suspicions confirmed

DUTR

Pollycat wrote: »

I didn't say it was my concern.

In fact, I believe I made the point that I - that is me personally - have never even tried to access my OH's handset.

I was merely commenting on the fact that - in my opinion - to retain videos of sex with an ex-partner is weird and - again in my opinion - tacky and disrespectful to the person your are currently in a relationship with.


More irrational?
I don't think the OP is being irrational at all.

She clearly had suspicions that had a basis in fact.

And she did find something.
A video of her partner of over 5 years having sex with his ex despite him denying they had a close relationship.

I am agreeing with you, not debating to win anything, you already know you can trust your partner etc, so if one day you suddenly started suspecting he maybe up to no good (even though he wasn't ) are you saying you wouldn't feel bad towards yourself for letting the inner green monster get the upper hand?
Did you ever see a film called end of the affair? It was about a husband who thought his wife was having an affair and got a PI to check things out for him.

Whether it be a video, photo's or dinner date is sort of irrelevant to what it was, perhaps he has not found anyone who can overwrite his happy memories from the past, that is not to defend him, as the damage is done, the OP should make plans for a future, who knows she may meet someone at work in the locker room :eek:

JIL

DUTR wrote: »

What people have on their personal phone is up to them (as long as it's legal) .

I agree the OP has snooped now and will snoop again.
It is something not acceptable to her , so should plan around what she should do from here on end.

It is up to anyone what they have on their phone as long as its legal. But usually the photos or videos have a meaning. This is him having sex with a woman he was supposed to be in a relationship more than five years ago.
He is not in that relationship now he is with someone else.
That's why I find it strange, does the other party know he has the video? Did he shoot the video, it could be the ex taking it hoping it will be seen by the op. My phone doesn't need to be unlocked for the camera to work.
Even if this video is over five years old, I would bet the phone isn't, not many people keep handsets that long which means the boyfriend is keeping this video, why?

pinkladyof66

from this previous thread seems as if things have been rocky for quite some time as far back as 2012

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4362647

Pollycat

DUTR wrote: »

I am agreeing with you, not debating to win anything, you already know you can trust your partner etc, so if one day you suddenly started suspecting he maybe up to no good (even though he wasn't ) are you saying you wouldn't feel bad towards yourself for letting the inner green

No point replying to a hypothetical situation.

It assumes I have a suspicious nature - I don't.
It assumes I would 'snoop' through his personal stuff - I wouldn't.
So - absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

DUTR wrote: »

Whether it be a video, photo's or dinner date is sort of irrelevant to what it was, perhaps he has not found anyone who can overwrite his happy memories from the past, that is not to defend him, as the damage is done, the OP should make plans for a future, who knows she may meet someone at work in the locker room :eek:

I think we really have to agree to disagree here.

You appear to think it perfectly normal to keep a video of you having sex with an ex on your phone.
I don't think it normal at all.
I can't see the similarity between a dinner date (?) and a sex session selfie.

If the OP's partner can't find anyone who can overwrite his happy memories from the past, he should have done the decent thing and told his current partner, not make her feel she was making things up by suspecting him.

You seem pretty defensive of the OP's partner in this thread - you're not him by any chance? :rotfl:


ETA:
Just read the OP's other posts.
She was having a rocky time with this guy 2 years ago and 6 months ago had decided she was moving back into her property when the agreement with the renters expired.


It will also answer your questions about why she split up with her ex.

DUTR

JIL wrote: »

It is up to anyone what they have on their phone as long as its legal. But usually the photos or videos have a meaning. This is him having sex with a woman he was supposed to be in a relationship more than five years ago.
He is not in that relationship now he is with someone else.
That's why I find it strange, does the other party know he has the video? Did he shoot the video, it could be the ex taking it hoping it will be seen by the op. My phone doesn't need to be unlocked for the camera to work.

I'm not denying you find it strange, every photo (even the non sexual ones or even with people) have meaning years later, there are even videos of car washing or parts of chess matches etc :eek: , handsets rarely have to be unlocked for the camera to work, but often they have to be unlocked to view content, as posted by another, the OP and her partner have had issues from before now, for whatever reason she has stayed with the guy until and beyond this discovery.

DUTR

Pollycat wrote: »

No point replying to a hypothetical situation.

It assumes I have a suspicious nature - I don't.
It assumes I would 'snoop' through his personal stuff - I wouldn't.
So - absolutely nothing to feel bad about.


I think we really have to agree to disagree here.

You appear to think it perfectly normal to keep a video of you having sex with an ex on your phone.
I don't think it normal at all.
I can't see the similarity between a dinner date (?) and a sex session selfie.

If the OP's partner can't find anyone who can overwrite his happy memories from the past, he should have done the decent thing and told his current partner, not make her feel she was making things up by suspecting him.

You seem pretty defensive of the OP's partner in this thread - you're not him by any chance? :rotfl:


ETA:
Just read the OP's other posts.
She was having a rocky time with this guy 2 years ago and 6 months ago had decided she was moving back into her property when the agreement with the renters expired.


It will also answer your questions about why she split up with her ex.

Polly it wasn't a hypothetical question, as you are not in that situation or that kind of person, so it will be difficult to imagine from a viewpoint of someone who has let the green mosnter get the better of them.

I wouldn't delete the content of my phone because others may feel it is weird, the content isn't on there to the approval of others.

So are you saying if the OP's partner had a pic of himself and an ex at a restaurant taken by the waiter and the OP had discovered that, then that would be OK?

Yes, what people do vs what they should do, do not always go hand in hand, perhaps that is evidence that the decent guys are few and far between or already snapped up.

I said in another post I'm not defending the OP's partner, just that from where I'm sitting, when the next GF comes into my life, I'm not going to reformat my hard drive and delete the content of my phone or stop listening to any old song that reminds me of a happy time in my past, I wouldn't expect or want them to do the same either.

ETA I canot see a post by happytravels as to what happened to the previous partner or how she ended up with her current partner.

Blue_Violet

Oh dear how upsetting for you not the best way to be proved right. In my opinion its good advice to start the ball rolling with your tenants so you can move back into your place but what you do with your partner is your choice.

Have you considered that he "wanted" you to find this video he knew you had suspicions about his ex and its logical that you would be looking for evidence. Hard though it may be to take it may be that he wants you to ditch him because he can't do it to you? I think you have to have some serious time to think and maybe talk with a friend, five years is a long time and no doubt your children are attached but can you live with someone who cheats, lies and disrespects you because you can't do one of these without doing the others.

Really sorry you are having such a difficult time wish I could give you a hug x

Pollycat

DUTR wrote: »

Polly it wasn't a hypothetical question, as you are not in that situation or that kind of person, so it will be difficult to imagine from a viewpoint of someone who has let the green mosnter get the better of them.

You asked me what I would do in a situation that I'm not in, so of course it was a hypothetical question.

DUTR wrote: »

I wouldn't delete the content of my phone because others may feel it is weird, the content isn't on there to the approval of others.

As I said in an earlier post, we will just have to agree to disagree on that one.
To me - and I am speaking specifically about a sex video with an ex - it's about respecting the person you are with, not about looking fondly back to how an ex-partner may have performed sexually.

DUTR wrote: »

So are you saying if the OP's partner had a pic of himself and an ex at a restaurant taken by the waiter and the OP had discovered that, then that would be OK?

I personally wouldn't find that a problem, so I guess yes, it would be OK (to me).
But if my partner had a video of him having sex with an ex that he has allegedly been split up from for over 5 years, then I would not see that as OK.

DUTR wrote: »

I said in another post I'm not defending the OP's partner, just that from where I'm sitting, when the next GF comes into my life, I'm not going to reformat my hard drive and delete the content of my phone or stop listening to any old song that reminds me of a happy time in my past, I wouldn't expect or want them to do the same either.

Nor would I - do it or expect them to do it.
But I wouldn't expect a new partner to retain a video of him having sex with his ex either.

I don't think you get my point.

It's about the sex video, not nice photos that might bring back happy memories.

DUTR wrote: »

ETA I canot see a post by happytravels as to what happened to the previous partner or how she ended up with her current partner.

Here you go:

happytravells wrote: »

Basically, my marriage ended after 16 years, he had an affair with a customer, we divorced and we sold the marital home split the equity 50/50 joint care of 3 children now 17, 15, 14 and bought my self a house with a 30k mortgage over 20 years, not bad you may think but i only earn 13,100 pa in a school as a T.A so finances have been tough, built up a 5.5k credit card bill and a sofa loan for 1.5k (interest free) Anyway i met my new boyfriend 5 years ago, we took it steady (should have listened to my gut instinct) and we moved into his place about 20 months ago i let my house out for £900 PCM and managed to pay off majority of credit card!! Very happy girl ...... BUT i have found out he lives a very alternative life style, i can not play a part in this and have decided when my house is up for renewal i will have to move back in. I will endevour to save 10 k by april i have 1.2 so far....obs dont earn loads but rent helps any ideas please or just support. thank you

Explains why the OP split up with her husband - but not how she ended up with her current partner (but then again, I never said it did explain that).

I agree with the OP that it's a pity she didn't listen to her gut instinct.

I hope she manages to get rid of this lowlife and rebuilds her life.

duchy

I would check that the download date doesn't coincide with the date he got a new phone and it hasn't always been on his phone and transferred from phone to phone over the years-

Why do you think you should stay with him if he's cheating on you ?

I do believe that if someone has no history of jealousy suddenly become suspicious of a partner they are probably picking up on non verbal signels from them. I know was- I trusted my husband completely yet I knew he was cheating practically from the day he did it - when I later confronted him-I gave him dates and his jaw dropped. I don't know how I knew- but I knew. I didn't check his phone .......but I do understand why someone would when suddenly feeling so certain when before there were no doubts at all.

DUTR

Pollycat wrote: »

You asked me what I would do in a situation that I'm not in, so of course it was a hypothetical question.

As I said in an earlier post, we will just have to agree to disagree on that one.

We agree to differ on that one.

To me - and I am speaking specifically about a sex video with an ex - it's about respecting the person you are with, not about looking fondly back to how an ex-partner may have performed sexually.

To look back fondly of previous times (to me is not disrepsctful) telling a lie to my new GF that they are the best thing since sliced bread would be disrespectful to them
I personally wouldn't find that a problem, so I guess yes, it would be OK (to me).
But if my partner had a video of him having sex with an ex that he has allegedly been split up from for over 5 years, then I would not see that as OK.

I agree you may not see it as OK, and I agree too, Ok to some but not to all, some will find it weird or other derogatory terms they choose to use (perhaps through jealousy)

Nor would I - do it or expect them to do it.
But I wouldn't expect a new partner to retain a video of him having sex with his ex either.

I don't think you get my point.

I do get your point (just that I don't agree with it for the reasons posted before)
It's about the sex video, not nice photos that might bring back happy memories.

The action videos may have more a lustful memory rather than sentimental ones of say holday snaps.

Here you go:


Explains why the OP split up with her husband - but not how she ended up with her current partner (but then again, I never said it did explain that).

I agree with the OP that it's a pity she didn't listen to her gut instinct.

I hope she manages to get rid of this lowlife and rebuilds her life.

Thanks for that, it seems the OP is less fortunate than other posters on the board with their ability to get a match with a suitable partner, let's hope it's 3rd time lucky for her.