When one spouse wants another child and the other doesn't

Marisco

Mojisola wrote: »

Both of them need to be honest about how strongly they feel on the subject and also why they feel the way they do.

Does his wife want another baby because her little one is starting to be independent and she wants someone else to mother, is it because she hates the idea of having a single child (which really should have been discussed before), is she a bit scared at the idea of going back into the grown up world of work or another reason?

Good points Mo, I never thought of that. IMO none of those reasons are enough to have another baby though, especially if her oh doesn't want one.

System

Regarding age gaps i'm 10, 9 and 6 years older than my siblings and for me that is huge, and i'm not close to them, where as they are all close to each other. They were all young at the same time where as i was by comparison a lot older.

mumps

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Regarding age gaps i'm 10, 9 and 6 years older than my siblings and for me that is huge, and i'm not close to them, where as they are all close to each other. They were all young at the same time where as i was by comparison a lot older.

But it varies, my two who are 17 years apart each have a sibling closer, one 2 years and one 3 years, yet they are the closest because of personality. The two who are closest in age are the least close. You can't predict these things as personality comes into it and who knows how that will work out.

Lunar_Eclipse

Hard one to resolve. I think the only way you can reach a resolution is to talk everything through, in detail. One of you may not be as fixed on your thoughts as you think.

I was very lucky. "The plan" was always two children, though for a while (when DD was 6 months and life was brilliant!) I considered stopping at one. DH was happy with whatever I wanted if I felt strongly, because he didn't and thus was much more easy going about it and possibly because in our case, it does affect me much more than him. And we did stick to the plan, with two.

Good luck!

Jagraf

itsanne wrote: »

I actually agree with most of that, and would probably think differently if the couple hadn't already decided to have one child. The OP and his wife have already made the commitment implicit in all that when they chose to have their child.

Asking you the same question as Jagraf, on what basis do you suggest the OP and his wife make the final decision about whether or not to have another child when their view is different?




There's truth in what you say about the contradictions, but I don't agree with the analysis in your second paragraph. I'd also say that the situation would be different if the OP was more adamant that he did not want another child.

The dilemma posed here is a very difficult one. Some have suggested it's insurmountable, but in my opinion that stance would lead to the break-up up of the marriage. There has to be a resolution, and unfortunately a compromise is not an option.

The two options are to go with what the wife wants and have another child despite the OP's reservations or to not have another child despite the OP's concerns about the long term effect on the relationship. Neither solution is satisfactory, but they are going to have to go with one of them. I've already said why I think they should choose having another child. You clearly disagree, so how do you think they should make the decision?

I would say to the OP to have an honest think with himself about whether he wants another baby or not, if so go ahead, if not don't.

My priority isn't about which has the stronger views or needs, its about both of them wanting a baby. If one of them doesn't, it shouldn't happen. Whether the marriage works thereafter is something they will have to work on. It's not ideal, but having a baby knowing you don't want one is unfathomable.

gettingtheresometime

peachyprice wrote: »

Speaking as an adult with a sibling, I'd say my life, and my brother's for that matter, would have been better if we'd have been singletons. There was no brotherly/sisterly bond, none of the ideal you imagine of siblings always being there for each other. Nothing. We just happened to have the same parents.

The last time I spoke to him was in November, that was only to tell him that my Aunt had died, I doubt I'll speak to him again for years now.

He lives the other side of the world, I know when my aged parents are too old to care for themselves it will be on my shoulders, just like a singleton.

There are two sides to every coin, the ill-perceived ideal of sibling companionship is not a reason to bring an unwanted child into the world.

This is my situation also.

I don't dislike my sister but her attitude has made me wonder sometimes.

Again I know when the time comes any care my mum will need will be down to me and OH

carmina_piranha

Alikay wrote: »

I agree with this up to a point but why have the op and his wife got to the stage of having a 5 year old and the wife being 40 before talking about it? Don't people usually discuss when/if/how many kids they want much earlier in the relationship? Has someone changed their mind, or not been up-front in their feelings about a family?

In a situation like this there is no compromise, and if both feel strongly I don't see much future for the marriage - there will inevitably be a huge amount of resentment whoever gets their own way.

My husband and I had discussed having one child, but after an unexpected pregnancy miscarried I wanted another baby but my husband didn't. We'd decided we would just have the one, but my hormones made me change my mind. We didn't have the space for another one without making things uncomfortable for the baby we already had, and we couldn't afford it.

I was a bit younger than OP and his wife, so in our case there was time to agree to wait for two or three years then discuss it again. He still didn't want another one, and he was hoping I'd get a job once the child started school.

Even though I was the one who wanted another baby, I agree with those above who have said that the one who doesn't want a baby has to 'win' this. I still love my husband, and we didn't split up. I will admit though that the longing for another baby took a long time to diminish. 9 years on I can see his point - it was my being 'frazzled' that concerned him more than anything else.

itsanne

Jagraf wrote: »

I would say to the OP to have an honest think with himself about whether he wants another baby or not, if so go ahead, if not don't.

My priority isn't about which has the stronger views or needs, its about both of them wanting a baby. If one of them doesn't, it shouldn't happen. Whether the marriage works thereafter is something they will have to work on. It's not ideal, but having a baby knowing you don't want one is unfathomable.

I agree about the need for the OP to think hard about it, especially as he's unclear about how strongly he feels. Ideally they'd both actively want any child they have, but I think simply saying if he doesn't actively want a child they shouldn't have one isn't going to help, and if anything could result in a break-up. The unfathomable aspect would only apply if the OP feels more strongly about it than the impression I get (possibly wrongly) from his initial query, not if he's just happy with the status quo and the idea of that changing isn't appealing.

ciderwithrosie_2

mumps wrote: »

I do think 18 month age gap is challenging, I realise 17 years is a bit big for most people but 18 months must be hard going.

Not that hard. 17 months between my eldest two. The oldest can't remember a time when the 2nd one wasn't around, so no jealousy and the 2nd one copied everything the oldest one did, so walked at 9 months and virtually potty trained himself. I do think I was lucky with son 2 as he just slept where you put him and was never colicky like the oldest. Given the choice I would have had son3 sooner but it didn't happen, so there's a 3 year and 5 month gap between the 2nd and 3rd ones and that was much harder.

dirty_magic

Personally I don't think it would make sense to end an otherwise happy relationship at 40 over another baby. She might not even meet someone else, and she doesn't have tons of time left!

If she was 30, I'd say it could possibly end the relationship, but at 40 I think it's cutting off your nose to spite your face. Lots of people only have one child, at least they have the one to be grateful for.