Feel a bit caught in the middle - wife and parents

sophieschoice

I can't get over the fact that OP's parents haven't been allowed to take the baby out for a walk in his pram yet!

ognum

My friend the mother of three boys and the grandmother of a few grandchildren adopts the theory of 'the second class granny'

The second class granny is the paternal grandmother, she treads carefully with her daughter in law, offers comments and advice only when asked. KEeps her own counsel, is available when asked to help but doesn't push to be involved otherwise she suffers the wrather of her son and his wife.

Of course this doesn't apply to everyone but it is an understood concept in some families.

The first class granny on the other hand (the maternal grandmother) can give advice, comment, pop in, make her daughter rest while she looks after the offspring and generally do no wrong!!!

bossymoo

Aww I remember feeling that pressure when our first was born. Everyone had advice, but somehow I could tell my mum "yes and those were the good old days before antibiotics and people died of chest infections" and she would shut up and out the kettle on

You do feel under constant scrutiny as a new mum, just at the time you are trying to get to know this little person in your life. And tiredness! Well it doesn't help the perceived criticism just flow over you, you see?

My eldest had his first sleepover with the inlaws at 7mths old. I felt pressured into it. What was the point? He slept for 12hrs by then, they were hardly gonna have a midnight feast with him. I didn't understand why is was so important. Why not just an afternoon out somewhere? My mum knew better than to ask. But I was trying to keep the peace with my husband and didn't want him to feel they were being pushed out.

But you know, time moves on and things change. I actually lost my DH to cancer when our second child was a year old, which totally changed the dynamics between me and the inlaws. I realised it was just about the love they felt for their son, his son and daughter, and realised they loved me too.
3 years on, and they are like parents to me, I promised DH they wouldn't be excluded, and they are not. We see them at least twice a week, MIL comes on holidays with us, they help out with school holidays when I'm working etc etc.

I'm sure nothing as drastic will happen to your family, but in time your wife will realise that it is about family, not about how good a mum she is, and she will feel less defensive.

Or, have a second child in quick succession like I did and be crying out for someone to take the baby or toddler just so you can have a pee / bath in peace and drink a brew while it's still hot!

themull1

So your wife doesn't want your parents to have anything to do with her child until she goes back to work, then she'll happily take the free childcare? you really need to grow a pair and stop mollycoddling your wife.

fairy_lights

If your wife is taking the baby to visit the grandparents during the day when you're at work then I don't find it at all surprising that she's visiting her own parents more than yours. If it was the other way around, would you really want to see your in-laws every day?
Maybe she just feels more comfortable spending time with her own parents that with yours, who there is already friction with.
And surely seeing the baby once a week should be enough for any of them? If she visited both sets of parents every day it would be exhausting.

Kynthia

themull1 wrote: »

So your wife doesn't want your parents to have anything to do with her child until she goes back to work, then she'll happily take the free childcare? you really need to grow a pair and stop mollycoddling your wife.

Where on earth do you get this from??? From what I've read the OP's wife has had the in-laws visit most weeks since the birth and often takes the baby to visit them by herself during the week.


OP, it's only been 3 months so your wife if still finding her feet and trying to get into a routine with her life away from work and as a mother. It's good you've talked to your parents and got them to stop making 'suggestions' but I think it would be really good if you could ask them to make nice comments about things your wife is doing well or that they are impressed with so that she knows they think she's a good mum. Also it would be good if you could all make plans as to when you parents will next see your child as I too would find constant texts asking to see my baby as pressure. When you're struggling to find time to eat a hot meal or have a shower it doesn't take much to stress you or feel like another task to complete, but by having already arranged a date you've solved this problem.


Then you should have a calm chat with your wife when she's not too tired, about to go to sleep or needing to do something imminently. Say that you think she's doing brilliantly but that you were surprised about how upset she was before when your parents left. Ask if she's alright and is there anything that you don't know about that's upset her. Then talk about how you want your parents to have lots of contact with your child but you want to do it in a way that doesn't cause her upset or extra pressure and ask her to help you come up with a solution. Then say that you'd be happy to take your child to your parents alone occasionally as then they could relax and chat to you plus see there grandchild, and she can have some baby free time as you know it's not easy being at home all day. You may find she's happy with this and may even tell you that she was just having a bad day when she cried, or she may tell you things you didn't know where said or will need reminding that her parents see their grandchild loads which is great but your parents just want to see him too.


It's only been 3 months and things will change every month. It's very early days and I only just started to go to classes around this point, such as baby massage and baby sensory (as other classes were more aimed at 6 month plus babies). Maybe suggest inviting your parents to lunch out, a trip to the park, or the farm (once the baby is older) as ways of enjoying family time together as well with your parents, as this may be a more relaxed and less intense way of spending time together.

DigForVictory

Massive flashbacks to first baby bewilderment.
This is actually both normal & relatively mild. Mother & child have been one person for months, now actually not having the little 'un on board? Both liberating & feeling really weird.

It's possible granny knows more about travel systems than mum. Which does nothing for mum, so granny needs to reveal her wisdom carefully.

Hang on in there, adore your child together, try to stay on good terms with all grandparents & reassure everyone that things will change as you all get a bit older & more experienced at this!

Enjoy the ride!

LawGraduate22

I had to check with my brother that it wasn't him writing this post at first as this exact scenario is ongoing in our family with our parents and his wife at the moment! Bit awkward for me to watch from an outside new Auntie's perspective - I can see it from my parents point of view who are simply so excited to have a first grandchild and wish to take their granddaughter out for walks etc, but can also see it from my SIL's (who I get on with really well) side who is obviously still finding her feet as a first-time mum.

The advice I've given my brother who feels stuck in the middle and doesn't want to upset anyone (as you've also made it clear you dont) is that his wife needs to come first at the moment. At the end of the day she is the one he (and you with your wife) is spending his life with and she is the one who has brought his beautiful daughter into the world - although I'm yet to have children myself I can say that it can't be the easiest of times the first few months so the last thing I'd want in that situation is my husband not on my side 100%. Having said that, there is a fine line between backing your wife up and letting her be completely irrational. For example, my mum offered to get my niece dressed one morning while my SIL was having her breakfast only to be greeted with a stern no because it was the first time she had worn that outfit so she needed to be the one to put it on her (!!). Sitting there witnessing that I did have to bite my tounge! So my brother is doing his best at the moment to judge each situation as it arises with a general lean towards his wife being agreed with 99% of the time. Could this be something you could do? Then veer off this general idea if/when needs must?

Whatever you do I hope it works out well for you all, and congratulations on becoming a Dad! Having had the last few months to develop my Auntie skills (to a certain extent only as I'm sure you can probably tell from my post) I can't wait for myself and my H2B to start our own family in the next couple of years! Best of luck to you x

Seanymph

I remember this well!

My ex's mum and sister came to visit when he was at work - I took the baby off to change and feed her and they crept up and 'spied' on me and laughed at me talking to her from the doorway.

My MIL didn't see her grandchild for over a year.

They weren't malicious, and to be honest she started weekend caring when I was in a pickle and ended up living with me for about four years, the ex and I split 17 years ago and I last spoke to her yesterday, and him sometime in 2014!

What my ex SHOULD have done is let me feel in control. He forced the visit on me, didn't come back from work, and I was already feeling vulnerable having to provide lunch to these people when I still wanted to be in pj's and enjoying my baby. (She was three days old). As a new mum I was struggling.

Let your wife walk her path. Tell your parents she is a little unsure right now, and needs to be supported rather than have suggestions. And let her work through how she feels.

She'll loosen the reins - but as a new mum that feeling of responsibility is overwhelming, and scary.

And you sound awesome!

MrsSippi

Having read what you have posted OP, I wonder if possiblyyour wife feels similarly to how I did when our daughter was born a few yearsago. I would say that I have always hada good relationship with my in-laws (who are separated) but prior to ourdaughter being born I didn’t see much of them (just due to being busy – on bothsides etc) and they didn’t take a hugeamount of interest when I was pregnant (not that I was bothered but after the obligatorycongratulations etc they didn’t really ask after me/the baby etc – I don’t meanto sound bitter, because I wasn’t but it’s just how it was.) This also applied to my (separated)parents. So there wasn’t that excitementfrom any of our parents, but once our daughter was born I was constantly havingthe in laws ask to have her, see her etc etc. I struggled with this a bit (I didn’t have PND but was obviously veryhormonal) and I did feel like “so you never bother to see us usually but nowthe baby’s here you can’t wait to come around”. This may seem unreasonable on my part but that’s how I felt at the time,however I accommodated this where I could. I was also annoyed I think because I had ac-section so when I came home from hospital and husband had returned to work Ifound it difficult to load the washing machine, run the hoover around etc andif I ever asked them to do anything like this (nothing more major than that) tohelp me out they didn’t want to but they did want to wake the baby (who wasoften asleep) for a cuddle but would then leave when they couldn’t settle her,leaving me with a crying baby.

Because she was premature and born in the middle of winter,my health visitor also advised keeping her indoors for a while (until shereached her due date) but my in-laws didn’t like the fact that they couldn’ttake her out for walks, even though I explained it would only be for a coupleof weeks. By contrast, my parents nevercame to visit, which I also found hard to deal with.

We are now expecting number 2 and even now I struggle withmyself a bit if in laws (sporadically) ask to have our daughter for a bit. On the one hand it would be nice to have abreak (though daughter is a dream to look after) on the other I want to makethe most of my time with her before lo arrives. I know that this may seem unfair of me but it’s how I feel and maybethere is a touch of this with your wife – on the one hand she may want a breakeventually but on the other she may feel that your parents are only interested inyour son.

As others have said I think you just need to ride itout. Listen to your wife (and parents) buttry and remain as impartial as possible. Chances are eventually she will ask your parents for more help whenthings have settled down but for now she could be struggling with mixed emotions.