Probable Breakup

fairy_lights

brokenheartedman wrote: »

I've also urged her to talk things through with her parents before making a any final decision.

Why would she talk things through with her parents before breaking up with you (or not)?
It's not really anything to do with them. Perhaps that's part of the problem; having been with you since her teens and living with her parents means she hasn't really had a taste of independence. Maybe she just needs some time on her own for a while.

brokenheartedman

fairy_lights wrote: »

Why would she talk things through with her parents before breaking up with you (or not)?
It's not really anything to do with them. Perhaps that's part of the problem; having been with you since her teens and living with her parents means she hasn't really had a taste of independence. Maybe she just needs some time on her own for a while.

Because I know they'll give her the advice that she needs - whether thats to break up with me or not. They've been together since they where teenagers and have at some stage possibly felt the feelings that she is now feeling. They'll also put it to her that she will have to start thinking about moving out one day, I'm not saying that day will be next week but she can't stay at home forever.

I know it may all sound abit naive, but I know that this is hurting her as much as it is me, she says she loves me and doesn't want to break up but feels we may need to. I'm 100% sure there is no-one else and that her mixed emotions are genuine, she really doesn't know what to do. I just want to her to be absolutely sure she's doing the right thing, whatever that may be.

fairy_lights

brokenheartedman wrote: »

Because I know they'll give her the advice that she needs - whether thats to break up with me or not. They've been together since they where teenagers and have at some stage possibly felt the feelings that she is now feeling. They'll also put it to her that she will have to start thinking about moving out one day, I'm not saying that day will be next week but she can't stay at home forever.

I'm sorry but that sounds a bit patronising. If she wanted advice I'm sure she would ask for it herself and I'm sure she's perfectly aware that she will need to leave home eventually.

happiness.v4

I don't think asking her, to ask her parents is a bad idea at all. When I lived at home the parentals were my go to relationship advisors. Living on my own now - I'm stuffed! No idea at all! ;-)

Just wanted to wish you luck. To me, sadly this sounds ill fated.... I would say give her space....but be prepared for some heart break... I think it's coming sadly :-(

VestanPance

The OP really needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Sadly he's in phase one, denial.

She's trying to break up with you. You don't have a long term future. If anything she's doing the age old guilt reversal and trying to get you to pull the trigger. She wants an out for what ever reason, but she's not put on her big girl pants to come out with it directly.

Secondly just reflect on your relationship. Nine years and you're not even talking about living together, or long term plans! That's not normal, even for a couple who get together when young. You're a security blanket of familiarisation, but one that's now suffocating and that she no longer wants.

I feel sorry for you, as when the truth finally slaps you in the face it's going to hurt big style.

27yearoldmale

OP - been in this situation before.

Your story mirrors many!

Problem you have now is the fact that you have left the ball firmly in her court...not atractive letting her call the shots on your relationship and a very 'un-manly' thing.

Best piece of advice.....get out there and chase some fresh skirt! Chances are she will come running back to you.

This situation is a classic example of a girl that loves someone like you deeply as a 'friend' ends a relationship, she doesn't want to be with you, but won't want you to be with anyone else...

She will play games, believe me.

Been in your position.

Good luck.

Nickg370

Good advice 27yearoldmale.

I have been in this position too after a 9 year relationship (18-27). Except it was role reversal and me doing the "gentle" dumping which I thought was the kindest thing. I just needed to come up with some excuses. So it was: "Of course I love you but I just don't see a future right now" and "I feel we need to break up as it's going nowhere although I don't really want to break up - but it's just best". This was a few years ago and when I look back I should have just been direct and honest rather than make what are pretty feeble excuses which she is clearly doing. It just strung things along for a while and ultimately hurt both of us more I'm sure.

It says a lot that she is trying to let you down gently but believe me that's what it is. You come across as a nice, caring guy but she wants to move on. Trying to "win her back" and "give her space" really, really does not work in these situations.

She may panic and come running back, but as another poster said earlier in the thread that will be temporary and you'll have to go through the heartbreak again.

I know it feels like there's no-one else for you in the world but believe me there are loads of lucky ladies - now go and enjoy yourself for a while and one day you'll meet the right one.....

TBeckett100

I think the girlfriend has reached the stage where she wants to try out new people. It happens with Young relationships, everyone else shacking up after trying before they buy and here she is having no life experience.

As Elsa said, let it go. It's bloody hard I know but if it isn't meant to be then unpicking the car crash when there is a mortgage, kids and maintenance will be more painful.

fivesquare

brokenheartedman wrote: »

But then she says that because she can't imagine herself doing any of the above, then we are going to split up in the future so may as well split up now. She also says that she still loves me, enjoys spending time together and doesn't WANT to split up, but she THINKS we made need to. She also says she could regret it if we split up.

Pollycat mentioned it above... something might have happened - like health issues or something really serious. This might be her way of letting you go, in a very selfless way.

brokenheartedman

Update, the letter arrived yesterday, she text me thanking me for my kind words, we had a chat and about us and we've decided to end our relationship. It's not what I want and it's not what she wants, she just feels it needs to happen. I'm heartbroken, she's heartbroken and the worst thing I can do now is keep pushing her. She's coming for tea and staying over tonight, one last night togehter will be closure for us both. We've agreed that ther'll be no pleading to give things another go or anything like, just celebrating what we've had for so long before going our separate ways, we stillove each other and we plan to remain friends, although in the immediate future we will have to give each other space.

Her parents are away so won't know of the breakup until next week, she doesn't want them to be worried about her. I've wrote them a letter for her to give to them when she tells them, basically explaining that I didn't want to walk away without saying bye and thanking them for everything they've done for us both. I've also offered to be there when she tells them if she can't do it alone, at the moment tho she plans on doing it herself.