Renovations and Repayments.

Debsnewbudget

Oh Alex, please don't put the burden of the house onto your son.
He may want to live somewhere else, possibly even a different country, he may prefer modern homes and he may not be willing to sacrifice his dreams to keep alive your dream of passing a property through the generations.
He may never see the house as his home, and you need to think how you will react to this when he is older.

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

At the moment my wife is getting along well with son and making an effort. She does this sometimes and I am left to pick up the pieces when she decides that she's had enough. Every time I hope it is going to be different but she has not managed to keep making an effort yet.

It broke my heart to read this, and if i were you I'd be struggling to know what to do for the best too.

Would it be worth her taking LittleK for a couple of nights a week, or would that do your MH no good at all? Just wondering if she's having her cake and eating it as she gets to do the fun mummy things without the not-so-good bits like sleep issues and things.

I did think about keeping the flat as an investment, but I'm not ready to be a landlord yet haha!

HBS x

AlexLK

Debsnewbudget wrote: »

Oh Alex, please don't put the burden of the house onto your son.
He may want to live somewhere else, possibly even a different country, he may prefer modern homes and he may not be willing to sacrifice his dreams to keep alive your dream of passing a property through the generations.
He may never see the house as his home, and you need to think how you will react to this when he is older.

I wouldn't personally object if my son wants to live somewhere else when he's grown up. I suppose I'd be a bit sad if he moved abroad or far away. It isn't really my dream of passing on this property, more my parents and I don't want to disappoint them. No desire to place expectation onto him, other than to tell him what his Grandparents wanted and not to sell the house.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

It broke my heart to read this, and if i were you I'd be struggling to know what to do for the best too.

Would it be worth her taking LittleK for a couple of nights a week, or would that do your MH no good at all? Just wondering if she's having her cake and eating it as she gets to do the fun mummy things without the not-so-good bits like sleep issues and things.

I did think about keeping the flat as an investment, but I'm not ready to be a landlord yet haha!

HBS x

I don't know what she's trying to do. Can't say I feel great for not being able to trust that she isn't trying to trick me in some way.

It wouldn't do my health any good and she doesn't want to take him. She really enjoys coming here and going home when she wants to. She actually told me that she likes him a lot more as it's more like the relationship she has with her nieces (which is really good). I suppose she is getting the "fun Mummy things" (though they are more like two six-year-olds together :rotfl:).

You've got to start somewhere if you want to get into property as an investment, HBS.

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

I don't know what she's trying to do. Can't say I feel great for not being able to trust that she isn't trying to trick me in some way.

It wouldn't do my health any good and she doesn't want to take him. She really enjoys coming here and going home when she wants to.

I really, really don't blame you for feeling like that. And the second bit of the quote is ringing massive alarm bells for me...she can't just do the bits of motherhood she wants to!

I've never really thought about property as an investment. I THINK I'd rather someone else be able to buy a place affordably than me make money from them renting it. (I can't say never because it did cross my mind haha!)

HBS x

LadyGnome

Alex, these are early days. You don't have to make any decisions yet. If your wife is serious about repairing things then it will become clear over time.
Stop thinking about passing the house on to your son at this stage. He is a child and who knows what life will bring. If he wants to live and work somewhere else when he is an adult then you can deal with it at the time. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. Deal with the here and now. Also you don't need to decide now what your relationship with your wife will look like in 6 weeks or 6 months. Take it day by day and see how things develop.

Suffolk_lass

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex, these are early days. You don't have to make any decisions yet. If your wife is serious about repairing things then it will become clear over time.
Stop thinking about passing the house on to your son at this stage. He is a child and who knows what life will bring. If he wants to live and work somewhere else when he is an adult then you can deal with it at the time. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. Deal with the here and now. Also you don't need to decide now what your relationship with your wife will look like in 6 weeks or 6 months. Take it day by day and see how things develop.

Wise words LadyGnome

AlexLK

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I really, really don't blame you for feeling like that. And the second bit of the quote is ringing massive alarm bells for me...she can't just do the bits of motherhood she wants to!

I've never really thought about property as an investment. I THINK I'd rather someone else be able to buy a place affordably than me make money from them renting it. (I can't say never because it did cross my mind haha!)

HBS x

Thanks, HBS.

I don't mind her doing as she wishes with regard to our son so long as she is being good with him and not trying to pretend he doesn't exist.

Re. the property, I actually understand this. Not what I'd be doing but I can see why you may have that view about property.

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex, these are early days. You don't have to make any decisions yet. If your wife is serious about repairing things then it will become clear over time.
Stop thinking about passing the house on to your son at this stage. He is a child and who knows what life will bring. If he wants to live and work somewhere else when he is an adult then you can deal with it at the time. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. Deal with the here and now. Also you don't need to decide now what your relationship with your wife will look like in 6 weeks or 6 months. Take it day by day and see how things develop.

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

Wise words LadyGnome

I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure to have things go back to as they were as I'm very concerned about the potential of my son growing up without my wife and I together. Not feeling well at the moment. I'm the one who initiated this arrangement and the guilt is starting to erode my initial thought of it being the right thing to do.

You are right I shouldn't be thinking too much about this house though as that is a long way off.

kelpie35

I hope you feel much better very soon Alex.

The thing that you have to keep to the forefront of your mind is that you are a great dad and have only made decisions that is in the best interests for your son.

You always put your son first and that is to be admired.

You have to make the right decisions for all your futures and that is not an easy thing to do. Just take your time, do not allow anyone to rush you.

Take care

maman

For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing. If anything I think you're making it a bit too comfortable for MrsK with nightly dinners.... and do hope you're not still making packed lunches to order.:eek:

I think you should try and cut the dinners down to 2 or 3 a week. To see LittleK regularly she could still call and walk the dog with him or.,as someone suggested, have LittleK to stay at her house.

Saying that you don't mind her doing as she wishes as regards your son is just allowing her to carry on being immature and irresponsible. That's hasn't worked before and it'll get harder to cope with in the future as LittleK realises it's not normal and you get busier with your course.

(jumps down from soapbox

LadyGnome

Alex, think about this. Things have improved since you moved back to your parents. If you move back in with your wife at this stage do you think the situation will stay this good or will it slip back.
If you have any doubts about your decision to go, look at the result. It didn't make things worse.
However, I do agree with Maman that you don't want things to be too comfortable for your wife. She shouldn't be assisted in having the semi-detached relationship with you and your son that she seems to want.