We all need to be heard for a little while.

System

You do cope well with it WaS, i'm nit sure i'd be able to cope with it. The closest i've come is hearing disembodimed voices and i once hallucinated. For a period of time i felt there was a "bad me" and that she took over, mainly when i self harmed. I remember reading diary entries that i had no recollection of writing, and weirdly it was in a different handwriting to my own. :eek: do you ever dissociate? (i'm guessing you do from what you've said before). I sometimes have periods where i for lack of a better description zone out and they can be quite scary

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, that sounds really scary, MU!

I do dissociate, mostly it's due to MPD but it can happen without its influence due to PTSD. My psychiatrist calls these fugue states. I also suffer with depersonalisation and derealisation a lot which I hate, and when these are bad it is very hard not to do something I shouldn't do to myself to try and snap myself out of it.

I am so used to hearing voices now that I can mostly ignore them in the same way that you do when a tv is on in a room and you aren't listening. It's either MPD voices (which I hear in my mind) or the bad voices(which I hear next to my ear), there is almost always sound. Plus there is the voice I call The Recorder who constantly summarises everything I do; she just said WaS writes about The Recorder. I do become more aware of them all when I am anxious and they do occasionally yell which makes me jump out of my skin. The radio is especially annoying. I often hear a radio complete with a DJ talking inbetween songs and it sounds just as if the radio is right next to me. That still catches me out and I ask WaSp to turn his music down. The he says I'm a nutter and we both laugh.

Visual hallucinations don't bother me much because unless I am very psychotic they are mild. I see shadows of people against the walls, bugs running around, sometimes moths flying. It is only if I am distressed that they form into recognisable people and creature form. My psychosis is far more auditory than visual.

tea_lover

Struggling today

Have read the list of "reasons you need to leave" a few times but it's not helping.
Have thought about all the extra space I'll have and how clean and tidy the house will be, that's not helping.
Have thought about how this will give me the chance to find someone else that does want to commit properly... not helping.
Have thought about how unhappy I've been for years with this half-relationship, how demoralising it's been to be ignored for so long, but that's not helping either.

Pyxis

tea_lover wrote: »

Struggling today

Have read the list of "reasons you need to leave" a few times but it's not helping.
Have thought about all the extra space I'll have and how clean and tidy the house will be, that's not helping.
Have thought about how this will give me the chance to find someone else that does want to commit properly... not helping.
Have thought about how unhappy I've been for years with this half-relationship, how demoralising it's been to be ignored for so long, but that's not helping either.

Ok, Tea, it's a bad day. You're grieving good and proper. Don't fight the feelings, let them flow, but don't don't make any decisions based on them.
Get yourself a few treats, of any kind! And just say, that perhaps you'll feel better about things tomorrow. You can allow yourself to have a bad day, you know!
It being Monday today doesn't help either. Definitely a treat day, though!

tea_lover

Thanks pyxis. I'm not seriously re-thinking the decision today, which I guess is an improvement on previous bad days when I'd be back to going round in circles and questioning everything. I suppose I can see that this is ultimately for the best - it just really doesn't feel like it today.

It all just seems so final. Obviously we couldn't carry on as we were, but I always thought we'd have some sort of temporary separation first. It never occured to me that we'd be sorting out the mortgage etc. whilst still living together (and getting on better than we have for years).

Pyxis

tea_lover wrote: »

Thanks pyxis. I'm not seriously re-thinking the decision today, which I guess is an improvement on previous bad days when I'd be back to going round in circles and questioning everything. I suppose I can see that this is ultimately for the best - it just really doesn't feel like it today.

It all just seems so final. Obviously we couldn't carry on as we were, but I always thought we'd have some sort of temporary separation first. It never occured to me that we'd be sorting out the mortgage etc. whilst still living together (and getting on better than we have for years).

Well, just because you're taking over the mortgage and will be living on your own doesn't mean that you can't treat it as a sort of trial separation if you want to!
In fact, your being independent of FOH will be better for you, as then you can look at the relationship objectively, and not let things be clouded by the fear and upheaval of having to divide a shared mortgage and shared things. IYSWIM!
Time apart, with all formalities done and dusted, will make it much easier for you to see the wood in the trees! :A

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, hugs tea. On days like this it might help to think of it as not necessarily being final. Right now the relationship doesn't work and won't work if you carry on as you are. So, you are changing things for both of you which may give it a chance in the future. Or it may not and you might meet the best guy on earth and never look back, but it isn't outside of the realms of possibility for you and FOH to get back together later if things improved. Things can't improve while you stay as you are so you are giving things more of a chance in the future by leaving now.

In my news the electrics are being done here between Thursday and next Tuesday. She can't give us a day for certain. So I panic for up to 4 days. That's just lovely.

elsien

Does it not get any better the more it happens WaS? Sort of like an enforced flooding technique, or is that too simplistic?

lostinrates

Just want to let you all know it went well to day. The nasty consultant was not nasty! I have shown some considerable improvement in one of the areas I fear most! Hurrah!!!!!

I am allowed to start reducing one of my meds to see if I sustain this on a lower dose. Once its established whether or not I do I will start another med.

elsien

Well done LiR, bet you're breathing a sigh of relief. Long may nice hospital consultants continue.