Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

kelpie35 wrote: »

I hope you feel much better very soon Alex.

The thing that you have to keep to the forefront of your mind is that you are a great dad and have only made decisions that is in the best interests for your son.

You always put your son first and that is to be admired.

You have to make the right decisions for all your futures and that is not an easy thing to do. Just take your time, do not allow anyone to rush you.

Take care

Thanks, Kelpie.

I suppose I'm starting to wonder if I really made selfish decisions because I've got issues of trust in the marriage. My son seems to have really grown up in these past few weeks since the new term began. He's taking an active role in his school community and is making friends. We had his friend from Reception over for dinner one evening which was nice and he's having another friend over tomorrow for dinner. From a personal point of view, I'm glad they are coming here - their parents' won't judge this place negatively. :rotfl: However, I'm concerned he misses living at the other house as he keeps asking how much longer we have to help my parents and perhaps the right thing for him is for me to stop thinking about my issues of trust.

maman wrote: »

For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing. If anything I think you're making it a bit too comfortable for MrsK with nightly dinners.... and do hope you're not still making packed lunches to order.:eek:

I think you should try and cut the dinners down to 2 or 3 a week. To see LittleK regularly she could still call and walk the dog with him or.,as someone suggested, have LittleK to stay at her house.

Saying that you don't mind her doing as she wishes as regards your son is just allowing her to carry on being immature and irresponsible. That's hasn't worked before and it'll get harder to cope with in the future as LittleK realises it's not normal and you get busier with your course.

(jumps down from soapbox

Thanks, maman. However, I do not want to lose contact with my wife and don't really want to lose my marriage in the long term, either. In an ideal world I will realise she is not trying to trick me and is wanting to permanently make an effort.

We currently agree a meal plan for the week and if she doesn't want the lunch we've agreed to, she makes something for herself / has a cafe lunch. Since having that conversation, she's only decided she wanted something else once.

I'm not sure I will be doing the course this year if things aren't back on track between my wife and I before it starts. I don't want my wife to lose the friendship she is currently building with our son, especially for my son but for my wife too. My father told her that one day she will be his age and regret not taking a more active role in her son's life. Currently, there's such an improvement in my wife's behaviour toward our son - she's making an effort to spend time with him, which I think is good for both of them. I agree at some point if things stay as they are, he's going to realise that she should parent rather than fore mostly be someone to play with but it's an improvement over her actively ignoring him.

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex, think about this. Things have improved since you moved back to your parents. If you move back in with your wife at this stage do you think the situation will stay this good or will it slip back.
If you have any doubts about your decision to go, look at the result. It didn't make things worse.
However, I do agree with Maman that you don't want things to be too comfortable for your wife. She shouldn't be assisted in having the semi-detached relationship with you and your son that she seems to want.

Lady Gnome, that's my concern. I want to be able to trust her and continue building a life with her. I don't want my son to grow up thinking he should have to ignore behaviours that shouldn't be ignored in a marriage as it is my concern he will one day get himself involved in a relationship that would not be good for him. However, I don't want him to potentially be a child of divorced parents.

AlexLK

No alcohol - 22/28.
No sweet treats - 10/31. :rotfl:
Walking - 24/31 14,000.
Savings - £0.
Going to bed at a reasonable time - 8/31.

My wife has made a £250 overpayment and put £250 away towards the bathroom renovation. I have no motivation to earn any extra money and am barely managing to make things work as they are. She asked me if I wanted to match her overpayment / savings amounts for the month to make it one of our best months for overpaying but I can't. I told her I didn't think it an appropriate time. Don't want to tell my parents or wife how bad things are at the moment.

Not really sure why I'm writing on here when I haven't managed to save / overpay anything. My wife would probably do better here, she is doing well and isn't reliant on her parents.

badmemory

Alright I am going to be the major !!!!! here. Of course she is doing better. She has no responsibilties, no worries about how her son is doing without her and wow she has £500 to make you feel bad. Why wouldn't she be doing better.

Back many years ago I was friendly with a psychologist (a total s*** by the way & a serial manipulator but he did actually know his stuff unfortunately) and he always said that when a person in a relationship started to show mental problems the person who actually had the problems was their partner. I know this isn't what you want to hear but you cannot seriously believe that your wife's reaction/connection with your son is normal, however broad a spectrum of behaviour you may use.

Stop letting her do this to you. I believe that you are actually grieving at present. Yes I am sitting here patiently waiting for your denial of that & your defense of her.

Eventually you are going to have to accept how well you are doing & how good a father you are. There are several of us on here who will be screaming in your ear about that.

To repeat what I have already said - your wife is not well - she may be doing well - but she is not well.

No need to deny any of the above - I've taken it as read. Just hoping that one day, even if it is years down the line, you will finally "get it".

newgirly

Back many years ago I was friendly with a psychologist (a total s*** by the way & a serial manipulator but he did actually know his stuff unfortunately) and he always said that when a person in a relationship started to show mental problems the person who actually had the problems was their partner.

I am sure this comment is made in support of Alex to back up your views about his wife, but i find it quite offensive. People suffer from mental illness in all it's forms for different reasons, to say it is their partners fault really undermines that.

Alex, I hope your week improves, try not to put pressure on yourself too much as you have been doing so well

LadyGnome

AlexLK wrote: »

No alcohol - 22/28.
No sweet treats - 10/31. :rotfl:
Walking - 24/31 14,000.
Savings - £0.
Going to bed at a reasonable time - 8/31.

My wife has made a £250 overpayment and put £250 away towards the bathroom renovation. I have no motivation to earn any extra money and am barely managing to make things work as they are. She asked me if I wanted to match her overpayment / savings amounts for the month to make it one of our best months for overpaying but I can't. I told her I didn't think it an appropriate time. Don't want to tell my parents or wife how bad things are at the moment.

Not really sure why I'm writing on here when I haven't managed to save / overpay anything. My wife would probably do better here, she is doing well and isn't reliant on her parents.

Alex if by doing well you mean completely evading her responsibilities and putting her own interests above everyone else then she is doing a ruddy marvellous job. Why is it she only seemed keen to overpay and do the things important to you when you walked away. Why couldn't she do it when you were there?
You are putting the best interests of your son first. He needs parents who build their lives with him at the heart of it - not seeing him as an afterthought. It is easy to make the grand gestures once in a while like your wife - its the day to day stuff that is hard.

hiddenshadow

AlexLK wrote: »

My wife has made a £250 overpayment and put £250 away towards the bathroom renovation. I have no motivation to earn any extra money and am barely managing to make things work as they are. She asked me if I wanted to match her overpayment / savings amounts for the month to make it one of our best months for overpaying but I can't.

What on earth?! I'm a champion of both OPs and savings, but seriously, you've got so much more going on than to worry about/aim for "one of your best months for overpaying". (Believe you me, I'd love to see you get to that point, but when that's your sole focus for the month, not the loads you've got going right now.)

I told her I didn't think it an appropriate time. Don't want to tell my parents or wife how bad things are at the moment.

Have you and MrsK discussed things in-depth? Has counselling started yet? It sounds like things are going well on the surface (not making a fuss about lunch - though this is hardly a crowning achievement IMO , spending time with LittleK, etc), but you also need to talk about the things you've mentioned here...lack of trust, her generally childish behaviour, what sort of future you see together, etc. I'm not trying to push you into anything, but it's something to think about, as I don't think you'll be able to regain trust in MrsK until/unless you've hashed these things out. (Ending armchair psychology now )

Not really sure why I'm writing on here when I haven't managed to save / overpay anything. My wife would probably do better here, she is doing well and isn't reliant on her parents.

!!!! You're not "reliant" on your parents, you are staying with them as a way to give you and MrsK time and space to work through things. MrsK is clearly having a "good" month if she's focusing on overpaying/saving and not blowing all her money on nights out with coworkers every week, but meanwhile you're managing a household of 4 now, full-time parenting, part-time (?) working, etc. This is not a competition for who can manage life or finances better. From the sounds of it, you're devoting a lot of time and reflection to thinking about your lives and what needs to change, and MrsK doesn't seem at that level if she's hoping to get you excited about money for a house you don't feel connected to (which is possibly another issue that's been hashed out many times over in this thread ) or may not own.

(On that note, does she know how seriously you're contemplating splitting up? Even though it's something you desperately want to avoid, she should still know that's where your head is, if only to better be able to grasp the gravity of things, especially if she thinks a few weeks of dog walking with LittleK and polite conversation at the dinner table will smooth everything over.)

All that ranting aside, I really am rooting for you and MrsK. That said, as the child of divorced parents (who split up when I was LittleK's age), LittleK will be fine. You are an amazing dad, and if all he ever has with MrsK is more of a friends-who-hang-out relationship than a full parental one, that's not the end of the world. That's about what I had with my dad growing up (we've gotten a bit closer in the last few years when he could help me with "adult" problems), and we still love each other, see each other at holidays (would be more often but now we're 8,000 miles apart), stay involved in each others' lives, etc.

misscousinitt

Alex you do belong on here...it is your aspiration to be MF not the fact that you are unable to contribute to that at the moment that gives you a firm place on this forum.

As said above, you have far too much on your plate at the moment to be worrying about OPs and savings - you are just trying to get yourself straight. Cut yourself some slack and keep posting - it's good to have an outlet.

Take care

MCI

heartbreak_star

+1 to what HiddenShadow said - what an absolutely spot-on post!

Also +1 to MCI's post - we love hearing from you and I for one hope we help in some small way.

Love and positive wishes

HBS x

AlexLK

badmemory wrote: »

Alright I am going to be the major !!!!! here. Of course she is doing better. She has no responsibilties, no worries about how her son is doing without her and wow she has £500 to make you feel bad. Why wouldn't she be doing better.

Back many years ago I was friendly with a psychologist (a total s*** by the way & a serial manipulator but he did actually know his stuff unfortunately) and he always said that when a person in a relationship started to show mental problems the person who actually had the problems was their partner. I know this isn't what you want to hear but you cannot seriously believe that your wife's reaction/connection with your son is normal, however broad a spectrum of behaviour you may use.

Stop letting her do this to you. I believe that you are actually grieving at present. Yes I am sitting here patiently waiting for your denial of that & your defense of her.

Eventually you are going to have to accept how well you are doing & how good a father you are. There are several of us on here who will be screaming in your ear about that.

To repeat what I have already said - your wife is not well - she may be doing well - but she is not well.

No need to deny any of the above - I've taken it as read. Just hoping that one day, even if it is years down the line, you will finally "get it".

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. As far as mental health is concerned, I don't believe there are any blanket statements that cover all individual situations. Ultimately, whilst in some ways our minds as humans work similarly, we all have individual nuances and outlooks in life.

newgirly wrote: »

Back many years ago I was friendly with a psychologist (a total s*** by the way & a serial manipulator but he did actually know his stuff unfortunately) and he always said that when a person in a relationship started to show mental problems the person who actually had the problems was their partner.

I am sure this comment is made in support of Alex to back up your views about his wife, but i find it quite offensive. People suffer from mental illness in all it's forms for different reasons, to say it is their partners fault really undermines that.

Alex, I hope your week improves, try not to put pressure on yourself too much as you have been doing so well

Thank you, NG.

I've had a good day today as I've managed to keep very busy: volunteering at a primary school, some property work, played two hours of music with my son this evening (he didn't want to stop until bedtime, I don't force him to practise) and made bread and cheese scones after he went to bed. This has kept my mind occupied but doesn't get me any closer to making some decisions. However, it has helped me to step back from it for a day.

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex if by doing well you mean completely evading her responsibilities and putting her own interests above everyone else then she is doing a ruddy marvellous job. Why is it she only seemed keen to overpay and do the things important to you when you walked away. Why couldn't she do it when you were there?
You are putting the best interests of your son first. He needs parents who build their lives with him at the heart of it - not seeing him as an afterthought. It is easy to make the grand gestures once in a while like your wife - its the day to day stuff that is hard.

She wants me to go back and tells me she's sorry about things that have happened. I think she is trying to demonstrate that she wants to move on from past behaviours, though I am worried she is potentially trying to trick me.

After growing up with work-obsessed parents, I absolutely want to build a life that puts my son at the heart of the family.

AlexLK

hiddenshadow wrote: »

What on earth?! I'm a champion of both OPs and savings, but seriously, you've got so much more going on than to worry about/aim for "one of your best months for overpaying". (Believe you me, I'd love to see you get to that point, but when that's your sole focus for the month, not the loads you've got going right now.)

Thanks, Hidden Shadow. I think I'm probably low on motivation to make extra money as I have a lot to think about at the moment. I'm quite low on energy and sleep has got worse again. My wife has a lot of spare money after her part of the bills are paid.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

Have you and MrsK discussed things in-depth? Has counselling started yet? It sounds like things are going well on the surface (not making a fuss about lunch - though this is hardly a crowning achievement IMO , spending time with LittleK, etc), but you also need to talk about the things you've mentioned here...lack of trust, her generally childish behaviour, what sort of future you see together, etc. I'm not trying to push you into anything, but it's something to think about, as I don't think you'll be able to regain trust in MrsK until/unless you've hashed these things out. (Ending armchair psychology now )

Yes and yes.

She tells me trust will come in time and if I moved back it would get easier. I want to believe her but can't at the moment.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

!!!! You're not "reliant" on your parents, you are staying with them as a way to give you and MrsK time and space to work through things. MrsK is clearly having a "good" month if she's focusing on overpaying/saving and not blowing all her money on nights out with coworkers every week, but meanwhile you're managing a household of 4 now, full-time parenting, part-time (?) working, etc. This is not a competition for who can manage life or finances better. From the sounds of it, you're devoting a lot of time and reflection to thinking about your lives and what needs to change, and MrsK doesn't seem at that level if she's hoping to get you excited about money for a house you don't feel connected to (which is possibly another issue that's been hashed out many times over in this thread ) or may not own.

The vast majority of my income comes from a salary I get for being a Director of a company my parents started. Really, it's my parents' money / business / assets / investments (whatever you want to call it) that gives me an income. My wife is right about the fact I'd have absolutely nothing if it weren't for my parents. Currently alongside my involvement in property, I teach music, am still a little involved with antiques and volunteer in both a primary and secondary school. I suppose in a funny way I hope I can positively impact someone's life. In the primary school there is a boy who seems to think gaining a good level of education and being well read is something for girls to aspire to (no father at home, uneducated male role models and only female teachers in the school). Since the start of the term, getting him to read has been very difficult. However, today he read to the end of his book and was keen to pick a new book, telling me he was going to read before bed tonight. Apparently, his mother doesn't read to him and doesn't listen to him read which is a another problem. His class teacher told me he could hardly wait to read to me today. It earns me no money but I'm proud of the fact that boy wanted to pick his book up to read to me today. I suppose it feels like I've done something worthwhile. However, I don't earn a lot of money and unless I am motivated to make some extra money, I can't save / overpay.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

(On that note, does she know how seriously you're contemplating splitting up? Even though it's something you desperately want to avoid, she should still know that's where your head is, if only to better be able to grasp the gravity of things, especially if she thinks a few weeks of dog walking with LittleK and polite conversation at the dinner table will smooth everything over.)

All that ranting aside, I really am rooting for you and MrsK. That said, as the child of divorced parents (who split up when I was LittleK's age), LittleK will be fine. You are an amazing dad, and if all he ever has with MrsK is more of a friends-who-hang-out relationship than a full parental one, that's not the end of the world. That's about what I had with my dad growing up (we've gotten a bit closer in the last few years when he could help me with "adult" problems), and we still love each other, see each other at s (would be more often but now we're 8,000 miles apart), stay involved in each others' lives, etc.

I hadn't considered she perhaps isn't thinking and reflecting upon the marriage to the point I am. She isn't so upset and does seem to be trying to please me at the moment. I suppose I had thought she was starting to put a great deal of effort into this and I should be guilty for not going back. I think she is aware I am seriously contemplating the possibility of not staying married.

As for the house, I want to pay off the mortgage and finish the project. I missed the place this evening after realising I've some good memories there - the music room there still has all my scores and I realised my son and I started to enjoy playing music together there. Here, it is no longer 'my' music room as my piano is at the other house. This piano I wouldn't have personally chosen, neither of my parents play to any kind of standard and seems to have chosen something to 'fill a gap' rather than to be a good piano to play. :rotfl:

I really hope my wife and son have a good relationship as he grows up.

misscousinitt wrote: »

Alex you do belong on here...it is your aspiration to be MF not the fact that you are unable to contribute to that at the moment that gives you a firm place on this .

As said above, you have far too much on your plate at the moment to be worrying about OPs and savings - you are just trying to get yourself straight. Cut yourself some slack and keep posting - it's good to have an outlet.

Take care

MCI

Thank you, MCI.

I suppose my situation re. the mortgage is a little different to others relying on getting MF purely for long term financial reasons. Sometimes it does seem I don't really belong on here, either because I'm not saving / OPing or because in the long term I don't need to be MF. That said, it would be a big achievement for me to pay the mortgage off from a personal point of view.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

+1 to what HiddenShadow said - what an absolutely spot-on post!

Also +1 to MCI's post - we love hearing from you and I for one hope we help in some small way.

Love and positive wishes

HBS x

Thank you, HBS.