suspicions confirmed

happytravells

I know some will say this is wrong but for quite a while I've had suspicions that my boyfriend of 5 and half years has had a "close " relationship with his ex, he has always denied this and has always said I'm crazy if I think that. Anyway to cut a long story short I saw him put his code in his phone and when he left it on the side I had a look- I was speechless he has a video of himself having sex with the ex, it's a recent video as the video shows the date and place- I've kept calm do far as I live in his home with my children and I'm not sure how to tackle this- we've had our ups and downs, and I have my own home (currently rented out) but I really hoped we would have a future together. So what I'm asking is should I try to forget I found the video or should I confront him, problem is I know he won't be sorry he will make excuses and probably tell me it serves me right for snooping.

pogofish

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Sorry

Guys like this don't usually change, esp not after five years.

If this isn't what you want to live and deal with, I'm afraid you probably know what you need to do, soon.

JIL

Its a very strange thing to have on his phone.
Do you really think it is something you can forget? Time to move on. Be practical, think about what steps you now have to take. For yourself and your children.

PeacefulWaters

You will never forget.

You might be able to forgive. But that doesn't mean you should.

should I try to forget I found the video or should I confront him

You have to confront him if you want a future together. Failing to do so allows him to carry on with his ex unchecked.

trolleyrun

Give notice to your tenants, so you can move back into your own place asap. There's no way I'd live with someone like that - I don't do second best, and neither should you. You deserve better.

FBaby

You will never forget and if you try, it will be the first stage of your self-esteem being wripped apart until you become someone you won't recognise.

However devastating and frightening to face the prospect that the relationship is over and you need to move on, you have to face it. In your shoes, I would keep quiet, but planned my move, however long it takes. Then just go with your children, either saying nothing, or just that you've had all the evidence you needed to know that there is no future for the relationship.

DUTR

JIL wrote: »

Its a very strange thing to have on his phone.
Do you really think it is something you can forget? Time to move on. Be practical, think about what steps you now have to take. For yourself and your children.

What people have on their personal phone is up to them (as long as it's legal) .

I agree the OP has snooped now and will snoop again.
It is something not acceptable to her , so should plan around what she should do from here on end.

Pollycat

Why would you even consider staying with someone who has lied to you and had sex with his ex - and (yuk yuk yuk) videoed the act?

I would quietly make my plans to move back into my own home then go when everything is in place.

Assuming you have a sex life with this low-life, have you considered you may have caught something from him?

moneyistooshorttomention

Ditto. I'd be making my plans quietly (ie giving the tenants notice, so that I could move back into my own home).

You don't know whether your tenants are the type who would be reasonable/fair-minded/stick to the agreement on the one hand OR "tenants from hell" that would try every legal avenue to prolong the process as long as they could manage to (even though, presumably, they knew it was your home when they rented it - rather than a buy-to-let house). That being the case, try and keep schtum about your plans to your boyfriend until they have actually moved out, just in case it takes months longer than it should to have your home free to move back into.

...and I do know very well I'm advocating something I would find extremely hard to do myself, as I would be gasping to "go for his throat" and tell him whatfor. You might be in for lots of long solitary walks and writing him whatfor-type letters (that you instantly destroy completely, rather than giving them to him) in order to keep your cool whilst you wait for your home to be free to move back into. Do try and keep your cool though and I think it would be a maximum of 6 months before even the nastiest tenants in the world would be gone from your home and you can move back in again.

Have you got a VERY trustworthy friend you can confide in meanwhile...whilst you wait it out? Then, any time you feel tempted to have a go at boyfriend for this you can ring them instead and they will persuade you out of it.

EDIT:Whatever prompted him to keep a video like that on his phone? How tacky and it does rather make me wonder whether (at a subconscious level) he set himself up deliberately hoping you would see it at some point. Maybe he's trying to chuck you indirectly (ie by setting you up to do it for him)? Maybe he's trying to keep you, but have his cake and eat it and that's his way of trying to impose a "cake and eat it" way of living on you against your will? Either way...I wouldn't dream of keeping him in my life for one minute (except the few "plan to move out" months you need).

moneyistooshorttomention

Further thought being that, from your childrens' pov, it would be best to keep schtum and, as far as they know all is continuing as normal until you all move out of his home.

If you go for his throat right now (figuratively speaking) then your children would have to live through months of rows and coldness going on whilst waiting to move. It would be best for them not to know until they have to. Some children can be sublimely oblivious to raging tensions going on around them, but even those children couldn't miss blazing rows breaking out at intervals.

Bravo_Zulu

It sounds to me as though the relationship is over really. You're suspicious enough to look through his phone (a worrying sign in itself) and he's sleeping with his ex.

It can only get worse from here on in and as someone has already said, your self esteem will continue to take more of a hammering than it already has.

Walk away, and in a year's time (if not sooner) you'll be wondering why you didn't do it sooner.

Good luck.