1 email a week?

ljonski

How disgraceful and shameful.

Couldn't have put it better myself!

dandelionclock30

ljonski wrote: »

Living so far away means that turning up unannounced is not really an option. When i do visit , i just want to spend quality with my mum rather than doing a covert inspection.

As regards the church visitor not being informed: Mum has been going to church all her life and the majority of it to that church that bothers to send a visitor to her.That church in particular is closer than family in many respects and don't use her to fund their lifestyles (something i could accuse family members of). Both mum and i would want them to be informed of anything exceptional happening in her life.

I am frustrated that even though i only come 4 times a year, everytime i come there is something amiss that really could be tackled and noticed by a close family member that lives 2 miles away.

I find it increasingly difficult not to judge in this respect and the only option that i have is a diplomatic silence that one day all the wrongs will really be righted.

Says it all about you doesn't it?.

Marisco

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

It can be made possible and practical but often it involves making sacrifices and that's what people don't want to do.Thousands of elderly people are cared for by relatives,they don't all get put in homes. Instead its easier to get other people to do it. That's the way of the world now.
Its a really bad attitude from OP whining like this that others are not doing XY and Z,whilst they are doing nothing.

Can it? My daughter lives in Wales, my son down South, and I live up here. My kids have their own lives and jobs, as do I up here (not job am now retired). So who do you suggests gives up their home, job and life then? My kids? Which one? Or do you think I should move although my life and friends are here, and I neither want to live in Wales or down south? Not so easy is it? And I would absolutely hate it for my kids to give up their lives just because of me.

People no longer live down the street or in the next street like they used to years ago, like my family they are scattered to the 4 winds, and they no longer have big houses either, most new builds these day are like rabbit hutches, compared to houses built years ago.

If that is what you want to do, fair enough, but stop making it sound as if anyone who doesn't is somehow lacking in the compassion department! It's not always as easy as "just move in with us"!!!

Buzzybee90

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Why don't you look after her yourself?, your not happy with her care or the amount you are contacted. It always makes me sad when peoples parents are in care homes. I would always look after my parents first unless they became really violent etc from dementia. Its all too easy to criticize others but what are you doing exactly for your Mum?

OP didn't choose to be born and it's not their responsibility to look after their mother. My parents have always told me they don't want me to look after them as they chose to have me for the job of children, not to have a carer in old age.

I think it's pretty off that you are suggesting people should give up their lives just to look after elderly people.

dandelionclock30

Really? I think its pretty off that elderly people are often shoved in care homes because their families don't prioritize them. Not many would choose to live in a care home and have you seen how many enquiries there's been into abuse and neglect in these places? It happens time and time again. I personally think morally people do have a responsibility to look after relatives but that's me. Not visit 4 times per year and be acting like OP,thinking that everyone should be doing absolutely everything whilst he does nothing.
No wonder some care home staff cannot bear the relatives of the residents.

j.e.j.

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Really? I think its pretty off that elderly people are often shoved in care homes because their families don't prioritize them. Not many would choose to live in a care home and have you seen how many enquiries there's been into abuse and neglect in these places? It happens time and time again. I personally think morally people do have a responsibility to look after relatives but that's me. Not visit 4 times per year and be acting like OP,thinking that everyone should be doing absolutely everything whilst he does nothing.
No wonder some care home staff cannot bear the relatives of the residents.

Oh well by that logic why don't people look after their own children, then, instead of putting them into childcare

Marisco

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Really? I think its pretty off that elderly people are often shoved in care homes because their families don't prioritize them. Not many would choose to live in a care home and have you seen how many enquiries there's been into abuse and neglect in these places? It happens time and time again. I personally think morally people do have a responsibility to look after relatives but that's me. Not visit 4 times per year and be acting like OP,thinking that everyone should be doing absolutely everything whilst he does nothing.
No wonder some care home staff cannot bear the relatives of the residents.

So, people should put their lives on hold indefinitely then to look after relatives? How would that work then? With people having kids now older and older, a 50 + year old could still have kids that are not yet teenagers!! Would they be expected to look after old relatives as well as their kids?

If that is what some want to do, then fine, but before blythly saying that everyone is morally obligated, have a bit of a think through all sorts of different scenarios first, I've given you 2 already where it's neither practical or possible, I'm sure others could come up with a few more!

ETA, I've just thought as well, with people living longer and longer, are people supposed to look after their parents as well as their grandparents? What? All living in the same house??

Buzzybee90

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Really? I think its pretty off that elderly people are often shoved in care homes because their families don't prioritize them. Not many would choose to live in a care home and have you seen how many enquiries there's been into abuse and neglect in these places? It happens time and time again. I personally think morally people do have a responsibility to look after relatives but that's me. Not visit 4 times per year and be acting like OP,thinking that everyone should be doing absolutely everything whilst he does nothing.
No wonder some care home staff cannot bear the relatives of the residents.

None of my close relatives have ever been into a care home. But, that doesn't mean it is their children's responsibility to look after them (even though lots do). Even if you do live nearby, it's an awful lot of work to look after an elderly parent and children have their own lives.

Like Marisco says, it's highly plausible that someone with elderly parents still has young children.

dandelionclock30

j.e.j. wrote: »

Oh well by that logic why don't people look after their own children, then, instead of putting them into childcare

Different situation really, people tend to use childminders as a shared care arrangement. The child tends to still live at home, thus is sill being primarily looked after by the parents.

Brighton_belle

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Why don't you look after her yourself?, your not happy with her care or the amount you are contacted. It always makes me sad when peoples parents are in care homes. I would always look after my parents first unless they became really violent etc from dementia. Its all too easy to criticize others but what are you doing exactly for your Mum?

So just checking...you haven't actually done it yet?