When one spouse wants another child and the other doesn't

silvercar

The difference between having one child and not having any is much greater than the difference between one and two children. If your wife is so desperate I would think you should give in. She is the one that has to carry it and give birth, she may (sexist I know) end up with more of the childcare resposibilities and TBH it isn't until child 1 is independent you will notice the lack of freedom that child 2 imposes on your life. Your life has already made the +child adjustment, so I would go for it.

But I would get agreement that this is the last one and that either she falls pregnant or she doesn't, if it isn't meant to happen then no infertility treatment. I may also want a timescale, either it happens in the next year or it doesn't.

itsanne

JesseBirdsall wrote: »

Morning,


The wife desperately wants another child but I am happy to stick with one. She is 40 so the clock is ticking and I fear that if we don't have another one a lifetime of resentment will follow

We are in a good place financially, could afford another but our lifestyle is just right, another child would just go back to bottles, sleepless nights, frazzled wife and all that jazz

Trouble is that sex occurs when she wants to try for a baby and because I know that's the reason I have no inclination. I don't feel wanted for me just what I can do.

Do I just bite the bullet? Opinions please!

In most things where there is a difference of opinion the best option is compromise, but having a child isn't like that - either you have one or you don't. In the situation where it's not possible to compromise, I'd suggest that if one person feels strongly and the other one doesn't agree but doesn't feel as strongly then the one who is most concerned should have his / her way. There's a huge difference in the degree to which she wants another child and the degree to which you don't. Being 'happy to stick with one' is a long way from desperately not wanting another one. In that situation, to answer your question as to whether you should bite the bullet - definitely yes. To be blunt, based on what you say about having another child, I can't understand why you even need to ask the question.

notanewuser

itsanne wrote: »

In most things where there is a difference of opinion the best option is compromise, but having a child isn't like that - either you have one or you don't. In the situation where it's not possible to compromise, I'd suggest that if one person feels strongly and the other one doesn't agree but doesn't feel as strongly then the one who is most concerned should have his / her way. There's a huge difference in the degree to which she wants another child and the degree to which you don't. Being 'happy to stick with one' is a long way from desperately not wanting another one. In that situation, to answer your question as to whether you should bite the bullet - definitely yes. To be blunt, based on what you say about having another child, I can't understand why you even need to ask the question.

What if that second child has issues that impact on the entire family?

Jagraf

notanewuser wrote: »

What if that second child has issues that impact on the entire family?

Thank you for that. My thoughts exactly.

Jagraf

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Sorry to say, but this could easily mean the end of your marriage, whichever way it turns out. Some people have such a desire/instinct to have another child, it simply isn't 'just your clock ticking', it can cause immense pain and hurt to not have the chance.

Jojo, but at how many children does this desire end? At some point nature / circumstances etc take over from desire, and we can't have everything we desire unfortunately.

If both of you don't want a child, then I not think you should make one together just to keep the other one happy. I think that is more important than giving in.

Jagraf

itsanne wrote: »

In most things where there is a difference of opinion the best option is compromise, but having a child isn't like that - either you have one or you don't. In the situation where it's not possible to compromise, I'd suggest that if one person feels strongly and the other one doesn't agree but doesn't feel as strongly then the one who is most concerned should have his / her way. There's a huge difference in the degree to which she wants another child and the degree to which you don't. Being 'happy to stick with one' is a long way from desperately not wanting another one. In that situation, to answer your question as to whether you should bite the bullet - definitely yes. To be blunt, based on what you say about having another child, I can't understand why you even need to ask the question.

I'm really starting to understand why men feel pressurised. It is his baby as much as hers. He has every right to make up his own mind and if he doesn't want one then morally he shouldn't have one. This is a baby, not a discussion about which colour to paint your bathroom.

marisco_2

itsanne wrote: »

There's a huge difference in the degree to which she wants another child and the degree to which you don't. Being 'happy to stick with one' is a long way from desperately not wanting another one. In that situation, to answer your question as to whether you should bite the bullet - definitely yes. To be blunt, based on what you say about having another child, I can't understand why you even need to ask the question.

I couldn't disagree more. The relationship you share with someone you would consider having a child with, should be strengthened by each person being able to express exactly how they feel openly and honestly. Safe in the knowledge that their views will be respected and that important life changing decisions will be made jointly. A baby is a lifetime commitment to a partner and you should only have one when you feel 100% sure and happy about it. Not just to please and make someone else happy.

PuzzledDave

On the one hand we have many posters telling men they 'should have kept it in their pants' if they didn't want another child... and on the other hand they should have a child because their OH demands one.

More than that, lets just ignore the emotional demands of a new child on the man or perhaps he might just not want the additional time and financial commitments of a new child. Nope, he should just 'bite the bullet' - accept all the downsides regardless of his own wants.

summerspring

This really is insurmountable, I think, if both sides feel very strongly that they do and do not want another baby.

System

I think you need to talk to your wife and if you honestly 100% feel you don't want more kids, you need to make that clear. It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into the world if its unwanted and would cause resentment. That said i can understand the wife's want of another child, but she needs to understand that if she went ahead with that without your consent she could very well find herself bringing it up alone.

Had you discussed at any point how many kids you'd want? Was it always that you only wanted and agreed on one and she's changed her mind? Or were to originally open to having more but have changed your mind? Either way there's been a breakdown of communications somewhere that needs to be addressed.