Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

No alcohol - 23/28.
No sweet treats - 10/31. :rotfl: It seems we cannot deal with no pudding / dessert after dinner. That said, we have no snacks or anything other than fruit after lunch.
Walking - 25/31 11,000.
Savings - £0.
Going to bed at a reasonable time - 8/31.

Kittenkirst

Hi Alex, I've been reading your thread for quite some time & rooting for you.

I noticed you said that you didn't want LittkeK to have divorced parents...whilst I can understand you want him to have the 'ideal' two parents & a loving home, I just wanted to point out the other side of it.

My parents are only now getting divorced, I'm mid 30's however they should have divorced when I was very small really. My mum showed very similar traits to your wife (& some worse). My dad would occasionally draw attention to my mums cold behaviors, manipulation etc they would row she would leave (on Christmas Eve every year too!) and he would then just gloss over it and pretend it hadn't happened for 'the sake of the kids'. The cycle went on for me until I moved out just before I was 18 but my mum kept trying to draw me into their unhealthy relationship & take sides until I made it clear that I wanted to focus on my own life and moved away from their county at 22.

The impact that their unhealthy relationship has had on me & my brother has shown at times (my brother has severe mental health issues now and spent time on the streets, has had mental breakdowns and I've taken him to be committed. I have had commitment issues, fear of being abandoned, inferiority issues etc) but a lot of it probably hasn't been worked through and is just a part of who we are now.

I completely get that you want LittleK to have a 'normal' family life but if people aren't willing to change their behaviors, by just forcing it this may not be good for him (or you) in the long run.

Everyone's story is different, and I'm sending so many positive thoughts your way for you & LittleK to get what you need but also to have healthy loving relationships. This is just my perspective x

hiddenshadow

AlexLK wrote: »

She tells me trust will come in time and if I moved back it would get easier. I want to believe her but can't at the moment.

If her only statement is "we'll be fine if we just live together", then of course you can't trust/believe her. Right now she has every incentive to 1) behave well 2) promise to behave well indefinitely. I don't know how you determine the baby steps that you and she can take to rebuild trust and prove commitment on her part, but a blanket "let's just try it full-on and I promise I'll be good!" doesn't sound like it would cut it. She may believe it to be true, but changing your lifestyle/behaviours 100% that way rarely lasts (see also: New Year's resolutions).

The vast majority of my income comes from a salary I get for being a Director of a company my parents started. Really, it's my parents' money / business / assets / investments (whatever you want to call it) that gives me an income.

So what? Are they paying you an astronomical wage that they wouldn't pay anyone else if they weren't a relation? Are they paying you to sit around all day and not properly manage their properties? It doesn't sound like it.

You certainly have opportunities (and safety nets) that most people (including MrsK, from the sound of it) don't have the luxury to have. That said, it's no crime to work for your family, it doesn't make your work any less worthwhile or your income for it any less well-earned.

I suppose in a funny way I hope I can positively impact someone's life. In the primary school there is a boy who seems to think gaining a good level of education and being well read is something for girls to aspire to (no father at home, uneducated male role models and only female teachers in the school). Since the start of the term, getting him to read has been very difficult. However, today he read to the end of his book and was keen to pick a new book, telling me he was going to read before bed tonight. Apparently, his mother doesn't read to him and doesn't listen to him read which is a another problem. His class teacher told me he could hardly wait to read to me today. It earns me no money but I'm proud of the fact that boy wanted to pick his book up to read to me today. I suppose it feels like I've done something worthwhile.

That is brilliant! :j Well done for being a good role model to him.

However, I don't earn a lot of money and unless I am motivated to make some extra money, I can't save / overpay.

That's fair, you don't really "need" to (see above re: opportunities/safety nets). You're more motivated by making a difference in the world, even if it comes with little or no pay. There's nothing wrong with that, you're just a slightly different model (compared to the stereotypical hippies living in tents and eating rice and beans).

I hadn't considered she perhaps isn't thinking and reflecting upon the marriage to the point I am. She isn't so upset and does seem to be trying to please me at the moment. I suppose I had thought she was starting to put a great deal of effort into this and I should be guilty for not going back. I think she is aware I am seriously contemplating the possibility of not staying married.

I'd ask her what she thinks about the marriage, where it needs to go/change, what she (and you) need to work on, etc. It might help illuminate things if she says "well we're all getting along great, so no problems!" or if she has put more thought into it. And don't feel guilty about not going back...it's been weeks (if that?), it's not like you're being stubborn and refusing to budge for years.

I suppose my situation re. the mortgage is a little different to others relying on getting MF purely for long term financial reasons. Sometimes it does seem I don't really belong on here, either because I'm not saving / OPing or because in the long term I don't need to be MF. That said, it would be a big achievement for me to pay the mortgage off from a personal point of view.

I don't recall any sort of quiz to sign up on here about why you want to save/become MF. If you want to do it for the personal achievement, that's great.

gallygirl

AlexLK wrote: »

In the primary school there is a boy who seems to think gaining a good level of education and being well read is something for girls to aspire to (no father at home, uneducated male role models and only female teachers in the school). Since the start of the term, getting him to read has been very difficult. However, today he read to the end of his book and was keen to pick a new book, telling me he was going to read before bed tonight. Apparently, his mother doesn't read to him and doesn't listen to him read which is a another problem. His class teacher told me he could hardly wait to read to me today. It earns me no money but I'm proud of the fact that boy wanted to pick his book up to read to me today. I suppose it feels like I've done something worthwhile.

How lovely Alex, very rewarding for you and here's hoping you've helped awaken a lifetime interest in reading :T:T:T

AlexLK wrote: »

I missed the place this evening after realising I've some good memories there - the music room there still has all my scores and I realised my son and I started to enjoy playing music together there. Here, it is no longer 'my' music room as my piano is at the other house.

Can you try to see things from Mrs LK's point of view on this Alex? The 'big house' means nothing to her, she has no attachment to it and no memories have been laid down there for her.

I do feel for you Alex, it's a very difficult time for you. GG x

Watty1

AlexLK wrote: »

My wife has made a £250 overpayment and put £250 away towards the bathroom renovation. I have no motivation to earn any extra money and am barely managing to make things work as they are. She asked me if I wanted to match her overpayment / savings amounts for the month to make it one of our best months for overpaying but I can't. I told her I didn't think it an appropriate time. Don't want to tell my parents or wife how bad things are at the moment.

Not really sure why I'm writing on here when I haven't managed to save / overpay anything. My wife would probably do better here, she is doing well and isn't reliant on her parents.

You are sorting your life out on here which is just fine. It is what most of us are doing one way or another.
Now I have a revolutionary idea - yes - do make an overpayment - tell her that she needs to overpay another £500 and that will be your contribution - you will take it as her paying for childcare for your son - I do believe after school care of the standard you provide would be very expensive, for a private chef to make her lunches and dinner to her specifications.


Failing that Alex, could you pop round and walk my puppy, provide puppycare while I work (I don't have a small son but my puppy is worse than any toddler, I have a feral cat and 2 horses if you have any time left over) and cook my lunch and dinner - I am very fussy with food but I am sure we can agree the months menu in advance - and I can make a contribution to your overpayment????


Geesh Alex - you do not need to match her overpayment and you do not need to feel bad about it. Your household finances need sorting - and - it is not you that needs to be overpaying!

Suffolk_lass

The trust issue is certainly a big one Alex. It does not come quickly and as you know, it must be earned, over a sustained period. I trust DH. But it took a long time. I do not regret trying again, it has worked for us. You will know from your counselling that only you two can work out what you can and cannot accept. I am not going to express an opinion or suggest what I think you should do. It must come from you. I think it is marvellous that you are able to let some of it out on here, and that so many people are rooting for you (me included), but my standards are not your standards so only you can work out what to do.

There isn't a time limit, unless one of you has that as a condition. Take your time and work it through.

SL

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

I'm not sure I will be doing the course this year if things aren't back on track between my wife and I before it starts.

Just wanted to pick up on this Alex. Why is it that you might not do your course?


If it's because you don't think your MH is up to it then I understand but if it's because of things being up in the air with MrsK then what difference does that make? Is MrsK going to start pulling her weight if you do get back together?


I'm concerned (as I think you are) that if you go back or even if you continue as you are MrsK isn't changing at all. You've accepted all sorts of **** from her in recent years (and from your parents) and taken an 'I deserve it' attitude because of things you've done in the past. The upshot has been that MrsK has lived a charmed life.


You've done all the childcare, cooking, shopping, worked around that with various part time jobs plus volunteering and she just does her 9 to 5, goes out with friends for lunch and dinner when she feels like it, stays away if she wants to and even went on holiday without you and LittleK. She'll play at joint finances and a budget for a while but when it suits her she'll spend what she likes on the 'what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own' principle. Similarly with LittleK, she'll do a bit of artwork when it suits her but ignore him when it doesn't.


If you do your course then you'll be very busy both at school and in the evenings and weekends at home. I know you've made arrangements for LittleK to be collected from school and your mother to maybe do food shopping but all this is working round keeping MrsK's life as it is now. That's not fair. You need a partner who's prepared to pull their weight and support you otherwise you're better off staying where you are.

kelpie35

I agree with maman Alex.

You would make a wonderful teacher, just as you are a wonderful dad.

You seem to forget that you need to put your needs and talents first, I know that might sound a bit selfish but if you are doing things you get a lot of satisfaction from that will certainly help your MH.

As to the decision re your marriage, I think you need to go with your gut feelings.

Your son will adapt wherever he feels safe and secure and at the moment he seems to be flourishing and that is down to your parenting skills.

If he asks questions re your living set up at the moment, I personally would answer him honestly (subject to age relevance) then he knows that he is being told the truth and that will help him to trust you even more.

AlexLK

No alcohol - 24/28.
No sweet treats - 11/31. +1 for today.
Walking - 26/31 11,000.
Savings - £0.
Going to bed at a reasonable time - 8/31.

Kittenkirst wrote: »

Hi Alex, I've been reading your thread for quite some time & rooting for you.

I noticed you said that you didn't want LittkeK to have divorced parents...whilst I can understand you want him to have the 'ideal' two parents & a loving home, I just wanted to point out the other side of it.

My parents are only now getting divorced, I'm mid 30's however they should have divorced when I was very small really. My mum showed very similar traits to your wife (& some worse). My dad would occasionally draw attention to my mums cold behaviors, manipulation etc they would row she would leave (on Christmas Eve every year too!) and he would then just gloss over it and pretend it hadn't happened for 'the sake of the kids'. The cycle went on for me until I moved out just before I was 18 but my mum kept trying to draw me into their unhealthy relationship & take sides until I made it clear that I wanted to focus on my own life and moved away from their county at 22.

The impact that their unhealthy relationship has had on me & my brother has shown at times (my brother has severe mental health issues now and spent time on the streets, has had mental breakdowns and I've taken him to be committed. I have had commitment issues, fear of being abandoned, inferiority issues etc) but a lot of it probably hasn't been worked through and is just a part of who we are now.

I completely get that you want LittleK to have a 'normal' family life but if people aren't willing to change their behaviors, by just forcing it this may not be good for him (or you) in the long run.

Everyone's story is different, and I'm sending so many positive thoughts your way for you & LittleK to get what you need but also to have healthy loving relationships. This is just my perspective x

Thank you, Kittenkirst.

I just want the best I can provide for my son. One of the most important reasons for trying to resolve this with my wife (however that works out) rather than pretending nothing has happened is because I don't want my son to think some of the things that have happened in my marriage are OK. He doesn't know about any of the things I'm thinking about but it plays on my mind that children pick things up that are most unexpected. It would greatly upset me to find that one day in the future when he is an adult he didn't feel safe or happy in a relationship and stayed in that relationship because he thought it was part of marriage.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

If her only statement is "we'll be fine if we just live together", then of course you can't trust/believe her. Right now she has every incentive to 1) behave well 2) promise to behave well indefinitely. I don't know how you determine the baby steps that you and she can take to rebuild trust and prove commitment on her part, but a blanket "let's just try it full-on and I promise I'll be good!" doesn't sound like it would cut it. She may believe it to be true, but changing your lifestyle/behaviours 100% that way rarely lasts (see also: New Year's resolutions).

:rotfl: Re. New Year's resolutions, my wife has told me that not getting angry and being faithful is her's. Apparently, being her 'resolution' should make everything alright and I should trust she will stick with it. :rotfl: I wish I could trust her, to be honest. We are good friends and I love her dearly. Probably always will, no matter what happens.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

So what? Are they paying you an astronomical wage that they wouldn't pay anyone else if they weren't a relation? Are they paying you to sit around all day and not properly manage their properties? It doesn't sound like it.

You certainly have opportunities (and safety nets) that most people (including MrsK, from the sound of it) don't have the luxury to have. That said, it's no crime to work for your family, it doesn't make your work any less worthwhile or your income for it any less well-earned.

That is brilliant! :j Well done for being a good role model to him.

That's fair, you don't really "need" to (see above re: opportunities/safety nets). You're more motivated by making a difference in the world, even if it comes with little or no pay. There's nothing wrong with that, you're just a slightly different model (compared to the stereotypical hippies living in tents and eating rice and beans).

I take as little salary as possible as I'd rather money was reinvested. I don't trust myself with (personal) money. When I've had large amounts of personal money in the past the spending was completely out of control. Now, I'd rather money was safely away from me.

Not sure I'd go so far as to say I make a difference in the world but thank you, that means quite a lot. I used to be someone who didn't care at all about others but being a parent, reading some things on MSE (suppose I have been sheltered from the reality of a lot of the population ) and working in schools very different to my own has really changed my outlook. I wonder if some of the children I meet and work with would have a different outlook about their education and prospects had they other opportunities.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

I'd ask her what she thinks about the marriage, where it needs to go/change, what she (and you) need to work on, etc. It might help illuminate things if she says "well we're all getting along great, so no problems!" or if she has put more thought into it. And don't feel guilty about not going back...it's been weeks (if that?), it's not like you're being stubborn and refusing to budge for years.

I don't recall any sort of quiz to sign up on here about why you want to save/become MF. If you want to do it for the personal achievement, that's great.

Thanks, Hidden Shadow.

gallygirl wrote: »

How lovely Alex, very rewarding for you and here's hoping you've helped awaken a lifetime interest in reading :T:T:T

Can you try to see things from Mrs LK's point of view on this Alex? The 'big house' means nothing to her, she has no attachment to it and no memories have been laid down there for her.

I do feel for you Alex, it's a very difficult time for you. GG x

Thank you, Gally.

I hope so, re. the reading but suspect it's going to take a while yet to fully awaken a lifetime interest in reading. However, I'm there until July (if I do my course this year).

I can understand that my wife has no attachment to "the big house" but people move house all the time, create memories and a new place to call home.

AlexLK

Watty1 wrote: »

You are sorting your life out on here which is just fine. It is what most of us are doing one way or another.
Now I have a revolutionary idea - yes - do make an overpayment - tell her that she needs to overpay another £500 and that will be your contribution - you will take it as her paying for childcare for your son - I do believe after school care of the standard you provide would be very expensive, for a private chef to make her lunches and dinner to her specifications.

Failing that Alex, could you pop round and walk my puppy, provide puppycare while I work (I don't have a small son but my puppy is worse than any toddler, I have a feral cat and 2 horses if you have any time left over) and cook my lunch and dinner - I am very fussy with food but I am sure we can agree the months menu in advance - and I can make a contribution to your overpayment????

Geesh Alex - you do not need to match her overpayment and you do not need to feel bad about it. Your household finances need sorting - and - it is not you that needs to be overpaying!

Thanks, Watty.

My wife doesn't really see looking after our son and cooking meals as a contribution matching her own - I think this is what you are implying?

Usually the money I save over the year is extra money I've earned. Overpayments have tended to come from a surplus of the household budget, so I suppose are more my wife's overpayments than mine as she earns more money.

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

The trust issue is certainly a big one Alex. It does not come quickly and as you know, it must be earned, over a sustained period. I trust DH. But it took a long time. I do not regret trying again, it has worked for us. You will know from your counselling that only you two can work out what you can and cannot accept. I am not going to express an opinion or suggest what I think you should do. It must come from you. I think it is marvellous that you are able to let some of it out on here, and that so many people are rooting for you (me included), but my standards are not your standards so only you can work out what to do.

There isn't a time limit, unless one of you has that as a condition. Take your time and work it through.

SL

Thanks, SL.

I know I'm the only one who can work things out re. how I wish to move forwards. I truly hope that one day I will be able to say I can trust her.

Whilst my wife has not specified any time limits, she doesn't want this to go on for long because she is finding it difficult.

maman wrote: »

Just wanted to pick up on this Alex. Why is it that you might not do your course?

If it's because you don't think your MH is up to it then I understand but if it's because of things being up in the air with MrsK then what difference does that make? Is MrsK going to start pulling her weight if you do get back together?

I'm concerned (as I think you are) that if you go back or even if you continue as you are MrsK isn't changing at all. You've accepted all sorts of **** from her in recent years (and from your parents) and taken an 'I deserve it' attitude because of things you've done in the past. The upshot has been that MrsK has lived a charmed life.

You've done all the childcare, cooking, , worked around that with various part time jobs plus volunteering and she just does her 9 to 5, goes out with friends for lunch and dinner when she feels like it, stays away if she wants to and even went on without you and LittleK. She'll play at joint finances and a budget for a while but when it suits her she'll spend what she likes on the 'what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own' principle. Similarly with LittleK, she'll do a bit of artwork when it suits her but ignore him when it doesn't.

If you do your course then you'll be very busy both at school and in the evenings and weekends at home. I know you've made arrangements for LittleK to be collected from school and your mother to maybe do food but all this is working round keeping MrsK's life as it is now. That's not fair. You need a partner who's prepared to pull their weight and support you otherwise you're better off staying where you are.

Yes, I'm concerned that if I go back my wife won't change some behaviours that to my mind are unacceptable.

I really want to do the course and believe I'm ready (from a MH point of view). I'm still reading lots and am volunteering / teaching music to get as much experience as possible. I know it is not an easy job / option by any stretch of the imagination. However, I am learning a lot and am interested in furthering my own interest in teaching as well as potentially starting a new career, something which will provide me with a purpose to continue learning something new everyday.

The reason I am considering it may not be the right time is due to the situation with my wife and also because my son will only be in Year 2 in September. I want to be there for my son and it concerns me that I'm doing the course for selfish reasons (because I'm interested in teaching, it does not benefit my son). Doing the course will mean time with my son is more restricted, we have so far tried a few days of him going to my cousin's after school (who is happy to have him and for him to help out) and he loves it because he feels "grown up". :rotfl: However, I dread him getting older and telling me I did the wrong thing. As for my wife, she is in my thoughts a lot at the moment and she is usually here until 9.30pm and from the morning - c.9.30pm on both Saturday and Sunday. She wouldn't be happy with me spending time on assignments / planning etc. when my son is at orchestra / riding etc.