Renovations and Repayments.

Suffolk_lass

I don't really agree with the advice that others are giving you to take a hard line with your wife and stop looking after her, unless you have already made up your mind that your marriage is over and finished. While you are having this time apart, you should keep the door open so that there is a way back to your marriage, if that is something you are still considering (from your comments, you are, although you do want behaviours and attitudes to change on her part).

You also want little LK to see a harmonious relationship between you and his Mother, and even if your separation becomes permanent, access to little LK would benefit from the removal of animosity and conflict - so I think you should continue to support her for the timebeing. You do not need to remind her of what she is losing, she can see that.

The key things are - can (will) she change? and can (will) you forgive?

Only you (two) can decide the answers - none of our well-meaning advice really reflects how you feel or what you want.

Enjoy the swimming and stay calm

SL

newgirly

As frustrating as is can be for us to read (how your wife treats you sometimes) I think Suffolk lass has a point.

It may be that you can work this through, you have been together quite while and perhaps this is the wake up call she has needed. But if it doesn't work out then keeeping in good terms (as much as is possible) is the best you can do. I have witnessed from a distance quite a few break ups involving children and even those that were cast iron guaranteed to be amicable for the sake of the children can turn unpleasant, over time bitterness can creep in, of course it doesn't always happen but as you say your dw is good at getting her own way.

I guess we here don't know either of you that well and I suppose what I'm worrying for you is that you may have issues over custody of littlek, as you say unfairly often mum gets priority just because she is mum. I hope I haven't spoken out of turn here, past experience makes this more to the forefront when I read your diary as I've witnessed unfairness in breakups before with close friends so may be biased!

maman

I understand the need to keep things amicable but not to the extent of taking the p***.


How can it benefit to LittleK to see his mother behaving more like a child than he does and his father letting her get away with it?


I'm not saying Alex shouldn't be polite or even friendly but certainly not a doormat. Those days are (hopefully) over.


Alex, don't you have any more unwanted things to sell to raise your half of the council tax? Is all your salary from your parents committed?

AlexLK

badmemory wrote: »

Enjoy your swim - a very good reason for not having a NSD.

As you know I have a nasty suspicious mind, that mind is thinking that your wife is going to try to make you pay to keep your son, which is what I believe you both want. I just meant really to try to keep the cost of that down, remember you will be entitled to child maintenance!

Have I remembered correctly that your son used to be very reluctant to go into school? You say he goes off quite happily now, that's good. But do you know that one of the reasons (only one there are many) a child doesn't want to go into school is because they are worried about what may happen whilst they are not at home?

Good luck with the counselling!

Thanks.

Swimming was good. My wife came too.

I'm not concerned about taking her money if we cannot work something out to stay together.

My son really struggled at school (not academically but with being away from home and other pupils). I don't think he was concerned, though I am a lot better than I was during his Reception year. Certainly don't think it was anything to do with my wife.

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Still rooting for you Alex.
Am I right in thinking you are not loads older than Mrs K?
She is sort of infantilising herself it seems. Is that a technique that has worked before?
You are so Christian in approach. I would let her be hungry.

I'm 2 years older, smallholding. So, not much.

She does that a lot and has openly admitted she dislikes having responsibilities.

There are times gone by that she's looked after me through very difficult times. It would have been much easier for her to start a new life but she didn't and no matter what's happened since, I'll always be thankful she stayed with me through some very dark times.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

Very simple: say no.

She may very well be not eating on her own if she's upset by the situation. (Or she might be claiming to not be eating to gain sympathy.) Either way, two days of not eating is not going to hurt her. Even people who are super stressed and miserable manage to eat eventually.

That said, when one is having difficulties with someone that's causing both to be upset, and said someone goes out of their way to prepare one something nice to eat, one does not respond with "I won't eat that, make me something else." (Assuming one is over the age of 3-4 or whatever age kids learn that they should just sit down and eat whatever they're given )

That leads me to believe that she's preying on your sympathies. Charitably speaking, she just wants to get you to work harder to make her something special (possibly so that she feels you're special to her). Uncharitably speaking, she's trying to set you up so that you want to give her an unfair advantage in/during this situation, whether it's paying half the bills when you're not living in the house (extra silly as she makes more than you!) or possibly agreeing that she shouldn't pay child support if it came to that.

Who knows. Bottom line is, you say "No." She can react to that however she likes, but she has plenty of options (ranging from making her own meal like an adult to storming off in a huff).

Thanks, Hidden Shadow.

She is struggling to eat. When she comes here, she's not eating much at all, so I can believe that she is not preparing food for herself.

We had lunch at the house we own together today and agreed what we're going to do about food over the next week. I'm just hoping she sticks to her word.

AlexLK

Fay wrote: »

Sorry to de lurk again Alex. I think you've made major strides in your personal understanding and development, don't let this set you back. She is clearly eating and therefore lying as she's having dinner with you and your parents. Presumably she also eats the lunch you make her, so she is making a choice not to look after herself. Stay strong in the counselling and don't let her dominate it.

Thanks.

I'm trying to not let this take me back into the abyss. Got to keep it together for my son's sake and mine. Being able to do the teacher training in September, is also helping me to keep on track as it's something I really want to do.

She had not eaten for two days before she came to have dinner with us, Fay. I can believe that and don't think she's lying.

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

I don't really agree with the advice that others are giving you to take a hard line with your wife and stop looking after her, unless you have already made up your mind that your marriage is over and finished. While you are having this time apart, you should keep the door open so that there is a way back to your marriage, if that is something you are still considering (from your comments, you are, although you do want behaviours and attitudes to change on her part).

You also want little LK to see a harmonious relationship between you and his Mother, and even if your separation becomes permanent, access to little LK would benefit from the removal of animosity and conflict - so I think you should continue to support her for the timebeing. You do not need to remind her of what she is losing, she can see that.

The key things are - can (will) she change? and can (will) you forgive?

Only you (two) can decide the answers - none of our well-meaning advice really reflects how you feel or what you want.

Enjoy the swimming and stay calm

SL

Thanks, SL.

I want to stay married. BUT only if she can take steps to change some of her behaviour. Today she showed me that she's been working on some techniques to cope with getting angry (over not a lot, usually). I'm quite surprised she's taking it so seriously but I'm not sure that she'll make any long term changes, so not holding out too much hope or going back just yet.

newgirly wrote: »

As frustrating as is can be for us to read (how your wife treats you sometimes) I think Suffolk lass has a point.

It may be that you can work this through, you have been together quite while and perhaps this is the wake up call she has needed. But if it doesn't work out then keeeping in good terms (as much as is possible) is the best you can do. I have witnessed from a distance quite a few break ups involving children and even those that were cast iron guaranteed to be amicable for the sake of the children can turn unpleasant, over time bitterness can creep in, of course it doesn't always happen but as you say your dw is good at getting her own way.

I guess we here don't know either of you that well and I suppose what I'm worrying for you is that you may have issues over custody of littlek, as you say unfairly often mum gets priority just because she is mum. I hope I haven't spoken out of turn here, past experience makes this more to the forefront when I read your diary as I've witnessed unfairness in breakups before with close friends so may be biased!

My wife isn't interested in our son staying at her house. She has already asked if I'd be ok with her visiting him (and me :rotfl:) but she wouldn't want him to stay at her house if we don't work things out. Really cannot see her changing her mind about wanting him to stay and whilst it saddens me that she doesn't want to have anymore a relationship with our son than she does with her brother's children, I would be happy with that arrangement. Though if we do take that option I think she would have to arrange to do something with our son rather than spending the time talking to me.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

I understand the need to keep things amicable but not to the extent of taking the p***.


How can it benefit to LittleK to see his mother behaving more like a child than he does and his father letting her get away with it?


I'm not saying Alex shouldn't be polite or even friendly but certainly not a doormat. Those days are (hopefully) over.


Alex, don't you have any more unwanted things to sell to raise your half of the council tax? Is all your salary from your parents committed?

Thanks, maman. Those were my thoughts, so I decided to come up with a meal plan for next week which she is (currently) happy with. To be honest, if she's going to ask me to do something else next week I think I'm going to say it's not what we agreed to so I cannot do it. She can buy ingredients on her way home and prepare it there.

I'm going through my finances today. My wife and I have agreed I do not need to pay half the cleaning bill because she's eating with us. I'd rather not sell unwanted things to pay for council tax (hardly an 'investment' I'm going to see a return for). Though she thinks this is all going to be resolved by this time next month and I don't need to be concerned about the council tax. Personally, I'm not sure one month of her trying to stick to new ways is really long enough to show it will stay that way.

maman

Quick question Alex: I wasn't aware you had a cleaner. If your wife is at work all day and out many evenings during the week, why does she need a cleaner? Surely the place doesn't get in much of a mess.

newgirly

Well I guess it makes it much easier if she doesn't want custody.

Re the council tax, can't you pay it monthly over the year?

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

Quick question Alex: I wasn't aware you had a cleaner. If your wife is at work all day and out many evenings during the week, why does she need a cleaner? Surely the place doesn't get in much of a mess.

Neither of us like cleaning which is why we have one. I don't suppose it does get in a mess with just my wife there but we both hope it won't stay that way, so are keeping things as they were.

newgirly wrote: »

Well I guess it makes it much easier if she doesn't want custody.

Re the council tax, can't you pay it monthly over the year?

Yes. If she had her way I'd go back and we'd visit our son at my parents'. It's not that she doesn't want to be a part of his life, just that she doesn't want the day to day parenting aspect.

We usually pay for the year in advance. We could pay for it monthly but I find it easier to clear it, then there's no concern of it not being paid / forgotten about etc.

newgirly

Yes. If she had her way I'd go back and we'd visit our son at my parents'. It's not that she doesn't want to be a part of his life, just that she doesn't want the day to day parenting aspect.


:eek::eek::eek: ok I have no words for this (not ones that would post anyway!)