We all need to be heard for a little while.

dragonette

Thanks Tea and Georgie I ended up going to look after my ex bf and we had a long nap curled up together. I get how weird that sounds, but it was lovely (and platonic)

I'm used to people having hot meals at work, but we worked outside! A bag of sprouts in the kitchen is pretty unusual, and pretty unpleasant!

Waves_and_Smiles

I have a problem, help!

In November Milliefleur is having a joint birthday party with her sister in Yorkshire and really wants me to be there. She has offered to pay for petrol, our hotel fees and all of our food and drink. They are going to hire a hall and invite all of the family, there are hundreds of them.

Not only does this mean I have to meet BIL for the first time in years, it means me surrounded by people, with a disco and and having to talk to a lot of people! My initial reaction was no way in Hell but it is a bit more complicated than that.

First of all Milliefleur really wants me there. She told me she will sit in a corner with me and hold my hand and we can go outside whenever it gets too overwhelming for me. The other problem is it means WaSp will be in Yorkshire for 3 days. I am not sure that I trust myself enough to be left alone for that long and it breaks my care plan. If I have a psychotic episode without anyone here it would be very dangerous, nevermind my memory and mobility problems. I had agreed with my social worker that under these circumstances I would admit myself for respite care which first of all I don't want to do and secondly Milliefleur wouldn't understand why I have opted for that rather than be with her. Plus Milliefleur is 92, she may not be having many more parties and I am not sure if I could live with myself if I didn't go and something happened to her afterwards.

But how on earth am I going to cope with a disco swarming with people? This is my worse nightmare! I can't sit under a blanket in a hall of relative strangers! Also music triggers the voices so that is going to be very bad. This could make me very ill very quickly and a psychotic episode in the middle of the party would likely result in a hospital admittance, nevermind ruining Milliefleur's evening.

I have no idea what to do.

tea_lover

WaS, I really hope you take this the right way (I'm sure you will!) but I think it's incredibly unfair of her to put you in this position. A visit to see her is one thing but this is a full on party weekend! Smacks a bit of emotional blackmail.

tea_lover

Also, who has a disco anymore?? Especially when they're 92!

Waves_and_Smiles

I don't take it the wrong way at all tea, I feel very pressurised. WaSp feels he has to go which I understand, I am the huge spanner in the works here. I can ask for respite care for the weekend but I would hate every minute because again it's a strange place full of strangers and Wasp has said he will feel awful if I do that because he feels like he's letting me down, but he doesn't want to let his mum down either and he is the one who will be driving her to Yorkshire anyway. I have about 3 months to find a solution because if I want respite I am going to have request it months in advance.

Right now, I feel like the rock around everyone's neck. This would all be so much easier without me in the way. All I am thinking of as a possible solution right now is that I go and stay in the hotel room all weekend? I hate the fact that I am complicating this for everyone but I am honestly not sure that I can stay in my flat alone for 3 days. It is a huge risk and WaSp won't enjoy himself at all for worrying about me. I am completely in the way.

Georgiegirl256

Such a difficult situation WaS. If it's for 3 days, is it possible to go, but not go to the actual party itself, but instead just have a meal for just you, WaSp, Milliefleur and her sister on another day? That way you're there celebrating her birthday, but also having a little break away too.

I agree with tea though, a disco at 92? The little raver!

Waves_and_Smiles

That is about all I can think of, Georgie. I go to Yorkshire but I stay in the hotel room for the party night. How on earth I am going to make the 7 hour drive is another issue, of course. All I can think of is ask my psychiatrist if there is a medication we can increase or add to totally knock myself out for it and for most of the weekend.

elsien

I think you need to be honest with MIL about how the party and the music are likely to affect you. She obviously hasn't fully understood if she thinks sitting in a corner holding your hand is going to make it all ok.
Is it the travel time that means he needs to be there for 3 days, or can he shorten it? And what's the least worst option if it comes to it - respite, or staying in the hotel room with WasP popping back and fore? Can you drive overnight in the dark to make it easier?
Think compromise on all sides and damage limitation. Realistically, how can you get together with MiL for lunch somewhere - picnic in a hotel room if all else seems too much, but it's ok and reasonable to say no to the full party experience given your circumstances.

Waves_and_Smiles

He can't shorten the travel time because he is the only person in the south with a car, he is Millielfleur's transport to Yorkshire and back. I would prefer sitting in the hotel room to respite because I am not sure if respite itself might make me ill, again it is a strange place with people I don't know and whole new experience. In terms of the latter it might be better if I asked if I could be admitted to hospital for 3 days but I have no idea if that would even be considered. I suppose if my social worker could arrange carers over the weekend to do the 4 hour checks may work but I doubt there is funding for that. It just feels like whichever option I take I am going to relapse and/or ruin Milliefleur's and Wasp's weekend.

elsien

You're not going to ruin their weekend. If you decide not to go, as long as he knows you're safe, Wasp will be fine. He's a big boy, he can manage to see his family on his own if necessary. Yes, they'd prefer you there, but once Mil has her family around her she'll be too caught up in the moment enjoying herself. And do you really think either of them want it make you ill?
I think maybe Mil is worrying about you feeling left out if you don't go, without considering all the other aspects, while you're busy worrying about how she might feel! How about you both stop worrying about what the other thinks and do what is right for you?