Feel a bit caught in the middle - wife and parents

misspickle_2

newparent77 wrote: »

I think you are both right. And I guess with her own mum, even if she does the same thing it's easier to tell your own mum to butt out! So I guess that's where I step in (telling my mum to butt out if she's coming on too strong!)

Yeah you do need to support your wife on this and stand by her.
But give your mum a hug and explain.
Its your mums grandchild so of course she wants to be involved!
But wife comes first on this for definite.
Things will get better. Hang in there and keep them communicating.

Loft_Boy

Don't worry too much mate. We have a 14 month old and similar things happened.

Firstly I might be wrong but is this both your first child. It changes everything and lack of sleep and total change of lifestyile and in your partner's case hormones can be a pretty potent mix.

My Mrs saw her Mum everyday and now my Mum in Law who is a legend to be fair looks after our little girl 3 days a week (her parents are both retired both mine work). It can be pretty tricky trying to juggle everything.

In terms of sitting your parents down and saying it's causing an issue, I would go down the ' I think the advice has changed since I was little, you used to lay me on front wher'as now that's not what they recommend' and alsmost have a chat about how things have changed and ask them how they think it differs, might help make them feel involved it kind of worked for us.

Explain to your Mrs that whilst you dont want cause a row you would like to get your parents to have a bit more time with the little one. Suggest asking them round for a late breakfast / early lunch. Not too much hassle and they can spend some time with the little one and your partner can go and get a bath, grab an hours sleep etc. You can also caveat the invite with well we are seeing A & B later that afternoon so it only needs to be an hour or two. My Parents live near a massive park so why not say you are going for a walk in the park do they want to come, they will say yes if they have nothing else on and will be proud as punch pushing the buggy along, again hour in the park maybe a quick cup of tea and your done

I think we left our little girl at around 3 months for the first time, we went to Pizza Express, my Mrs spend almost the entire time checking the clock and we were home in not much over an hour, but it is important to still do things as a couple and get out for a bit, ask them if they would come to you and sit for an hour or two. My Mrs wasn't massively keen in the first instance but once she had done it she was more amiable to doing it again.

Our little Girls Grandparents love being involved and they are all amazing in their own way but the first few months are hard and trying to juggle everyone's wishes along with your own will never happen it's about finding the best happy medium you can.

I'm sure it will be grand

Good Luck

newparent77

duchy wrote: »

Your son is only three months old - your wife is still finding her way of doing things and feeling genuinely confident. She is probably also not yet getting out and about much -and possibly hasn't yet got a group of "other Mum" friends for support (and also to moan to and get a bit of balance ). If she worked before her life has changed drastically and it doesn't matter how much you love your baby or how confident you were before -it can be pretty daunting.

If your parents are quite forthright people themselves you can probably say to them that she's still finding her feet and best to back off on advice or offers unless she asks first

If there's definitely no PND in the mix then time and confidence will solve most of this - although you may find she turns more naturally to her Mum rather than yours anyway just because of their bond.

Yes, totally understand what an upheaval it is and I fully appreciate how hard it is being at home with the baby all day - I think I have the easier life going to work!

I think my parents have stopped giving advice now to be honest, after we explained that we would prefer to do things outselves and would ask if we need help. But I think the 'damage may have been done' and my wife is now on the defensive most times. They have been enthusaistic as this is their first grandchild, so that won't have helped.

Sorry, I probably seem like a right tyrant, demanding my wife takes the baby to see my parents every day! I'm really not trying to, and my priority is my wife and son. Just trying to keep everyone happy as much as possible (which is always a fool's errand I guess!).

newparent77

Loft_Boy wrote: »

Don't worry too much mate. We have a 14 month old and similar things happened.

Firstly I might be wrong but is this both your first child. It changes everything and lack of sleep and total change of lifestyile and in your partner's case hormones can be a pretty potent mix.

My Mrs saw her Mum everyday and now my Mum in Law who is a legend to be fair looks after our little girl 3 days a week (her parents are both retired both mine work). It can be pretty tricky trying to juggle everything.

In terms of sitting your parents down and saying it's causing an issue, I would go down the ' I think the advice has changed since I was little, you used to lay me on front wher'as now that's not what they recommend' and alsmost have a chat about how things have changed and ask them how they think it differs, might help make them feel involved it kind of worked for us.

Explain to your Mrs that whilst you dont want cause a row you would like to get your parents to have a bit more time with the little one. Suggest asking them round for a late breakfast / early lunch. Not too much hassle and they can spend some time with the little one and your partner can go and get a bath, grab an hours sleep etc. You can also caveat the invite with well we are seeing A & B later that afternoon so it only needs to be an hour or two. My Parents live near a massive park so why not say you are going for a walk in the park do they want to come, they will say yes if they have nothing else on and will be proud as punch pushing the buggy along, again hour in the park maybe a quick cup of tea and your done

I think we left our little girl at around 3 months for the first time, we went to Pizza Express, my Mrs spend almost the entire time checking the clock and we were home in not much over an hour, but it is important to still do things as a couple and get out for a bit, ask them if they would come to you and sit for an hour or two. My Mrs wasn't massively keen in the first instance but once she had done it she was more amiable to doing it again.

Our little Girls Grandparents love being involved and they are all amazing in their own way but the first few months are hard and trying to juggle everyone's wishes along with your own will never happen it's about finding the best happy medium you can.

I'm sure it will be grand

Good Luck

Great advice, thanks! And yes, I think we are in the 'anxious leaving him with anyone, even parents!' phase (it is our first).

Errata

newparent77 wrote: »

Thanks all, those comments really make sense! I am sure this will all pass eventually!

I think it's got to a point a bit where no matter what my parents say, my wife will pick up on something and take offence. I sometimes get cross and think 'how on earth can you take that personally?' but then I feel bad because I would probably do the same in her position!

I totally understand how much easier things are with your own parents, so I can't blame her for wanting to see her's everyday, and she does take the baby round to see my parents on her own even though they annoy her, which is really good of her.

Who said this parent lark was easy!

Stop thinking and start talking. A good first step would be to ask your parents to stop being blunt with their comments.

misspickle_2

You don't sound like a tyrant at all!!! I think you've come across very well and you sound like a great dad, husband and son.
Its very difficult keeping everyone happy.
Best of luck and enjoy the future. They grow up so fast!
Wish mine was a baby again

philphil1

This thread really reminded me of my situation.

My wife did have PND at the time too which was very hard on her and everyone else around.

My situation came to a head in an argument between my wife and my mother, which resulted in them not talking for over a year. I felt very stuck in the middle, obviously wanting to support my wife, but also not wanting to stop seeing my family or stop the children seeing them.

Almost 3 years on and things still aren't brilliant, although they do talk and see each other but its hardly a happy relationship between them.

Don't mean to make it all about my story though.

I'd just say watch carefully for signs of PND, and don't cut anyone out of your life - you will regret it in the future. Definitely talk to your parents and be open and honest with them about the situation.

I think if these things are just left without being sorted out (the easy option at the time - which I took), they get a lot worse.

Good luck

newparent77

philphil1 wrote: »

This thread really reminded me of my situation.

My wife did have PND at the time too which was very hard on her and everyone else around.

My situation came to a head in an argument between my wife and my mother, which resulted in them not talking for over a year. I felt very stuck in the middle, obviously wanting to support my wife, but also not wanting to stop seeing my family or stop the children seeing them.

Almost 3 years on and things still aren't brilliant, although they do talk and see each other but its hardly a happy relationship between them.

Don't mean to make it all about my story though.

I'd just say watch carefully for signs of PND, and don't cut anyone out of your life - you will regret it in the future. Definitely talk to your parents and be open and honest with them about the situation.

I think if these things are just left without being sorted out (the easy option at the time - which I took), they get a lot worse.

Good luck

Thank you for sharing and sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know if PND is involved, it might just be mother-in-law syndrome, but will keep an eye out obviously.

Jagraf

My MIL loves me but loves seeing her son on his own too, I very often say "go and see your mum" without me handing on.

I am sure if you said you will take the baby round to your mums for a couple of hours at the weekend she would be fine, walk round with the pram, everyone's a winner: you get some exercise, the little one gets fresh air, your folks see their grandchild, your wife gets some peace.

Jagraf

philphil1 wrote: »

This thread really reminded me of my situation.

My wife did have PND at the time too which was very hard on her and everyone else around.

My situation came to a head in an argument between my wife and my mother, which resulted in them not talking for over a year. I felt very stuck in the middle, obviously wanting to support my wife, but also not wanting to stop seeing my family or stop the children seeing them.

Almost 3 years on and things still aren't brilliant, although they do talk and see each other but its hardly a happy relationship between them.

Don't mean to make it all about my story though.

I'd just say watch carefully for signs of PND, and don't cut anyone out of your life - you will regret it in the future. Definitely talk to your parents and be open and honest with them about the situation.

I think if these things are just left without being sorted out (the easy option at the time - which I took), they get a lot worse.

Good luck

I remember raging once about my in laws. My husband also moans sometimes but I took it too far once and he said "what if I talked about your parents like that" which did make me think.

OP, You also have a right to have a relationship with your parents and your baby's grandparents so do see both angles, whilst supporting your wife Lol.