Feel a bit caught in the middle - wife and parents

newparent77

Hi all,

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this over the weekend – this is the first time I’ve had a chance to look, as I’m sure all parents of small babies will understand!

It’s been really interesting reading everyone’s points of view, and seeing just how common this kind of situation is.

My wife and I actually had a chat about this last night. She reiterated a lot of what people have said here – she feels my mum in particular makes comments that can be hurtful or annoying. She also feels that they focus purely on the baby when she visits, so that when my wife tries having a conversation they sometimes don't acknowledge it properly because they are playing with the baby. She feels at times that visits are all about the baby and that my parents aren’t really bothered about my wife at all.

But then, she acknowledged that she may be being over sensitive about some of the comments and that she knows it is a bit of a vicious cycle – my parents will be all about the baby and seem rude almost because they don’t see him much, but my wife doesn’t enjoy going to visit them because they are all about the baby and seem rude!

Understandably, she says she knows she is over protective about the baby and so may be being too defensive at times. I should add that she also complains about her own parents too, so not just mine!

I agree with people that say it will get better with time and when the grandparents share child minding duties. Both sets of parents will get their fill of the baby (perhaps too much if he plays up!) and so when we all go to visit it should be more laid back. I’m sure there will still be times when we all get annoyed at each other, but that’s families!

Wickedkitten

ognum wrote: »

My friend the mother of three boys and the grandmother of a few grandchildren adopts the theory of 'the second class granny'

The second class granny is the paternal grandmother, she treads carefully with her daughter in law, offers comments and advice only when asked. KEeps her own counsel, is available when asked to help but doesn't push to be involved otherwise she suffers the wrather of her son and his wife.

Of course this doesn't apply to everyone but it is an understood concept in some families.

The first class granny on the other hand (the maternal grandmother) can give advice, comment, pop in, make her daughter rest while she looks after the offspring and generally do no wrong!!!

I wonder how many of these "second class" grannies were the same exact way with their own mums when they first had their children.

Kynthia

I'm glad you and you're wife had a productive chat. The first year is hard, but things do get better throughout. Soon you'll be planning your son's first birthday party and celebrating together as an extended family. We had my daughters party at the weekend and it's another memory in a year of great memories.

janb5

ognum wrote: »

My friend the mother of three boys and the grandmother of a few grandchildren adopts the theory of 'the second class granny'

The second class granny is the paternal grandmother, she treads carefully with her daughter in law, offers comments and advice only when asked. KEeps her own counsel, is available when asked to help but doesn't push to be involved otherwise she suffers the wrather of her son and his wife.

Of course this doesn't apply to everyone but it is an understood concept in some families.

The first class granny on the other hand (the maternal grandmother) can give advice, comment, pop in, make her daughter rest while she looks after the offspring and generally do no wrong!!!

This could be me and I think it is unfortunately very true!

pollypenny

I'm glad you and your wife have talked, OP.

I can see that your parents' visits are all about the baby, it's understandable. However, isn't your wife all about the baby, too?

It's easy to be hurt, and to hurt in such circumstances. I remember by DIL playing with the baby, who was laughing and smiling at me, including me in the game. She said 'I haven't seen seen you all day, don't smile at other people.'

'Other people', not his loving grandmother!

However, it's in the past. She's back to normal and grateful for what we do. Even though we have to go to the USA to help out.

gayleygoo

I think it is fairly normal for many new mums to feel protective of their baby around the in-laws! I know mine seemed to come out with wacky comments, even hurtful ones (and looking back they didn't mean it that way), and were very baby-centred when they visited. Well, of course they were - there was a new tiny baby to fuss over!

Mothers and mothers in law seem to enjoy commenting and giving advice. They may not mean much by it, but may be trying to bond with your wife by discussing motherly things. Motherhood is something you largely learn as you go, and when your kids have grown up you can feel like you have a wealth of knowledge and experience to offer, except no-one really appreciates it then!

I have found that I can shift attention from the way I do things by asking MIL questions about her own experiences of motherhood - what was her pregnancy like, what was maternity care like then, how did she cope with four children, what games did they play etc. I may not want to do things the way she did, or act upon any advice given, but it is something we can talk about without feelings getting hurt. It works for maternal grandmothers/aunties/neighbours etc too. They might still enrage you when they try to spoonfeed an 8 week old, wake them up 10 minutes into their nap, or insist the baby has been "breastfed long enough". But you've got to pick your battles and let them have some "granny time"

I am expecting our third baby now, and while I can't entirely rule out being crazily overprotective, I think I will find it much easier to just relax and hand the baby over when grandparents reasonably want a cuddle, to push the pram, dress baby or change a nappy.

nutshell82

You could have been my husband writing this 14 months ago. We too live very close to both sets of parents. My in laws too are lovely people and would be horrified if they knew how much they can sometimes grate on me and how much they upset me in the first few weeks with their well meaning comments. My parents were both working and they are retired. I had to have a c-section so could drive for almost 5 weeks. Not once did they offer to take us out or get me some shopping. When OH asked them why not the answer was "Oh we didn't want to bother her." They were also constantly telling me that "that baby is hungry" when she had just been fed. It is a very emotional time coming to terms with this new situation and completely dependant person. My LO is 18 months now and they keep saying "Oh we will pick S up early from nursery for you and take her out for a few hours." Uh no I pay for a full day so she can stay for a full day. Yet they don't offer to have her for a couple of hours on the weekend. They fuss too much or not enough, both drive me to distraction. They grate on me in a way that if it was my mum doing exactly the same it wouldn't bother me a jot. I think it's because I can tell my mum to do one if she makes a rubbish suggestion. Also I don't see her suggestions as criticism. I looked to her to give me the confidence to be a mum, a skill which I'm still learning. It's what we do, we learn from our parents.

I know this doesn't help, but just to say lots of us have been there and you will come out the other side. Maybe ask your wife for her suggestions on what they can do to help her rather than her feeling like they hinder.

Your wife will soon be back in work and not seeing her mum every day and the balance will shift.

nutshell82

Oh and even though she has been walking confidently for over 4 months they still chase her around holding the neck of her jumpers, nearly strangling her, because "that child is going to fall if she runs." Yes and if she does she will manage to get back up off you carpet. I have to pick my battles and bite my tongue sometimes.

Mojisola

nutshell82 wrote: »

Not once did they offer to take us out or get me some shopping. When OH asked them why not the answer was "Oh we didn't want to bother her."

Did either of you think of asking if they would take you to the shops or do some shopping for you?

They fuss too much or not enough, both drive me to distraction. They grate on me in a way that if it was my mum doing exactly the same it wouldn't bother me a jot.

I think it's because I can tell my mum to do one if she makes a rubbish suggestion. Also I don't see her suggestions as criticism. I looked to her to give me the confidence to be a mum, a skill which I'm still learning. It's what we do, we learn from our parents.

Your poor in-laws.

They drive you to distraction whereas you don't see your Mum's suggestions as criticism?

jjj1980

I'm not going to be popular here but here goes........

Firstly, without giving a ton of detail, I had a horrendous experience with my now ex and ex-inlaws; before, during and after pregnancy with my daughter. So I guess I am coming from a different position somewhat.

Ok..... I do not get all this fuss over grandparents "needing" to push the baby buggy, being around all the time after delivery unless it's purely to help with housework, shopping etc. Baby is for mum and dad, unless they are offering the pushing of buggy, dressing of baby etc. No parent, mum in particular, should ever feel pressured to hand baby over to other relatives/spend time apart from baby. Some are fine with being apart for a bit and that's perfectly ok but some are not and that's perfectly fine too!

I never clashed once with my mum over my daughter and still haven't, nearly 5.5 years since having her! All because she never forced her opinion on me. If I asked her opinion, she gave it but always added "...but this is your baby not mine, what's your feeling?" to the end.

My mum had quite a falling out with her own sister when my daughter was around 1 year old as my aunt told her she was not a real grandma as she always saw my daughter with me there and had not looked after her overnight. My mum was fuming and told her that just because she was now a grandma, it didn't mean she was no longer my mum! That if anything, she felt it made the mum title even more precious as she had very nearly lost her daughter (me) and I had nearly lost my daughter, so time all three of us spent together means everything to her. My mum could not understand why she should have to be alone with her granddaughter to make her a "real grandma". Unbeknown to my aunt, my mum had looked after my daughter lots of times by that age when I had appointments etc. we just never felt we needed to tell everyone!

Maybe it's just my mum's "way" or the traumatic time surrounding my daughters birth. She is very much on the side of new parents, believing they know their own baby best and should be supported unconditionally as long as the baby is at no risk of harm. That the grandparents got all their "firsts" with their own children and now it's time to stand back and watch all the excitement their own adult children now feel.