We all need to be heard for a little while.

System

whitewing wrote: »

MU, you do sound a bit confused about it all. Why are the family shutting you out (if that is what they are doing?)

I wish i knew.

I don;t think they do it intentionally (at least i hope not), i just feel sometimes they don't think if that makes sense? I guess they've gotten so used to me being away and being independent, it doesn't always occur to them i'd like to be included more. I'm going to give my mum a ring soon and try and talk things over. I find it difficult that my 3 siblings are all really close to each other. Im 6, 9 and 10 years older than them, so i guess its to be expected (plus technically they are my half siblings, but tbh that has never been an issue for me or them, i don;t think anyway). I wish i was closer to them, i'd hoped that once we were all adults we'd have a closer bond.

whitewing

I think you are right MU, you need to tell them. In my experience, it can take a while for people to absorb and react to what you mention to them, and their initial reactions may not reflect what they then do in the long term. (My family needs a few weeks usually to decide that they thought of it themselves).

I have been thinking quite a lot lately about agoraphobia. I have (or "choose") to have an aisle seat at a theatre, cinema or conference. I hate driving to the extent that I currently refuse to do it which infuriates my DH. The driving issue is partly to do with fear of how people will react if I break down/have an accident etc. I have been considering getting CBT or something because it is now having an effect on my marriage. (I am upset because DH is starting to make 'you could drive yourself' comments: I know this is because he doesn't feel well but I feel shoved out of his life).

Today at martial arts, I properly caught something that had been thrown in my general direction. This is probably the first time in three decades that I have caught something that wasn't a disease! In fact, my grandfather used to strop at me that I was 'too slow to catch a cold'. It is quite an achievement considering I only started going when gingernutty(?) was talking about joining singing lessons. We also practised moving through a crowd without bumping into each other. It apparently improves spatial awareness.So I got back home and started googling about martial arts/self defence and it is making me wonder if I will be able to harness the skills that I practise in my classes to actually help me start driving again this summer. (I haven't driven for probably two years). Even as a passenger, I am not too great. I nearly got out of the car in the middle of a major roundabout in Birmingham city centre a few years ago.

Anyway, these are big thoughts for this time of night, so I will leave it here for now.

Pyxis

Here is the usual repost....

Pyxis wrote: »

.........:starmod:......................................................................:starmod:.....................
Here is the suggested THREAD ETIQUETTE. By following this etiquette, all posters, whether new or existing, will feel safe, unpressured and respected..

- This is a thread for support. We have discovered some good friends on here, but we promise always to welcome and include new people, and not to be cliquey.

- People may make suggestions to help each other, and might even ask if the suggestions were helpful or have been carried out, but we'll really try not to nag each other or put too much pressure on.

- The normal board rules about sexism, racism, homophobia etc. apply, but if we are careful we should be able to discuss almost anything without breaching board rules - so far we have discussed subjects ranging from child abuse to incontinence!

-If someone thinks that too much pressure is being applied, they can post the trigger word PENGUIN and flag up the fact that they believe there's a potential for someone feeling too nagged to do something. ANYONE could post PENGUIN if they felt there was a danger that suggestions were being enforced too much.

Similarly, if they want to discuss something that might be a trigger for some people, then posting PENGUIN would be a warning that what follows in the whiteout might be a trigger.


- So, if you think something might be a PENGUIN, please post something like the green bit which follows.

"I would like to discuss something to do with [insert subject here], but I am concerned that this might be a trigger for some people. Is everyone OK if I post about that?"

Then, when you post, repost the word PENGUIN above the discussion. Then post the penguiny bit in white! And the phrase END OF PENGUIN when you have finished.

It will look like this. You will be able to see the white text if you highlight it or if you quote it, (so please don't 'quote' a post containing a penguin onto the thread!)
(Harmless example follows here):-
PENGUIN

This is a penguin. A nasty, crotch biting penguin (CBP).
It isn't really! So you can look. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozGTv0hxhpc[/url]


END OF PENGUIN

(NB on a tenth-page repost of the etiquette, you can see these penguiny words because they are white against the green 'quote' background. On a normal post, they will be white against white, and so won't be seen on the thread.)

IMPORTANT: It has been ascertained that some posters to this thread have found that there are certain subjects which act as triggers, precipitating a worsening of their condition.
To protect these posters, you are respectfully requested NOT to discuss these subjects on this thread:-

Religion. (Please note: it is recognised that everyone is entitled to their beliefs, and we respect those beliefs. It is only because of the fact that religion does act as a trigger for some posters, that we exclude it from discussion.)
N.B. Please don't even mention the name of the religion.

The afterlife. The reason for this is explained in this thread by one poster, and there will be others for whom this is a trigger.

We ask and thank you for your co-operation in this matter.


.........:starmod:.....................................................................:starmod:................

It should be pointed out that if anyone is feeling very distressed or close to a crisis, they do not have to worry about what they are posting, or whether it is a penguin for someone else or not. In a crisis situation, just post! We wouldn't want anyone to feel that they couldn't ask for help in case it's a penguin! The penguin thing only applies to a general discussion situation.

- More suggestions please.............We stress that we are suggesting that we AGREE some Thread Etiquette to HELP people who might feel anxious about posting, we are not trying to IMPOSE rules, just relating this to facilitating groups, so that people feel safe and able to participate as fully as they can.

...............Thread Motto...............
Nos Omnes Ad Audiendum Parumper

Pyxis

Whitewing, would it be useful to have a couple of refresher lessons with an instructor in a dual-controlled car?
I did that after a long break from driving, and it was a huge help.

Also, might you find it easier being the driver rather a passenger, as you are in control of the whole thing, then? :A

Just a thought, anyway.


MessedUp, I do know how you feel. There's nothing worse than feeling rejected by family. I agree with Whitewing, that it might be a good idea to have a chat. Easter might be a good time! You could go armed with Easter Eggs for all! And cake!
Good luck!


WaS, don't worry about picking up a few pebbles from a beach.
I was only joking.
My comment on the previous page was a jokey reference to that piece of recent news where an artist took a pebble from the very top of Scafell Pike in the Lake District to use in an art installation. The tourist board then said that as a result the height of Scafell had been reduced by an inch and so they wanted the pebble back! This was before April Fool's Day!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cumbria-32053132

Just don't use a dumper truck to remove a couple of tons of pebbles!

codemonkey

MU, I think its pretty normal not to trust when things are going well, especially when you're used to things going badly. I had a a few years where everything was going wrong - the attack, a couple of people passing away in quick succession (not your fault WaS), health issues, redundancy, relationships going south etc). When things started to get better, I didn't trust it and felt like I was waiting for things to go wrong. So I got a tattoo of a unicorn. Its a protective symbol and it reminds me in bad times that things will get better and in good times, to appreciate them. As for the family thing, I get that. I get left out of everything. The last time I heard from my sister and brother was Christmas Day. Apparently my sister was desperate for a baby sister all her life but I must have been a disappointment to her because she doesn't bother with me at all.

Whitewing, I second the lsssons. You can even do passplus type thing in your own car. But only if you want to. I can't drive atm and I try to use publIc transport or my feet to get around as much as possible, but sometimes its poor and i have to ask DH and sometimes he gets a bit grumpy about it. Then I remind him that we're meant to be a team and that I do a lot of things for him.

I've been looking forward to a lie in for weeks and when it arrives I'm awake and thinking about housework. That's annoying.

Waves_and_Smiles

I'll break this into bits because otherwise I will end up with a longer than usual novel!

MU, do speak your mum. As you say when people move away sometimes families unintentionally consider them to have their own lives so don't include them as much. It isn't to be hurtful (although it sure feels it!), it is because you aren't right there at the time. Tell your mum that you would like to be included more, it is sad that you are missing out on the family things that you would love to join in with.

The happiness point rang a huge bell with me. I worked on how to stop sabotaging my own happiness in therapy for years. I would reach a point where everything was going well in my life and then unconsciously do something to give me something to worry about, or at worse bring the whole happy scenario crashing down on my head. Even now, I am most risk of psychosis when I am happy because it scares me so much.

I never felt I deserved happiness and that if I felt it then something was about to go very wrong. Also, being unhappy felt safe to me, it was what I had experienced for years and was my natural state. Happiness felt like tempting fate so I would try to change it before life brought it all crashing down around me anyway. I still lean towards doing that now although I can usually catch it.

What helped was telling myself that I deserved to be happy. In my case this was a battle because I had a lot of thoughts that said no you don't, you're a horrid person, suffer! Also I had to realise that happiness didn't mean that things were unsafe. It was a different emotion to the norm for me and therefore scary so I consistently had to tell myself that it was ok and look after myself and be kind to myself more when I was happy then when I was miserable! Otherwise I would just cause psychosis and then I would feel relief because it was familiar and I knew that I couldn't fall any lower.

MU, you deserve to be happy! I give you permission to feel happiness as much as you can! Nothing bad will happen because of it!

Waves_and_Smiles

Whitewing, I agree with taking the driving lessons. I am sure if you admit your fears to your instructor that they will be sympathetic. There are even driving schools with people with phobias out there.

You mention agoraphobia is affecting other areas of your life. Only you know whether this is causing you problems in functioning to the extent that it is impeding your daily life or if it is getting worse. If it is worsening then I promise you that CBT for phobias is amazing. I was crippled with phobias when I first started it and we tackled one at a time until my life became manageable. The therapist asks you what exactly you want to achieve as you begin to work on each one and they will tailor it to your requirements.

I have spoken before about how it took only 5 hours to remove my fear of spiders. Another phobia was that I couldn't stand on train platforms. My therapist and I went to one and worked on it right there and again within hours the fear went away. We dealt with many of my fears in that way by visiting the actual locations and it has stuck years later, the only thing you need to remember about phobia treatments is to give yourself a top up now and again. For example I hold a spider every few months to remind myself that I don't have to be afraid.

Keep a watch on yourself for a while and see if you feel that the phobia is worsening. We all have fears, they only need treatment when they start impeding our life being lived in a way we would like or negatively affecting others. Also remember fear is a healthy response, it keeps us safe. Fear is not a negative in general, it just takes over a little sometimes and when it does I promise you that it can be dealt with.

Melly-Thinking of you and hoping you can manage a smoothie today. I hope that you get a little time to enjoy the holiday with your OH despite the chaos around you.

Waves_and_Smiles

Phew! Now onto me!

Be proud everyone(please?)! I got up at 8am and walked around the block with WaSp without a blanket! In the daylight! Granted I picked my day and time carefully because it is very quiet outside but I did it! I was very nervous but I kept my head up and didn't give in so I managed to stay out for 15 minutes exposed to the world where I could be seen! Then I got indoors and burst into tears but nevermind that. I am going to do it again soon!

codemonkey

Well done WaS :j:beer::j

tea_lover

WaS, that is amazing!!!