suspicions confirmed

HPoirot

DUTR wrote: »

Which should focus the thread on what should the OP now do?

It seems to me the OP already has her self-confidence dented by this man. She knows that if confronted, he will be unapologetic and accuse her of snooping around, yet she is still asking whether she should ignore what she saw and stay with him!


I think she needs to work on herself of an hour, accept that she is worth more than that. Then look into giving notice to tenants, etc. No need for outright confrontation at the outset if all she will get is grief for snooping.


ETA: clarryd has the answer!

Buzzybee90

DUTR wrote: »

I have pictures and videos of ex's , nice to keep memory's from the past, just because you find it weird, as it is not illegal it is not weird (only in your and others that feel that way mind) , snooping is equally as wierd, jealousy for those unaffected is also wierd.

If I was with a female and I suspected them, my toughts would focus on what would I accept if they were and leave or accept it. No need to snoop.

Sure pictures but these sort of pictures? Each to their own tho.

sneekymum

Re : "Large minority"

Pollycat wrote: »

Is it me or is this a contradiction?

I don't think so.

I'd have though a figure like 49% (if it were true) would be a large minority for people with pron on their phones.

Pollycat

DUTR wrote: »

I have pictures and videos of ex's , nice to keep memory's from the past, just because you find it weird, as it is not illegal it is not weird (only in your and others that feel that way mind) , snooping is equally as wierd, jealousy for those unaffected is also wierd.

Are they videos of you having sex with your ex's?

I can understand keeping ordinary photos or even videos - but having sex?

If you keep videos of you having sex with any of your ex-partners, I'm sure I wouldn't be the only one to think that was weird.

DUTR wrote: »

If I was with a female and I suspected them, my toughts would focus on what would I accept if they were and leave or accept it. No need to snoop.

I don't like snooping.
I've never tried to access my OH's phone or email account or anything else personal to him.

But - the OP's partner has denied any involvement with his ex and even suggested that she's crazy to think that there is.

If the OP was suffering from irrational jealousy, I would agree with you about snooping.

But the OP had a valid base for her suspicions.
And that 'snooping' has confirmed them.
Do you think she would be better not having snooped and be oblivious of her partner's deception?
I certainly don't.

Seanymph

Well done for looking. Now you cannot be lied to by this man.

There is nothing wrong with snooping if you have a suspicion - the argument that those being deceived have no right to protect themselves by trying to find out the truth always astounds me! Some argue you should sit there like a mushroom in the dark and allow him to feed whatever rubbish he wants. I'm afraid I don't - I'd be having my OH followed if I suspected something, and completely unashamedly too!

But, now you have found out your suspicions are right, the question is there - what are you going to do.

I'm afraid I too would be working on an exit plan, so my children were as protected as possible through this. They deserve to be raised by adults with a relationship that shows them how things can work out well. Not be in an environment with these sort of tensions.

And you deserve so much better.

stop having sex with him in case you catch something - get checked - evict your tenants - move your money into your account - work out how you will survive financially.

You need to take action now. Ignoring it will never work.

DUTR

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

Sure pictures but these sort of pictures? Each to their own tho.

Indeed it's each to their own, I keep all my photos and how they transfer from one phone to the next is that the memory card or at least the contents is transfered from the old device to the current device, same with the PC. There is no point (to me) discarding all evidence of previous people in my life somewhere along the line they have brought some kind of happiness / contentment along the way, there is no garauntee that the current one is going to be around until death.
People keep letters cards gifts from their past (I still have my latter years school work in the loft) .

I feel even if the content wasn't on the phone for the OP to see, their own inner demon would have kept on until such time suspicions and accusations would have destroyed the relationship in any instance.

Trouble with threads like these is that there becomes a pecking order Her children, her, then him. For him, it's not an enviable place to be.
Did the OP already get dumped by the children's father? Did she dump him, everybody has history.

DUTR

Pollycat wrote: »

Are they videos of you having sex with your ex's?

I can understand keeping ordinary photos or even videos - but having sex?

If you keep videos of you having sex with any of your ex-partners, I'm sure I wouldn't be the only one to think that was weird.


I don't like snooping.
I've never tried to access my OH's phone or email account or anything else personal to him.

But - the OP's partner has denied any involvement with his ex and even suggested that she's crazy to think that there is.

If the OP was suffering from irrational jealousy, I would agree with you about snooping.

But the OP had a valid base for her suspicions.
And that 'snooping' has confirmed them.
Do you think she would be better not having snooped and be oblivious of her partner's deception?
I certainly don't.

People's handsets are personal devices to them though, what content they keep on there is not your or I concern.

The OP sort of did have valid base for her suspicions in a sense it is just as well she found something as finding nothing may have made her feel more irrational.

purpleshoes_2

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Ditto. I'd be making my plans quietly (ie giving the tenants notice, so that I could move back into my own home).

You don't know whether your tenants are the type who would be reasonable/fair-minded/stick to the agreement on the one hand OR "tenants from hell" that would try every legal avenue to prolong the process as long as they could manage to (even though, presumably, they knew it was your home when they rented it - rather than a buy-to-let house). That being the case, try and keep schtum about your plans to your boyfriend until they have actually moved out, just in case it takes months longer than it should to have your home free to move back into.

...and I do know very well I'm advocating something I would find extremely hard to do myself, as I would be gasping to "go for his throat" and tell him whatfor. You might be in for lots of long solitary walks and writing him whatfor-type letters (that you instantly destroy completely, rather than giving them to him) in order to keep your cool whilst you wait for your home to be free to move back into. Do try and keep your cool though and I think it would be a maximum of 6 months before even the nastiest tenants in the world would be gone from your home and you can move back in again.

Have you got a VERY trustworthy friend you can confide in meanwhile...whilst you wait it out? Then, any time you feel tempted to have a go at boyfriend for this you can ring them instead and they will persuade you out of it.

EDIT:Whatever prompted him to keep a video like that on his phone? How tacky and it does rather make me wonder whether (at a subconscious level) he set himself up deliberately hoping you would see it at some point. Maybe he's trying to chuck you indirectly (ie by setting you up to do it for him)? Maybe he's trying to keep you, but have his cake and eat it and that's his way of trying to impose a "cake and eat it" way of living on you against your will? Either way...I wouldn't dream of keeping him in my life for one minute (except the few "plan to move out" months you need).

Not just as simple as giving the tenants notice to quit, she needs to get advice on how to do this depending on how long they have let her property for.

Also, why should they have to be made homeless by the actions of this man? Yes it's her property but anyone reasonable would give them time to find somewhere else, it's not their fault he couldn't keep his trousers up.

DUTR

purpleshoes wrote: »

Not just as simple as giving the tenants notice to quit, she needs to get advice on how to do this depending on how long they have let her property for.

Also, why should they have to be made homeless by the actions of this man? Yes it's her property but anyone reasonable would give them time to find somewhere else, it's not their fault he couldn't keep his trousers up.

As a landlord, she would already be aware of how to do this, she doesn't even have to evict the tenants, the income from the rent may go a long way to covering rent/mortgage elewhere.

Pollycat

DUTR wrote: »

People's handsets are personal devices to them though, what content they keep on there is not your or I concern.

I didn't say it was my concern.

In fact, I believe I made the point that I - that is me personally - have never even tried to access my OH's handset.

I was merely commenting on the fact that - in my opinion - to retain videos of sex with an ex-partner is weird and - again in my opinion - tacky and disrespectful to the person your are currently in a relationship with.

DUTR wrote: »

The OP sort of did have valid base for her suspicions in a sense it is just as well she found something as finding nothing may have made her feel more irrational.

More irrational?
I don't think the OP is being irrational at all.

She clearly had suspicions that had a basis in fact.

And she did find something.
A video of her partner of over 5 years having sex with his ex despite him denying they had a close relationship.