We all need to be heard for a little while.

tea_lover

So much for my nice quiet day at work. For some reason they've decided to put a new toilet in. It's just the other side of my office wall... who knew replacing toilets was such a noisy job!

Have actually had a productive morning so far.... can feel it tailing off now though lol.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hugs and warm handshakes to all of us, my heart goes out to everyone.

I don't think this is penguiny but I used to also hide food. Even now if I want to binge I will wait until WaSp is out or take food into the bathroom over a couple of hours and then eat it all within minutes. I find it very hard to eat in front of anyone, there is so much shame involved.

Although I am overweight I am lucky (?) that my doctors do not tell me to lose any because they know it isn't as simple as eating less and I want to cry at any mention of it. I don't know how much I weigh and my doctors don't tell me, my GP allows me to step on the scales backwards so I can't see them. My endocrinologist tells me not to diet anymore because my metabolism is so damaged that it would now be harmful, it is better for me to stay a steady weight even if that's over then for my weight to increase and decrease rapidly. So all in all any mention of weight is avoided.

I also agree with code that most women have difficult relationships with food and their bodies.

Your questions are fine, elsien! No one has to say anything that they don't want to and in my case I work on the theory that if someone is feeling alone with something like ED they may read my reply and not feel so isolated. There are very few things that I am not willing to discuss, years of repeating it all in therapy has given me a lot of emotional distance, which was the plan so for me it doesn't cause me distress.

I know how you feel, tea! There are currently men on the roof throwing broken tiles to the ground. Hence a huge crash every few minutes and much hammering and drilling!

Waves_and_Smiles

Here is another huge CBP. This contains a graphic description of death so I won't be at all offended if people avoid it. I just need to say it so that it isn't swirling around in my head.

Last night I dreamt about my dad's death and the final visit at the hospital, today I am very shaky. We were called to the hospital after he had thrown himself over a stair rail. He had burst his pancreas and broken bones and punctured a lung and had a lot of internal bleeding. There was nothing anyone could have done at that stage, his pancreas bursting had flooded his body with poisons and you cannot replace a pancreas. The one memory I can;t get out of was when they took us to see him. He was wired up to many machines and the nurses told me to talk to him because he could hear me. Even at the age of 13 that day I knew that they were lying. His eyes were wide open and no one was there. I have never seen anything like it before or since, I looked into his eyes and there was no life, whatever was my dad had gone. The emptiness horrified me, I had never seen that look before and I will never forget it. I can't even fully describe it, there just wasn't a living being there anymore and I remember feeling really stupid at the time when they told me to talk to him because I knew that they were aware he was already dead too, they kept the machines on so we had a chance to say goodbye to his body but my dad had long gone.

Two hours later they removed the machines and he 'died' but I knew that he had long before that. As an adult I now question whether they should have let a child see him like that. I think that they should have at least closed his eyes, it was terrifying to see. of course they didn't know but I was already a very emotionally damaged child who felt responsible for keeping my parents alive, I actually wish that they had let me remember him as he was because that is now the clearest memory of my dad that I have.

It is a reoccurring dream that I have had ever since and it never fails to mess me up for the next day. After this was when my phobic reaction to death began.

End penguin

SpiderWestCider

Hugs & warm handshakes.
I'm going to penguin this bit & it's probably going to come out as a complete mess but I have to say something even if does.
I have hit breaking point & I'm so exhausted trying to hold myself together for everyone to prevent them from worrying and to save them from the heartache of going through another episode. I just can't do it any longer but I know I have to for the sake of OH & LO. It's a never ending circle & I'm spiraling, I don't feel safe enough to go and ask for help as I believe they will take away my family as they'll all think I'm beyond help (have been told I'm that before) but I don't feel safe enough to not and I'm probably putting us all at more risk by hiding it. I hate my brain & just want it to shut up and switch off! I have lost all my fight and am just merely existing. Its like having a never ending tennis match in my mind, one team saying give up there's no hope for you & the other saying you can't give in for your families sake.
Sorry all, I just had to write something down.
End penguin.

whitewing

We were in the hospital when my nan and grandad passed away (after a long and happy marriage, and on different occasions). Both times, my DH said that he could tell the exact moment of passing. I couldn't. (Mind you, I can't actually tell if someone is disinterested in my conversation, lol, so I have no chance if it gets more serious).

I think maybe seeing your dad helped you to accept that he had died. I think you would have found it very difficult anyway.

Do you think the lying about it (albeit with good intentions) was what you were so super-sensitive to? Have you ever talked to WaSp or anyone about it?

whitewing

SpiderWestCider,

There is an alcoholic living near me (who is lovely) who has kept her son. They do try and keep families together in this day and age. Please get help now.

Waves_and_Smiles

Gentle hugs spider if that is ok. Are you having any treatment at all right now? Perhaps medication that could be adjusted? I often try to hide how I feel from Wasp because I don't feel that is fair on him but he has usually recognised something is wrong, sometimes before I do. I am not telling you to confide in your OH but he may be able to offer support if you did. If I was in your circumstances I think I would contact a health professional because it is horrid to have the tug of war in your mind, it can make things feel much worse. They won't take your family away for asking for help, the fact that you ask for it shows them that you are concerned about the effects it might have on those around you.

Hang in there and please talk here as much as you want, you aren't alone with this.

System

I wasn't there when either of my grandparents passed, with my grandad its was 3:55am (I remember because I suddenly woke up and sat bolt upright and I just knew), and my nan was in hospital and my parents didn't want us to be there (something I struggle with as I never said goodbye) but their generel ethos was they wanted us to remember them as they were And in some ways I'm grateful for that

tea_lover

SWC - I don't know what to say but just want you to know that you're not alone. I'm sure others on here will be more useful in terms of practical ideas re. who to speak to. Am thinking of you xx.

Waves_and_Smiles

Penguin reply-

Hello Whitewing! I was very annoyed by the fact that they lied. I had felt responsible for my parents for years and didn't feel that I should be lied to. I remember my mother and grandmother talking to him and to my just 13 year old mind it annoyed me even more. I wanted to yell why is everyone pretending? He isn't there anymore, it's just a body! Why is mum being so stupid? Can't she see he's gone? I remember being embarrassed that my family were talking to him in front of everyone when he clearly wasn't there and everyone around us knew that.

Before we left the doctor said that they would turn off the machines now which just proved me to what I thought, they had kept his body functioning until we got there purely so we could say goodbye. I wanted to scream and say goodbye to what? There is no one there! I am not this stupid! In a way I was so used to taking an adult role with my parents that I felt suddenly relegated down to being a child who everyone lies to, to make them feel better. I had been injecting my mothers insulin and dressing her gangrenous foot, calling ambulances for my dad in the middle of the night and going with him to his hospital appointments, I knew perfectly well that either of them could die at any time. I was also doing all of the shopping and housework for all of us and suddenly I was being treated like a child whereas I hadn't really ever been before. I didn't want people to be kind,.I wanted the truth. The other thing that really annoyed me was the really kind nurse who meant well told me my dad had had a fall. I had answered the door to the police officer who came and got us to tell us to go to the hospital. I was there when he said it was a suicide attempt. Again, I was lied to.

To be fair the doctors and nurses weren't aware of what my life was like or of my mindset and they kept him 'alive' out of kindness to us but at the same time I found it very hurtful that suddenly I was relegated back to child status. I had spent years doing what I felt was my duty of care, putting my own child-like emotions to the side for my parents and suddenly no one acknowledged that. It made me very angry.

I didn't cry for my dad until I was in my 20's. After he died I felt no grief, just a lot of anger. Anger that I was lied to, anger at him for giving up, anger at my mother for driving him to it (so I believed), anger that now I was alone with my mother, anger that they hadn't allowed him to die when he clearly had and kept his body functioning, and incredible guilt because my mother repeatedly told me that he had committed suicide because of me and that it was what I wanted. My mental health as a child went down rapidly after his death. I have dealt with most of it now but that final time in the hospital still affects me and I can still remember the anger I felt.

End penguin