Probable Breakup

brokenheartedman

Hi, so I'm more than likely going to be dumped by my partner and I am looking for some advice.

History

I'm in my mid 20s and my partner is in her early 20s, we've been together for 9 years. We are all each other has ever known. She currently lives at home with her parents and I have been living on my own for the past 2 years. We had a conversation about 12 months ago about moving in together, to which she said she couldn't afford it and the decison was made that we carry on our current arrangement (she sleeps over 2-3 times a week). We have no children. We have never discussed marriage/ children.

All has been relatively fine until recently. My girlfriend broke the news to me that she can't see herself moving out of her parents, getting married or having children - she didn't know whether this was with me or with anyone. I was taken aback as marriage/ babies hadn't been discussed, I assured her I am not ready for that at this stage also and moving in was already dealt with, we both agreed that our current situation was fine. But then she says that because she can't imagine herself doing any of the above, then we are going to split up in the future so may as well split up now. She also says that she still loves me, enjoys spending time together and doesn't WANT to split up, but she THINKS we made need to. She also says she could regret it if we split up. She says she's never been on her own and doesn't know how that feels.

Obviously I am totally devastated and don't know what to do. As it stands I am giving her a few days space (no texting/ calling etc) and waiting for her to contact me when she feels ready, although I'm fearing the worst. This is as of last night.

I've written my thoughts down and in a letter and posted that to her, it should arrive tomorrow. I've also urged her to talk things through with her parents before making a any final decision.

I'm at a loss at what to do. My only other thought is to when contact is re-established is to suggest a break from our relationship - a break as in we don't go out with other people but we don't have contact or see each other for a couple of weeks, just go out with our own friends etc, then sit down and decide where we go from here.

Anybody any suggestions? Am i flogging a dead horse? Do breaks work?

McCloud1

The only real advice I would offer is the more you push and prostrate yourself in front of her, the less likely she will want you. Women are almost universally more attracted to self-sufficient, confident men with a sense of direction. They want to be deeply wanted, but not desperately needed if that makes sense.

McCloud1

I would add, having been in a similar situation with a childhood sweetheart, my view is that it sounds like it's over. Being realistic, given her attitude towards relationships/your relationship, do you see a future with her anyway?

fivetide

What I'm getting when I read this is "if it is always the same biscuit in the barrel, who wants a biscuit?"


I bet she thinks she is missing out on things. To be honest, after that amount of time together it seems strange your relationship has never got more serious, as in actually living together.


She doesn't know how it feels to be on her own and I suspect wants to try it.

Claire_A87

Sorry OP - although you sound like you're dealing with it all in a sensible and mature way.

Sorry to say this, but it kind of sounds like she's mentally already broken up with you, but hasn't gone through with it because she's scared the grass isn't greener on the other side.

Personally, I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years and at the age of 20 realised that although I loved my (then) OH as a person, I had no romatic feelings towards him anymore. I left for 2 days, got cold feet & came back (we lived together), then ended up leaving again for good a month and half later. I'd already ended the relationship mentally, and I guess the first time I left I was just dipping my toe in the water before actually going for it.

As said, it sounds like your doing the right thing, but don't just think of her; you've also got to look after your own emotional wellbeing. You may just need to be blunt with her and say you don't want the relationship to end, but if she does then she needs to make a decision rather than skirting round something, and that you'll respect whatever she decides.

brokenheartedman

I would love for our relationship to continue, and deep down I think she does too - she says she still loves me and doesn't want the relationship to end, she feels we may need to end it. Alot our friends have recently moved in together or got engaged, so I think that's brought on these long terms doubts, I'm hoping by giving her some space she'll overcome these doubts and continue our relationship.

brokenheartedman

I've made my feelings clear - she knows I don't want this to end, thats why I'm giving her some space.

Orlando_Virgin

First off I'm sorry for you at this sad time mate. I have been in a similar position, when she is confused etc. and you're getting mixed messages.

All I would say, is that IF she decides that she has made a mistake and decides she wants to carry on, can YOU feel secure enough and keep trust enough that she won't turn around and say it again? It could destroy your confidence in yourself and the relationship.

I couldn't get it back, and I wished I'd walked away instead of searching for a reason for so long, and even for a while looking to myself for what I'd done wrong, instead of just moving on. If she does decide it's over, then I would seriously advise you just move on, you deserve more than after 9 years "think I might never wanna move out of my parents and get married" - weird.

Good luck mate, whatever you decide.

supermassive

I've never understood this attitude to life. If you've found someone and they've been good enough to be with for that length of time, what on earth is going on in your head that's making you think you need to be 'alone' or 'break up'? I'm a serial monogamist, admittedly, but jesus.... if you can't settle with anyone, you're going to be a flake the rest of your life and die alone.

Mazzarati2000

Is there a chance that she's trying to prompt you to propose?

PlymouthMaid

I am sure she must love you after all that time together but suspect she is worried about any future commitment as she, presumably, has no way of comparing your relationship with others and so cannot tell if it will be a 'grown up' relationship with all that entails one day or if she wants that with you. If you split, which seems very likely, she may well realise it was a mistake one day but, of course, you most likely will have moved on or things may not work out well after time apart. On the other hand it could focus her mind more about actually moving out from her parents' house. It is quite sad really but first loves often end in early adulthood.