Feel a bit caught in the middle - wife and parents

newparent77

Thanks everyone for your input, all comments gratefully read!

It seems like this is a common thing, as I could guess it would have been. I do totally understand why as a new mum you would be defensive and feel more comfortable with your own parents.

My wife has always had more contact with her parents than I have with mine. She probably would speak to them daily before whereas I would speak to mine once a week, so I think she feels like my parents now only want to see us more because of the baby. She's probably right (as I said, it's their first grandchild) and I think that rubs her up the wrong way too. I understand why it does, but I also understand why my parents now have this extra incentive to see us.

Anyway, the key theme coming out here is communication! Thanks again for all comments and I do know how lucky we are to have such a good support network around us.

Mojisola

newparent77 wrote: »

My wife has always had more contact with her parents than I have with mine. She probably would speak to them daily before whereas I would speak to mine once a week, so I think she feels like my parents now only want to see us more because of the baby. She's probably right (as I said, it's their first grandchild) and I think that rubs her up the wrong way too.

And if they didn't want to see the baby more often, she could be equally upset with them!

I hope, for your parents' sake, that she can loosen up. It's a horrible thought that your parents won't be just as much part of your child's life as his/her mother's parents will be.

newparent77

Mojisola wrote: »

I hope, for your parents' sake, that she can loosen up. It's a horrible thought that your parents won't be just as much part of your child's life as his/her mother's parents will be.

To be fair, I don't think it will come to that. I think when my wife goes back to work part time, her parents will look after the baby two days a week and mine will look after him two days a week (we know how generous an offer this is!) so it should even itself out more in the future.

Thanks for the support though, it is nice to know that I'm not being totally unreasonable at the times I do let this bother me.

Bennifred

I hope my sons are as thoughtful as you are when they have children! :A

Lots of my friends are currently having grandchildren, and it is fascinating to see the family dynamics evolve. It does seem that the maternal grandparents are more involved than the paternal grandparents, which is understandable, but sad for the paternal side (times three in our case!)

pickledonionspaceraider

newparent77 wrote: »

T when my wife goes back to work part time, her parents will look after the baby two days a week and mine will look after him two days a week (we know how generous an offer this is!) so it should even itself out more in the future.

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I think based on the above, it would be a great idea to get your parents spending plenty of time with him now - so they are comfortable around him and vice versa - and then when your wife returns to work it won't appear that you only want them to help out when it suits yourselves.

Maybe your wife feels like she is under the microscope with regards to parenting suggestions from in laws, and I can imagine how exasperating that is

barbiedoll

OP, I think you're right to sort this out now, you sound lovely and you're obviously very sensitive to your wife's needs at the moment, you also get top marks from me for recognising that you have the easier time now that you're back at work!

I work with new parents and I can tell you that the most annoying thing for new mums is the unwanted (and often outdated) advice, both from their own parents and their in-laws, friends, neighbours etc etc. New parents have information coming out of their ears, they get midwives, health visitors, parenting classes, magazines and the internet, all offering advice. When grandparents come into the mix, saying things like "When I had mine, we used to do (insert horrifying anecdote about gin in feeding bottle etc, etc here) and it didn't do our kids any harm", you can see why new mums just go nuts!

You're doing the right thing, treading carefully and considering everyone's feelings in this. As another poster said, your parents need to start getting to know their grandson if they're going to be caring for him soon but there is plenty of time for that, your wife will ease up a little soon.

Good luck with the new baby!

restless6

I think your wife is being unfair by not allowing your babys grandparents more time.
If she doesnt want to take baby over at the weekend then maybe you should and giver her some time to herself.

She will need to toughen up a bit regarding comments and advice because this is one of the joys of parenthood- everyone has an opinion and advice on how to do stuff- whether you like it or not.
Having a baby does not have to be such a drastic life changing event as some make it out to be, yes things in your life will change of course, but just go with the flow, there is no need to over-think everything.

pollypenny

I can understand your parents being desperate to see their grandchild, whom I assume is the only one.

As they will be looking after him/her for two days a week they have made a big commitment, so surely they can be trusted to take him for walks now and again.

When we went to the USA to look after grandson for two months, DIL cried to me and admitted that she had been jealous of her mum who did the first stint looking after baby.

She managed to forget that and we did have a few hiccups!

Remember, grandparents are family too.

LannieDuck

It can be difficult to treat parents and in-laws the same, even when you're past the hormonal stage of pregnancy and you know full well that they're all lovely, competent people.

DD1 is 3 now and has stayed by herself for days at a time with my parents. The most we've done with the in-laws is let them take DD1 out to the park by themselves when we visit. It hasn't been out of malice or a lack of trust - they live further away so it makes sense to visit as a whole family, and my OH is a bit less proactive at arranging visits than I am with my family.

However, just this last week he's decided it would be a nice idea to take DD1 down to visit them on the train, let her stay for a bit by herself and then go collect her. Even tho I know she'll be fine with them, I'm still nervous about it. I think it's natural - I've known my parents all my life, and I know I can trust them to look after kids. I've known my in-laws for much less time and have never seen them raising children.

But I'll get over it and let DD1 go visit, because I know my feelings are unjustified. I'm sure your OH will get there too

When it comes to babysitting during work hours, the offer of two days each from parents and inlaws is amazing! And LO will have a lovely relationship with both sets of grandparents

Pearlstar

I changed my view of this once I found out your wife is happy for your parents to provide childcare, surely in this case it is better for your child to be as bonded to both sets of grandparents.