We all need to be heard for a little while.

calleyw

Pyxis wrote: »

Calley, would you perhaps consider having some refresher lessons with an instructor in a dual-controlled car? That way, you could get your driving assessed, which will, hopefully, reassure you that you're not driving dangerously? There may even be some instructors that specialise in people with driving fears.

An alternative would be to have a driving assessment with an advanced driving instructor, in your own car. You could explain your fears, and he/she could then see if your fears are groundless. They may also have some tips about the getting angry thing. I had an assessment about 4years ago, to see if I'd got into any bad habits, and I picked up some good tips!

I know deep down I am probably no worse than anyone else. But thats not what my brain is telling me.

Money is a major issues. And I will run out soon which will mean pushing myself back in to work before I am ready to. But thats another story. And one that I don't want to think about to much at the moment.

Yours

Calley

tea_lover

Strange weekend for me. Saturday was the 4 year anniversary of us moving in. Really didn't think that 4 years later FOH would be planning to move out (currently planned for weekend after next). It was also the 2 year anniversary of losing our babies. That weekend was very much the beginning of the end for me - FOH went cycling in Scotland for four days while dealt with a m/c and the IVF after-effects. He didn't get in touch the whole time he was away and when he got back he refused to accept that anything had happened. Things were never the same after that. I forgave a lot over the last ten years but that behaviour changed my feelings towards him.

Having said that, am struggling today with the thought of him going. Last night he said he shouldn't have rushed into making things so permanent (we absolutely needed a break, but he pushed to sort the house out straight away), and that he could have made a massive mistake. Bit late now!

It would be so easy to call a halt to all of this, but I know that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I know this is beyond lame but I was thinking about when Monica from Friends split up with Richard - they loved each other, but wanted different things from life. I'm telling myself that doing this horribly hard thing now is giving me a chance to find my Chandler (and yes, I know that isn't real lol). I don't want to be an afterthought anymore, I want to be a priority.

But oh this is hard.

calleyw

Relationships are never easy.

You have to do what is right for you. I am in love with someone. We have tried so many times over the last 3 years. Its both of our faults. He was never ready and kept coming back and I let him.

I would never tell anyone some of stuff that happened between us but people would be shocked at the way he has behaved and treated me and I still love him. I know stupid.

Yours

Calley

Stoodles

Finding the right person is so hard - but fantastic when it happens. I'm in no doubt that it is better to be single than unhappily paired. Mind you , I love and crave being alone, so it's easier for me to say than for most.

But I have been fortunate finally to have met him, though it took lots of hard pushing by my friends to get me to risk it. We've been married 11 years and he is a good man. They are out there.

I've had the pain of loosing a much wanted baby, combined with knowing there was something else going on for my other half at the time. It's vey lonely, isn't it?

Georgiegirl256

Stoodles wrote: »

Calley - how long have you felt worried about your driving, and the need to check things so much? It sounds like a way to express your need for control and safety.

I think Stoodles has hit the nail on the head here Calley.

I'm prone to having OCD tendencies, I've never been diagnosed, because it's never been that bad that it's got in the way of day to day life. But, it is worse when I'm overly tired and stressed and anxious and I think for me, it most definetly is a way of feeling in control.

*penguin* When my Uncle took his own life, it set of a lot of anxiety in me and caused me to have panic attacks....especially when driving. We'd only seen him a few days before for his 70th birthday, laughing and joking like always, and then he was gone. I'll always remember that night coming home from work and DH told me to sit down as he had some bad news for me. My first thought was that it was my Dad who'd just come out of hospital for a minor operation the day before but no, it was to say that my Uncle had hung himself. That was something beyond anyone's control, and I think that's why it sparked the need to feel in control.

After that, I'd have panic attacks when driving, especially when I came to busy junctions and couldn't get out for ages (not in control) and when I had to come to a stop on a steep hill, I had this fear of rolling backwards (again, not in control) This went on for a few months until I couldn't take it anymore and realised if I didn't do something, I'd become totally fearful of driving, when I had once enjoyed it so much.

Obviously, I'm no health care professional and what works for one won't work for another, but I found the only way to work through it was to actually go out and face these junctions, these hills sometimes on my own and sometimes with someone there, and use relaxation techniques and to tell myself that I was ok, and nothing was going to happen. I made myself do it because I knew if I didn't, I'd develop a real fear of driving, which is no good when you live in a place full of hills like I do!

I definitely think that when we feel out of control in one area of our lives, it infringes on another. *end of very long penguin*

That went on for longer than I intended sorry!

calleyw

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I think Stoodles has hit the nail on the head here Calley.

I'm prone to having OCD tendencies, I've never been diagnosed, because it's never been that bad that it's got in the way of day to day life. But, it is worse when I'm overly tired and stressed and anxious and I think for me, it most definetly is a way of feeling in control.

I never use to have OCD tendencies.
I am farmers daugther and growing up use to love to get muddy and ditry and even worked for a year with my dad getting mess and oily.

I can trace the contamination one back to when I was about 17/18 years old. I thought I had mud on my shoe and and prodded it with my finger. It was cat mess and I was stuck in a college class. And I thought all sorts of horrible things were going to happen. I was going to go blind or get worms!!!! Things got so bad that I was getting contact dermatitis.

The checking plug things happened because at the age of 21 my parents had a fire in there bed room. Turned out to be a faulty lamp. Thank goodness it was in the during the day. It wrecked there bedroom but they were ok. But I had left home and fallen out with my parents. So it took them weeks to tell me. And then it was casually mentioned in passing when I phoned them to see how they were.

Yours

Calley

Georgiegirl256

It's bound to be strange tea, and very very sad too. Which ever way you look at it, it's an end of an era.

But, him off cycling in Scotland and not getting in touch for days is just not right at all, and that would have done it for me too. That is a total lack of respect and lack of caring about not just another humans feelings, but your partners who you've been with for many years. I know for some people that's how they deal with things, by shutting off and going away, but that's when the rot would have started to set in for me as well.

Do you think he even has the capability to ever change the way he is? I'm not suggesting you back peddle now though....your Chandler Bing is out there!

jobbingmusician

tea - yes, it's the end of an era. But if it is meant to be, it will be. What you need is a break for now, and to learn to be yourself again


calley - I wonder if it would help you to replay the day of the cat poo. Because obviously as an adult we would all hope to have the social skills to walk out of the room and wash our hands - I feel that if you had confidence that now you are a grown up, you have skills not to suffer long periods of contamination like that, it might help you with day to day door handles and things like that. It does feel as if having confidence in your own skills might help to reassure your inner fears about germs - is that too naïve of me?

tea_lover

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Do you think he even has the capability to ever change the way he is? I'm not suggesting you back peddle now though....your Chandler Bing is out there!

Honestly, no. Which I find really sad, mainly for his sake. I know he's not happy, he readily admits that. He also admits that he doesn't like how he behaves, that he knows he drives people away etc. He very much self-sabotages. He has a very confident (verging on almost arrogant at times) front, but it really is a front. He has cripplingly low self esteem.

It feels to me like he punishes anyone that cares about him - as if he can't understand why anyone would ever see anything good in him, so in his mind that makes them stupid so he loses respect for them.

He's said many times that he just doesn't know how to 'do normal'. We really did want the same things - to be a family, to be a real support to each other etc - but when he gets what he wanted he panics and wrecks it.

I think he's been hugely affected by his dad leaving, and losing contact with him for over 20 years, but he won't accept that at all.

I feel so sorry for him. I know this sounds big-headed but I really don't think he'll ever find anyone who loves him as much as I do, who puts him first, who would do anything to make him happy - but nothing was ever enough. And the horrible thing is that he can see that but he doesn't understand why he can't let himself be happy. He puts this big wall around himself, hits out at anyone that dares come close to it, then sits inside it and wonders why he's on his own.

Ok... it's clearly going to be a long ramble kind of day... brace yourselves :rotfl:.

ETA: I'm not at all saying that it's all his fault, to be clear! I can be a complete nightmare at times, I'm fully aware of that lol.

Stoodles

tea_lover wrote: »

It feels to me like he punishes anyone that cares about him - as if he can't understand why anyone would ever see anything good in him, so in his mind that makes them stupid so he loses respect for them.

I know this sounds big-headed but I really don't think he'll ever find anyone who loves him as much as I do, who puts him first, who would do anything to make him happy - but nothing was ever enough.

How much have you thought about putting yourself first and doing anything to make yourself happy?

You have thought long and hard about him and his needs, haven't you? I don't know all the story, obviously. Has he been willing to try some sort of counselling, to improve things for both of you? If not, then it does sound like the end is for the best.

I think we have to accept others for what they are - once past our mid twenties we only change if we put work into it, and we can't change them.