do i have to pay for childcare?

duchy

FBaby wrote: »

Sounds like this child has two parents who can't wait to get rid of her to get on with their lives without her. It's quite something when parents start arguing over NOT having their kids rather than the other way around.

I'm not sure that is the case.

The OP appears to want to see the child and expects everyone else to drop everything to facilitate that as he chooses to work in a job that expects him to have no responsibilities or commitments outside of work.

The other parent works too and has childcare organized around her own working hours . You along with the OP seem to have an expectation that the other parent should not only be the primary carer but also be on call at all other times to provide instant cover for the other parent. Most PWC accept that once in a while a NRP can't make an access day or weekend but this isn't a one off incident but a regular occurrence.

As a responsible parent the OP needs to try to understand that he is no longer with the mother and it is his own personal responsibility (not his ex's or her Mum) to take steps to ensure he can make the agreed times for his daughter . Yes he already had the job when his child was born - but his circumstances have now changed - and he needs to make adjustments - If that means finding a job that enables him to carry out his other responsibilities in life as well - then that is part of being a parent. I went from a cushy , well paid office job with great perks to a part time minimum wage job to ensure my son's welfare came first and he was always taken to and collected from school when my marriage broke up. It wasn't ideal but his needs came above my wants. It's what parents do.

If the job is so wonderful or you really couldn't find any other employment then you don't have any choice but to sit down with the Mum and work out some compromise ........ however it's probably worth remembering your child is only a child for a short time and you (and she) are missing out on time together - and no-one ever said on their deathbed "I wish I had spent more time at work" but plenty wish they had spent more time with their kids.

themull1

[QUOTe


Can't your Girlfriend look after your daughter while you work?[/QUOTE]


Why should she? ......

themull1

FBaby wrote: »

I had the same issue with my ex mainly during school holidays. He always liked to make a point about his right of seeing his kids regularly (weekly rather than every other week-end) but when it came to his part with responsibilities over the holidays, that became my sole responsibility. I worked full-time, was not entitled to tax credits (even towards childcare) and got no maintenance from him, so it did mean a lot to me to try to avoid using holiday clubs.

It was the same thing every summer though. I would email in advance and asked when he was planning on having them, giving him dates when I could take time off, or when other family members could. Each time, I had to email at last 4 times and then start to raise my temper for him to get back to me (as couldn't book anything until I heard back from him), and every time, it came back with the very few days he could have them, usually a total of 4 or 5 days over the whole 6 weeks. Each time the email ended with 'sorry can't offer more'.

It's amazing how he could shift from the father with responsibilities and therefore rights to a babysitter who was giving me a favour by helping me with childcare because it wasn't his problem when it suited him.

I get the feeling that this is very much how OP operates too, the 'it's not my fault so therefore not my problem' attitude.

Why didn't you go through the CSA for maintenance?

gayleygoo

OP I can understand your point that you enjoy your job, even if it doesn't pay well. I know some people who happily work for minimum wage, but only because it's a decent job with other benefits like flexibility etc. It may not be easy for you to get another job, better paid and with better hours, but if there is a problem with your working hours, could it hurt to look?

Only other way really is to sort it out with either your ex or your boss.

With regards to your ex: if she often drops off the child with you "at the drop of a hat" then I'd say its probably fair on her for you to do the same thing. However, it's not fair on your daughter, who really does need stability and a routine rather than being shovelled about from one house to another.

Is your boss entirely unreasonable with regards to letting you know your working hours a week or more in advance? Is it really impossible for you to decline overtime at the weekends you know you'll have your daughter, since those are the most difficult/expensive days to get childcare? I don't think there would be much availability of "emergency" childcare at weekends either, besides family or friends who'd be willing to help out at short notice

It might help us provide you with more helpful answers, if you have any idea what you want the end result to be. At the minute it sounds like you want your erratic work pattern to take precedence over the lives of your daughter and ex, but I don't think anyone on here will provide you with justification for that. I don't doubt that you love your daughter very much, and want to be with her, but only by talking with those involved can you come to a solution.

duchy

Sounds like the ex may be feeling the OP is putting his job before their daughter ........it probably isn't that clear cut but it would explain why she's angry.

FBaby

themull1 wrote: »

Why didn't you go through the CSA for maintenance?

Mainly because he doesn't know how to budget his finances properly, has significant debts and is always running out of money, borrowing from one to pay the other, and with the stories I have heard about csa, he wouldn't cope with the demands of regular payments. When he is stressed, he becomes a grumpy unpleasant person who takes his frustrations out on other people (usually those who deserve it the least) and I don't want my kids to face this. If I were to go to the csa, I probably would end up with nasty emails, nasty things said to the kids about me, and I can totally imagine him saying that he can't afford to feed his new child because of it which would make my kids feel terribly guilty. I don't want to enter a battle of having to counteract everything he says to them. I am lucky to be able to provide for my kids without the extra money, so it is more a matter of principles and that something that he is accountable to his children not to me.

The OP appears to want to see the child and expects everyone else to drop everything to facilitate that as he chooses to work in a job that expects him to have no responsibilities or commitments outside of work.

I think my personal circumstances are probably clouding my judgement, but OP does remind me very much of my ex. I got the exact same agressive responses each time I tried to show my side of things. My ex used to tell me he couldn't have the kids at the last minute because he had to go to work, then one day I discovered that he'd gone on a week-end away with his girlfriend so yes, I'm making assumptions.

Jagraf

themull1 wrote: »

[QUOTe


Can't your Girlfriend look after your daughter while you work?

Why should she? ......[/QUOTE]

She shouldn't have to, but its more realistic to ask her to help him out than people who don't need to support hi at all - his ex, his exs mum, his neighbours budgie etc

Jagraf

themull1 wrote: »

Why didn't you go through the CSA for maintenance?

What does this have to do with maintenance?

Jagraf

Marisco wrote: »

Maybe because of the bolded bits above? People will help, but not if she behaves like that with them, so she's cutting off her nose to spite her face. She could be desperate for help one day but won't get it because of past behaviour.

The way I understood this is that the girlfriend was helping him out? And his parents were helping him out too? That's not her bridge she's burning. She has her own bridges in her own family.

Maybe there's an issue with her not getting on with certain members of his family, but his family certainly aren't supporting her, they are supporting him.

Marisco

themull1 wrote: »

[QUOTe


Can't your Girlfriend look after your daughter while you work?

Why should she? ......[/QUOTE]

Well that's the wrong attitude as well isn't it? If someone hooks up with someone with kids, (providing it's serious and not just a series of "aunts and uncles") then you have to be prepared to take on the kids as well (assuming the ex lets you that is!!) I'm afraid I don't subscribe to the majority view on the thread about his job though.

If you have a job you like, is permanent and secure and enjoy doing it, then to me it's sensible in the current climate to hang on to it. Yes it might "interfere" with family life, but as they say "that's life"! My ex had a job where he was on call, I've seen us load the kids in the car (for a day out) he's had a call out and had to go, leaving us to scrabble out the car as he needed it to get to work, standing on the kerb with all the kid paraphernalia and the kids whinging cos they wouldn't get a day out!

This would also have been the scenario if we were separated, there is no way he couldn't have gone if he was called. It was a good job with good prospects, pension etc, so there was no way he'd have given it up, and TBH I wouldn't have expected him to either.