Feel a bit caught in the middle - wife and parents

newparent77

Hi all,

It's been a few months now since I posted this, and I just wanted to come back and update.

Firstly, it seems like my wife may have post-natal depression. IT hasn't been diagnosed yet, and she has an appointment to see the GP on Thursday, but she decided to go after realising she has some of the symptoms - mainly always feeling tired, mood swings, feelings of anxiety and occassional 'dark thoughts' or feelings of helplessness.

This doesn't affect her all the time, but enough that she has recognised she should speak to someone about it. I will be going with her to the doctors and her mum will watch the baby.

In terms of her relationship with my parents, it hasn't really improved. They have looked after the baby for a full day when my wife went to work for the day, but she was worried for days before hand that they would harm him in some way. During that day, she text my mum to see how it was going and my mum didn't see the message so didn't reply. This really worried my wife and she was only happy when I managed to speak to mum and check all was OK.

The upshot is that my wife is only comfortable if the baby is with her (or me) or her parents. I'm not sure if this will get better if PND is diagnosed and treated, or if it will always be one of those difficult parent-in-law relationships.

Again, no real question or purpose to this post, more just an update on the original information.

Mojisola

newparent77 wrote: »

Firstly, it seems like my wife may have post-natal depression. IT hasn't been diagnosed yet, and she has an appointment to see the GP on Thursday, but she decided to go after realising she has some of the symptoms - mainly always feeling tired, mood swings, feelings of anxiety and occassional 'dark thoughts' or feelings of helplessness.

In terms of her relationship with my parents, it hasn't really improved. They have looked after the baby for a full day when my wife went to work for the day, but she was worried for days before hand that they would harm him in some way.

I'm not sure if this will get better if PND is diagnosed and treated, or if it will always be one of those difficult parent-in-law relationships.

Thanks for the update.

I think your wife's worries will settle once she gets some help. She must know herself that thinking that your parents would harm your baby isn't a rational idea. As her general anxiety levels drop, she should stop thinking like this.

She may never have a wonderful relationship with your parents but there's plenty of scope for it to be better than it is now.

123louisa

I hope she feels better soon.

That said, if I had left my Baby with someone who hadn't really looked after them before, and I contacted them and didn't get a reply I would start to panic and the worry would build and get worse and worse, I would have been in a right state!

I had PND and serious anxiety when I had my first two children. Everything seems like a big deal and you only feel "in control" when the baby is with you, it goes along the lines of "what if he cries, what if they don't know his sad cry, what if they don't know his hungry cry etc etc" Seems like nothing to the rational brain but Its hard on the mum seriously seriously hard.

I would have a quiet word with your Mum, and just say "Just for the moment could you reply to texts or messages quickly, keep your phone on you, We are quite stressed about leaving X and it makes US feel better to know hes OK"

Support is the key, even if she is being completely irrational ( mine was someone was going to climb in the window, any window and take him) tell her its ok and work around it ( hubby checked all the windows were shut just to put my mind at rest)

Sorry for the waffle! You cant explain all the jumbled thoughts you have in a post baby, depressed brain. They dont make any sense at all!

jackyann

Although difficult, I'm glad your wife is getting help.
It's unclear as to whether she is actually back at work, or attempting a return.
Obviously individual circumstances vary, but if she is able to stay off for awhile, whilst treatment and an understanding of how to manage her condition gets established, then I think you will find that the childcare will all feel a lot easier.

If I remember from your earlier posts, the relationship between your wife & parents was never an easy one. It may be that they simply have to take a back seat whilst she gets better.
Think of it like this: if you were recovering from a broken leg, you would start walking again over an even path, not a rocky one. Someone telling you that you might as well walk over the rocky one NOW because you're going to have to eventually is not helpful!
I am sure it is painful for you to see your parents being viewed as part of the problem, not the solution, but as so many posters here have eloquently expressed, that is so often part of a mental illness.

I really do hope that your parents can be grown up about it and take the long view.

Good luck

LannieDuck

Your OH just needs a bit of latitude at the moment. She knows she's being a bit irrational, but that doesn't mean she can ignore the panic or the worry. It'll get better in time, but until it does, I hope your parents might give her a bit of leeway.

FWIW I've left my children with my parents and would also be worried if I sent a msg asking how they were and didn't get a reply.

gettingtheresometime

LannieDuck wrote: »

FWIW I've left my children with my parents and would also be worried if I sent a msg asking how they were and didn't get a reply.

I know its horses for courses but I do wonder how the human race managed before texting was invented.

LannieDuck

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I know its horses for courses but I do wonder how the human race managed before texting was invented.

I think the ease of communication makes the worry worse than if texting weren't possible - e.g. if I knew in advance that I wouldn't be able to hear how LO was until the evening, it would be ok!