Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

Half past midnight and on here. I need to go to bed, am tired so should take advantage of that. Need to take my father to the GP tomorrow.

Lady Gnome, thank you. She doesn't take the responsibility of being a parent seriously, I don't think. She is immature in some ways, I've been blamed for that as she was only 23 when we got married (11 years this year).

badmemory

An awful lot of us (after being married a while often too) realised that when we married we were immature. It does not absolve us from the responsibilities that we took on. It may make us want to escape from those responsibilities but for most of us that is not an option. Maybe she needs to be offered the option to escape (but for a fee make sure you charge it!).

I'm actually feeling a bit of a not nice person at the moment because when I first started reading (back in day one) I thought she would be gone the next week. Then I thought great I got it wrong, but now I'm not so sure.

But anyway she can't go. If she did she would have to make a choice as to whether miniK stays with you or goes with her. She knows that he would be better off with you. Heck (will that get passed the censor?) we all know that. But it is a very difficult thing for a mother to say so you need to give her a reason to be able to say "my son will be better off for the time being if he stays with his father".

Please remember that you are a fantastic parent, a lot better than a lot of children get. Do NOT put yourself down over this. Children like yours do not come without parental input and that input came from you.

hiddenshadow

AlexLK wrote: »

Tonight she came for dinner again and I've made her lunch for work. She wanted something different to what I was preparing for son, so that was twice the effort. She won't be coming back tomorrow as she's going out with the two work colleagues, of course. :mad:

I'm speechless here. Surely she can make her own lunch - a sandwich if nothing else??? If she's going to act so childish it seems only fair to treat her like a child..."I have prepared X, you'll eat it or you'll make yourself something". To expect you to prepare her a special lunch on top of everything else.... :mad:

As we all had dinner she decided to try to persuade my father that I was being unreasonable and he ought tell me to go back with her. :mad: :mad: :mad:

I like how she feels it's perfectly fine for your parent(s) to dictate your behaviour to you as long as they're dictating what she wants you to do....

AlexLK wrote: »

Lady Gnome, thank you. She doesn't take the responsibility of being a parent seriously, I don't think. She is immature in some ways, I've been blamed for that as she was only 23 when we got married (11 years this year).

Really, Alex.... I'm sure you didn't hold a gun to her head and force her to get married at age 23. LittleK isn't 11 so it wasn't a shotgun marriage. She made a choice to get married at that age, and she's had 11 years to mature (or not). Likewise, she made a choice (perhaps heavily influenced by you, but still, a choice) to have LittleK. She may have discovered that she's not interested in/cut out for motherhood, which is fine (bit sad for both her and LittleK, but as others have said, you are a seriously great dad so he's not exactly lacking). All that said, she can't just say "well, it's on you that I can't/won't grow up". DH and I have changed (and probably matured, just a smidge ) since we got married, and we've only been married 3 years and are in our 30s, so unless you were forcing her to go out partying for the last 11 years and not giving her the option to choose to pursue other things, you can't take the blame for her not altering her behaviour or mentality for more than a decade (!). (I'm not saying she necessarily should have changed, but if she's retconning things so that she desperately wanted to change but you were the Big Baddie who wouldn't let her, then that's crap.)

maman

Alex, I do hope LittleK isn't around at dinner when his mother is trying to influence your father. I think you're right to have told him that you're helping the grandparents out. That's enough of an explanation for him at the moment. Although I'm sure he's bright enough to know something's amiss he won't be over concerned provided he feels secure and happy. The fact that he's gone back to school with no fuss this time is something of an indication of this.


It would seem that she's realising that nobody agrees with her point of view or finds her behaviour acceptable. That ranges from you through her own family to everyone on here:D. The fact that her friends aren't around because they're married with children should also tell her something. It's not that I'm saying that mothers shouldn't go out or even holiday with friends but her behaviour is totally irresponsible and selfish. To me, being married at 23 is no excuse at all.


I, too, think the packed lunch situation is farcical. I wouldn't be making her any packed lunch let alone a special order!:eek:


Hope you have a good weekend and hope your dad gets on OK at the GP.


Of course, you realise it's your fault that MrsK is forced to go out on the lash tonight. If you'd agreed to date night and dumped your parents with the responsibility of taking LittleK to orchestra it wouldn't have happened. Bad Boy!:rotfl:

AlexLK

badmemory wrote: »

An awful lot of us (after being married a while often too) realised that when we married we were immature. It does not absolve us from the responsibilities that we took on. It may make us want to escape from those responsibilities but for most of us that is not an option. Maybe she needs to be offered the option to escape (but for a fee make sure you charge it!).

I'm actually feeling a bit of a not nice person at the moment because when I first started reading (back in day one) I thought she would be gone the next week. Then I thought great I got it wrong, but now I'm not so sure.

But anyway she can't go. If she did she would have to make a choice as to whether miniK stays with you or goes with her. She knows that he would be better off with you. Heck (will that get passed the censor?) we all know that. But it is a very difficult thing for a mother to say so you need to give her a reason to be able to say "my son will be better off for the time being if he stays with his father".

Please remember that you are a fantastic parent, a lot better than a lot of children get. Do NOT put yourself down over this. Children like yours do not come without parental input and that input came from you.

Thank you.

I was certainly immature, still am in some ways which is probably some of the reasons why I enjoy being a parent.

Not sure what you mean by "charging a fee"? I'm sure it's some kind of metaphorical term that I'm just a bit slow to pick up on.

I completely disagree with the notion that if we are to split permanently that she has a choice to make over our son. We have a choice to make, yes but it is not something she makes her mind up over and I (and son) live with the consequences. Nor do I have an ultimate say. If we cannot work something out between us we will have mediation over the matter. Unfortunately, there's too much of that in our society, the notion that the mother somehow has the final say on the children that both parents created (and hopefully brought up) together. I do think it influences a lot of men to not take their responsibilities as fathers seriously. I also think it tends to place a lot of women in the role of being some kind of martyr figure for the family (few interests, feeling obliged by the notion of being the main care giver even if that isn't really wanted etc.). Not healthy for anyone, in my opinion and carries over to the next generation of martyr mothers and absent fathers.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

I'm speechless here. Surely she can make her own lunch - a sandwich if nothing else??? If she's going to act so childish it seems only fair to treat her like a child..."I have prepared X, you'll eat it or you'll make yourself something". To expect you to prepare her a special lunch on top of everything else.... :mad:

I like how she feels it's perfectly fine for your parent(s) to dictate your behaviour to you as long as they're dictating what she wants you to do....

Really, Alex.... I'm sure you didn't hold a gun to her head and force her to get married at age 23. LittleK isn't 11 so it wasn't a shotgun marriage. She made a choice to get married at that age, and she's had 11 years to mature (or not). Likewise, she made a choice (perhaps heavily influenced by you, but still, a choice) to have LittleK. She may have discovered that she's not interested in/cut out for motherhood, which is fine (bit sad for both her and LittleK, but as others have said, you are a seriously great dad so he's not exactly lacking). All that said, she can't just say "well, it's on you that I can't/won't grow up". DH and I have changed (and probably matured, just a smidge ) since we got married, and we've only been married 3 years and are in our 30s, so unless you were forcing her to go out partying for the last 11 years and not giving her the option to choose to pursue other things, you can't take the blame for her not altering her behaviour or mentality for more than a decade (!). (I'm not saying she necessarily should have changed, but if she's retconning things so that she desperately wanted to change but you were the Big Baddie who wouldn't let her, then that's crap.)

She can make her own lunch / dinner / other meal. We used to share cooking but she's recently come to expect to have meals prepared for her. She is telling me that she's not eating - apparently didn't eat in two days. I don't want her to make herself ill. She told me she wouldn't eat if she had the same as our son. I know it's ridiculous but I don't really know what else to do.

My wife will do anything to get her own way. Sometimes I admire her commitment to getting her way, to be honest.

I've hardly been interested in going out to bars since uni and have always encouraged her to pursue things she's interested in, sometimes to involve our son. My wife is a good artist, sometimes she will work with our son on projects. She is very good at blaming others for any problems she has. I'm usually the one she blames.

maman wrote: »

Alex, I do hope LittleK isn't around at dinner when his mother is trying to influence your father. I think you're right to have told him that you're helping the grandparents out. That's enough of an explanation for him at the moment. Although I'm sure he's bright enough to know something's amiss he won't be over concerned provided he feels secure and happy. The fact that he's gone back to school with no fuss this time is something of an indication of this.

It would seem that she's realising that nobody agrees with her point of view or finds her behaviour acceptable. That ranges from you through her own family to everyone on here:D. The fact that her friends aren't around because they're married with children should also tell her something. It's not that I'm saying that mothers shouldn't go out or even holiday with friends but her behaviour is totally irresponsible and selfish. To me, being married at 23 is no excuse at all.

I, too, think the packed lunch situation is farcical. I wouldn't be making her any packed lunch let alone a special order!:eek:

Hope you have a good weekend and hope your dad gets on OK at the GP.

Of course, you realise it's your fault that MrsK is forced to go out on the lash tonight. If you'd agreed to date night and dumped your parents with the responsibility of taking LittleK to orchestra it wouldn't have happened. Bad Boy!:rotfl:

My wife knows that so far as our son is concerned I'm helping my parents out. I really don't think he is worried, he certainly doesn't seem so.

She told me what she did when I decided things couldn't go as they were as a means to draw a line under the past and start afresh. It is my fault she's not coping well with this but I cannot go on not trusting her and that wouldn't be good for our son. For all my parents faults I know what a marriage should be like. At the moment my son doesn't and I don't think my marriage (as it is) is a healthy environment to grow up around.

Father got on well at the GP and has been reassured and referred.

Yes, I do realise it is all my fault.

AlexLK

No alcohol - 6/28.
No sweet treats - 3/31, .
No meat - 2/10.
Walking - 5/31 12,000 steps.
Savings - £0.
Going to bed at a reasonable time - 0/31, people don't generally count 1.30am as reasonable, I don't think.

No NSD today, I put some petrol in the MGB which I'm hopefully going to use next week. Tomorrow I plan to go swimming with my son, so that's not going to be an NSD either.

Also realised I need to find half the council tax money for April. No idea where that is coming from at the moment. I can't see anything being resolved between my wife and I when it is due, either. Next week we start counselling.

badmemory

Enjoy your swim - a very good reason for not having a NSD.

As you know I have a nasty suspicious mind, that mind is thinking that your wife is going to try to make you pay to keep your son, which is what I believe you both want. I just meant really to try to keep the cost of that down, remember you will be entitled to child maintenance!

Have I remembered correctly that your son used to be very reluctant to go into school? You say he goes off quite happily now, that's good. But do you know that one of the reasons (only one there are many) a child doesn't want to go into school is because they are worried about what may happen whilst they are not at home?

Good luck with the counselling!

smallholdingsister

Still rooting for you Alex.
Am I right in thinking you are not loads older than Mrs K?
She is sort of infantilising herself it seems. Is that a technique that has worked before?
You are so Christian in approach. I would let her be hungry.

hiddenshadow

AlexLK wrote: »

She is telling me that she's not eating - apparently didn't eat in two days. I don't want her to make herself ill. She told me she wouldn't eat if she had the same as our son. I know it's ridiculous but I don't really know what else to do.

Very simple: say no.

She may very well be not eating on her own if she's upset by the situation. (Or she might be claiming to not be eating to gain sympathy.) Either way, two days of not eating is not going to hurt her. Even people who are super stressed and miserable manage to eat eventually.

That said, when one is having difficulties with someone that's causing both to be upset, and said someone goes out of their way to prepare one something nice to eat, one does not respond with "I won't eat that, make me something else." (Assuming one is over the age of 3-4 or whatever age kids learn that they should just sit down and eat whatever they're given )

That leads me to believe that she's preying on your sympathies. Charitably speaking, she just wants to get you to work harder to make her something special (possibly so that she feels you're special to her). Uncharitably speaking, she's trying to set you up so that you want to give her an unfair advantage in/during this situation, whether it's paying half the bills when you're not living in the house (extra silly as she makes more than you!) or possibly agreeing that she shouldn't pay child support if it came to that.

Who knows. Bottom line is, you say "No." She can react to that however she likes, but she has plenty of options (ranging from making her own meal like an adult to storming off in a huff).

Fay

Sorry to de lurk again Alex. I think you've made major strides in your personal understanding and development, don't let this set you back. She is clearly eating and therefore lying as she's having dinner with you and your parents. Presumably she also eats the lunch you make her, so she is making a choice not to look after herself. Stay strong in the counselling and don't let her dominate it.