sexless marriage :(

Tropez

To be fair though, virtually anything can be addictive and/or cause a hostile reaction if interrupted. It isn't just gaming. There are people who will lose their sh#t if you interrupt them while they're reading.

I completely agree that is something that you shouldn't put above your family. There's a gap of 2-4 hours each weekday night between my finishing work and my wife getting home from work. Gaming is one of several things I fill that gap with. Once my wife's home, unless she wants to play a game or wants to catch up on one of the shows she watches that I don't, I will rarely play a video game as I prefer to make time for her.

Mercenary

Angry_Bear wrote: »

Oh, for the love of stereotypes! I'm an adult woman and a gamer and I love my PC and console games - I think wasting time on mind-numbing stuff like Candy crush is insane, but each to their own.
It only becomes an issue if you let any hobby cause problems in another part of your life.

+ This ^^
I'm an older woman gamer & I also love my (very violent ) PC games.
It's about time these old-fashioned stereotypes are relegated to the mists of time and people realise it's no different from reading books or watching TV or films, as in you're still staring at something and totally involved in it. A hobby consumes time no matter what it is.

Anywaaaay....back to the original subject.......

If this guy is for real, he is not really making any effort to understand any of the solutions that everyone is posting. He just throws another grenade onto the fire & stands back for the blast. Makes me wonder if this can possibly be pukka?

dontwannabecelibate

TBagpuss wrote: »

OK - your wife has set out what she is unhappy with.

So now you can work on that.

As others have said, if you don't notice things or take hints you need to be more proactive. Set yourself reminders (alarm on your phone, maybe, so it is private not a big chores list on the wall!) to do things like:
- when you get in from work - after you've said hi to your wife but before you sit down in front of the TV or playstation, look around to see what needs doing. Picking up your child's toys, washing up, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bath / toilet, vacuuming etc. If your wife is already doing something in the same room, ask her first - e.g. if she is cooking, and you can see that the dishwasher needs to be emptied ask e.g "Will I be in your way if I put away the stuff in the dishwasher, or would it be better if I go and pick up in the living room / clean the bathroom / put away the clean washing now, and do the dishwasher later?" and then listen to what she says. The key is that if she says you will be in the way, that does not mean you should not do the job, it means you should do it when you won't cause her more problems by being in the way.

When you sit down to watch TV or play on the palystation, look around first to see what needs doing. If you are not sure, ask - for instnace, if you see that there is an airer with clothes on, feel to see if they are damp. Think whether they are the sort of things you normally iron. If not, put them away. If you think some of them need ironing, then iron them and then pout them away. if you are not sure, it's OK to ask "I was just going to go and put the washing away - is there anything you want me to iron before I out it away?" - again, you are making it clear that you are taking responsibility for the job but you are asking her for input.

Given that she seems to have been doing all of the jobs up until now, she may well have set ways of doing them, so be prepared to listen to her if she asks that you do things in a certain way.

If she comes into the living room with a cup of tea in her hand, ask her whether there is something she'd like to watch, and if she says no, ask her whether she minds you continuing to watch (whatever it is you are watching) if she says no, ask her whether she would mind if you take the iPad and watch elsewhere, or if she';d rather that you found something you can both watch, or that you turn the TV off altogether.

look at her letter, and for each of her specific comments think about how you can change. When you have thought about it, try to put in practice but talk to her.

One ky thing is to offer her choices - e.g "I'm going to go and clean the bathroom, unless there is something else you'd prefer I did first" - tells her that you are doing one of the things she has highlighted, but aslo that you are willing to do something else if gthere is something more urgent.

And try, try, to notice these things for yourself - you are not a child, and while you may find it hard to notice hints, you can learn to take more responsibility, even if that means making a llist of things to check and do and keeping that list on your phone to refer back to (e.g
- are there any dirty dishes which need washing or loading into the dishwasher?
- does the dishwasher need to be emptied?
- Are there toys which need picking up?
- Is the bathroom clean?
- Is there any wahsing in the washing machine which needs to be put onto an airer ?
- is there any washing on an airer which needs to be ironed / put away?
- Have I asked my wife if there is anything she plans to watch on TV this evening?
- have I offered to make her a cup of tea/coffee

and so on.
Check the list just before you get home each day, and again before you sit down to watch TV or play games, and over time you are likely to start to get into the habit of checking.

Tell your wife what you plan to do to help you remember better and ask her whether there are specific things she would like you to prioritise. Which jobs does she dislike most? What would she like you to focus on? are there any things that she would prefer you not to do without asking her first?

thank you so much for this post. i've been trying to be more attentive to things that need doing and be a more useful part of the household for the last few days. my wife is still very angry with me, but we've both agreed to spend an hour after our child is in bed talking. we've booked an appointment with relate and i have an appointment with my gp on wednesday. i took a couple of days off work and stayed home with my wife. this let me see how much she does every day. the first day she literally didn't sit down all day. i wrote down some notes and the next day when i knew she'd be putting washing on or starting to make lunch i made sure the washing was already sorted and the dishwasher emptied and ready for the dirty plates.

i asked about getting a baby-sitter and going out but my wife isn't keen. she says she wants to see big changes in our lifestyle before she will want to do that. i haven't hogged the television or put the playstation on. yesterday my wife went out to meet a friend for the afternoon and i cared for our child. i intended to do some gardening but can see how hard it is to do anything productive with a child that needs looking after. my wife seemed happier when she got back but i know how dangerous our current situation is. these are all baby steps i know but hopefully they will lead to a happier life for us all. i literally have no idea how to run a house. (i've never lived alone though.)

i'm apprehensive about the gp appointment and counselling. i haven't been sleeping very well. i'm back to work tomorrow and just hoping i can concentrate on my work during the day. i can't believe i've been so stupid for so long.

dontwannabecelibate

duchy wrote: »

Or having a child meant that with the change in the division of labour it heightened issues that were only minor irritations in the big (and still loved up) picture ?

this is what my wife says. when we were both working there was less to do than there is now. we had a cleaner and lots of nights out in the early days. then she took more responsibility at work and was shattered by the time she got home so we went out less and less. i suppose the appeal wears off when there's no mystery anymore. she'd come home and shower and put her pyjamas on before making dinner or ordering a takeaway.

we now have a bigger house and an even bigger mess-maker. she says she feels isolated because we moved away from friends and family and so often the only other adult she sees each day is me. i quite like routine but she's struggling with the loss of interaction with colleagues and so on.

she says she doesn't hate me but she's forgotten how to be in love with me like she was when she wasn't responsible for washing my pants.

dontwannabecelibate

coolcait wrote: »

MSE thread development

1) Create a new identity

2) Post about a sex-themed 'dilemma'

3) Carefully seed your posts with a selection of trigger points - e.g. lazy, unsupportive partner; selfish, obsessive gamer; allusions to behaviour which some might categorise as controlling or abusive

4) Don't overdo the trigger points. Alternatively, see how many you can fit in without toppling the thread. Either approach can be successful

5) Build up to a 'big reveal' moment. Timing is key, as the relevance of the 'reveal' to previous, or regular, topics on the board

6) Post the 'reveal'. e.g. "I've been told I might have Aspergers".

7) Allow the 'reveal' to split the discussion into at least two camps

8) Post again, to express your emotions on reactions to your situation. Again, timing, timing, timing.

9) See if the thread follows any of the other triggers you've put into your posts.

10) If it doesn't happen naturally, don't rule out the possibility of using another identity to nudge it in that direction.

Ten easy steps to an active thread which is not necessarily based on any significant level of veracity.

A cornerstone of the MSE canon.

i think there must be some horrible pain in your life that makes you say such horrible things.

gallygirl

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

she says she doesn't hate me but she's forgotten how to be in love with me like she was when she wasn't responsible for washing my pants.

:rotfl: Oh dear, I shouldn't laugh but I can't help it :rotfl:. I hope it was said with a little bit of humour? You're talking, which is great . Good luck :T.

heartbreak_star

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

thank you so much for this post. i've been trying to be more attentive to things that need doing and be a more useful part of the household for the last few days. my wife is still very angry with me, but we've both agreed to spend an hour after our child is in bed talking. we've booked an appointment with relate and i have an appointment with my gp on wednesday. i took a couple of days off work and stayed home with my wife. this let me see how much she does every day. the first day she literally didn't sit down all day. i wrote down some notes and the next day when i knew she'd be putting washing on or starting to make lunch i made sure the washing was already sorted and the dishwasher emptied and ready for the dirty plates.

i asked about getting a baby-sitter and going out but my wife isn't keen. she says she wants to see big changes in our lifestyle before she will want to do that. i haven't hogged the television or put the playstation on. yesterday my wife went out to meet a friend for the afternoon and i cared for our child. i intended to do some gardening but can see how hard it is to do anything productive with a child that needs looking after. my wife seemed happier when she got back but i know how dangerous our current situation is. these are all baby steps i know but hopefully they will lead to a happier life for us all. i literally have no idea how to run a house. (i've never lived alone though.)

i'm apprehensive about the gp appointment and counselling. i haven't been sleeping very well. i'm back to work tomorrow and just hoping i can concentrate on my work during the day. i can't believe i've been so stupid for so long.

Nice work - baby steps are the way forward in a situation like this. Sometimes big sweeping changes can't be kept up, but it's easy to build on small things.

Good luck

HBS x

dottymrsp

I'm with HBS - baby steps are the only way :-) Great work on making the doctors appointment and the relate appointment! Knowing you need to change is the first step, and you are doing brilliantly :-)

p.s. ignore all the meanies on here!

duchy

I do think if you read back to your first post -you'll see you're now seeing the big picture (although I did groan that you needed a day of observing before you realized how much she does but at least day 2 you got on with it )

I do think you've picked up on some key areas - that your wife misses not work itself but the social contact that comes along with it. For a lot of women their work is a part of their identity and leaving work to be a SAHM (no matter how wonderful your child is) is a huge culture shock and there are a lot of people who see them as "only" a Mum too.

You however get the best of both worlds- you get to be a parent but also keep your identity - Maybe not fair but a lot of women do feel like this to a greater or lesser extent about their children's fathers and it can add to the pressure if other things aren't quite as good as they could be (and having a child adds pressure to most relationships anyway).

Have you and your wife talked about if she intends to be a SAHM for the foreseeable future or if she intends to return to work either full or part-time at some point ? Often it's not just about money. I was ready to return to part-time work when my son was ten months old- I wouldn't have wanted to go full-time at that point but three days (one a Saturday so covered by Dad) was ideal and I really did enjoy going back and reclaiming my (work) identity (and having an excuse to decline some of the Mummy coffee mornings with women who I had nothing in common with except our kids were the same age ). It was nice to have work to discuss with my husband again too .

Even if the intention was always she stayed home - it may not hurt to check now and again she still feels the same. Just a thought.

Does she take LO to any activities, Mum and toddler group, baby swim classes, tumbletime etc |? Good for both of them to socialise in the day.

Morglin

Tropez wrote: »

To be fair though, virtually anything can be addictive and/or cause a hostile reaction if interrupted. It isn't just gaming. There are people who will lose their sh#t if you interrupt them while they're reading.

I completely agree that is something that you shouldn't put above your family. There's a gap of 2-4 hours each weekday night between my finishing work and my wife getting home from work. Gaming is one of several things I fill that gap with. Once my wife's home, unless she wants to play a game or wants to catch up on one of the shows she watches that I don't, I will rarely play a video game as I prefer to make time for her.

Yeah, it's probably about all things in moderation and with consideration.


But, looking at the thread, perhaps the compromise here is that he spends less time gaming, she spends less time whining, and they both clear up, clean the mould and then spend some 'couple time', talking to each other.

Lin