Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

kelpie35 wrote: »

I agree with maman Alex.

You would make a wonderful teacher, just as you are a wonderful dad.

You seem to forget that you need to put your needs and talents first, I know that might sound a bit selfish but if you are doing things you get a lot of satisfaction from that will certainly help your MH.

As to the decision re your marriage, I think you need to go with your gut feelings.

Your son will adapt wherever he feels safe and secure and at the moment he seems to be flourishing and that is down to your parenting skills.

If he asks questions re your living set up at the moment, I personally would answer him honestly (subject to age relevance) then he knows that he is being told the truth and that will help him to trust you even more.

Thank you, Kelpie.

Ultimately, I need to do the right thing as a parent. That plays on my mind an awful lot. Helping my MH is certainly a part of that, though.

My son is 6. I'm not really sure how I could possibly tell a 6-year-old that Daddy has chosen to live apart from Mummy for a while. I think the questions he's asked me recently have made things a lot more difficult for me as I really don't like lying to him. It concerns me that he somehow knows I'm lying because it's very different to when we were here for a little time last year as my mother fell.

cazmanian_minx

AlexLK wrote: »

I can understand that my wife has no attachment to "the big house" but people move house all the time, create memories and a new place to call home.

They do, but they're generally moving into something that's a blank canvas for both of them. If you and your wife moved into your parents' house and she immediately suggested, for example, swapping the living room into another room, turning a small bedroom into an en-suite for a bigger one, repainting the whole house in different colours and generally completely changing the place, I think you'd be far more reluctant to consider it than if you'd moved to somewhere you'd never lived before.

hiddenshadow

AlexLK wrote: »

:rotfl: Re. New Year's resolutions, my wife has told me that not getting angry and being faithful is her's. Apparently, being her 'resolution' should make everything alright and I should trust she will stick with it. :rotfl: I wish I could trust her, to be honest. We are good friends and I love her dearly. Probably always will, no matter what happens.

:mad: "being faithful" doesn't seem like a resolution to me. I'm not saying every relationship needs to be monogamous, but if that's what you've signed up for (which it sounds like you both have), it needs to rank a bit higher than "I'll finally lose those 10lbs" and "I swear I'll only drink 2 drinks when we're out" (or whatever the most popular NY resolutions are these days). It just boggles the mind that that ranks as a "resolution" at all, given that NY resolutions are usually broken, and usually only last a year even if they're kept.

Not sure I'd go so far as to say I make a difference in the world but thank you, that means quite a lot. I used to be someone who didn't care at all about others but being a parent, reading some things on MSE (suppose I have been sheltered from the reality of a lot of the population ) and working in schools very different to my own has really changed my outlook. I wonder if some of the children I meet and work with would have a different outlook about their education and prospects had they other opportunities.

Don't sell yourself short! Perhaps that child who's now inspired to read on his own (major accomplishment!!) will go on to get a PhD and cure cancer. Or write a bestselling novel.

I can understand that my wife has no attachment to "the big house" but people move house all the time, create memories and a new place to call home.

As Caz said, it's a completely different story when one person has a prior history/attachment to a house. I doubt MrsK would mind if you said "my dream is to live by the sea, let's go find a house we like on the coast", because the point of moving would be a different lifestyle and you could choose the house you liked together. "My dream is to live in my parents' house because it's big and fancy" doesn't have the same ring to it.

My wife doesn't really see looking after our son and cooking meals as a contribution matching her own - I think this is what you are implying?

Yes, and frankly you should do a bit of research into the cost of day care and a housekeeper (or one of those meal prep/delivery services) because your contributions definitely have value, both to your lives and in monetary terms.

Whilst my wife has not specified any time limits, she doesn't want this to go on for long because she is finding it difficult.

On the one hand, too f***ing bad! On the other hand, I completely understand. Still, if this has only been this month, then I lean towards the former sentiment. You don't get to stomp all over something and then expect it to be magically and completely fixed in minutes.

The reason I am considering it may not be the right time is due to the situation with my wife and also because my son will only be in Year 2 in September. I want to be there for my son and it concerns me that I'm doing the course for selfish reasons (because I'm interested in teaching, it does not benefit my son). Doing the course will mean time with my son is more restricted, we have so far tried a few days of him going to my cousin's after school (who is happy to have him and for him to help out) and he loves it because he feels "grown up". :rotfl:

It completely benefits your son! Assuming it goes well, you will have training to do a job that you enjoy and find fulfilling. (And even if it doesn't work out for some reason and you choose not to pursue teaching professionally, it's still a valuable lesson for you and your son.) It will help the family financially (even if you don't *need* it), and likely help you loads mentally re: your contribution.

Whatever time you have with your son will be special, even if it's less time. Your son is already learning to adjust to less time with you while he's at school and you say he's making friends and settling in. The same will happen at your cousin's after school.

However, I dread him getting older and telling me I did the wrong thing.

I can't imagine a scenario where this would happen. FWIW, my mother attended medical school when I was age 10-14. I barely saw her during those years, between the studying she did, the hours she was at the hospital training, and the massive sleep-deprivation she had. We had quality time on the days when she was available (and awake ) and she loves being a doctor. I don't begrudge her those years at all, even though they were an adjustment for all of us.

As for my wife, she is in my thoughts a lot at the moment and she is usually here until 9.30pm and from the morning - c.9.30pm on both Saturday and Sunday. She wouldn't be happy with me spending time on assignments / planning etc. when my son is at orchestra / riding etc.

See above re: too f****ing bad. You've been planning this for months, so she's had quite some time to squash the idea (which would be massively selfish IMO). It's certainly worth trying to figure out if you can schedule a standing "date night" if she wants time alone with you, but this is for one year, she can (and should!) support you (in the partnership we're-in-this-together sense) for that long.

My son is 6. I'm not really sure how I could possibly tell a 6-year-old that Daddy has chosen to live apart from Mummy for a while. I think the questions he's asked me recently have made things a lot more difficult for me as I really don't like lying to him. It concerns me that he somehow knows I'm lying because it's very different to when we were here for a little time last year as my mother fell.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with saying that. Assuming the worst did happen and you and MrsK did get divorced, what then? (I'm not suggesting you tell him there are problems now, but in that worst case scenario you'd have to break news to him.) "LittleK, Mummy and Daddy have decided to live in separate houses for right now so they can think about things and focus on why they love each other. We both love each other and you, but things are going to be a bit different from normal for a little while." Assuming he's not picking up on any tension between you he doesn't need to know any more, and (from the sounds of it) that statement is entirely true. Update as necessary.

(Oy, sorry for the novel!)

Watty1

AlexLK wrote: »

Thanks, Watty.

My wife doesn't really see looking after our son and cooking meals as a contribution matching her own - I think this is what you are implying? .

Yes it is because without you doing them they are all things that would have to be subcontracted out to be paid for.

AlexLK wrote: »

Ho wever, I dread him getting older and telling me I did the wrong thing. As for my wife, she is in my thoughts a lot at the moment and she is usually here until 9.30pm and from the morning - c.9.30pm on both Saturday and Sunday. She wouldn't be happy with me spending time on assignments / planning etc. when my son is at orchestra / riding etc.

You sound a great dad. I'm sure your son will appreciate you whatever you do. Now about your wife. She wants you to lead a happy and fulfilled life surely?

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

As for my wife, she is in my thoughts a lot at the moment and she is usually here until 9.30pm and from the morning - c.9.30pm on both Saturday and Sunday. She wouldn't be happy with me spending time on assignments / planning etc. when my son is at orchestra / riding etc.

:mad::mad::mad:

hiddenshadow wrote: »

See above re: too f****ing bad. You've been planning this for months, so she's had quite some time to squash the idea (which would be massively selfish IMO). It's certainly worth trying to figure out if you can schedule a standing "date night" if she wants time alone with you, but this is for one year, she can (and should!) support you (in the partnership we're-in-this-together sense) for that long.

I agree but it potentially won't be just a year it'll be for as long as Alex makes teaching his career or any career that stops her being the centre of attention.

AlexLK wrote: »

Doing the course will mean time with my son is more restricted, we have so far tried a few days of him going to my cousin's after school (who is happy to have him and for him to help out) and he loves it because he feels "grown up". :rotfl: However, I dread him getting older and telling me I did the wrong thing.

One of the plus sides of teaching is that just 1265 hours per year has to be done on the school premises. OK, other professional duties like preparation, planning and assessment still have to be done but you can choose whether to take that home or stay on. The same is true of working during holidays. From experience, this changes as children get older. From experience when my DD was young I went home soon after school, had time with her and then worked when she went to bed. When she was older I preferred to stay on the premises later and only took work home at weekends.

AlexLK wrote: »

My wife doesn't really see looking after our son and cooking meals as a contribution matching her own

More :mad::mad::mad:

That's arguable and I might agree to an extent but it's not as if that's all you do. You seem to have forgotten part time work, supporting your parents and volunteering BUT...we're looking to the future. You've done everything at home so that MrsK has a free hand to focus on virtually nothing but herself. That's what she seems to want go back to. When you're doing your course (and subsequently in a teaching job) you will need someone to support you in a similar way. You could do it with childcare and ready meals;) but that's the practical side. If MrsK doesn't value you and what you're doing what's the point?


MrsK thinks that her being better behaved (fidelity and not getting angry) is what needs changing. What are the deal breakers for you Alex?

newgirly

I was a sahm for years Alex, I went back to work after dd , then stopped after the twins (far too expensive childcare for three at once!) trust me whatever you do you feel guilty- at work not looking after your own child / at home not setting an example as an independent working woman etc.

You are not just a carer and a teacher to your son, you are also a person who needs his own fulfilment outside of that role.

You are your sons world at the moment and he is yours, but as he gets older that will change more for him than it does for you. Perhaps you should give it a go? Whatever happens in your marriage it wouldn't hurt to have something to focus on, when you give yourself a challenge you are pretty good at succeeding, you have nothing to lose, even if you quit you gave it a go!

All I would say about your wife not approving is b*ll*cks to that! Do you get to dictate her career ?!

AlexLK

No alcohol - 25/28.
No sweet treats - 12/31. +1 for today.
Walking - 27/31 11,000.
Savings - £0.
Going to bed at a reasonable time - 8/31.

cazmanian_minx wrote: »

They do, but they're generally moving into something that's a blank canvas for both of them. If you and your wife moved into your parents' house and she immediately suggested, for example, swapping the living room into another room, turning a small bedroom into an en-suite for a bigger one, repainting the whole house in different colours and generally completely changing the place, I think you'd be far more reluctant to consider it than if you'd moved to somewhere you'd never lived before.

Whilst I can appreciate your point, I'm generally reluctant re. my wife's suggestions concerning the house anyway. :rotfl:

hiddenshadow wrote: »

:mad: "being faithful" doesn't seem like a resolution to me. I'm not saying every relationship needs to be monogamous, but if that's what you've signed up for (which it sounds like you both have), it needs to rank a bit higher than "I'll finally lose those 10lbs" and "I swear I'll only drink 2 drinks when we're out" (or whatever the most popular NY resolutions are these days). It just boggles the mind that that ranks as a "resolution" at all, given that NY resolutions are usually broken, and usually only last a year even if they're kept.

Yes, we signed up for a monogamous relationship. :rotfl: She actually has a real problem if I even so much as look at a woman in the "wrong" way, so really don't think she'd want an open relationship.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

Don't sell yourself short! Perhaps that child who's now inspired to read on his own (major accomplishment!!) will go on to get a PhD and cure cancer. Or write a bestselling novel.

As Caz said, it's a completely different story when one person has a prior history/attachment to a house. I doubt MrsK would mind if you said "my dream is to live by the sea, let's go find a house we like on the coast", because the point of moving would be a different lifestyle and you could choose the house you liked together. "My dream is to live in my parents' house because it's big and fancy" doesn't have the same ring to it.

I don't suppose anyone knows what a child will go on to do when older. I just like to think if he continues wanting to read, it will be a skill which serves him well no matter his future.

Funny you should mention living by the sea, if I didn't take on this house, I'd love to live in a quiet spot not too far from Bude in Cornwall. There are a lot of nice old farmhouses with land there and not too far from the sea.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

Yes, and frankly you should do a bit of research into the cost of day care and a housekeeper (or one of those meal prep/delivery services) because your contributions definitely have value, both to your lives and in monetary terms.

On the one hand, too f***ing bad! On the other hand, I completely understand. Still, if this has only been this month, then I lean towards the former sentiment. You don't get to stomp all over something and then expect it to be magically and completely fixed in minutes.

It completely benefits your son! Assuming it goes well, you will have training to do a job that you enjoy and find fulfilling. (And even if it doesn't work out for some reason and you choose not to pursue teaching professionally, it's still a valuable lesson for you and your son.) It will help the family financially (even if you don't *need* it), and likely help you loads mentally re: your contribution.

Whatever time you have with your son will be special, even if it's less time. Your son is already learning to adjust to less time with you while he's at school and you say he's making friends and settling in. The same will happen at your cousin's after school.

I can't imagine a scenario where this would happen. FWIW, my mother attended medical school when I was age 10-14. I barely saw her during those years, between the studying she did, the hours she was at the hospital training, and the massive sleep-deprivation she had. We had quality time on the days when she was available (and awake ) and she loves being a doctor. I don't begrudge her those years at all, even though they were an adjustment for all of us.

See above re: too f****ing bad. You've been planning this for months, so she's had quite some time to squash the idea (which would be massively selfish IMO). It's certainly worth trying to figure out if you can schedule a standing "date night" if she wants time alone with you, but this is for one year, she can (and should!) support you (in the partnership we're-in-this-together sense) for that long.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with saying that. Assuming the worst did happen and you and MrsK did get divorced, what then? (I'm not suggesting you tell him there are problems now, but in that worst case scenario you'd have to break news to him.) "LittleK, Mummy and Daddy have decided to live in separate houses for right now so they can think about things and focus on why they love each other. We both love each other and you, but things are going to be a bit different from normal for a little while." Assuming he's not picking up on any tension between you he doesn't need to know any more, and (from the sounds of it) that statement is entirely true. Update as necessary.

(Oy, sorry for the novel!)

Thank you for taking the time to reply re. the course (well, thank you for taking the time to reply). I really want to do the course (won't be of benefit financially as I will have to pay £9,000 to do the course and will be paid nothing for the work I will do on placement in school :rotfl:).

My wife has swung between being OK with me doing the course and not wanting me to do it as she thinks I'd be taking too much on.

Watty1 wrote: »

Yes it is because without you doing them they are all things that would have to be subcontracted out to be paid for.

You sound a great dad. I'm sure your son will appreciate you whatever you do. Now about your wife. She wants you to lead a happy and fulfilled life surely?

I see your point. I suppose she'd probably cook for herself and just visit our son if we were no longer together, so whilst I do understand the sentiment re. things having to be subcontracted out, the fact is she probably wouldn't spend her money on cooking / childcare.

Thanks. I hope he will. I suppose I'm a little paranoid he'll grow up and I'll just be his idiot of a father who couldn't quite make it in life for himself. Not really sure what my wife wants, to be honest.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

:mad::mad::mad:

I agree but it potentially won't be just a year it'll be for as long as Alex makes teaching his career or any career that stops her being the centre of attention.

One of the plus sides of teaching is that just 1265 hours per year has to be done on the school premises. OK, other professional duties like preparation, planning and assessment still have to be done but you can choose whether to take that home or stay on. The same is true of working during s. From experience, this changes as children get older. From experience when my DD was young I went home soon after school, had time with her and then worked when she went to bed. When she was older I preferred to stay on the premises later and only took work home at weekends.

I thought I'd probably do this if I manage to get to the point of getting a job at school. When my son moves to prep school, he'll be there for longer hours and I'd be able to pick him up again. Could only be the training year that he'd go to my cousin's after school but may be longer as we may keep him at the village school and move him to prep school at 11.

maman wrote: »

More :mad::mad::mad:

That's arguable and I might agree to an extent but it's not as if that's all you do. You seem to have forgotten part time work, supporting your parents and volunteering BUT...we're looking to the future. You've done everything at home so that MrsK has a free hand to focus on virtually nothing but herself. That's what she seems to want go back to. When you're doing your course (and subsequently in a teaching job) you will need someone to support you in a similar way. You could do it with childcare and ready meals;) but that's the practical side. If MrsK doesn't value you and what you're doing what's the point?

MrsK thinks that her being better behaved (fidelity and not getting angry) is what needs changing. What are the deal breakers for you Alex?

:rotfl: If I ate ready meals on a regular basis, I'd be ill. I'm already taking steps to make multiple amounts of homemade meals to eat when busy. Works really well at the moment for some days and the meals are still nice.

Re. what's the point? I am interested in doing the course, whether I take it further will depend on how I find the course. If I go into teaching as a career, the point will be that it is something I find interesting and am able to provide a good standard of education to the children I will teach.

My ultimate deal breaker is related to issues of trust. She knows this.

newgirly wrote: »

I was a sahm for years Alex, I went back to work after dd , then stopped after the twins (far too expensive childcare for three at once!) trust me whatever you do you feel guilty- at work not looking after your own child / at home not setting an example as an independent working woman etc.

I suppose there is some kind of pressure to be a good example to my son, more so than if my wife and I had a daughter; purely from the fact she'd see her mother setting an example as your aforementioned "independent working woman". It does concern me a little at the moment that the example I am potentially setting for my son is "play with bigger toys and live from family money".

newgirly wrote: »

You are not just a carer and a teacher to your son, you are also a person who needs his own fulfilment outside of that role.

You are your sons world at the moment and he is yours, but as he gets older that will change more for him than it does for you. Perhaps you should give it a go? Whatever happens in your marriage it wouldn't hurt to have something to focus on, when you give yourself a challenge you are pretty good at succeeding, you have nothing to lose, even if you quit you gave it a go!

All I would say about your wife not approving is b*ll*cks to that! Do you get to dictate her career ?!

The fulfilment is the main reason I want to at least try. However, I do think it is selfish of me to want personal fulfilment. I also know my son won't be so keen to spend all his free time with Dad when he's older and that is one of my reasons for wanting to try another career. The property doesn't really take up an awful lot of time and isn't particularly fulfilling. I like the idea that in teaching there are lots of opportunities to learn new things. It concerns me that as my son does start growing up, I will have very little to fill my life with other than more toys and courses that I will not put to any use. If teaching didn't work out for me, it wouldn't be the end of the world, though I am interested in putting my best effort into it.

I don't think I dictate her career, though she has said that if I weren't a part of her life she would perhaps move to a different part of the country for the right job, so perhaps she thinks I do.

Suffolk_lass

AlexLK wrote: »

Thank you for taking the time to reply re. the course (well, thank you for taking the time to reply). I really want to do the course (won't be of benefit financially as I will have to pay £9,000 to do the course and will be paid nothing for the work I will do on placement in school :rotfl:).

Alex, what you describe is the traditional PGCE course. I hope you are aware that you can do your teaching qualification as an in-service teacher. My DH worked as an instructor teacher while he completed his post-grad qualification - the pay was rubbish but it reversed a £9000 debt into £10k income, which is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, as granny used to say (she didn't actually, it's just the saying!). Starting pay as an NQT is only £21k so £19k sounds pretty good... The Gov.uk site describes this route. You may already be aware, but if not, it might give you a positive way of moving forward. I was checking it out yesterday to see what options my DS might have as a struggling musician.

If you have not done so, you could check with the school where you volunteer to see if they could offer you the placement and training.

Sorry if this is grandma sucking eggs (more granny sayings :rotfl: )

SL

newgirly

It's not selfish to want personal fulfilment