We all need to be heard for a little while.

mellymoo74

Rargh so OH is the one who calmed her down waited with her for the ambulance. We were there until gone 11 last night before sorting out her cat, finally walking my dogs so it was gone 1 before I could sit.
OH didn't get to bed till gone 4 so am letting him sleep called the hospital and have had the brush off they won't even tell me if she will be in there today call SIL they said.
Am angry

SingleSue

Tentatively popping my head up from behind the wall.....hi everyone!

I've been lurking for a little while on the other thread except I started from the beginning and haven't reached the end yet, so will be out of touch on recent news. Unfortunately, I can't start at the end or just pick up on a thread, I have to start from the beginning and read everything and then progress forward. Might have to force myself this time though as that thread is huge!

A bit about me, have struggled with my mental health for a long time, had a major breakdown in 2005 and although outwardly I now appear normal, most of that is because I became a single parent in late 2005 and I got so much stress from all sides regarding my mental health and the children, that once I was sort of on the road to recovery from my breakdown, I never mentioned my mental health again to those in the medical profession for fear of the boys being taken away.

I still have my black days (I tend to describe my moods in colours), am quite isolated in real life, partly because of panic attacks in social situations (although that has improved in recent times) and partly because of the boy's disabilities. I can be very OCD about certain things which unfortunately, has increased in recent years, particularly when my moods are turning darker...it is one of my markers that my mental health is declining and I need to take stock and turn myself around.

I find it hard to let people in, the walls I have built around me are now pretty much indestructable, I have various personas for various online and offline situations, so very few, if any, know the real me...I hide the real me blooming well, the real me who is so plagued by doubt, by lack of confidence, lack of self esteem, the feeling of wanting to hide away in my house.

My curtains in the house are always closed, friends and relatives thought it was because the house was very cluttered and I was happy to go along with that idea and eventually believed it.....until I decluttered and still couldn't open the curtains. I tried it for a short while but I felt very exposed, so they shut again and have remained so.

Eeek, doing this post is making me feel very exposed too, now thinking twice about posting it up.....so if it does go up and then disappear or stuff is edited, you know I have thought again about it! Now fighting the tears and panic feeling quit exposed.

That's it, being brave and pressing submit...for now.

Edit - Really feeling uncomfortable now but trying to remain strong and not edit stuff out or delete. Time to go back to the other thread for a while to stop myself.

Joanthebone

Hi SingleSue, I lurk a lot, on here and NP, your thread is brave, good for you! I know the lovelies on here will help you and I am sure just posting that will help you, of course, if you edit or delete (I do it all the time) no one will mind, they will understand, sometimes its just good to 'get it out there' even if its only for a little while!

mellymoo74

Hi Newbies I am new too.

Can't eat tried. Tired OH is in physical and emotional pain, he's gone to sort out the cat when he gets back I will have to sort his back out.
SIL claiming hospital won't tell her anything either.

AntoMac

Hi mellymoo sorry you are having tough times with MIL,

My Mum was in hospital for 6 months a few years back. I don't know how we coped with regular visits and work/family etc. Was best part of an hour each way to the hospital but these things don't go on for ever even if it feels like it at the time. Mum had a number of infections and spoke a lot of nonsense, including insisting that she was dead.

She's OK now and we laugh about it now, even though it was a living nightmare at the time so know how you feel.

Hope things are better for you soon.

By the way, next door's cat is called Melly. When I'm feeding her while they're away (and noone else but me and her can hear) I call her Mellymoo. You're not next door's cat are you?

lostinrates

Hi sue. hi Joan:)

Joanthebone

Hi lir, I might post a bit more on the new thread. I feel I am getting to know people a little better now.


Thinking seriously about getting a cat, its been a long time and I do miss having a furry friend about the place. It would be nice to have someone to talk to instead of just me!

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello new people! Welcome, welcome! I am so glad that people are feeling brave enough to post now, this new thread was a good idea! (Thank you MSE Towers for making it happen).

Look after you melly, that is important, too.

I feel exposed without the windows covered too, Sue. I barely peep out and then it is night time when I hope I can't be seen. The funny part is I am on the first floor, do I think people are going to use a ladder?

You have a lot on your plate, Mrs Ryan. II share the same disorders with your husband and yourself (I am just greedy, I want everything) so if I can ever help or just lend an ear I promise I will understand a little of what you are both going through.

Big announcement of the day! It snowed! I was up at 4am watching it and put my hand out of the window to catch the flakes! Everywhere is white and pretty and I am happy!

On the subject of smiling at people you don't know, it can also really help the other person. If more than say 5 people are around (less in an enclosed space) I am always peeping out from under a blanket but if someone smiles at me it makes me feel a whole lot safer. I can even manage to raise the blanket sometimes and smile back. I love when random people smile at me.

Today's issue is one of paranoia and confidentiality. My teacher friend is an author with his own blog and often reviews others books. I was reading through it last night and he had reviewed a book written by someone who sadly had an awful childhood. He had written that it reminded him of a girl he helped 30 years ago when he was headmaster (he named the school) who suffered various types of abuse (which he listed) and had a dysfunctional family who she cared for until her parents took their lives. He went on to state that the girl got herself out of it and got a first class psychology degree and a job in mental health but then developed schizophrenia and started a new battle. He also put that she had decided she couldn't have children because she was so unwell and had never been able to work again. He also stated that he become involved in my care when I was a child and came to think of me as the daughter he never had (which is very sweet but it does identify me to the people who knew us back then).

Now...he doesn't say my name. But he does state the timeframe and the school and where it was located. Also he is still in contact with a lot of the staff from back then who knew he all but adopted me, they did not know that schizophrenia followed or anything about me over the age of 16. They read his blog...

I am not sure whether I am being overly paranoid or am right to be panicking about this. He won't for a minute have thought that it might upset me, which will be why he didn't mention it. He is also very proud of me and believes I shouldn't be ashamed of how my life has turned out and his post did imply I had been through so much and was still here and wasn't that great? To show how he did this innocently he has never understood why I wouldn't publish my book under my own name. He feels I should be proud to be me and let the world know who I am.

He is forgetting about my rampant paranoia, PTSD and anxiety, though. There are two papers written about me out there but they cover specific types of treatment and give no identifying details, I feel like he sort of summed up my life in a paragraph and if you knew us both back then, it's obvious that it's me. This thread doesn't make me paranoid because I am just words on a page but people who actually knew me could recognise me from his description. EEEEEK! The thing is although I know it's wrong I am ashamed. I am ashamed that that I failed my parents, ashamed I developed schizophrenia, ashamed I wasn't well enough to have a child and ashamed that I had to give up the job I loved. I don't want other staff from that time knowing what happened in my later life, it makes me feel like a huge failure and as if I let down everyone who tried to help me. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Also, it feels hugely different if I choose to speak about my life here rather than coming across a blog post about me that I had no idea had been written.

Do I do anything or try to pretend it isn't out there? The fact is the people who knew me have probably read it by now and the author he reviewed put it on her own blog and then advertised the review on Twitter and Facebook so it is probably too late to hide it...

Pyxis

Hello,everyone and especially hello to Adindas, SingleSue, and AntoMac. Nice to see you again, Joanthebone!

Phew what a tiring day! Achieved a fair bit, although none of it in the house. I'd been putting off doing a couple of things, as they involved a drive of several miles, but today I was meeting some colleagues for a coffee at a venue even further but in that direction. So I had coffee (and cake) with them, then went to hand deliver a letter, then went to collect some new glasses from the optician (they were ready at Christmas, but I was away, then ill), and while I was in this shopping street, not one I'd usually go to as it's quite a drive away, trawled through all the charity shops,and picked up a few tops! Then on the way home did a minor detour and stopped off at a retail park to buy an amplifier for my ukulele, and a new music stand. Finally filled up with petrol while it's still cheap, and then drove home. A forty-mile round trip, but achieved a lot!

Now in bed, shattered, watching a recording of Father Brown and eating cheese and biscuits with a bottle of yummy orange ale!


SingleSue, don't worry, you are not exposed. No-one has a clue who you are, or where you are. If it helps, it took me several weeks of general chitchat on here before I started letting a few things be known, so you've done very well!
Regarding your curtains, have you thought of getting those wooden Venetian blinds? They would allow you to see out, but no-one could see in. If cost is a factor, Wilkinson used to do some very economical plastic Venetian blinds...I've got some at one window.... which allow the same sort of privacy whilst giving a view out.


Edit sorry WaS, crossed posts.

Pyxis

Thought this page could do with a picture!

Was zooming around google earth and thought what an unusual view of Earth this was, seen with a central Antarctica! And beautiful!