Feel a bit caught in the middle - wife and parents

bouicca21

tbh it sounds as though you need to speak to both of them - explain to your parents that she is sensitive to remarks and feels criticised (would be interesting to know if she felt they were critical of her before the baby was born) and explain to your wife that they are trying to be helpful and love the baby to bits.

My mil babysat for me once a week. It was wonderful. But then she'd always wanted a daughter and had only sons, so a daughter in law was great to have and even better was a grand-daughter, so no way did I see it as a criticism, I saw it as a partnership ...

misspickle_2

philphil1 wrote: »

This thread really reminded me of my situation.

My wife did have PND at the time too which was very hard on her and everyone else around.

My situation came to a head in an argument between my wife and my mother, which resulted in them not talking for over a year. I felt very stuck in the middle, obviously wanting to support my wife, but also not wanting to stop seeing my family or stop the children seeing them.

Almost 3 years on and things still aren't brilliant, although they do talk and see each other but its hardly a happy relationship between them.

Don't mean to make it all about my story though.

I'd just say watch carefully for signs of PND, and don't cut anyone out of your life - you will regret it in the future. Definitely talk to your parents and be open and honest with them about the situation.
I think if these things are just left without being sorted out (the easy option at the time - which I took), they get a lot worse.

Good luck

Awwww Phil. That's a shame. Sounds like there is still a lot of hurt and unsaid stuff floating about.
I didn't have that problem because I'm so god damn infuriatingly direct
My directness is the bane of my life. Can't seem to help myself though. I am what I am.
Its impossible for me to bottle things. I do try to be kind and patient and thoughtful with it though. For what good it does me lol.
I hope your situation improves.

Jagraf

misspickle wrote: »

Awwww Phil. That's a shame. Sounds like there is still a lot of hurt and unsaid stuff floating about.
I didn't have that problem because I'm so god damn infuriatingly direct
My directness is the bane of my life. Can't seem to help myself though. I am what I am.
Its impossible for me to bottle things. I do try to be kind and patient and thoughtful with it though. For what good it does me lol.
I hope your situation improves.

I could do with some of that directness. My ex MIL used to come round and empty the washing basket, lovely I know but some of it was quite embarrassing. She shortened my curtains when I wanted them left long, and she used a power cleaner on our old brick garden wall. Having said that she was brilliant with DD as a little one.

misspickle_2

Jagraf wrote: »

I remember raging once about my in laws. My husband also moans sometimes but I took it too far once and he said "what if I talked about your parents like that" which did make me think.

OP, You also have a right to have a relationship with your parents and your baby's grandparents so do see both angles, whilst supporting your wife Lol.

Your so diplomatic jag lol I love that.
And I like that wolf saying you have. That is so me!

misspickle_2

Jagraf wrote: »

I could do with some of that directness. My ex MIL used to come round and empty the washing basket, lovely I know but some of it was quite embarrassing. She shortened my curtains when I wanted them left long, and she used a power cleaner on our old brick garden wall. Having said that she was brilliant with DD as a little one.

Lol jag! Oh lordy.

Mine spring cleaned once when the house was already spotless!!! She would do anything to be involved.
She now begrudgingly agrees with a lot of laughter that she hated me being a great cook and she didn't like me being so competent with my housekeeping because she felt she didn't have a role to play anymore.
She says I'm welcome to my dd now that she's a teenager coz she can't handle her lol.

Mojisola

newparent77 wrote: »

The upshot is that while I’m at work, and my wife is home, her parents see the baby daily, whereas my parents see him perhaps once a week.

They text me or my wife asking how we are doing, and asking if they can see the baby soon, and my wife feels pressured by that.

An alternative would be me taking the baby to see my parents at weekend, but then that eats into our time together as a family and isn’t seen as an ideal solution.

I think your wife needs to loosen up a bit. The baby is your child as well as hers and your parents are grandparents just like hers are.

Your parents need to know that your wife is oversensitive about their comments and they need to say only positive things about her parenting but your wife's reaction to their offer "my mum once suggested perhaps they could one day take the baby out in the pram to give my wife a rest" was over the top.

I would take the baby to see your parents and let your wife have some time to herself - but don't imply you're doing it because she isn't coping! - and hope that she gets more relaxed about your parents having more contact.

AmyTurtle

In my family, and in all my friend's families, the children are always closer to their mum's parents than their dad's, because women just naturally want to spend more time with their own mum than someone else's to be honest. My brother and his wife definitely see more of her family than us, for example they go to her mum's for lunch every Sunday. My mum does feel a bit left out sometimes. Also I'm close to sis-in-law and she often objects to my mum's advice over her mum's because people naturally think the way they were brought up is the best way, and to imply otherwise can be seen as a criticism of their parents. My grandparents are only close to their daughter's children (me and my 2 siblings), my cousins are much closer to their maternal grandparents.

I don't have kids, but I do have in-laws and dealing with the inner workings of someone else's family is always weird, things they say and do I find plain weird, for example they talk very openly about money whereas in my family I was always taught it was very rude to ask people how much they earn etc. I'm sure they think I'm weird too

RAS

AmyTurtle wrote: »

In my family, and in all my friend's families, the children are always closer to their mum's parents than their dad's, because women just naturally want to spend more time with their own mum than someone else's to be honest.

It does not always go that way; in my family we tried to protect the children from contact with our mother (dad dead). The in-laws were lovely, sane and a joy to be around.

jackyann

I'd agree, watch for PND, but it may be just the slight "lows" and usual anxiety of a new parent.

Different families have different expectations: I could not leave mine for even a few minutes until several months old, others merrily (even if they are expressing breast milk) leave theirs at a few weeks. As long as the baby is properly cared for, neither of these is "right" or "wrong".

I do agree that mixing with other mums may well be helpful - you realise that what you are going through is shared by others, and pick up useful tips. I wonder if a daily visit to parents is getting in the way of going to baby groups? Of course, some mums hate baby groups, but many make life-long friends there.

New parents (especially mums) get a bit of a pass for several months. If your parents can be tolerant & forgiving, they will get their reward!

kettlefish

I have a little girl of 3 and a baby girl of 13m and I still wouldn't leave the baby for more than a couple of hours with anyone, even my (wonderful, kind, parents of 3, foster parents of many more) mum and dad. When she is able to communicate verbally I will feel much happier. Also, we actively wante tk become a family so don't miss the "couple time" that other people seem insistent that we need! Looking after the baby in and of itself isn't hard, its a pleasure so I wouldn't outsource it to anyone, family or not.

I don't have in laws but I know when my first was young I would see my mum daily or pretty much daily as it was something to do, somewhere to go and someone to make me hot drinks! I never ever let her "help" me as such with housework etc as I wanted to prove I could do it. Maybe it's the same for your wife? Perhaps she feels she is a guest in their home, and is comfier with her folks (perhaps espeically so if breastfeeding!)

It's good that they've backed off with the advice (which as a new and vulnerable mum, hormones raging, will have sounded like criticism despite best intentions) so I would be similarly upfront about the babysitting offers.

Well done for having your wife's back, you sound lovely.