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Person_one

ljonski wrote: »

i am thinking of getting mum in front of the church worker to make a formal request, that if she goes into hospital etc then the church visitor should be contacted. This would mean then that i would be contacted by her. The care home says they don't have the church worker's details although this is at odds with what she has told me.......

But...your mum is a fully human intelligent person with her own mind and all her faculties, isn't she? So don't you mean you'll discuss it with her, or ask her to do you a favour rather than 'getting her' to do what you want her to do?

The care home are absolutely right not to share details about your mum with an unrelated church visitor, unless your mum explicitly asked them to do (freely) then they'd be breaching her confidentiality.

ljonski

ill edit it as it appears the meaning is not clear - thankyou for bringing it to my atttention

ash28

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

It can be made possible and practical but often it involves making sacrifices and that's what people don't want to do.Thousands of elderly people are cared for by relatives,they don't all get put in homes. Instead its easier to get other people to do it. That's the way of the world now.
Its a really bad attitude from OP whining like this that others are not doing XY and Z,whilst they are doing nothing.

If only it was easy as you say......

When my elderly MiL had to go into care our first thoughts were that she should come and live with us. We had a room downstairs she could have used as a bedroom, and although there was no shower downstairs we could have had one installed.

However, there were considerations; she couldn't be left on her own, so who would give up their job to stay at home - big mortgage and 3 young teens at home, both of us worked fulltime, OH in airtraffic and me as an industrial engineer. OH earned a lot more money than I did.

We lived in Berkshire, MiL lived in South Yorkshire. She wasn't my mother and I felt while I could do certain things for my own mother in terms of personal care, I wasn't sure I could do those things for MiL. (If I had wanted to be a carer I would have been one) OH knew he couldn't carry out personal care for his mother.

MiL didn't want to move from South Yorkshire, we didn't want to move to South Yorkshire and give up careers, childrens' schools etc, possibly to go on benefits or something. MiL wouldn't contemplate a care home near us. It had to be in the town she was where she was born and had lived all her life.

OH was a late baby, his mother was in her late forties when he was born, when she went into a home at 88, OH was 40, and our children were 14,13 and 11. She lived in the home until she died when she was just shy of 99.

Mojisola

ash28 wrote: »

I felt while I could do certain things for my own mother in terms of personal care, I wasn't sure I could do those things for MiL. (If I had wanted to be a carer I would have been one) OH knew he couldn't carry out personal care for his mother.

And would the elderly relative want personal care from sons/daughters/daughters-in-law?

I don't think I would want any of my relatives to have to wipe my backside for me.:(

ash28

ljonski wrote: »

When i or my cousin phone, the evidence of the call and what it contained should be written down in the daily log and then passed on to a member of staff in contact with my mum. There is plenty of time during the day to pass any information to her during bath, dressing time or any other numerous interactions,
She used to enjoy sitting in the foyer and hearing the vibrations and seeing the shadows of people as they go to and fro.

I have now contacted the manager and given a few points in writing to her in a much milder form than i originally intended. A qualified social worker friend has promised to read my email and the reply and then we can discuss what if anything to do next.

i am thinking of getting mum is she so desires,in front of the church worker to make a formal request, that if she goes into hospital etc then the church visitor should be contacted. This would mean then that i would be contacted by her. The care home says they don't have the church worker's details although this is at odds with what she has told me.......

We found what worked when MiL was in carehome (for over 10 years) that was 220 miles away from us, was to build a relationship with the staff, from the manager to ladies who looked after her.

We found out the best times to ring and then used to ring once or twice a week to see how she was doing. We didn't always need or want to speak to the manager, anyone would do. We just wanted to know how things were going. They used to tell us about her getting into debt with the sweet and magazine trolley, going into town with one of the carers (when she was able), all sorts of things.

We had good relationship with the staff and we didn't tell them or MiL in advance when we were visiting, we just used to turn up. We soon learned not to turn up at lunch time. It was the aggravation in the dayroom because you were sitting in someone's seat!! We visited en masse at least once a month until the children were grown up and then although the visits didn't change the kids didn't always come with us - although at least one of them usually did.

In the last year or so of her life she became senile and it was quite upsetting to visit and she didn't have a clue who we were or why we were there. On the advice of the home we cut the visits down then, not because they upset her but because they upset us, especially OH, so much. Then we went every couple of months but still rang once or twice a week.

You should try and build a relationship with the staff and management of the home, it will pay dividends.

The staff were wonderful and we are eteranally grateful to them.

ash28

Mojisola wrote: »

And would the elderly relative want personal care from sons/daughter/daughter-in-laws?

I don't think I would want any of my relatives to have to wipe my backside for me.:(

Exactly. And MiL, when she was compos mentis would have been absolutely mortified....if she had allowed it at all. And there is no way she would have let OH do anything for her.....I don't he ever saw anything above his mother's knee - ever.

Mojisola

ash28 wrote: »

We soon learned not to turn up at lunch time.

Dad's home had 'protected meal times' and asked visitors not to come at those times so that the staff could concentrate on the residents.

Any visitors who wanted to eat with their relation/friend could book a meal and then stay over meal times.

I was often at the home in the run-up to mealtimes and could have look at what arrived in the dining room while I helped Dad get settled before leaving. The cooks were very good and the food always looked appetizing.

ash28

Mojisola wrote: »

Dad's home had 'protected meal times' and asked visitors not to come at those times so that the staff could concentrate on the residents.

Any visitors who wanted to eat with their relation/friend could book a meal and then stay over meal times.

I was often at the home in the run-up to mealtimes and could have look at what arrived in the dining room while I helped Dad get settled before leaving. The cooks were very good and the food always looked appetizing.

Having so far to travel we were often at the vagaries of the traffic, however if we arrived during lunch time we just used to go and wait in the day room and watched tv or read until the residents were finished in the dining room. The chairs comments came while we were waiting and the residents started to come into the day room....."that's Mrs Smith's chair...", "you're in Mr Thomson's chair......" - you can only say "I know I'll move when they come in" so many times!

We usually tried to time our visits for the early afternoon, so we could spend the whole afternoon with her, but we couldn't always make it. And sometimes we arrived a bit earlier than anticipated. It was a 440 mile round trip and to be honest it was a long old day.

I don't know what they ate but she certainly fared well on it.

Mojisola

ash28 wrote: »

The chairs comments came while we were waiting and the residents started to come into the day room....."that's Mrs Smith's chair...", "you're in Mr Thomson's chair......" - you can only say "I know I'll move when they come in" so many times!

My Dad thought he'd try a different chair one day in their lounge and got a right telling-off from the chair's usual occupant!

Mind you, at home him and Mum always had their own chairs so I suppose he should have known better.:)

Tiddlywinks

ljonski wrote: »

im squeezing in a 240 mile round trip in a day via public transport and i want to know that Mum knows im coming!

ljonski wrote: »

Living so far away means that turning up unannounced is not really an option. When i do visit , i just want to spend quality with my mum rather than doing a covert inspection.

As regards the church visitor not being informed: Mum has been going to church all her life and the majority of it to that church that bothers to send a visitor to her.That church in particular is closer than family in many respects and don't use her to fund their lifestyles (something i could accuse family members of). Both mum and i would want them to be informed of anything exceptional happening in her life.

I am frustrated that even though i only come 4 times a year, everytime i come there is something amiss that really could be tackled and noticed by a close family member that lives 2 miles away.

OK - I've highlighted the bits that jumped out at me.

Firstly, why do you only visit four times a year? Distance is surely not the barrier.

A '240 mile round trip' is not exactly onerous in this day and age. I often do more in a working day. On public transport you can even fit in some reading or sleeping!

What is preventing you from visiting more often and building a positive relationship with the carers? Getting to know each other would help communications.

Secondly, you appear to be estranged from your siblings and a little bitter about finances - suck it up. What's more important than your mum at this point?

If your mum is as intelligent and lucid as you describe then she can do as she wishes with her money... even sticking everything she owns on a donkey racing at the derby! Her choices, her money.