We all need to be heard for a little while.

System

elsien wrote: »

I am back at work tomorrow after a week off. I like my job although I'm finding it quite pressured, but I've decided I like being at home more. Having thought for years I'd be bored by not working, I've realised that isn't the case. Time to start thinking ahead - probably can't afford early retirement, but maybe going part time in the future might be more doable.
(The downside being I'd have to spend more time with Gitdog.)

Lir, hope your hospital visit goes well, and Melly, hang on in there.

I think as far as work is concenred, you need to find a balance. I'm fortunate that for now i'm able to afford working part time (though i doubt next year i will qualify for PIP, so that means no tax credits and forcing myself to find a full time job even though the last time i worked full time it led to a breakdown , ) as that's what i can cope with pressure wise. If i'm feeling well i can always pick up extra hours if needed, but there isn't the pressure of having to do full time hours.

I'm sure spending more time with gitdog wouldn't be a bad thing sure he's love the extra attention!

Waves_and_Smiles

LIR, good luck for the hospital appointment and don't worry too much about the forms. I have to fill in multiple choice forms every 3 months and I mess them up everytime I fill one in. They show that I am terribly suicidal without fail. Of course I am not, but asking someone with psychosis if they have thoughts of hurting themselves or about death and using the answers to deduce whether someone is suicidal is ridiculous. Of course I have negative thoughts, I am psychotic which means they happen all the time even if I am bouncing with joy! They aren't a reflection on my mood at all, they are part of my illness.

Another question that drives me mad on those forms is how often do you cry. Again, psychotic... I can be in an awful situation and suddenly start giggling, or I can have a sad imaginary thought and burst into tears for hours because of it. It doesn't mean that I am depressed at all, it just means my imagination is playing tricks on me.

For anyone who hasn't seen these forms there is no place to write an explanation. You either tick boxes that say yes or no, scale your feelings from 1-5 or 1-10 or tick a box that says you feel this all the time, sometimes, rarely or never. So considering I have thoughts of harming myself daily I have to tick all the time which sets alarms off but the thoughts are because of psychosis, not because I really want to hurt myself and I never act on them. It still makes me look like a huge risk to myself going on the scaling alone. I hate these forms, can you tell? If they are going to use these to judge someone's mental health then at least tailor them to the different illnesses.

We won't go into the question judging how depressed you are by how often you leave the house and how often you socialise. The forms presume you don't do these things because you are depressed and have no motivation or you hate being around people due to anxiety, there is no part of it where you can explain if it is because you think people can read your thoughts and see how horrid you are even though you really like people and actually want to go out more. I like almost everyone and love chatting to people, it is just that psychosis gets in the way but it isn't due to an anxiety or depressive disorder. As you can imagine I do great there, too...

My psychiatrist tends to go through the forms with me again in person and we put down the correct answers in my notes. Do ask your doctor if you can explain the answers if you feel that you need to clarify, LIR, they are usually very willing for you to do so. Another option is to attach a piece of paper explaining why you answered as you did.

lostinrates

Thanks was. Tbc these are forms which are showing I am able to make a serious decision about a complex and dangerous surgery and if I cannot get past the slightly Difficult approach I always have with multiple choice I cannot see them saying, 'yeah, this bird can be trusted to make a decision to let a surgeon go where no surgeon has gone before and accept the risk, she's obviously ticking right up there'. The situation is, my view is my view and not coloured by the situation with the happy pills. Its a long held one.i don't have to do the questionnaire for tomorrow though, so I have a while to think about it.

Waves_and_Smiles

Absolutely, LIR. Do add another sheet of paper explaining your answers if you wish, they will take them into consideration. Be as descriptive as you need to be and write it in your own words, multiple choice forms never allow you describe exactly how you feel, they put everything in such black and white terms.

I do hope the surgery helps you and everything goes smoothly with setting it up. Also, I am sorry that I had a rant about multiple choice forms in reply, they are a huge pet peeve of mine!

lostinrates

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I do hope the surgery helps you and everything goes smoothly with setting it up. Also, I am sorry that I had a rant about multiple choice forms in reply, they are a huge pet peeve of mine!

No, you go for it, I feel just the same! As I said.....my emotions do not come in boxes marked one to five.

elsien

My instinctive response (although I've never had to do one anywhere near as important as yours) is to go straight down the middle for all questions. Harks back to all the questionnaires as a student where the middle option was neutral.
WaS, until you started explaining about your psychosis, I didn't realise that suicidal thoughts could be such a big part of it. I always thought of it being hallucinations/delusions, but never considered how those delusions could impact on emotions. Which seems obvious in retrospect. Something else I've learned on here.
You've just reminded me (in a good way) of someone I used to work with who had psychotic episodes. On his good days he used to come in and tell me about his chats with the local squirrel population about his artwork. I smile just thinking about him.

mellymoo74

So

Decide to have a Jack Russell smuggle.
On the bed for a change.
Porky Princess is so distraught at the thought of sharing Me and the bed she squirms up to by my face, pins me down and has a good face clean, speeding up when I laugh as this failed she the decided to suffocate me by covering my nose and mouth with her head.
That wasn't a success.

Waves_and_Smiles

That story about the person you used to work with is lovely, elsien! Most people don't realise that psychosis is a much greyer area than hallucinations and delusions, none of the media really talks about those parts, possibly because they differ between each individual and also because they aren't as headline grabbing. Psychotic thoughts are a huge part of the illness, far more than what is called 'the positive symptoms' of hallucinations are. If I only had to deal with hallucinations I would be working and socialising, They are the least of the illness to me. Going to penguin this bit-

I haven't been suicidal as most people understand the word for a long time, but I have thoughts about ways to kill myself every day. I am not depressed, I don't wish for my life to stop but the thoughts of hurting and killing myself are exciting and feel like I am going to go on a wonderful holiday somewhere. The urge to do it is very strong, kind of like staring at a big and luscious cream cake and you know you shouldn't eat it but you know that it is going to be wonderful if you do. The emotions are the same for wanting to hurt myself. This is very, very common with psychosis but extremely hard to explain to people, even to professionals who have had minimum experience of the illness. Then I get a form that says how often do you think about suicide? So I tick every day and immediately everyone panics that I am about to do it and am severely depressed. I am not at all, I know that they are psychotic thoughts and am not suicidal in the terms that the form means.

I just don't have the switch that turns these thoughts and feelings off and they occur no matter what is happening in my life elsewhere and no matter how happy my general mood is. My imagination is as real to me emotionally as reality is, sometimes more so. Reality can seem like something I am distanced from so I may have inappropriate emotions towards it because I am not invested in it, just as if I was watching a film of someone else's life. Whereas an imagined thought can have a huge emotional impact that leaves me feeling devastated and unable to function when in fact nothing has really happened.

People also rarely realise that there is a good side to psychosis, because everything is magnified that means the good things are, too. My favourite psychiatrist told me that I would feel more pain than people without psychosis but I would feel more joy, too. As people have probably noticed sometimes I get excited like a little child, sometimes I bounce up and down because I am so happy and cannot stop grinning just because I have had a happy thought! I notice things like weeds growing in the roadside and will cry because they are so beautiful and alive, an animal interacting with me feels like a huge expression of love and comfort that means everything to me. It isn't all bad by any means, just different.

But the above mentioned forms give you no place to explain any of that at all and if I fill them in with a therapist or doctor who aren't familiar with psychosis they tend to panic and at worse try to put me in hospital because I am a risk to myself which is annoying to say the least. I have been dealing with my psychosis for 22 years and can define between delusional thinking and ordinary thoughts by now, I have also taken myself to A&E and asked to be sectioned and requested overnight stays numerous times when I know that I am losing control of things so am quite able to monitor myself and keep myself safe. Since the horror of my first psychotic break I have always known when I am unwell and have never hesitated to ask for help, I tend to catch it very early before I lose control of my thoughts completely. In fact, I am over-cautious. The forms just don't allow for you to explain that your illness may not fit into a tidy little box.

System

Thank you for explaining that WaS, i too had no idea about the realities of psychosis, i think i'd assumed it was mainly hallucination/delusions.

It must be frustrating having to fill in those forms but not be able to explain your actual feelings

I can relate to there being good sides, when i'm hypermanic more often that not i have "positive" symptoms, its nice to have (if not a somewhat inflated) confidence in myself, to feel like i have boundless energy and that i can do anything, to be extra erm...horny (well there have to be some positives!), generally feeling super happy etc. The downsides of the hypermania tend to be paranoia and anxiety, the rest i can quite happily deal with.

Waves_and_Smiles

Everyone presumes that MU, even some doctors. No one talks about the constant intrusive thoughts and imaginings that fill your day and how much your emotions change with them. It is by far the most difficult part of coping with it. I always link it back to what my psychiatrist told me-everyone has a switch that turns off the dream state when we wake up so that we are awake in reality. Mine is faulty and doesn't switch off properly meaning my imagination and subconscious leak into what is really happening.

I do like the happy psychosis times although they don't happen that often. I have felt so joyful that I am light-headed and think I might faint just due to a scenario that I have imagined that has nothing to do with reality. There is a darker side to this where something dangerous can cause the same feelings of joy but you learn to watch out for that and not act on it (hopefully). It's a constant self-monitoring process and means things like concentrating on something or socialising can only be done for short periods of time because you have to be aware of what is going on in your mind and it leaves little room for anything else. That in itself makes you paranoid and prone to odd thoughts so it all ends up going in a cycle. This is why I get tired.