Help please 3 year old DS turned into the devil incarnate

thorsoak

supermassive wrote: »

What worked with my relatives (who I toilet trained because... well, they liked me better than their parents) was *insert dramatic music here that goes 'dun dun duunnnnn'* Sugar Free sweets.

The little bleeders think they're getting a treat - it's called bribery - and you don't have to deal with the rush & crash that comes with plying the demonic-sweethearts with actual confectionary. That's the enforcement for the good behaviour. It's a "if you do this, you get this" and never use "if you don't do it you won't get it" because they were never entitled to the sweets in the first place.

As for bad behaviour - I don't understand why parents don't think back to their school years and adopt one of the best methods, one of the most reliable methods that's slightly humiliating - but that's the point, a deterrent. Put the child in your eye line facing the wall. Do not engage in any conversation or battle. It'll only happen once or twice if your kid is sharp enough to realise it's not a good thing. It doesn't stop there, though. After their few minutes stood thinking about what they've done - it's time to sit and be quiet somewhere without toys or stimulants. After their calming down from this, tell the child again to do what they initially reacted to.

One thing that confused me about OP was the use of the word 'ask'. It makes you sound wishy-washy. You need to be an authority figure, and authority figures do not 'ask' children to do things. The child should be politely told. "Pick up the rest of your toys please." That's it. no "can you" "Will you" etc. That's giving them room to believe they have a say in matters, which they don't.

Regardless of what could be blamed for poor behaviour, the fact is that it's happening and you can't go back and change anything, so deal with the behaviour in a zero tolerance manner. If your child behaves, you're a lovely mummy and everything's skittles and rainbows. If the child misbehaves, you're going to be teacher-mummy and educate the child that actions have consequences and that these actions result in punishment.

You are your child's mother, but most of all you are the owner of your child.

WHAT??:eek::eek::eek::eek: Seriously - is this your philosophy?

Just how old are you? 16? 17? 18? I cannot remember the last time I saw such rubbish spouted - unless by Katie Hopkins!

Let me tell you - I've lived through oh so many bringing up children philosphies (I'm 71, and have raised 4 children of my own) - so I range from Truby King, through Dr Spock, through all the others (through grandchildren) and NEVER have I heard of such a philosphy. We do NOT own our children - we are responsible for rearing them, for bringing them up with love, with manners - and it is hard - but you - well good luck when you have children of your own - I pity the poor little sods!

notanewuser

supermassive wrote: »

What worked with my relatives (who I toilet trained because... well, they liked me better than their parents) was *insert dramatic music here that goes 'dun dun duunnnnn'* Sugar Free sweets.

The little bleeders think they're getting a treat - it's called bribery - and you don't have to deal with the rush & crash that comes with plying the demonic-sweethearts with actual confectionary. That's the enforcement for the good behaviour. It's a "if you do this, you get this" and never use "if you don't do it you won't get it" because they were never entitled to the sweets in the first place.

As for bad behaviour - I don't understand why parents don't think back to their school years and adopt one of the best methods, one of the most reliable methods that's slightly humiliating - but that's the point, a deterrent. Put the child in your eye line facing the wall. Do not engage in any conversation or battle. It'll only happen once or twice if your kid is sharp enough to realise it's not a good thing. It doesn't stop there, though. After their few minutes stood thinking about what they've done - it's time to sit and be quiet somewhere without toys or stimulants. After their calming down from this, tell the child again to do what they initially reacted to.

One thing that confused me about OP was the use of the word 'ask'. It makes you sound wishy-washy. You need to be an authority figure, and authority figures do not 'ask' children to do things. The child should be politely told. "Pick up the rest of your toys please." That's it. no "can you" "Will you" etc. That's giving them room to believe they have a say in matters, which they don't.

Regardless of what could be blamed for poor behaviour, the fact is that it's happening and you can't go back and change anything, so deal with the behaviour in a zero tolerance manner. If your child behaves, you're a lovely mummy and everything's skittles and rainbows. If the child misbehaves, you're going to be teacher-mummy and educate the child that actions have consequences and that these actions result in punishment.

You are your child's mother, but most of all you are the owner of your child.

<<<shudders>>>

notanewuser

Sugar free sweets too. Assume you weren't around for the explosive diarrhoea they probably caused (not to mention future cancers).

Please don't give parenting advice again. Your variety is extremely dangerous.

supermassive

thorsoak wrote: »

WHAT??:eek::eek::eek::eek: Seriously - is this your philosophy?

Just how old are you? 16? 17? 18? I cannot remember the last time I saw such rubbish spouted - unless by Katie Hopkins!

Let me tell you - I've lived through oh so many bringing up children philosphies (I'm 71, and have raised 4 children of my own) - so I range from Truby King, through Dr Spock, through all the others (through grandchildren) and NEVER have I heard of such a philosphy. We do NOT own our children - we are responsible for rearing them, for bringing them up with love, with manners - and it is hard - but you - well good luck when you have children of your own - I pity the poor little sods!

That came across too strongly. What I meant is that they are only going to turn into what you make them turn into. Children are able to be molded, manipulated and kept on the right track through various methods. You just have to know what makes them tick.

I see very little point in pandering to their whims. They are children - they need to be taught right from wrong, not gently soothed into knowing right from wrong. The only problem is that my approach is too direct for some people, and they worry. Either have a problematic child, or behave in a way that'll change it. It's not complex.

Children are relatively simple. They want something to occupy them, and the rest is something you should provide without a need for compromise, but the problems society has at the moment are those brought on by handling childhood like it's an egg being passed over the top of the eiffel tower. Your child will not break because you've got a distinct line (behaviour wise) that they are not to cross. They will be raised to respect and behave.

The hands-off-parenting, or soft approach hasn't exactly worked wonders for anyone that I've seen raised with it.

I have a neice and nephew. Neice was raised with distinct 'yes' and 'no', which would come with both reward and punishment depending which she acted upon. She's a very intelligent, well balanced 15 year old at the moment, and is far beyond her age in terms of maturity. She's basically a grown up.

Then the nephew. For some reason, his parents decided to adopt this new age "take them to the doctor for everything" "can't tell him off" "it's not his fault" malarkey. Now he's the spawn of the devil. Borderline psychopath. Entirely selfish and constantly does things he is told not to, but then says it's ok because you can't blame him, someone else must've done it. (You can watch him doing something, and he'll outright deny responsibility.) at the age of 12, there is obviously something very wrong.

Both raised in the same environments, just different parenting styles. The same has happened to various friends I have with children - some raised with clear guidelines and boundaries, other raised like blameless cherubs that have no consequences to their actions. It's wrong. It breeds criminals.

Admittedly, I veered off-topic slightly, but the 'you own your child' is technically correct. Nobody else does, and they're not responsible for themselves.

supermassive

notanewuser wrote: »

Sugar free sweets too. Assume you weren't around for the explosive diarrhoea they probably caused (not to mention future cancers).

Please don't give parenting advice again. Your variety is extremely dangerous.

How many bucket loads of sweets are we giving them for this? One sugar free sweet isn't going to have a massive effect other than the placebo.

Do give examples of cancer caused by sugar free sweets, too.

I think what's "extremely dangerous" is raising children without proper parenting skills to discipline and set boundaries. That results in adults with the same lack of respect, and they have places they're kept with bars on the windows.

thorsoak

supermassive wrote: »

That came across too strongly. What I meant is that they are only going to turn into what you make them turn into. Children are able to be molded, manipulated and kept on the right track through various methods. You just have to know what makes them tick.

I see very little point in pandering to their whims. They are children - they need to be taught right from wrong, not gently soothed into knowing right from wrong. The only problem is that my approach is too direct for some people, and they worry. Either have a problematic child, or behave in a way that'll change it. It's not complex.

Children are relatively simple. They want something to occupy them, and the rest is something you should provide without a need for compromise, but the problems society has at the moment are those brought on by handling childhood like it's an egg being passed over the top of the eiffel tower. Your child will not break because you've got a distinct line (behaviour wise) that they are not to cross. They will be raised to respect and behave.

The hands-off-parenting, or soft approach hasn't exactly worked wonders for anyone that I've seen raised with it.

I have a neice and nephew. Neice was raised with distinct 'yes' and 'no', which would come with both reward and punishment depending which she acted upon. She's a very intelligent, well balanced 15 year old at the moment, and is far beyond her age in terms of maturity. She's basically a grown up.

Then the nephew. For some reason, his parents decided to adopt this new age "take them to the doctor for everything" "can't tell him off" "it's not his fault" malarkey. Now he's the spawn of the devil. Borderline psychopath. Entirely selfish and constantly does things he is told not to, but then says it's ok because you can't blame him, someone else must've done it. (You can watch him doing something, and he'll outright deny responsibility.) at the age of 12, there is obviously something very wrong.

Both raised in the same environments, just different parenting styles. The same has happened to various friends I have with children - some raised with clear guidelines and boundaries, other raised like blameless cherubs that have no consequences to their actions. It's wrong. It breeds criminals.

Admittedly, I veered off-topic slightly, but the 'you own your child' is technically correct. Nobody else does, and they're not responsible for themselves.

Please ensure that your contraception is fail-safe until you grow up. You are in no position to give advice to a young mother who is trying her best to bring up a toddler - who is missing his daddy as well as coming to terms to having a sibling. Mum is doing her best doesn't need to waste time on such rubbish as that which you are spouting.

notanewuser

supermassive wrote: »

How many bucket loads of sweets are we giving them for this? One sugar free sweet isn't going to have a massive effect other than the placebo.

Do give examples of cancer caused by sugar free sweets, too.

I think what's "extremely dangerous" is raising children without proper parenting skills to discipline and set boundaries. That results in adults with the same lack of respect, and they have places they're kept with bars on the windows.

I agree with the principle of appropriate boundaries and discipline. The !!!! you're spouting is neither. I'd suggest some research into child psychology by people who actually understand the subject matter.

(You may like to research correlation not equalling causation to for your fabulous sample of 2).

supermassive

thorsoak wrote: »

Please ensure that your contraception is fail-safe until you grow up. You are in no position to give advice to a young mother who is trying her best to bring up a toddler - who is missing his daddy as well as coming to terms to having a sibling. Mum is doing her best doesn't need to waste time on such rubbish as that which you are spouting.

Not sure my contraception could be more fail safe. There are no vaginas involved for a start.

supermassive

notanewuser wrote: »

I agree with the principle of appropriate boundaries and discipline. The !!!! you're spouting is neither. I'd suggest some research into child psychology by people who actually understand the subject matter.

(You may like to research correlation not equalling causation to for your fabulous sample of 2).

You know nothing about me or my education, thank you. What I know on an academic level and what I know from experience are 2 different things as all children are different.

The fact that the kid misses his dad and is dealing with a new sibling is almost irrelevant. These things will resolve themselves in time, but the thing to do right now is make sure there's very little tolerance for this behaviour to become a regular habit.

supermassive

Thought I'd stumbled onto the mumsnet !!!!! for a second, had to check what website I was on. Seems the breed has spread to other parts of the internet.