1 email a week?

Wilma33

ljonski wrote: »

There is a church visitor that does go and tells me about her about every 2 months, but even she has complained to me that the home has not contacted her whenever something like this has happened.

It is completely unrealistic to expect a care home to contact three siblings and a church visitor every time something happens to your mother! They will contact the "official contact" and expect them to cascade the information to other interested parties.

coolcats

I have simuliar issues, except the person in question is much younger and in hospital longer term. I totally understand the staff are there to do a job, which is care for the people on the ward. And that comes first, but I also have the issue I am 4 hours away by public transport and can't get there as much as I'd like. Also I have the issue of other family members and lack of communication between us.

I currently text in the morning(only way we communicate) with family member daily to how person is and the latest news. Examples of replies will be the same as yesturday, sat up watching tv, has had pyhsio, hard day. Now if I ask for more info I get no reply and sometimes no reply to the daily text.

When I phone the ward daily in the afternoon (family member hasn't always been aware of phone call) sometimes the nurse will phone me back, sometimes not. But I get a better update on the situation depending on the nurse and how well they know the latest.

If I was to rely just on family memeber I would get told nothing, but again if I was to rely on ward it will take a few calls to get the info.

I do believe the family member locally should be relaying the info to the rest of the family, but that will never happen. They have already said the will not text unless I ask for info, even then they won't always say, for example person has changed wards only comes from the nurse.

One thing I have learned is there is no ideal world when dealing with people, don't expect anything and everything else is a bonus.

I would suggest try communicating with family, but also build up the relationship with the home, phone the same day and rough time, hopefully it will be the same person who updates you.

trevorsminted

I could understand if you were a regular visit for 4 visits in a year with staff turnovers they may not recognise you enough for you to gain their confidence. Family members in the vicinity I assume are able to visit more regularly so could you not call them maybe once a week for a catch up I am sure nurses have more urgent engagements in their daily tasks then calling up several residents family members to give a run down of the patients daily routine, sorry don't mean to sound harsh but once a quarter visit and only 120 miles seems not a lot and maybe why they feel you are not their first port of call.

Katie__3-2

If you want to know how she is weekly- ring the home weekly.


If you have concerns over the level of care they are providing, ring and ask to speak to the registered manager- he/she cannot fix your problems unless he/she know what they are!


If you want to be notified quicker with regards to hospital admissions, could you not initiate a 'cease fire' (even if just on this subject) and request that your siblings notify you? It does make sense for the home, when only contacting one relative (which is usual), for it to be the most local, who is most likely to visit whilst in hospital.

Seanymph

In the case of my grandmother I was the one 'on the ground' - so I see the other side.

My siblings didn't call, didn't ask after her, didn't shoulder any of the stress, worry, daily care - and they turned up twice a year and criticised. Meanwhile it was MY life that was turned upside down and had to accomodate the day day to day necessities.

Your siblings may wish for nothing more than your interest and support - but they will be simmering in their own resentment that you are swanning about living your independent life whilst they shoulder the responsibilities.

And I can promise that no amount of 'living off' compensates for that. My grandmother would occasionally pay for some petrol or whatever, and I daresay that my siblings would react similarly to yourself, but I'd rather not have been dealing with what I had to alone.

Phone them, offer help, see how you can take some of the responsibility, value the sacrifices they are making - blimey, just SEEING the sacrifices would have done for me.

There is always another side, I'd have welcomed anyone showing an interest to be honest - of course doctors and everyone always phoned me, I was driving her to appointments, present when things happened, phoning for advice, doing her shopping, keeping her company..... why on earth would they phone someone who they never dealt with? And I didn't pass that along every week to my sisters because they showed no interest.

Perhaps you could approach your siblings and explain you would like to be involved - I know I would have welcomed it.

dandelionclock30

Why don't you look after her yourself?, your not happy with her care or the amount you are contacted. It always makes me sad when peoples parents are in care homes. I would always look after my parents first unless they became really violent etc from dementia. Its all too easy to criticize others but what are you doing exactly for your Mum?

Marisco

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Why don't you look after her yourself?, your not happy with her care or the amount you are contacted. It always makes me sad when peoples parents are in care homes. I would always look after my parents first unless they became really violent etc from dementia. Its all too easy to criticize others but what are you doing exactly for your Mum?

A lot of the time this is neither possible or practical.

dandelionclock30

It can be made possible and practical but often it involves making sacrifices and that's what people don't want to do.Thousands of elderly people are cared for by relatives,they don't all get put in homes. Instead its easier to get other people to do it. That's the way of the world now.
Its a really bad attitude from OP whining like this that others are not doing XY and Z,whilst they are doing nothing.

ljonski

ah . another positive reply from dandelion to add to the myriad of others that they have posted since 2011

dandelionclock30

At least I take responsibility for my parents OP and they are not shoved in a home. Please before criticizing me get off your backside and start helping. But its easier to get at others isn't it when the failings are with you. No wonder the care home staff and your siblings don't contact you. You visit your Mum 4 times per year !!!!!!! How disgraceful and shameful.