We all need to be heard for a little while.

mellymoo74

Odd SIL goes round yesterday I get 3 calls about the prescription l. Today I get another call about the prescription fairly sure I'm going to lose it.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hugs and warm handshakes to all who need them today. I feel a little sad myself, today is hard for a lot of people, sadly.

It does help to remember psychosis is a healthy response. The hardest thing is the difference of emotions to what I know I should feel. I find that scary. Things that should frighten me to think about feel exciting and make me feel elation, fortunately I know it isn't a reaction that I should follow and can logically separate myself. I am very lucky in that, there are many people with severe psychotic illnesses who follow their emotions and put themselves and sometimes others in danger.

I guess with regards to the emotions I want to tell people that psychosis isn't always about fear and hating and hurting people as many people think (and the media portrays). I have never had a violent thought towards another person, the idea is abhorrent to me. I rarely feel anger and my fear of people comes from terror that they will believe me to be horrid, never that I think they are. Sometimes my psychosis makes me feel full of joy, often for very wrong reasons but the full range of my emotions are affected by it. For me, it isn't ever about hurting others, it is about harming me and that feels like a wonderful thing.

As I said, it is tiring. These thoughts are constantly there. While I am awake I am also constantly glued to a laptop, looking up silly facts, reading here and helping WaSp find relevant sites. I am always learning and researching new things, I keep my mind busy the whole time to try to distract from the thoughts. Things like watching tv or listening to music aren't possible because it gives me time to let my thoughts drift. I was far more ill before I had internet, there was so little to distract with and it was much harder to study new facts to occupy my thoughts. In a way the internet is a form of medication to me, it gives me the ability to fill my mind and push everything away. Still, it is exhausting to never be able to relax.

Having said all that things could be worse. I am luckier than many people with my degree of psychosis. I can keep a grip on it and I have learned many techniques to combat it. Oddly, this has taught me a lot of control over my own mind. Still, today I am tired and remember how wonderful it used to be to take a long bath for instance, with soft music playing and just let my thoughts drift. That has been out of the question of many years, I miss those times.

I guess I am thinking about all of this because I see my psychiatrist next week. He will ask if the medication change made a difference, the answer is no it didn't, it never does. So no doubt we will find a new pattern for the medication and try that again, I don't for a moment think it will change anything. We basically split the same dosage into different amounts at varying times during the day to see if it improves things, new anti-psychotics have a disastrous affect on me and we cannot increase this one because it turns me into a zombie. I will tell him I am fine because really I am. I just wish fine could mean the same thing it does for others sometimes.

Pyxis

Dear WaS, I do wish I could pour a balm on your brain and calm it down.


It was lovely to read about the animals.

WaS Dolittle
WaS Attenborough
WaS the Whisperer

Take your pick!

geminilady

WaS Thank you so much for such an honest post.I am in awe about what you cope with each and every day.I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you a day off,everyone deserves one.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahaha! That made me laugh, Pyxis! Seeing the animals really does help me, the odd thoughts are still there but I find it hugely comforting to be around animals of any kind.

I really am fine, I just feel sad sometimes that it is my version of fine. I think one of the cruellest things about Schizophrenia is that it develops in the early to mid 20's for women (often earlier for men), mine began when I was 24. It means you remember what it felt like not to have it, when the thoughts weren't there all of the time and you could trust your emotional responses. If it had always been here like my MPD I wouldn't know how it felt to be without it, it would just feel natural. With the latter I can't imagine how people feel who don't have others in their mind who they can visit and talk to anytime they wish and I think I would find it very hard to cope without that. It is all I have ever known.

Most of what are called the positive symptoms don't phase me anymore. The constantly hearing radios playing music complete with dj, hearing the voices talking, seeing shadows moving towards me and insects crawling around when nothing is there. The hallucinatory aspects don't bother me, they are an annoyance at the most. In fact sometimes they can be fun, I can look at a photo of the sea and watch the waves move. It is the abnormal thoughts that get to me.

Because I do remember a time without psychosis there is a huge feeling of loss. Still, I am grateful that I had the years I did have before the intrusive thoughts began, it allows me to judge what is acceptable and what I chase away. The suicide rate for Schizophrenics is very high (don't worry, I am not in the slightest suicidal) and I understand why. It isn't because of the drama of psychosis or any big event, it because it is just so tiring and eventually people just cannot fight it anymore...

Sometimes I just talk a lot here, too because it gives me focus so that I don't listen to the thoughts. It seems today is one of those days. Take no notice, it will pass and normal service will be resumed.

seven-day-weekend

geminilady wrote: »

WaS Thank you so much for such an honest post.I am in awe about what you cope with each and every day.I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you a day off,everyone deserves one.

That is just what I was going to say

You are a strong and brave lady, WaS. Most of us don't deal with such things on a day-to-day basis.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you SDW and gemini. I made a concious decision when I was 34 after 10 years of severe insatiability and several suicide attempts that I would either remove myself properly or knuckle down and get on with this and accept it as my life now. Obviously, I chose the latter. I accepted this as my new 'normal' which psychiatrists had been telling me to do for years, I have lost count of the amount of professionals who asked me how much better I thought I could be? That isn't giving up and they didn't mean I should do so (which is how I interpreted at the time), but they meant shifting my thought pattern into acceptance and realising that although things may improve (and they really have) that I needed to accept that this was how my mind worked now and work with it rather than becoming hysterical and crying for the past I had before it began.

As soon as I did that things improved greatly, as soon as I stopped trying to live like many others live and chastising myself because I can't. Compared to me 15 years ago the difference is huge, I spent my 20's very ill indeed with many trips to hospital, mainly because I wouldn't accept it and kept trying to live as if it wasn't there which was impossible.

I do far better making progress within the limits of my condition. A year ago I never thought that I would ever post on here, but because you were all so kind to me when I did now I feel safe to do so which has improved my health so much. A year ago I never thought I would be able to walk around animal sanctuaries without a blanket, but I have given myself a little task of going out once a month for the whole year, not counting hospital appointments. It sounds as if I am very ill compared to most people but for me it is a huge step forward, I have learnt that tiny steps work best rather than pretending that I can do what others can. If I can do this for a year then next year I will try to go out once every 2 weeks. It is very slow progress but it needs to be. The point is that it is progress and if it takes 10 years to be able to go out a couple of times a week I am fine with that, I know that pushing myself any faster results in a section and back to square one.

Really, things are going very well. I just get sad sometimes that my version of things going well isn't what it means to others. I still remember how it felt to be well and that hurts.

mellymoo74

I'm so tired of this crap

geminilady

mellymoo74 wrote: »

I'm so tired of this crap

Whats up Melly?

Waves_and_Smiles

Good morning all! How is everyone today?

I have insomnia! After 5 hours of laying in bed with the usual thoughts I have given up and am having a cup of tea instead. I figure my body has rested a little even if my mind hasn't. No doubt I will pass out later at some stage.