode wrote: »

I would find it really hard to be with someone I felt wasn't pushing themselves a little or seemed to just float through life with little thought about where they are heading. I can't tell from your posts if this is what you are like but when you talked about not being strategic in board games I wondered if you are the same in life.

So you wouldn't have spend 9 years in a relationship before making an issue of it?

The answer the OP's husband needs to give is what's changed in that he finds her way of living so difficult now.