When one spouse wants another child and the other doesn't

itsanne

notanewuser wrote: »

What if that second child has issues that impact on the entire family?

Jagraf wrote: »

Thank you for that. My thoughts exactly.

That's always a possibility, but it wasn't a concern expressed by the OP.

Jagraf wrote: »

I'm really starting to understand why men feel pressurised. It is his baby as much as hers. He has every right to make up his own mind and if he doesn't want one then morally he shouldn't have one. This is a baby, not a discussion about which colour to paint your bathroom.

The issue would be the same if it was the woman who wasn't keen on the idea of another child. It's not specifically pressurising a man.

I think you're missing the point. I'm not comparing the decision about whether to have a child with something like what colour to choose for the bathroom. If two people want different things, what do you suggest they do if it's something about which there is no possible middle ground? Someone has to give way. Why shouldn't that be the person who feels least strongly? In this case - on the basis of his own description - that's the OP and the outcome would be to go ahead and have another child (if possible). What other way of arriving at a decision do you have?

itsanne

marisco wrote: »

I couldn't disagree more. The relationship you share with someone you would consider having a child with, should be strengthened by each person being able to express exactly how they feel openly and honestly. Safe in the knowledge that their views will be respected and that important life changing decisions will be made jointly. A baby is a lifetime commitment to a partner and you should only have one when you feel 100% sure and happy about it. Not just to please and make someone else happy.

I actually agree with most of that, and would probably think differently if the couple hadn't already decided to have one child. The OP and his wife have already made the commitment implicit in all that when they chose to have their child.

Asking you the same question as Jagraf, on what basis do you suggest the OP and his wife make the final decision about whether or not to have another child when their view is different?

PuzzledDave wrote: »

On the one hand we have many posters telling men they 'should have kept it in their pants' if they didn't want another child... and on the other hand they should have a child because their OH demands one.

More than that, lets just ignore the emotional demands of a new child on the man or perhaps he might just not want the additional time and financial commitments of a new child. Nope, he should just 'bite the bullet' - accept all the downsides regardless of his own wants.

There's truth in what you say about the contradictions, but I don't agree with the analysis in your second paragraph. I'd also say that the situation would be different if the OP was more adamant that he did not want another child.

The dilemma posed here is a very difficult one. Some have suggested it's insurmountable, but in my opinion that stance would lead to the break-up up of the marriage. There has to be a resolution, and unfortunately a compromise is not an option.

The two options are to go with what the wife wants and have another child despite the OP's reservations or to not have another child despite the OP's concerns about the long term effect on the relationship. Neither solution is satisfactory, but they are going to have to go with one of them. I've already said why I think they should choose having another child. You clearly disagree, so how do you think they should make the decision?

Marisco

itsanne wrote: »

That's always a possibility, but it wasn't a concern expressed by the OP.




The issue would be the same if it was the woman who wasn't keen on the idea of another child. It's not specifically pressurising a man.

I think you're missing the point. I'm not comparing the decision about whether to have a child with something like what colour to choose for the bathroom. If two people want different things, what do you suggest they do if it's something about which there is no possible middle ground? Someone has to give way. Why shouldn't that be the person who feels least strongly? In this case - on the basis of his own description - that's the OP and the outcome would be to go ahead and have another child (if possible). What other way of arriving at a decision do you have?

It would maybe help if the op told us how strongly he actually feels about it. If they both feel equally strongly, then the only thing that can be done is split up. As I said, I was absolutely adamant I didn't want any more, if my ex kept harassing me about it, I'm afraid the only option would have been to split up. No amount of harassing, sulks, general whinging would have changed my mind, and that would not have made for a happy household.

I can understand the op reluctance mind, they are both cracking on a bit, the child they have is 5, in school, not so helpless as a baby, they seem to have a decent lifestyle, probably got a bit of their life back, and he's not wanting to start all over again. They have been together 15 years, it's a shame really they didn't start their family a bit earlier, then this problem might not have arisen.

itsanne

Marisco wrote: »

It would maybe help if the op told us how strongly he actually feels about it.

Absolutely. It makes a huge difference. All my comments are based on my reading of his initial post to be that his feelings on the matter are a lot less strong than his wife's and more to do with inconvenience than a deep-seated reluctance to have another child. Unfortunately, if he feels more strongly than he suggests, it's very difficult to see a solution and doesn't bode well.

notanewuser

Comments about age differences between siblings are really surprising me! I've recently noticed quite clear differences between children the same age as my daughter that have younger siblings and those that don't. Most common age difference is 18-20 months and I feel so sorry for the older children who are expected to behave far older than their 4 years. If describe them as insecure and far more "challenging" than the only children. Without exception there were issues when the younger siblings arrived.

I have friends with gaps of 2, 5 and 7 years and their children have lovely relationships. Having the older children at school seem to have given the younger children a better start too.

Anecdotal, but interesting nonetheless.

mumps

Jagraf wrote: »

OP - don't! If the reason your OH wants another child is because she doesn't want "an only child" that is totally the wrong reason. And there is no guarantee that it will have anyway, and lots of in between scenarios!
.

I have four, the two who are closest have a 17 year age gap. Five years is nothing.

mumps

notanewuser wrote: »

Comments about age differences between siblings are really surprising me! I've recently noticed quite clear differences between children the same age as my daughter that have younger siblings and those that don't. Most common age difference is 18-20 months and I feel so sorry for the older children who are expected to behave far older than their 4 years. If describe them as insecure and far more "challenging" than the only children. Without exception there were issues when the younger siblings arrived.

I have friends with gaps of 2, 5 and 7 years and their children have lovely relationships. Having the older children at school seem to have given the younger children a better start too.

Anecdotal, but interesting nonetheless.

When my second was born the eldest was 3, he was so happy and proud. I had second at home and the eldest came in as soon as he was born and helped to bath him and then got into bed with me and baby. How lovely you might think. Oh no, the midwife decided his reaction was not normal, he must be harbouring deep hatred of the baby and I must monitor him closely. Honestly you can't get it right can you.

He always looked out for him, when the 2nd one was starting school the eldest's teacher took me to one side and said I needed to talk tohim as every time he mentioned his brother it was a declaration of love (not literally but implicit in what he said) and she felt it would make things awkward for the younger one.

So my advice to anyone having a second child is that the professionals will be highly suspicious if the older one isn't having issues.

mumps

notanewuser wrote: »

Comments about age differences between siblings are really surprising me! I've recently noticed quite clear differences between children the same age as my daughter that have younger siblings and those that don't. Most common age difference is 18-20 months and I feel so sorry for the older children who are expected to behave far older than their 4 years. If describe them as insecure and far more "challenging" than the only children. Without exception there were issues when the younger siblings arrived.

I have friends with gaps of 2, 5 and 7 years and their children have lovely relationships. Having the older children at school seem to have given the younger children a better start too.

Anecdotal, but interesting nonetheless.

I do think 18 month age gap is challenging, I realise 17 years is a bit big for most people but 18 months must be hard going.

Mojisola

Marisco wrote: »

It would maybe help if the op told us how strongly he actually feels about it.

Both of them need to be honest about how strongly they feel on the subject and also why they feel the way they do.

Does his wife want another baby because her little one is starting to be independent and she wants someone else to mother, is it because she hates the idea of having a single child (which really should have been discussed before), is she a bit scared at the idea of going back into the grown up world of work or another reason?

inasnum

peachyprice wrote: »

Speaking as an adult with a sibling, I'd say my life, and my brother's for that matter, would have been better if we'd have been singletons. There was no brotherly/sisterly bond, none of the ideal you imagine of siblings always being there for each other. Nothing. We just happened to have the same parents.

The last time I spoke to him was in November, that was only to tell him that my Aunt had died, I doubt I'll speak to him again for years now.

He lives the other side of the world, I know when my aged parents are too old to care for themselves it will be on my shoulders, just like a singleton.

There are two sides to every coin, the ill-perceived ideal of sibling companionship is not a reason to bring an unwanted child into the world.

Agree!
I'm an adult only child are am very happy indeed with being so, I have had and have no desire for a sibling! I wouldn't be brining a child into the world just because it might prove to be a positive for the existing child! I love the fact that its just me and my mum and dad, we are very close, indeed my wife wishes she was an only child as her sibling is always causing upset in the family!