When one spouse wants another child and the other doesn't

Marisco

peachyprice wrote: »

Speaking as an adult with a sibling, I'd say my life, and my brother's for that matter, would have been better if we'd have been singletons. There was no brotherly/sisterly bond, none of the ideal you imagine of siblings always being there for each other. Nothing. We just happened to have the same parents.

The last time I spoke to him was in November, that was only to tell him that my Aunt had died, I doubt I'll speak to him again for years now.

He lives the other side of the world, I know when my aged parents are too old to care for themselves it will be on my shoulders, just like a singleton.

There are two sides to every coin, the ill-perceived ideal of sibling companionship is not a reason to bring an unwanted child into the world.

Sounds the same as my two

peachyprice

Marisco wrote: »

Sounds the same as my two

Does it make you sad as a mother?

My mum is close to her sisters, I have't ever asked her, but I wonder if she finds it sad that her children don't have the same bond.

I don't feel sad as a sister, it's always been the same. There's been no big fall out, we're perfectly civil to each other when we do speak, I would be upset if anything bad happened to him, but there's just 'nothing there' iyswim,

moneyistooshorttomention

Alikay wrote: »

Speaking as an adult only child, I'd say the difference to your son between having a sibling and not could be massive and last his whole life. If it's just the baby and toddler stage you find difficult, could your improved financial situation help ease this such as paying for a cleaner, online grocery shopping etc?

That could go either way. I presume Alikay would have liked a sibling. Understandable and equally understandable that many people who have siblings are somewhere along the line in their views in between "Not bothered either way TO would prefer not to TO wish to goodness they didn't".

I'm in the "got a sibling - but would rather not have" and hope I never go into the "I wish to goodness I hadn't" that I fear my view might change to at some point. We've had this discussion on MSE before now and I believe it came down to the majority of people with siblings wish they didn't.

moneyistooshorttomention

PuzzledDave wrote: »

Having another child to please your partner is a terrible idea, odds are you will bitterly resent your partner and possibly even the child itself. Someone in my extended family is the result of just such a situation, it was ghastly for all concerned.

If sex is an issue - visit the GP and ask for the snip.

This too:T

Children do vary. My own mother would tell me that one of her children was a very troublesome/noisy baby that she sometimes wanted to "throw under a bus" (she didn't mean it...but you know...and I sympathise) and the other one was an "easy child". She said she was scared the second child would turn out the same as the first one had. Thanks mother...I love you too:cool::rotfl:

Errrm...you can guess which one I was..:rotfl:. I've heard of other people finding they had given birth to a pretty placid easy first child and then gone on to have another one and expected the same again - but got the noisy/more difficult one second to their shock.

Mind you...I'm guessing she hadn't read the stuff I subsequently had that says the screaming/crying/questioning ones are often the more intelligent ones and the poor little tykes are bored and frustrated accordingly...

Errata

Trouble is that sex occurs when she wants to try for a baby and because I know that's the reason I have no inclination. I don't feel wanted for me just what I can do.

That seems incredibly abusive, she seems to be treating you as nothing more than a sperm container. Start talking.

ciderwithrosie_2

If she feels bad for your only child not having a sibling, from experience I'd say it's too late anyway for them to be best buddies, the age gap is too great. If it's because of peer/parent pressure, you need to sit down and have an honest discussion about pros and cons and how you both feel and not feel obliged to conform with what everyone else expects.
Hormones seem to be extra 'active' in your 40s, so that could be contributing to the 'I desperately want another baby' feeling.

Jagraf

OP - don't! If the reason your OH wants another child is because she doesn't want "an only child" that is totally the wrong reason. And there is no guarantee that it will have anyway, and lots of in between scenarios!

My OH has NO biological children as I didn't want any more after my first marriage failed, that was a big ask of him but because we isn't both want one, we didn't ( we are glad now and he and my DD are very close).

Having a child is a gift, I would stand your ground.

Jagraf

Alikay wrote: »

Speaking as an adult only child, I'd say the difference to your son between having a sibling and not could be massive and last his whole life. If it's just the baby and toddler stage you find difficult, could your improved financial situation help ease this such as paying for a cleaner, online grocery shopping etc?

Do people really still believe in having another baby so that the other baby won't feel "alone"? In this day and age?

Gloomendoom

Jagraf wrote: »

Do people really still believe in having another baby so that the other baby won't feel "alone"? In this day and age?

I take it that you think that it is nonsense?

Jagraf

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I take it that you think that it is nonsense?

I think having the notion an only child will be lonely / on their own / sad is the completely the wrong reason for the basis of having another child as there are so many variables.

If you end up with siblings being close then that's nice, but its a bit "fairy tale" to think that way.

I also think that people make their own relationships whether biologically related or not. I wouldn't class myself as closer to my brother than to my friends, in fact, I would turn to them first as they know me better (although I have a good relationship with my brother we have nothing in common at all).

I really dislike the sayings "trying for a girl" or "we want a brother for X" etc when every baby is so precious on their own merits.

To be fair though OP hasn't sad these things and I would says its just her biological clock ticking.