We all need to be heard for a little while.

Pyxis

I echo everything that JM has said! (Being a 5:2 afficionada myself!)

The health aspect has definitely overtaken the weight loss element. I still have 2stone to lose, but the health benefits are the important things for me, which is why this is a regime for life.

I think if you stress the health aspect, backing it up with the family history, and maybe suggesting seeing the GP together?
There must be some underlying reasons why such a thin man ballooned, so maybe they could be addressed, too?

Getting the GP's support will be affirming, too, reinforcing the health aspects, rather than the 'I am weak with no self-control' aspect.

Stress the fact that it's not criticism, that you love him, and are seriously worried. Stress that you will do this together. Even if you don't need to lose weight, eating very, very healthily would benefit you both.
Possibly agree some 'rules' about the purchase of junk/fattening food, but stressing that if he falls off the wagon, it's important to admit it, and he won't be criticised for it, just helped a bit more.

Maybe also keep a food diary, and share it with each other every evening, again without reproach if it goes pear-shaped, maybe even discussing what he was feeling when he made the decision to buy the junk food.

And lots of reassurance and reaffirmation of love and support.

Pyxis

mellymoo74

They think it was a tia will know more later in week when they do tests.

My eye drooped which is new that's why they thought tia not usual hemiplegia.
Need to rest (however I am at work tomorrow rent doesn't pay itself)

Georgiegirl256

codemonkey wrote: »

I get why you're asking this. It's a difficult one - you're worried about his health and your relationship. But the concept of fat is so negative. It depends on the kind of person your DH is. Personally, I'd be so upset if my DH said anything to me, it'd send me into a binging cycle that would just make things so much worse. I know I'm fat. I see it in the mirror. I feel it in my clothes. I see it in the bigger clothes I need to buy. I'm ashamed of myself. I don't need DH to tell me. And everytime I start a diet and fail at it, it just chips away at my sense of worth, and if DH was to tell me he didn't find me attractive, well...you can see where this is leading.

So, last year, I was gaining weight and complaining about it. DH insisted we started doing the shopping together and said he didn't want to buy junk food anymore as he was eating it instead of dinner. This pushed some buttons in my head, as I know DH and healthy eating isn't exactly at the top of his agenda (with the history of heart disease in his family, it really should be, but that's an issue for another day). So I came straight out with it. Was he doing this to get me to lose weight? He broke down pretty quickly under questioning (he'd be a terrible spy) and admitted that he was sick of hearing me complain about the weight gain, and then eating junk food. So I explained that the fact that I was gaining weight wasn't exactly news to me, that a lot of it was down to the medication, but that the weight gain from that was destroying my self-esteem and making me comfort eat a bit, and that him trying to manipulate me into losing weight, no matter how well-meant, wasn't going to work. Then I went and cried and tried very hard not to stuff food in my big, fat, worthless, unattractive face. I think he understood a little better after that.

You see, the times when I've been successful at losing weight, I've really wanted to do it and been determined. It's almost like a switch has to be tripped to make it work. When I've tried for DH, or when I'm not really in 'that place' (that sounds stupid), I fail and then I feel worse and gain more weight because I comfort eat. It's all a very delicate balance and I need to be coming at it from a strong place. I also do better when I don't tell people in real life that I'm on a diet, as I feel they're judging me ("She says she's on a diet but she doesn't look any thinner"). At the moment, what's working for me is a fear that I'll be humiliated on the plane by having to have different seat (extra legroom seats are much narrower and you can't sit there if you're really fat).

There are some things you can do though. Shopping with DH has helped a bit because I can't hide junk food and I have been slightly shamed into buying less of it now - I limit the shopping trips I do without DH. You could maybe suggest that you want to get into shape a bit (not as obviously as my DH's efforts) and ask him to come walking with you. If you cook, you can make healthier options and give him smaller portions without making a big deal of it. Above all, you need to support him, give him love and ultimately, don't fat shame him, even if that means you don't tell him you don't find him as attractive. I'm not one of these people that believe in telling the truth at all times - sometimes a white lie to save someone's feelings is better than a harsh truth that will hurt them (although if DH was wearing an outfit that is terrible, I'd tell him).

This has turned into a bit of an essay. Sorry.

Thank you so much code, that's just what I needed to hear!

I do the main part of the shopping, and we go together on a Friday, and he'll go on his own on a Saturday when he goes to see his Mam. It doesn't help shopping together, he just puts loads of junk in anyhow (if I gently remind him, then I'm nagging) and then does the old "oh that, it must have jumped off the shelf" routine.

The thing is, he really does not have a big appetite regarding actual food, it's snacks and sweets he has the problem with. Me, I'll quite often have a big portion, go back for seconds and mop the gravy up with bread! He'll have a small portion and leave any he doesn't want. He can portion control that, why can't he do the same with cakes and sweets? His problem is is that he has a very sweet tooth. At night, he snacks constantly, and it's not in moderation either. Whereas I'll maybe have a couple of biscuits, he could happily eat the whole pack, washed down by a milkshake, and then a magnum for good measure. That is not every night, or even every week, but you get the jist?

Regarding giving honest answers. If I ask someone a question, I would expect an honest answer, otherwise what's the point in asking the question? I'm not a total b*tch though, I just believe in being honest! I also believe in taking someone's feelings into account too though, I'd hate to upset someone. There's ways and means, it's a tough one. Thankfully he's never came out and asked me any questions regarding his weight yet. After reading what you've put above though, I will take your advice on board. It's good to see it from another perspective, thank you.

Georgiegirl256

Errata wrote: »

Perhaps the best approach could be the one that medics use. No emotion involved, just lots of solid evidence about the already existing damaging amount of fat surrounding vital organs, already damaged hips, knees and ankles, pressure on lungs, and all that evidence supported by the most graphic pictures of it on the net.

Pyxis wrote: »

I echo everything that JM has said! (Being a 5:2 afficionada myself!)

The health aspect has definitely overtaken the weight loss element. I still have 2stone to lose, but the health benefits are the important things for me, which is why this is a regime for life.

I think if you stress the health aspect, backing it up with the family history, and maybe suggesting seeing the GP together?
There must be some underlying reasons why such a thin man ballooned, so maybe they could be addressed, too?

Getting the Gps support will be affirming, too, reinforcing the health aspects, rather than the 'I am weak with no self-control' aspect.

Stress the fact that it's not criticism, that you love him, and are seriously worried. Stress that you will do this together. Even if you don't need to lose weight, eating very, very healthily would benefit you both.
Possibly agree some 'rules' about the purchase of junk/fattening food, but stressing that if he falls off the wagon, it's important to admit it, and he won't be criticised for it, just helped a bit more.

Maybe also keep a food diary, and share it with each other every evening, again without reproach if it goes pear-shaped, maybe even discussing what he was feeling when he made the decision to buy the junk food.

And lots of reassurance and reaffirmation of love and support.

Tried it all. If we've watched a programme that has someone really overweight in (one of these health, food or hospital programmes) he'll be like "yeah, I know I've got to do something, I don't want to end up like that", he talks about how he worries because of the heart problems in his family etc....an hour later, he's forgot what he said and he's snacking away again.

He tried the 5:2 diet once, lasted maybe 2 months max, lost a stone, gave up, put it all back on plus more.

He got checked out when he went tot he docs, cholestorol high so put on statins. The reason why he's ballooned Pyxis is pure and simple. Taking in more calories than he is burning off. He's got a sedentary desk job, and although he's came hiking with me the last couples of times, he does no exercise at all, and then literally snack snack snack all night.

I know how exasperated he must have felt when I didn't have the willpower to give up smoking time and time again now.

Anyhow, thanks all for your advice, that's what's great about this thread!

Georgiegirl256

mellymoo74 wrote: »

They think it was a tia will know more later in week when they do tests.

My eye drooped which is new that's why they thought tia not usual hemiplegia.
Need to rest (however I am at work tomorrow rent doesn't pay itself)

Hugs Melly x x

Can you not phone in sick? Your health is very important, and it sounds like you need to rest up and take it easy for a change.

Solarjunkie

Georgie, sounds like he might be one of the ones helped by hypnosis. The idea being, yes you eat, but you eat when you are definitely hungry, not bored, tired, or whatever. The hypnosis can help to reinforce that.
Best of luck.

Pyxis

Solarjunkie wrote: »

Georgie, sounds like he might be one of the ones helped by hypnosis. The idea being, yes you eat, but you eat when you are definitely hungry, not bored, tired, or whatever. The hypnosis can help to reinforce that.
Best of luck.

That's a good idea!

Georgiegirl256

Solarjunkie wrote: »

Georgie, sounds like he might be one of the ones helped by hypnosis. The idea being, yes you eat, but you eat when you are definitely hungry, not bored, tired, or whatever. The hypnosis can help to reinforce that.
Best of luck.

Thanks SJ Sounds interesting, I'll mention it to him!

mellymoo74

I contract Georgie if I'm not there no pay xx