When one spouse wants another child and the other doesn't

DKLS

The op sounds like a mate of mine who was recently moaning that the only time his wife smiles at him is when she wants sex, as he puts it, "she doesn't want me she wants my baby batter"

Its causing a massive amount of stress for both of them.

splishsplash

I wouldn't have a baby just to please anyone, OP, I agree with those who say it's the one who doesn't want a child who must win this one.
Whether this becomes a deal breaker for your wife is something she must decide.

In my own experience, when siblings do get along, it's lovely.
When my three (adult) children were younger they were the best of friends one minute and the worst of enemies the next, but they are really close to each other now, which I find deeply comforting.
I know they will always have each other, and each of them has a unique relationship with the other two. They like to spend time with each other, they socialize together, they confide in each other, their friends' siblings are friends with their own siblings in most cases. They visit each other, they go to concerts together, they miss each other when living at opposite ends of the country, they love to meet up with each other and with extended family also.

So if it's just the initial difficult period of nappies and sleep deprivation, it might be worth thinking about how that really figures in the grand scheme of things? I know having siblings has enriched and added huge value to my own children's lives.

Alikay

splishsplash wrote: »

I wouldn't have a baby just to please anyone, OP, I agree with those who say it's the one who doesn't want a child who must win this one.
Whether this becomes a deal breaker for your wife is something she must decide.

I agree with this up to a point but why have the op and his wife got to the stage of having a 5 year old and the wife being 40 before talking about it? Don't people usually discuss when/if/how many kids they want much earlier in the relationship? Has someone changed their mind, or not been up-front in their feelings about a family?

In a situation like this there is no compromise, and if both feel strongly I don't see much future for the marriage - there will inevitably be a huge amount of resentment whoever gets their own way.

Jagraf

Alikay wrote: »

I agree with this up to a point but why have the op and his wife got to the stage of having a 5 year old and the wife being 40 before talking about it? Don't people usually discuss when/if/how many kids they want much earlier in the relationship? Has someone changed their mind, or not been up-front in their feelings about a family?

In a situation like this there is no compromise, and if both feel strongly I don't see much future for the marriage - there will inevitably be a huge amount of resentment whoever gets their own way.

I don't think you can really know until you try, or until you have one and experience it for yourselves?

What if you both want children but then one of you can't, or you've had one and found it so traumatic for whatever reason, that you can't do it again?

I think to say a marriage is over is harsh and extreme personally. Marriage is about more than babies.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sorry to say, but this could easily mean the end of your marriage, whichever way it turns out. Some people have such a desire/instinct to have another child, it simply isn't 'just your clock ticking', it can cause immense pain and hurt to not have the chance.

This means you need to be very gentle with her - if you definitely don't ever want another child, and, should she become pregnant, who would unequivocally state that you wanted her to have a termination or you would leave (that's how strongly I believe you need to feel) - you should be aware that she's going to be hurting for a very long time.

If, however, it's not that strong an emotional reaction and you know that if it were to happen, you'd adore that child and it would be fine in the end, would it really be so bad? You're financially ok, she knows what's involved, with a young child, it's not that much impact to have a baby to look after as well, and there's no reason why they shouldn't get on fine. Mine do. And my second was a doddle to look after, compared to being a first time mum with a permanently colicky eldest (twenty years later, we find out that she's allergic to all milk and is fine with soy/oat/nut substitutes, which, had I known at the time, would have saved me thousands of hours of sleep and her the same time of pain and sickness).


It's difficult. You could have children with a new partner for years. She won't be able to. So for you, it's never a final decision, but it is for her.

I always wanted another child but it couldn't happen for various reasons. I still feel sad when I'm around little ones that I'm never going to smell a newborn's hair, feel it move around inside me, feed him/her. I don't regret not having that child, but that doesn't mean my emotions and hormones want to listen to cold, hard logic.


Be aware as well that her wanting to make love might not be to make babies, it could be for reassurance that you still love her even though you don't want another child. So, to her, it could be that you're rejecting her as well.


Maybe you could consider a vasectomy? - that would make it ckear that it's a forever choice on your part as well.

Marisco

peachyprice wrote: »

Does it make you sad as a mother?

My mum is close to her sisters, I have't ever asked her, but I wonder if she finds it sad that her children don't have the same bond.

I don't feel sad as a sister, it's always been the same. There's been no big fall out, we're perfectly civil to each other when we do speak, I would be upset if anything bad happened to him, but there's just 'nothing there' iyswim,

It used to, but not any more, I'm probably so used to it now. There is 4.5 years between them (should have been less, but it took a while!! ) and they have totally different personalities, they just seem to rub each other the wrong way.

They'll both ask me how the other is when they phone, but that is about as far as it goes. I was an only child, and it didn't bother me at all, I had plenty of friends though, so was never lonely.

Jagraf

splishsplash wrote: »

I wouldn't have a baby just to please anyone, OP, I agree with those who say it's the one who doesn't want a child who must win this one.
Whether this becomes a deal breaker for your wife is something she must decide.

In my own experience, when siblings do get along, it's lovely.
When my three (adult) children were younger they were the best of friends one minute and the worst of enemies the next, but they are really close to each other now, which I find deeply comforting.
I know they will always have each other, and each of them has a unique relationship with the other two. They like to spend time with each other, they socialize together, they confide in each other, their friends' siblings are friends with their own siblings in most cases. They visit each other, they go to concerts together, they miss each other when living at opposite ends of the country, they love to meet up with each other and with extended family also.

So if it's just the initial difficult period of nappies and sleep deprivation, it might be worth thinking about how that really figures in the grand scheme of things? I know having siblings has enriched and added huge value to my own children's lives.

Do they all have partners?

My best friend (and family friend) had three siblings and when we were teens we all got on together. Their partners who they met later couldn't be more different, from very left to very right, very short of money to very well off, poor schooling to privately educated. Two of the siblings still see each other and get on but they are never all together anymore, even at their parents 50th anniversary they wouldn't do it.

Parents are in their own now as two kids abroad, and the others opposite ends of the country. She is poorly and my mum is looking after her.

Two of the children (all now in their forties) have had one child, one has had two, and one hasn't has any.

It's very sad I'm sure it doesn't happen often but it shows how 'outsiders' have more influence than family ties.

My husband and his sister get on, but she's more like a sister to me than him!

splishsplash

Alikay wrote: »

I agree with this up to a point but why have the op and his wife got to the stage of having a 5 year old and the wife being 40 before talking about it? Don't people usually discuss when/if/how many kids they want much earlier in the relationship? Has someone changed their mind, or not been up-front in their feelings about a family?

In a situation like this there is no compromise, and if both feel strongly I don't see much future for the marriage - there will inevitably be a huge amount of resentment whoever gets their own way.

I think people generally do sound out basic ideas around how big a family they would like before they get married, or have at least some discussion about it.

If someone has changed, then it's a big problem. There is no easy answer, that's why I say it may be a deal breaker. For something like the desire to have a child, it may be a case that 'The heart wants what it wants, or else it does not care' - if the OP's wife has her heart set on having another child, then that is what she may be driven to do, with or without the OP.

Yorkie1

I agree with the poster who said you need to talk this through.

Relate are not just for people who are breaking up - they can provide a safe environment for you both to explore this if you were both willing to go for couples counselling.

Alikay

Jagraf wrote: »

I think to say a marriage is over is harsh and extreme personally. Marriage is about more than babies.

I think this problem IS about more than babies: The op says "The wife desperately wants another child but I am happy to stick with one". If one person is "desperate" to do something and the other "is happy not to" then usually the "desperate" one will get their way, as the other partner wants to give them what makes them happy, whether that's babies, buying a house, giving up work to go travelling or pursuing some other life-changing dream. Factor in age (as with the child bearing) or some other once-in a-lifetime type parameters and it cuts out the "not now, but maybe in 10 years time" option.

I would never deny my husband something that he passionately wanted, unless my views were the polar opposite...in which case (unless there was compromise available) it would cause major problems which would involve enormous sacrifice by one party or relationship-wrecking levels of resentment.