Help please 3 year old DS turned into the devil incarnate

Northern78

Hi all

Could be a long post, apologises in advance!

As the title says, my 3 year old DS has turned into the devil incarnate. He has always been a, shall we say, strong willed boy but these last two weeks he's been a nightmare.

It's getting to the point where I've shouted at him and I don't want to do that, I especially don't want him thinking that's an acceptable way to talk to someone.

He turned 3 at the end of January, we started toilet training at that start of January. He took to it really well, had a sticker chart and went days being dry. Now suddenly he is weeing himself and telling me he did it because he wanted to. I've said if he stays dry all day he can have treats and he goes so long but then will wet himself even though he knows where his potty is and i've asked him if he needs the toilet.

He's also started refusing to do anything I say, if I ask him to put his toys away he just says no and sits there. I've threatened to throw them away but he just says 'ok I'll just keep this one'.

He has tantrums if I ask him to do something he doesn't want to and it's all just getting a bit much.

I know changes affect children and there has been a few recently, we had a baby at the start of November although he dotes on her and never takes it out on her. His dad is in the forces. They gave him two months off when I had the baby so DS was used to having him around and now he is only home at weekends, sometimes it's two weeks away. Sometimes in the middle of a tantrum or when he's calming down he'll say 'I miss daddy' and I'm sure he does but I think he's using it as an excuse now. He is also due to start nursery in a fortnight but is looking forward to that.

I don't think tiredness is an issue here as he has about 11 and half/12 hours at night and some days an afternoon nap. I've sent him to bed the last couple of days because of his behaviour but I don't want him to associate bed with being upset.

So I'm just after some advice on how to handle it and for someone to tell me it's normal will pass as it the minute I'm just feeling like a bad parent.

I've heard people say ignore the bad behaviour so does that mean if he starts I ignore him? Not sure how to ignore the behaviour without ignoring him. Also not sure how that will work when trying to get him to put his toys away.

Wow this ended up being longer than I planned! If you are still reading by now, thanks!

markdebby

My son uses the bold chair with his kids. He talks to them and explains the reason they are on the chair. It works really well with them.

Jagraf

Years ago, I used to throw DDs toys away if she threw a tantrum about tidying them.

I also shouted back sometimes. I used to mimick the tantrum and that seemed to work, then she would chuckle. I used to say "you won't win this argument"

I do the same now and she's 16.

Personally, talking just gets a bit samey

Northern78

Jagraf during one of his tantrums earlier I did get down on the floor with him and do some moaning, he stopped for a minute then shouted he was doing this on his own. Mind you he calmed down not long after so could be a tactic.

looneyleo

Firstly, don't be too hard on yourself, or on your little one. My daughter was and still is a challenge 13 years on. You have got to decide on your tactic, decide where the line is, and STICK TO IT. Do not let your child get the upper hand, what you say goes, stand your ground even if you end up with an almighty tantrum that really doesn't seem worth it... it is because there is a bigger lesson here that you are the adult, he is the child and he has to do as he is told. Despite the tough stance, there is always of course lots of patience and love along with that and it sounds like a new sibling and a dad who works away is a lot to cope with. Always end the day with cuddles and "Love You's" and tomorrow is a new day. Start from scratch. Persevere and you will get through it! Good luck!

meritaten

I dunno why they say 'the terrible twos'? I think it kicks in around 3. he is just learning he is a separate person. that he has all this power over his 'wees and poos' and he is enjoying exercising it.
I did the 'getting down on the floor and having a tantrum too'...........it made them laugh and calm down enough for us to 'start again'.
This is where you need your sense of humour hun - and please don't take their tantrums etc personally. They are exploring their feelings, tempers, and their boundaries.
if you cant cope - ensure their safety and walk away and leave them to it. and the occasional 'shout' will do no harm. you are a parent not a saint and they should come to understand that YOU have these feelings of anger/frustration just like them.

Northern78

Thanks looneyleo. I guess my problem is I just don't know what to do other than shout when he refuses to do things. I hate shouting at him, he used to be so good but I guess this phase had to come. I always give him cuddles and tell him I love him after he's calmed down but it just doesn't seem enough for him.

Like you say tomorrow is another day so we'll start it with a nice 'good morning' and a kiss and see where tomorrow takes us on the long and winding road of raising a child!

Northern78

Thanks Meritaten. I totally agree, I thought we'd escaped the terrible two's fairly unscathed but as soon as he hit 3 it was like someone flicked a switch.

I'm hoping nursery will help as it'll be more routine for him and some time doing things he likes without having his baby sister round all the time.

Mojisola

Northern78 wrote: »

I guess my problem is I just don't know what to do other than shout when he refuses to do things. I hate shouting at him, he used to be so good but I guess this phase had to come.

Instead of telling him to do something and him refusing, have you tried giving him a choice - blue coat or red coat?, sandwich or banana?

He's learning that he is a separate being and has some control over his surroundings. Help him to control what happens in his life by giving some options.

Northern78

Mojisola I have when he's asked for sweets, instead I'll say no you can have either a banana or a piece of cheese but I haven't used that approach with other situations.

So tomorrow night when I ask him to put his toys away before bed, instead of I want you to put your toys away, I'll sit in the floor with him and say do you want to put your toolset or cars away.

I'm open to any suggestions at the minute!

janninew

I'll be keeping my eye on this thread for new ideas! I'm in the same boat with a 3 year old girl who has turned into a right little madam over night!

My little one was 3 in November and to be honest the past week or so we have started to move away from the tantrums and I'm able to reason more with her, just seemed to happen all of a sudden. Good luck op, they can be such hard work at times.