Renovations and Repayments.

Watty1

AlexLK wrote: »

I realise this is pathetic but I feel much safer not living in the same house at the moment. Do hope things change, though.

Given how positive your posts are I would say that it is not pathetic, and, probably the right thing for you at the moment.
A very wise person once told me (more than once) that as we change those close to us might not like the change because it upsets the status quo. Even a small change from you like being unwilling to sweep something under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen is going to be a big change for Mrs LK.
Have faith this will work out, maybe not how you expect, but, will work out for the better in the end.

Suffolk_lass

Watty1 wrote: »

A very wise person once told me (more than once) that as we change those close to us might not like the change because it upsets the status quo. Even a small change from you like being unwilling to sweep something under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen is going to be a big change for Mrs LK.
Have faith this will work out, maybe not how you expect, but, will work out for the better in the end.

...coming out of lurkdom to chip in here. Wise words indeed Watty1. By drawing your "this is unacceptable" line in the sand you are setting a new boundary line for Mrs LK and letting her know how hurt you are. She must reflect on this and decide her acceptance/rejection of this. If it is to accept, you need to have thought through and talked through what must change if you are to live together again. From my own experience, it is easier to do this when you are apart (we did get back together and remain so).

Whatever it is, it must work for both of you, or it will not last. I thought through where I could move, tolerate, compromise (not all needed but being prepared helped us work through the underlying problems).

Please forgive the contribution without introduction - I have been reading and enjoying your diary for a while (along with edinburgher's) and your situation just resonated with my own, eight years ago.

Best wishes
SL

misscousinitt

Hi Alex

Just catching up...oh my word, what a time you have had! But I echo what others have said and I applaud the way you have been dealing with things.

I wish you all the best for 2017 (what ever it may bring) and hope that a resolution is found that suits what you and your son need.

MCI

AlexLK

No alcohol - 4/28.
No sweet treats - 3/31.
No meat - 1/10.
Walking - 3/31 10,000 steps.
Savings - £0.
Going to bed at a reasonable time - 0/31, hopefully tonight is the night.

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Thanks Alex. I got at least 30 thousand miles and wearing evenly.

That's all good.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

She's her own person, able to make her own choices. She may react to things that you do, but she always has the choice to do x instead of y. It sounds like she's done whatever she likes, damn the consequences (work evenings with colleagues, not spending time with/paying attention to LittleK, random holidays without you, etc), so it's highly unlikely that you behaving like a perfect angel 24/7 would have changed anything. (Perhaps even made her act out more because she had no interest in/ability to match your good behaviour? Pure speculation there though.)

Definitely not pathetic! If it gives you the physical and mental breathing space you need, then it's for the best. I'm happy you and your parents are getting along, so staying with them isn't an extra mental/emotional burden. Hope counselling/time does help you (and MrsK) figure out what's best for the future.

Thank you and I think you're right, HiddenShadow. I'm finding that I'm questioning myself. She came here for dinner tonight, felt terrible as she's so upset about all of this and told me she'd not eaten in two days. I made her some lunch to take to work tomorrow but hope she will start looking after herself.

I don't see my parents apart from at meal times unless we arrange prior. It's been agreed I have the music room, drawing room, bedroom and a bathroom. Son already has a bedroom here. We share the kitchen, dining room and other spaces around the house. I think having some space away from my parents is why we're getting along well. To be honest, my parents have been wonderful and over the holiday we spent a lot of time together. Mother and I have been walking our dogs together two times per day. They are going to Spain in a couple of weeks, I'm quite going to miss them.

LadyGnome wrote: »

Good progress. Fresh air and exercise and getting up to take your school will all help with the sleep in the long run. If I can't sleep I listen to a relaxation or meditation app. I have some for the children too which have proved a godsend at times.

Thanks Lady Gnome.

Yes, today was the first real get up. Had a late night, so hoping to have a reasonable night tonight.

I think I probably do need to try some relaxation apps. My son isn't always the greatest sleeper, I had not thought about trying them for him, thank you.

AlexLK

Watty1 wrote: »

Given how positive your posts are I would say that it is not pathetic, and, probably the right thing for you at the moment.
A very wise person once told me (more than once) that as we change those close to us might not like the change because it upsets the status quo. Even a small change from you like being unwilling to sweep something under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen is going to be a big change for Mrs LK.
Have faith this will work out, maybe not how you expect, but, will work out for the better in the end.

Thanks, Watty.

We've been through a lot together. I am starting to not be so passive for fear of losing her and I can see how that could be difficult. Doing as one wishes even if the kind of thing that shouldn't be done in a marriage is, I suppose, a nice place to be.

I hope things will work out for the best.

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

...coming out of lurkdom to chip in here. Wise words indeed Watty1. By drawing your "this is unacceptable" line in the sand you are setting a new boundary line for Mrs LK and letting her know how hurt you are. She must reflect on this and decide her acceptance/rejection of this. If it is to accept, you need to have thought through and talked through what must change if you are to live together again. From my own experience, it is easier to do this when you are apart (we did get back together and remain so).

Whatever it is, it must work for both of you, or it will not last. I thought through where I could move, tolerate, compromise (not all needed but being prepared helped us work through the underlying problems).

Please forgive the contribution without introduction - I have been reading and enjoying your diary for a while (along with edinburgher's) and your situation just resonated with my own, eight years ago.

Best wishes
SL

Thank you for your insight, SL.

Sorry I don't have a particularly articulate response, I'm not having a great time dealing with the situation today. Ultimately, I know you're right about my wife having to reflect upon whether or not she finds me not pretending that everything is fine an acceptable trait. However, at the moment she seems to think I'm going to pretend nothing has happened and everything will be the same as ever.

misscousinitt wrote: »

Hi Alex

Just catching up...oh my word, what a time you have had! But I echo what others have said and I applaud the way you have been dealing with things.

I wish you all the best for 2017 (what ever it may bring) and hope that a resolution is found that suits what you and your son need.

MCI

Thanks, MCI.

AlexLK

Meant to add today has been my 2nd NSD this year so far. 1st was on the 1st when I don't think there were any shops open.

LadyGnome

http://www.calmforkids.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=section&layout=blog&id=3&Itemid=5


Alex I have the Enchanted Meditations and Bedtime Meditations for my boys. I bought them through Audible / Amazon so they are on my phone.

The other thing that helps my sons get to sleep are audiobooks. I have bought a selection of different stories like Roald Dahl, Wind in the Willows etc. The Book People usually have very good deals on Audiobook sets.

maman

Hope you managed a reasonable night's sleep Alex.


While I admire you for feeding MrsK and being concerned, it's hard to be sympathetic. If she's upset, it's of her own making. Her behaviour is unacceptable towards both you and LittleK. Although the unfaithfulness is a big one I find the stated lack of respect for you, the immature behaviour towards LittleK and the irresponsibility/selfishness of spending on herself including holidays completely unacceptable. Then there were the ridiculous demands about the cleaner etc the other day. I think MrsK is upset as she's having one big shock as she realises just what she's done and is potentially throwing away.


As for you just going back and things returning to 'normal' as if none of this happened that just can't happen. I believe that it took that falling out with your parents (over damning LittleK with faint praise) for you to decide where the line would be drawn. You stuck to your guns then even though it was difficult and and I think your relationship with your parents is all the better for it.


While everyone's relationship is different there is/was a lot about your relationship with MrsK that needed/needs sorting out. Her attitude of what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own for one and the way she distances herself from LittleK when it suits her for another. I'll stop there.;)

AlexLK

No alcohol - 5/28.
No sweet treats - 3/31, had 3 biscuits.
No meat - 2/10.
Walking - 5/31 14,000 steps.
Savings - £0.
Going to bed at a reasonable time - 0/31, can't seem to resolve this at the moment.

Some good new, my son has had two excellent days at school. There was no fuss about going back yesterday and today he asked if a boy from Reception could come for dinner one day.

Today hasn't been a NSD as I sent two coats away to be rewaxed. Yes, I know I can do this myself but it's a horrible job and the one time I attempted it I regretted not just sending it in. One coat is past its best and needs a few repairs but it should be OK for dog walking.

LadyGnome wrote: »

http://www.calmforkids.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=section&layout=blog&id=3&Itemid=5


Alex I have the Enchanted Meditations and Bedtime Meditations for my boys. I bought them through Audible / Amazon so they are on my phone.

The other thing that helps my sons get to sleep are audiobooks. I have bought a selection of different stories like Roald Dahl, Wind in the Willows etc. The Book People usually have very good deals on Audiobook sets.

Thank you, Lady Gnome.

I read to him. If he wakes, I usually read some of his favourite books until he goes back to sleep. He seems to expect it because he seems to think I don't sleep at all. :rotfl: I think I may try some audiobooks for if he wakes in the future, though.

maman wrote: »

Hope you managed a reasonable night's sleep Alex.

While I admire you for feeding MrsK and being concerned, it's hard to be sympathetic. If she's upset, it's of her own making. Her behaviour is unacceptable towards both you and LittleK. Although the unfaithfulness is a big one I find the stated lack of respect for you, the immature behaviour towards LittleK and the irresponsibility/selfishness of spending on herself including holidays completely unacceptable. Then there were the ridiculous demands about the cleaner etc the other day. I think MrsK is upset as she's having one big shock as she realises just what she's done and is potentially throwing away.

As for you just going back and things returning to 'normal' as if none of this happened that just can't happen. I believe that it took that falling out with your parents (over damning LittleK with faint praise) for you to decide where the line would be drawn. You stuck to your guns then even though it was difficult and and I think your relationship with your parents is all the better for it.

While everyone's relationship is different there is/was a lot about your relationship with MrsK that needed/needs sorting out. Her attitude of what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own for one and the way she distances herself from LittleK when it suits her for another. I'll stop there.;)

Another not so brilliant night.

The reasons you state are why I couldn't carry on as if nothing is wrong. There's hardly any relationship between my wife and son at the moment. He doesn't seem to be missing her but that seems to sadden me more than him. I think I'm getting on better with my parents now than ever before.

I am concerned about her but not sympathetic. According to her she only has me to talk to because her family aren't pleased with her. From what I know she was completely honest with them and they didn't like it. She now has a difficult relationship with her brother since the holiday they went on together and he can be a little "holier-than-thou" at the best of times, so from what I can tell he's hardly speaking to her. All her friends are in long term relationships / married and some have children now so don't want to go out to bars with her all the time. I'm not sure she realised until these past few weeks. Tonight she came for dinner again and I've made her lunch for work. She wanted something different to what I was preparing for son, so that was twice the effort. She won't be coming back tomorrow as she's going out with the two work colleagues, of course. :mad: As we all had dinner she decided to try to persuade my father that I was being unreasonable and he ought tell me to go back with her. :mad: :mad: :mad:

LadyGnome

I wonder if she coped better with the old style Alex because you could be "irresponsible" together. You were partners in crime so to speak - it didn't matter if she was behaving without a thought for tomorrow because you were too. You've moved past that stage but she hasn't. When you have children you have to take your responsibilities seriously and you've embraced that; she hasn't.
Quite frankly, she sounds like she needs to do a hell of a lot of growing up and maturing. It sounds like she is trying to scapegoat you for the split and I wonder how often she has blamed you for problems in the past so she doesn't have to change what she is doing.