When one spouse wants another child and the other doesn't

JesseBirdsall

Morning,
I'll keep this simple.

Married for 5 years, been together 15 in total. One son who is 5.

The wife desperately wants another child but I am happy to stick with one. She is 40 so the clock is ticking and I fear that if we don't have another one a lifetime of resentment will follow

We are in a good place financially, could afford another but our lifestyle is just right, another child would just go back to bottles, sleepless nights, frazzled wife and all that jazz

Trouble is that sex occurs when she wants to try for a baby and because I know that's the reason I have no inclination. I don't feel wanted for me just what I can do.

Do I just bite the bullet? Opinions please!

pinkshoes

Did you not discuss this before marriage? Or has one of you changed your mind since then?

At 40 it might not even happen...

You will get your now lifestyle back eventually.

Personally i am looking forward to sleepless again, as it is a small price to pay for the joy another child will bring. Nature is not being very kind though...

Talk it though with her, the pros and cons either way, and make sure you try and listen to each other.

Sounds like either way, one of you is going to end up resenting the other unless you have a very serious discussion.

Marisco

pinkshoes wrote: »

Did you not discuss this before marriage? Or has one of you changed your mind since then?

At 40 it might not even happen...

You will get your now lifestyle back eventually.

Personally i am looking forward to sleepless again, as it is a small price to pay for the joy another child will bring. Nature is not being very kind though...

Talk it though with her, the pros and cons either way, and make sure you try and listen to each other.

Sounds like either way, one of you is going to end up resenting the other unless you have a very serious discussion.

That could happen anyway, it depends on how entrenched each person is in their stance. I really don't know the answer to this one, I had two kids when I was young (19 & 24) and I was adamant that I didn't want any more, if my ex would have tried to pressure me, I'm afraid we'd have parted company, (far quicker than we did that is!! ) There is no way I'd have had another.

moneyistooshorttomention

I wish you luck on this. Very difficult when two partners have different opinions and I feel sorry for the one who "loses out", but one of you is going to not have what they want.

My personal view is that its the person who DOESNT want children/more children that should win and not the one who does. Its a Big Ask to have someone trying to make you have a child you don't want. Be careful she doesn't have an "accident (on purpose)".

peachyprice

Unless you both agree you don't bring another child into the world, you just don't. Anything else is totally selfish.

notanewuser

It's hard, isn't it. My husband us knew forever that I didn't know if I wanted children. After 7 years I left it to fate and we have a gorgeous daughter (now 4). I'm happy with that, but he'd keep going if I let him.

I remember struggling with the decision to or not to though. It wasn't as if it was something that could be compromised on anyway: one of us had to back down. Not a pleasant way to live sometimes.

In any case, I would not be agreeing to having any child to avoid "a lifetime of resentment".

Alikay

Speaking as an adult only child, I'd say the difference to your son between having a sibling and not could be massive and last his whole life. If it's just the baby and toddler stage you find difficult, could your improved financial situation help ease this such as paying for a cleaner, online grocery shopping etc?

gettingtheresometime

As there's no compromise solution to this I suppose the best you, as a couple can do is talk and try to understand each other's pov and then take it from there.

Why does she want another child? After all wanting a child is not like wanting another pair of shoes.Does she feel that by not having a sibling your child will miss out on something (she does realise that siblings don't always get on)

Is the reason why you want to stop at one because you now see some sort of normality returning and that you are able to do things without the trip becoming like a military operation ?

notanewuser

Alikay wrote: »

Speaking as an adult only child, I'd say the difference to your son between having a sibling and not could be massive and last his whole life. If it's just the baby and toddler stage you find difficult, could your improved financial situation help ease this such as paying for a cleaner, online grocery shopping etc?

Having a sibling could also have a negative impact on their existing child.

PuzzledDave

Having another child to please your partner is a terrible idea, odds are you will bitterly resent your partner and possibly even the child itself. Someone in my extended family is the result of just such a situation, it was ghastly for all concerned.

If sex is an issue - visit the GP and ask for the snip.

peachyprice

Alikay wrote: »

Speaking as an adult only child, I'd say the difference to your son between having a sibling and not could be massive and last his whole life.

Speaking as an adult with a sibling, I'd say my life, and my brother's for that matter, would have been better if we'd have been singletons. There was no brotherly/sisterly bond, none of the ideal you imagine of siblings always being there for each other. Nothing. We just happened to have the same parents.

The last time I spoke to him was in November, that was only to tell him that my Aunt had died, I doubt I'll speak to him again for years now.

He lives the other side of the world, I know when my aged parents are too old to care for themselves it will be on my shoulders, just like a singleton.

There are two sides to every coin, the ill-perceived ideal of sibling companionship is not a reason to bring an unwanted child into the world.