Etiquette after a first date?

trolleyrun

I do wonder if the women who are offended by a man being a gentleman (the opening of doors etc) would also be offended if said man offered to cook for them? I'm not saying it's a woman's "job" to cook - heaven forbid, but perhaps these women think the poor chap might think them incapable. I'm only slightly jesting.

onomatopoeia99

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I mean, God forbid I should open a door for her, or offer to buy her a drink, or ask if I can carry her bags for her; she would probably throw a frying pan at me!

It was me who sparked this so ...

If I am there first I will hold a door open for anyone following, rather than let it shut in their face.

If I am out socially I will offer to buy a drink for anyone I'm with if I'm going to the bar.

If I'm with someone and they are trying to carry so much stuff that they can't comfortably manage it, I will offer to assist.

Male or female, for any of those. I'm not chivalrous, I do try to not to be impolite though.

millysg1

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

It was me who sparked this so ...

If I am there first I will hold a door open for anyone following, rather than let it shut in their face.

If I am out socially I will offer to buy a drink for anyone I'm with if I'm going to the bar.

If I'm with someone and they are trying to carry so much stuff that they can't comfortably manage it, I will offer to assist.

Male or female, for any of those. I'm not chivalrous, I do try to not to be impolite though.

I agree with this.

Snakey

VestanPance wrote: »

I got called a 'misogynistic ba$tard' the other week for holding a door open for the "lady" behind me!

Did this really happen? I see variations on this theme so many times on the internet but I have never in my life witnessed it! What was the context?

I see people holding doors open for others all the time, in all possible combinations of male, female, old, young etc. It's just something that you do (and say thanks for) if you're polite/considerate and you don't do (or say thanks for) if you've been badly brought up or are just plain rude. In my experience, which clearly doesn't match everybody's by a long chalk, it's been many years since it was a thing that only men did, and only for women, and solely because he's a gentleman and she's a lady. Anyone assuming, here in 2015, that that's what was driving it is a fruitcake, unless you also happened to be leering at her chest or making a patronising/sexist remark at the same time which I'm sure you weren't.

As for the late-night text, I think if you have a genuine concern over whether they got home safely you shouldn't be leaving it until the next morning as that's a long time to spend being tortured in someone's cellar or lying in the park with a broken ankle. If it's nothing more than a piece of small talk designed to give you an excuse to get in touch, we're back to the "does this mean he is/isn't interested?" thing and it isn't rude, per se, if there is no such text. I suspect it falls under the large list of things which are cute/sweet/nice if you like the person and creepy/patronising/offensive if you don't.

red_devil

Why not phone them?

Angry_Bear

trolleyrun wrote: »

I do wonder if the women who are offended by a man being a gentleman (the opening of doors etc) would also be offended if said man offered to cook for them? I'm not saying it's a woman's "job" to cook - heaven forbid, but perhaps these women think the poor chap might think them incapable. I'm only slightly jesting.

No, because that's not the gender stereotype. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he was offended if I suggested I came round to his place and cooked him a nice dinner (unless we were doing meals around sort of deal).

Generally, if someone holds a door open for me, I assume it's becuase they are a decent person. However, if it becomes obvious that they think it's a gender thing (if they're rushing to get to a door before you, or buying a drink for me and never accepting one in return for example) then I'd feel uncomfortable around them because I would get the impression that they didn't consider me an equal. Just the way I'd feel.

General rule of thumb (in my opinion) would be, if you wouldn't do it for a male friend, you probably shouldn't do it for me (obvious relationship/sexual exceptions apply).

marisco_2

dragonette wrote: »

I find it condescending and patronising, as if I need to be checked up on when in fact I'm capable of getting myself home just fine thank you. In fact, I did it every day for years!

Its a pet hate of mine

Showing genuine concern for someone and politely asking if all was fine at the end of their evening, after having enjoyed their company is neither condescending or patronising. It is a sign of really good manners.

fivetide

marisco wrote: »

Showing genuine concern for someone and politely asking if all was fine at the end of their evening, after having enjoyed their company is neither condescending or patronising. It is a sign of really good manners.

Get home ok?

poorlittlefish

Little does Monday's date realise how much debate has been stirred up over a text!

Worry_Wart

So when you go out with a gaggle of female friends, do you text each and every one of them to see if they got home okay? I never do. I assume they got home okay like they assume I did. Ditto my male friends. Is that bad manners?

Maybe it's just the done thing for some groups of people,and not for others. If I went around to someone's house and they made me dinner, I'd text when I got home to say thanks. But otherwise I'd never text anyone after a night out.