Probable Breakup

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If she's thought about the future and can't envisage it with you, then she's doing the right thing in telling you. It's a shame, but she's being honest, and it's far, far better than stringing you along in the hope that things will improve.

Allowing this to end nicely, whilst still sad, is the best thing you both can do for all concerned - and there is no way on earth she should be asking her parents what to do, because it's down to her feelings, nobody else's. all the logic in the world about what a nice guy you are, how you've managed living independently, etc, can make your relationship what she needs for the future.

Let her go. If you need to tell her that it's not working if she can't even imagine a future with you, then be brave and tell her that.

Tinwhistler

Maybe she could try living with you for a fortnight just temporary. She could be co-dependant and could read up and see if she agrees.

swingaloo

I see this slightly differently.


You have been together 9 years so must have been together since very early teens.


I was with my ex husband from being 14 and we married when we were 20. I knew for ages before the wedding that it wasn't really what I wanted but times were different then and I didn't dare tell anyone I didn't want to go through with it.


He had been my only boyfriend and as a teen I wasn't that confident and really thought that if I finished with him I may not get anyone else. All our friends were joint friends and I had no idea how to start again.


But I had started a job and saw all the other girls my age having different boyfriends and a completely different type of social life to me. I was jealous and deep down envied them so much and wished I could be the same.


I suspect your partner has matured and seen that there is more life out there that she is missing out on. You sound a lovely caring type of man but when I read your post I can see my 'young self' in your partners place. I think she is trying to let you down gently by the things she is saying.


Hard as it may be, let her go. If she has these doubts now about missing out on dating etc they will not go away and will only resurface later even if she gets over this blip.


I went ahead with my wedding and had so many regrets and that's not the way to live. Please don't make her feel guilty by giving her so many options as to how to make it work out for you. Let her move on and after you come to terms with it you may just thank her.

bagpussbear

My advice would be not to do anything else at this stage, however frustrating that feels. You've agreed a few days space, and you have written her a letter with your thoughts and feelings. There isn't anything you can do to force the situation, and in any case you shouldn't.

It sounds like she has been with you since she was about 13/14 and hasn't known anything else. There isn't anything wrong in wanting to experience a different bit of life now, and it's her way of saying though she loves you, she wants to experience being on her own, or being with other people. I guess there isn't an easy way of saying this.

I am so sorry you are feeling so hurt. My advice to you would be to step back, look after yourself, and you need to take your mind off the situation as best you can by doing things you enjoy, see friends, watch movies etc to get you through the next few days. And then reassess the situation once she is in touch.

You never know, she may have a change of heart and everything will be just fine after a few days. But if not, then remember, you WILL be ok :-)

barba

Is she looking for commitment?

What don't you propose?

brokenheartedman

Quick update, I was giving her space, only since last night, but I sent a quick text message and mentioned a potential break (wasn't previosuly discussed) and suggesting it doesn't have to be black or white straight away, she said she'll think about it and we've left it at that. Back to giving her space now and I'll be speaking to her when she contacts me.

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine

barba wrote: »

Is she looking for commitment?

What don't you propose?

Considering the OP's partner is a young woman who sounds like she may potentially be feeling stifled and wanting to see whether the grass really is greener on the other side of a very long relationship, this is possibly the worst advice to give the OP, IMO A marriage proposal would shriek desperation and a last ditch attempt at gaining ownership, and it certainly won't fix a sinking ship.

swingaloo

I agree with Pheonix, I feel a proposal will just be putting her on the spot and unfair.

Bella73

To be honest it does sound like she is trying to break up but nicely.

I find it a little odd that after 9 years you have never discussed the future, such as marriage if you believe it in or children, I don't mean to actually get married or have a child but to have never discussed it seems odd to me, I would have thought most people would have discussed it even in a in five years time sort of way.

tea_lover

Less than 24 hours before texting, sending letters, trying to get her parents involved - none of this is giving her space at all. The more you harass her while she's trying to think, the more likely it is that she'll end things for good.