We all need to be heard for a little while.

whitewing

I have to say

1. your family may not have picked up that he had died. I couldn't tell with my grandparents and I think it was only DH that actually saw it. We all knew when the nurses started moving.
2. I always felt very passionately angry when I felt that I was being lied to - I wonder if that is part of the issue with mh. We are so used to being told there is nothing wrong - we are just bad or worthless or awkward etc- that the truth is vitally important.

Pyxis

SpiderWestCider, please please talk to us if it will help. You aren't alone, Team WaS is here, and someone is usually always around. You can spit it all out to us, or just some of it, but please do, rather than bottle it all up.

It doesn't matter if you feel you're rambling, we'll still understand.
It doesn't matter if you need to keep some things private, that's ok too.

You can use us to rant to as well, if you like, to rage against everything, we won't get upset or cross with you.

You're holding things together for your family's sake. Well, you can just let rip on here. Wail, gnash teeth, wrench hair, dissolve, do whatever you need to do. :A

We have tissues.
And cake!

Waves_and_Smiles

Both are very good points, whitewing.

Brief penguin to reply to point one-

I do think it is possible that my mother and grandmother didn't realise. To me, though I couldn't understand how they didn't. His eyes were wide open and staring at the ceiling, they looked like glass and empty. I knew that there was no one there.

End penguin

I do think the anger at the lying is still a major reason why I am still haunted by it. I had seen both my parents very physically ill several times, I was under no illusions about how unwell they both were. I also think the decision to lie angered me because it reminded me of my mother's attitude to illness. She wouldn't watch or allow me to watch any medical programmes on tv, I was never allowed to speak about my parents illnesses to them (mother's rules. not dad's) and she would invent nicer terms for what was wrong with them. For example she would overdose on insulin on purpose, I wasn't allowed to mention it and it was referred to as a 'funny turn' only. My dad's heart disease was called his 'dicky chest', her gangrene was called her 'stubbed toe'. Doctors were to be avoided whereever possible and the enemy. I often felt like I was only one looking at the truth and it angered me.

The hospital lying to me felt like an extension of that, again no one would state the reality. I hated it at home and I hated when it appeared they did the same.

whitewing

Being lied to makes me extremely angry too, and I think it is for similar reasons.

elsien

SpiderWestCider - just wondering who may have said you are beyond help? Because if it's something in your head saying that to you at the moment, we all know that sometimes our intrusive voices and thoughts are inaccurate (or downright fibs in the case of some of WaS's voices.) Is there someone you trust who you can share with a little, even if you're not ready to go to the professionals yet? Or one professional who you trust more or feel more able to start to say things to?

geminilady

WaS Maybe it was because you were only 13 at the time they thought it kindest to lie to you but I understand your anger and it must have made it hard to trust the medical profession.There is something which made me very angry but will penguin it because it is about a death.
I was separated from my husband but we still loved each other and were friends (long story) He came to see me one day and told me he had Mesothelioma he had become short of breath,was sent for an xray and a massive tumour was found on one lung.After reading about it I knew it was probably terminal and tried my best to prepare my boys,I have never lied to them.They were 18 and 10 at the time.Two months from diagnosis he was in hospital having tests and we went to see him on the Saturday.He was using an oxygen mask and had lost a great deal of weight in such a short time.I knew then he did not have long and two days later got the phone call to say he had passed away.It was the hardest thing I have ever done telling my boys and it hit the oldest one very hard as they had grown very close,went for a drink together ect.
Anyway myself and the oldest went to the hospital,the youngest did not want to go.Well when we were shown to the room I have never been so shocked in my life,I have seen dead people before but he looked like something from a horror film,his body was all crooked,his mouth open,like a silent scream I was so upset and so sorry that I had taken my son to see his Dad like that.He could not stop for more than a minute.I did go later to complain as I would not want anyone to see their loved one looking like that but to this day I do not know why they did not make him look more presentable.

SpiderWestCider

Thank you,
I'm not receiving any help from anyone or on any medication and haven't been since 2010, it was then that the cmht told me there was nothing they could do as I had all the therapy available when I was with the child services, hence believing I am beyond help.
OH knows I'm unhappy & struggling but I filter what I say as he has said he finds it too difficult & I don't blame him for that. He's doing his best to help cheer me up & help as best he can with day to day stuff that I can't manage. No one else knows as I've become very good at keeping it hidden, probably too good.
I'm so afraid of my own mind I just want it to stop. I hate myself for feeling like this, more guilty really. I need it to stop now so it doesn't get any worse. Just stop for a while..
Penguined that last bit.
I'm going to have a think of who I can turn to.
Thank you again team WaS

Pyxis

SpiderWestCider, you've struggled for 5 years; a lot can happen in that time. Would you consider having an informal chat with your GP, to see if anything has changed in those 5 years? There may well be some help now, that wasn't available then. It might be worth a chat.
If you do go, it might be an idea to book a double appointment, as you don't want to be rushed.

In the meantime, feel free to unload here. :A

Waves_and_Smiles

Spider, I echo what Pyxis said. I have also been told by CMHT that there is nothing further that they can do for me in regards to therapy and I agree with them. However, they have always left the door open for me to receive support. As well as seeing a psychiatrist, anytime I want to I can see a counsellor. This would not be for therapy in regards to fixing things, but to give me a sounding board who could offer me support at the time. It means I always have the option of someone to listen to me even if they can't fix me.

I know it is hard to return to your GP but it is common for CMHT to offer support counselling to those who won't benefit from anything more indepth. I hope that it would be offered to you. I have had a few sessions on occasion and found that it helped me a lot just to have someone to tell everything to. The act of sharing alone, relieved a lot of the pressure. It is just a counsellor at my doctors surgery, not someone qualified to give me therapy or even able to fully understand my conditions but that is fine. It just helps to have somewhere to offload sometimes.

Little penguin

I am so sorry you went through Gemini. I was angry at the time and still am a bit at how they presented my dad. On the one hand they treated me like a child, on the other they didn't 'tidy him up' at all, they could have at least closed his mouth and eyes so that I didn't have to see his eyes looking so empty. Like you, I had never seen anyone dead before and it was a huge shock. I am sure everyone acted in a way they thought was best for me, but little me at the time wasn't happy at all.

End penguin

jobbingmusician

SpiderWestCider wrote: »

Thank you,
I'm not receiving any help from anyone or on any medication and haven't been since 2010, it was then that the cmht told me there was nothing they could do as I had all the therapy available when I was with the child services, hence believing I am beyond help.

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Spider, I echo what Pyxis said. I have also been told by CMHT that there is nothing further that they can do for me in regards to therapy and I agree with them. However, they have always left the door open for me to receive support. As well as seeing a psychiatrist, anytime I want to I can see a counsellor. This would not be for therapy in regards to fixing things, but to give me a sounding board who could offer me support at the time. It means I always have the option of someone to listen to me even if they can't fix me.

SWC, one of the things I hate about mental health services in this country is that they are so over-medicalised. It may be true that there is nothing more that an over-stretched, over-medicalised CMHT can do for you. However, you have interpreted this as 'there is nothing more that can be done for me' and it's not at all the same thing.


I work for Mind and I am really old-style Mind - my own observations lead me to believe that although there are now some very good mental health medications and some very good psychiatrists and GPs out there, medicine hardly scratches the surface of mental health problems if you compare it with a really good holistic system that actually addresses the concerns of the patient. I mean a system that addresses the real problems that the person is grappling with, including the much wider world of socialising, housing, SLEEP, caring, family, and money.


I think WaS would agree (enormous apologies if I have this wrong, but I think this is what you are saying, WaS) that even though she's had years of therapy and has great personal insight, it has been helpful to her to have this thread to unload on, and to realise that there are a bunch of us standing together to support each other.


Feel free to discuss whatever you like on here (after all, we have discussed all sorts of things already including poo, sex, abuse and self-harm, penguining where necessary!) We are all here to help each other. And I believe we can do a lot to help each other.


Hugs ((((((())))))) to you and everyone who would like one.