We all need to be heard for a little while.

Waves_and_Smiles

You have a point there, elsien. My main concern is ruining it for Milliefleur and Wasp, I feel like a huge burden right now. If I attempt to take the emotion out of it staying in the hotel room seems the best option. I am still going to have problems with the journey but they are possibly surmountable if I can just drug myself to manage it. I feel so annoyed at myself because I am not sure that I can manage 3 days alone. I will be more anxious which is likely to lead to a psychotic episode and worse memory problems, plus my social worker wouldn't be happy if she ever found out. I don't say this often but just why can't I be an ordinary person? I annoy myself.

Amusingly, the disco part is typical Milliefleur. She will dance and get drunk and party all night. I love her for the fact she is like this, it just makes it very difficult for me. She is able to do more than I can! If we can manage a quiet celebration with just her, Wasp and I over the weekend it will be much easier. Somehow I have to avoid BIL turning up because he is a trigger to me. Literally being his presence makes the psychosis far worse. When I used to see him I would take extra anti-psychotics beforehand and still need to lock myself in the bathroom because I was having anxiety attacks. I really need to avoid him as much as possible.

elsien

I think you're right to discount the 3 days alone option. You not only risk your physical health, but also your care plan which is working for you at the moment.
Wasp and Mil love the person that you are. And for good or bad, your previous experiences have made you that person. Hang onto that when you're beating yourself up about not being normal.

tea_lover

From previous posts about BIL I think he'd be a trigger for anyone! He'd trigger my fist.

Waves_and_Smiles

The thing with being alone for the 3 days if something does go wrong and my social worker finds out I am not quite sure what her reaction would be. It has been made clear to me over the years that the only reason I am not in a residential setting is because I have WaSp with me and I follow my care plan. I would really prefer not to rock the boat on that one, the very least it could result in would be carers checking on me far more regularly throughout the day, the worse is I would lose my independence.

The one thing I have said to WaSp is if I go then BIL does not travel with us. I have no idea how he will get to Yorkshire but it can't be in the same car as me. After 7 hours of being with him Wasp may as well drop me off at the local hospital and I wish I was exaggerating. I really cannot bear to be in his presence for that long, he is a huge psychological trigger for me.

Hahahahaha! Ok, that made me laugh, tea!

elsien

I think many of us can think of a few family members we try to avoid like the plague, although BIL is probably in a class of his own.

(I used to use shift work to avoid family dos some are great and some are ones where I'd rather walk across hot coals. And I'm supposedly normal! )

Waves_and_Smiles

The fact BIL has a record of violence when he is drunk is a huge problem for me and he is always drunk. The last time I saw him he ended up punching a total stranger in a pub because the guy spoke to me and insisted he did it to defend me! The police were called and we all got banned from the pub. This resulted in him crying, throwing things against walls and self-harming in front of me afterwards and then trying to kiss me. He then threw up all over my carpet, then cut his wrist (not badly) and said look what I made him do before passing out. I was the idiot who then turned him onto his side into the recovery position and sat up all night making sure he was ok and didn't choke on his own vomit. It was the last of many similar incidents over the years.

WaSp had left because BIL had previously tried to punch him and WaSp walked away before he retaliated and slept at work all night which then caused problems between us because I was livid that Wasp had left me alone with him. After that I told WaSp I wouldn't see BIL again. I honestly cannot be around him, so if I go he is going to have get a train to Yorkshire, I am adamant on that.

tea_lover

Stay adamant on that one WaS xx.

Waves_and_Smiles

I shall, the other problem is BIL tends to follow me around like a puppy and tells me how wonderful I am and how awful his life is constantly while getting more and more drunk and aggressive. This also happened while he was married. It may have changed since I haven't seen him for 7 years but I really do not want to find out one way or another. No matter what happens if I go to this weekend he needs to stay/be kept away from me.

whitewing

WaS,

Is your teacher friend en route? Could you be dropped off there and picked up on the way home?

I'd be tempted to go along with the idea for the minute because the chances are that her plans will change anyway. For example, the venue may be full with pre-Christmas bookings etc.

codemonkey

WaS, I think the best option atm is to go to Yorkshire and stay in the room providing BIL can be kept far from you (I think the best option really would be for millefleur to arrange alternative transport and you and WaSP stay home really, but I think you'd feel too guilty). You've made so much progress lately that I'd hate it to be derailed because you pushed it too far just to please millefleur who is being very unfair putting this pressure on you. Even the journey is going to be hard on you and you're questioning your own self-worth already.

As an aside, I am still feeling terrible about earlier events. I hate to think I hurt someone's feelings.