Help please 3 year old DS turned into the devil incarnate

notanewuser

supermassive wrote: »

Thought I'd stumbled onto the mumsnet !!!!! for a second, had to check what website I was on. Seems the breed has spread to other parts of the internet.

Why is a gay childless man on mumsnet?

thorsoak

OP - I've deliberately refrained from posting advice, as I know that I'm not a new mum - although I was one, many many years ago. However after the rubbish posted by Supermassive, I thought I should.

First of all - here's a {{hug}} for you - Master 3-year old isn't the only one having it tough at the moment - you're having to cope with a new baby (how does she sleep/feed just now) plus a threenager plus doing it all on your own for the time being.

Things WILL get better ...another few weeks and you'll wonder what the problem was. In the meantime, might I suggest that you choose your battles? Those that can be won, and those that can't. Those that can't be won I would list as toilet training and eating. If his little lordship is deliberately peeing and poohing in his pants - then back into nappies ("when you are a bit bigger and pee & poo in like Daddy does, then you can wear your boxers/pants"). Similarly with food - no point in making an issue about it - but absolutely NO TREATS outside meal times.

What worked with No 1 son, when I'd got baby daughter, was to get a timer - and say "we've got 5 mins to put away the cars or bricks - which shall we do first?" then set timer and make a game of putting everything a way - sort of beat the clock. Then telling him how great/clever he was to do it. Similarly, when DD slept, that would be time for a play - just me and him. Feeding time I tried to make into story time, so he'd be sitting on one side of me whilst I fed - and we'd make a game of him changing sides when DD changed boobs!

Hope some of that makes sense - and good luck - you won't have a delinquent with bars on his window because he has the occasional paddy! x

thorsoak

supermassive wrote: »

You know nothing about me or my education, thank you. What I know on an academic level and what I know from experience are 2 different things as all children are different.

The fact that the kid misses his dad and is dealing with a new sibling is almost irrelevant. These things will resolve themselves in time, but the thing to do right now is make sure there's very little
tolerance for this behaviour to become a regular habit.

I do not need to know anything about your education or academic level to appreciate that you are an ill-informed, inexperienced young man (my apologies for mistaking your sex).

Mojisola

supermassive wrote: »

I have a neice and nephew. Neice was raised with distinct 'yes' and 'no', which would come with both reward and punishment depending which she acted upon. She's a very intelligent, well balanced 15 year old at the moment, and is far beyond her age in terms of maturity. She's basically a grown up.

Then the nephew. For some reason, his parents decided to adopt this new age "take them to the doctor for everything" "can't tell him off" "it's not his fault" malarkey. Now he's the spawn of the devil. Borderline psychopath. Entirely selfish and constantly does things he is told not to, but then says it's ok because you can't blame him, someone else must've done it. (You can watch him doing something, and he'll outright deny responsibility.) at the age of 12, there is obviously something very wrong.

Both raised in the same environments, just different parenting styles.

Or maybe there is something wrong with the nephew and the original parenting style didn't work so they tried everything else that was suggested in the hope of finding something that would work.

bouicca21

Toddlers have tantrums. End of. It's an entirely normal part of their development. They do not do so because they are spoiled nor do they respond to logic or to bribery for the simple reason that they are not yet mentally equipped to do so.

Their parents need support and non-judgmental sympathy. If nothing else it helps to know that it really is just a phase, and that OP's particular toddler is most likely behaving this way because he does not understand about the new baby and daddy's absence. Simples.

notanewuser

thorsoak wrote: »

Things WILL get better ...another few weeks and you'll wonder what the problem was. In the meantime, might I suggest that you choose your battles? Those that can be won, and those that can't. Those that can't be won I would list as toilet training and eating. If his little lordship is deliberately peeing and poohing in his pants - then back into nappies ("when you are a bit bigger and pee & poo in like Daddy does, then you can wear your boxers/pants"). Similarly with food - no point in making an issue about it - but absolutely NO TREATS outside meal times.

The only thing I would say about potty learning is that it doesn't often work first time. Children don't run the day after they learn to walk and they need time to consolidate control of bodily functions. Regressions are exceptionally common, especially if it wasn't the child's idea in the first place. So the accidents may be accidents, especially if his cognitive attention is on playing, rather than dirty protests.

fluffnutter

Toilet training ... if a kid's ready, they're ready. You shouldn't need to bribe, or cajole, or threaten. They'll just get the idea and they'll prefer to use a potty or loo rather than soil themselves. Night time training is more complex because it involves the CNS being mature enough to recognise signals from your bladder and wake you up to deal with those signals. It's not about drinking too much at bedtime - you should never reduce fluid intake just to stop bed-wetting, nor does lifting a sleepy child on to the loo help - it's simply about your brain getting those signals and telling you 'wake up and deal with this'.

If you're having to bribe, cajole or threaten your toddler, then it's likely that he or she isn't ready. There might be the odd child who deliberately thwarts your attempts to train them but that's a whole different ball-game and pretty uncommon too.

[Deleted User]

I've been silly, thought my older son was 19.., he's actually three reading this thread.

(Don't mean it.., just going through a difficult time with him feeling his feet a bit)

Northern78

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate people taking the time out to offer advice.

I've got a spare few mins so thought I'd reply to a few questions. I can't remember off the top of my head who asked them but.....

Toilet training what instigated by me. We tried when he was younger and it was clear it wasn't going to happen so we went back to nappies and left it a few more months. He starts nursery a week on Monday and they have told us he has to be toilet trained so had to make a start. Today he has stayed dry all day. We've been out shopping and he told me he needed a wee but when we got there he didn't. Lots of praise though. He went shopping with my parents and didn't he same but had a wee this time. Also been popping off to his potty on his own and doing what he needed to.

Someone mentioned that a couple of weeks 'bad' behaviour isn't long at all and you're right. I'm probably expecting too much of him now I have a newborn to look after as well.

The new baby and his daddy not be here as much is definitely affecting him. I don't know why I expect a 'just turned' 3 year old to be able to accept such big changes without it affecting him when it's quite clearly affecting me!

DD was a handful for the first 2 and half months but I've managed to get her in a good routine. She's in bed normally by 6pm and will sleep till 7am with 2 sometimes but rarely 3 feeds. I forgot to mention we're also having some work done at home so I've got that to deal with too which doesn't help.

I did some thinking last night and decided on a more relaxed approach. Obviously I can't change who I am overnight but small steps and we'll get there.

I told him yesterday that if he stayed dry all day he could have a cookie from this shop at the shopping mall today. He didn't, he wet himself before bed so I wasn't going to let him have one but thought what happened yesterday is done with, new day new start.

We started the day with a cuddle and kiss and 'good morning'. He was well behaved at the shops so I bought him a cookie. He ate some of his lunch, we compromised on what to eat before he could finish and he's had two small tantrums. Admittedly I started to shout at him first time but took a deep breath and carried on doing what I was doing and they quickly passed. All in all it's not been too bad today.

There'll be plenty of 'rough' days to come but hearing peoples experiences and advice has given me food for thought so thanks very much everyone!

Mojisola

Northern78 wrote: »

I told him yesterday that if he stayed dry all day he could have a cookie from this shop at the shopping mall today. He didn't, he wet himself before bed so I wasn't going to let him have one but thought what happened yesterday is done with, new day new start.

A day is too long for a 3 year old to cope with - it doesn't mean much. Have you ever seen film of the Stanford marshmallow experiment - minutes are like hours for little ones!

Rewards need to be immediate - I would stick with the praise during the day when he uses the potty or asks to go to the toilet.