Feel a bit caught in the middle - wife and parents

newparent77

I’ve registered with another account as I would prefer to keep this vent anonymous/not associated with my usual username! Sorry if this is long.

My wife and I have a baby son, who is nearly three months old. All is going great, he’s happy and healthy and even sleeping pretty well, so no complaints there. The issues come between my wife and my parents.

Basically, my wife feels that my parents are always making comments or observations that are unneeded or hurtful. Sometime, in the early days, my mum would offer advice (as mum’s do!) and we’d either accept it or explain why we were dismissing it. I think my mum, and dad I guess, can sometimes be a little blunt in the way they deliver things but I genuinely don’t think they would ever be hurtful or malicious, they have their quirks like parents do.

So I totally understand how when someone else’s parents are suggesting you do things with your own child, it can grate. However, my mum once suggested perhaps they could one day take the baby out in the pram to give my wife a rest. We were non-committal (we’ll see how we get on etc) and went home, where my wife told me she was sick of them asking that (it was perhaps the second time they’d offered) and that she didn’t want them to.

She burst into tears and told me I should be backing her up on things like that. I genuinely didn’t know she felt like that until that moment about something I saw as pretty innocent and actually a nice offer. I think she saw it as them implying she couldn’t cope.

The upshot is that while I’m at work, and my wife is home, her parents see the baby daily, whereas my parents see him perhaps once a week. They text me or my wife asking how we are doing, and asking if they can see the baby soon, and my wife feels pressured by that. I don’t want her to feel pressured, but I also feel bad at the disparity between the amounts the grandparents see the baby (although I know it isn’t a competition).

An alternative would be me taking the baby to see my parents at weekend, but then that eats into our time together as a family and isn’t seen as an ideal solution. They haven’t said anything like they feel they aren’t seeing the baby enough, but obviously I know they’d like to see him more.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here, I think it is just more of a vent. I totally understand how annoying my parents can be, and how annoying parents-in-law can be anyway, especially with all the emotion of a newborn. I just worry that I’m doing a bad job here of keeping my wife happy and my parents happy!

Jagraf

I suffered badly from post natal depression. I thought I was a bad mum and every bit of advice I tried to take on board. the biggest issue i remember was that I bottle fed and was constantly told I should be breast feeding, but advice comes in all shapes and forms and rarely is it objective, but just a recap of how that parent would do it, from feeding to sleeping to nappies to child care to clothing to heating to bathing!

I eventually realised that any help I could get, from both sets of parents, was a godsend. By the time DD was 4 months old she was spending one night a week at one set or the other grandparents. I trusted all of them implicitly so I didn't have to worry. Before 4 months, I worried constantly even of I had a shower and left DD sleeping!!

You and our wife's lives have completely changed. Both sets of grandparents are really only trying to help, along with the excitement, but they have to realise how hard it is. They love their grandchild so much that it hurts and they will be so proud.

As for you, I would just keep loving her and do put her first. You could explain in a nice way to your folks that you will certainly like to ask for help when needed, but for the time being let you and our wife do it your way.

It will pass. And it sounds like you have some great support. X

misspickle_2

Ahhhh new parent this is so common!!!
It will pass. Your wife is bound to be like this in the early days.
It will pass. I promise you.
When little one is two she will probably be begging them to babysit lol.
I really wouldn't stress too much about it.
I went through exactly the same.
I'm not with the dad now and my daughter is 15 yrs old now but I get on great with her nan. We are still good friends and we look back and laugh at it all now.

millysg1

I think you personally need to sit down with your parents and explain that their comments feel like they are constantly interfering and is causing issues. Ask them to not comment any longer. Hopefully, if they do that, you parents will grate slightly less on your wife and she will enjoy seeing them more. With time she may be more open to seeing them more often in the week.

My in laws are absolutely lovely people but that sweet loveliness actually grates on me and I get very irritated by them and wish, that sometimes, I could tell them to B*gg*r off, stop fussing and give me some space. But then I feel bad as they are usually only trying to be helpful and would hate the thought of upsetting me.

It is weird as I have no problem if my mum randomly pops by but I get stressed when every weekend my In laws ask to pop in and I stress clean the house and feel like I cant do any of the things I originally planned to do. If it was my parents i'd be fine about it. Not sure why that is, maybe im just so much more at ease with my parents and I know I can tell them to get lost if they annoy me or go too far.

newparent77

Thanks all, those comments really make sense! I am sure this will all pass eventually!

I think it's got to a point a bit where no matter what my parents say, my wife will pick up on something and take offence. I sometimes get cross and think 'how on earth can you take that personally?' but then I feel bad because I would probably do the same in her position!

I totally understand how much easier things are with your own parents, so I can't blame her for wanting to see her's everyday, and she does take the baby round to see my parents on her own even though they annoy her, which is really good of her.

Who said this parent lark was easy!

misspickle_2

I caught my dds nan (ex,s mum) encouraging my daughter to call her mummy when she had just started talking :eek:
Seriously! Lol I hit the roof.
I was working at the time and she used to be her childminder.
Not after that day she wasn't though!!!
I made alternative arrangements straight away.
We talked it through though and became the best of friends in the end :T
Its all about sensible communication and supporting each other.
I think your wife and mum need a good long chat and everyone needs to calmly put their cards on the table and negotiate boundaries.
Your wife would be a lot happier for it.
They need to understand each other.
Knock it on the head and get them together.

j.e.j.

millysg1 wrote: »

I think you personally need to sit down with your parents and explain that their comments feel like they are constantly interfering and is causing issues. Ask them to not comment any longer. Hopefully, if they do that, you parents will grate slightly less on your wife and she will enjoy seeing them more. With time she may be more open to seeing them more often in the week.

Yes I'd agree with this.

Your poor wife's got enough on her plate without feeling undermined or pressured by the in-laws. Her own mum, I presume, is more understanding and supportive.

My mum wouldn't dream of telling her children how to bring up her grandchildren!

The best thing would be to tell your parents nicely that your wife needs a bit of space right now.

newparent77

j.e.j. wrote: »

Yes I'd agree with this.

Your poor wife's got enough on her plate without feeling undermined or pressured by the in-laws. Her own mum, I presume, is more understanding and supportive.

My mum wouldn't dream of telling her children how to bring up her grandchildren!

The best thing would be to tell your parents nicely that your wife needs a bit of space right now.

I think you are both right. And I guess with her own mum, even if she does the same thing it's easier to tell your own mum to butt out! So I guess that's where I step in (telling my mum to butt out if she's coming on too strong!)

tyllwyd

So your wife takes the baby to see her parents every weekday and to see your parents once a week? Your family is very different to mine because both sets of grandparents live several hours drive away, but to be honest I would say that if your parents see the baby regularly every week that doesn't sound anything to complain about and I would certainly resent being told that I should visit more often than that. I do think that if you want them to see the baby more, you should take him round yourself at the weekend, even if it does take up some of your family time.

newparent77

tyllwyd wrote: »

So your wife takes the baby to see her parents every weekday and to see your parents once a week? Your family is very different to mine because both sets of grandparents live several hours drive away, but to be honest I would say that if your parents see the baby regularly every week that doesn't sound anything to complain about and I would certainly resent being told that I should visit more often than that. I do think that if you want them to see the baby more, you should take him round yourself at the weekend, even if it does take up some of your family time.

That's fair comment and yes, to clarify, both sets of parents live about a mile or two away from us so it is easy to see them.

duchy

Your son is only three months old - your wife is still finding her way of doing things and feeling genuinely confident. She is probably also not yet getting out and about much -and possibly hasn't yet got a group of "other Mum" friends for support (and also to moan to and get a bit of balance ). If she worked before her life has changed drastically and it doesn't matter how much you love your baby or how confident you were before -it can be pretty daunting.

If your parents are quite forthright people themselves you can probably say to them that she's still finding her feet and best to back off on advice or offers unless she asks first

If there's definitely no PND in the mix then time and confidence will solve most of this - although you may find she turns more naturally to her Mum rather than yours anyway just because of their bond.