New Alcohol self help

RAS

Hi

If you father is drinking a lot, what impact is this having on your parent's finances?

Do they have any joint accounts, does mum have enough to live off? Has he run up huge debts on joint accounts? Are their any exisitng insurance policies to support her?

beverley1471

he will only get help when he admits he has a problem and asks for help, as others have already said. The main thing is that he doesn't try and detox himself as this can be very dangerous and lead to fitting and even death.

My Dad is a alcoholic among other things and is now in a nursing home in his 50's, with a lot of medical problems and brain damage. He's lucky your mum is willing to care for him, as it's not a nice way to die if he gets no help, as others have already pointed out.

Maz

This must be a terrible worry for both you and your Mum.

If you haven't already, start getting as much information and knowledge as you can about alcoholism. The more you understand, the better you'll be equipped to deal with it.

Al-Anon is great for offering support etc to families of alcoholics, so please use them.

sarymclary

Hi Leela G

I'm really sorry for you and your mum.

I have been where your mum is now, and it's a really difficult place to be in. One part of you wants to believe there's a chance the person you love will finally stop drinking, and get better, and go back to how they once were, and then the other part of you would like them to just go away and stop you having to deal with it, and then another part feels really responsible for them too, which is why you stay with them.

My husband died, aged 37 due to the long-term effects of his heavy drinking. He'd had short episodes of being sober, and I helped him to 'dry out' several times, but for the main part was secretly drinking. He rarely appeared to be drunk, although he would 'fall asleep' early each evening, and would slur his words, however he only drank secretly at home, and didn't socialise, or prop up the bar of a local pub all the time. He had a successful career, and held down responsible jobs.

During our marriage, when his drinking was particularly bad, I contacted Al-Anon, and attended local meetings. I have to say it was refreshing to sit amongst people who knew how I felt, and had lived through my experiences too. The problem with any addiction problem, is that it has a shameful face, that we all like to hide, so we continue to enable the person with the addiction, by covering up for them in our own way. Al-Anon is about being able to be open about it. I did feel a bit envious of other members, who's partners were long-time attendees of AA (which met next door), because my husband wouldn't attend. He tried it once, and said it was full of p!ssheads! :-/

I had the same problems of the local GP not being able to intervene. Unless a person wishes to seek help, they can do nothing. It is only when the time comes when they finally fall ill, that they can be hospitalised, but by then it is invariably too late. Many years of heavy drinking do untold damage, and the liver, whilst very resillient, and capable of regeneration, can only do so up to a certain extent. If your father is jaundiced, then that indicates severe liver damage already, and quite likely beyond the realms of recovery.

You have to remind yourself, and your mum, that alcoholism is an addiction, and an illness. Your father is drinking is out of control; he has no control over whether he drinks or not now. He simply has to. To him, drinking is the same for his very existence as eating is for us. He cannot imagine his life without that support, and that is how detox programmes help them to tackle it, because they try to deal with both the physical and mental addiction to it. It has been his faithful friend, always there when life seemed to get a bit tough, or there to celebrate with, or there to take the edge off a hard day, or there to help him forget... so many reasons, and always there. I have spoken to a friend, who is a recovered alcoholic, and he remembers making a decision to drink himself to death aged 30. He said he knew it was going to kill him, and he was prepared for it to happen, in fact it would have been a blessed release from being in the vicious cycle. It was only when he realised, in a brief moment of mild sobriety, that he was going to leave his 2 small sons behind, that he accepted, with a jolt, that he didn't actually want to die and leave them. That was the first step, and the next was asking for help from AA and his GP, and he was placed on a detox programme. He's 10 years dry now, but still needs the support of AA, and attends up to 3 times a week. He knows he will always be just 1 drink away from being addicted again, and will always be an alcoholic, it's just he's one who doesn't drink alcohol now.

To stop altogether would very likely kill him, so it would have to be with medical supervision now, but of course he would need to seek that help himself.

My husband remained reasonably able to keep going right up to the end. He was walking and talking, albeit very yellow, looking like a bloated Homer Simpson. He began to suffer from uncontrollable nose bleeds, had the tremors, suffered from episodes of paranoia and hallucinations. Unfortunately his constant denial that he had a drink problem alienated him from everyone who had ever loved him. Whilst he didn't look at all well, he certainly wasn't expected to die. He spent his last week alone, and isolated, and I would imagine in a great deal of discomfort. He died as the result of a pancreatic haemorrhage, which means that the alcohol made it become so ulcerated that it would have burst, and he would had bled internally, until his blood pressure dropped so much that his heart would have stopped. He most certainly felt very unwell, and was found already dead, by the police who, alerted by neighbours, broke into the house and found him on the floor of the bathroom.

As suggested above, the most important thing for your mum to be receiving now, is some supportive guidance, from people who know what she's having to endure. The road ahead is not likely to be very pleasant, which is why it would be good for her to not feel isolated and alone. You can support her, and be supported yourself, by going along to Al-Anon meetings.

Leela_G

sarymclary wrote: »

Hi Leela G

I'm really sorry for you and your mum.

I have been where your mum is now, and it's a really difficult place to be in. One part of you wants to believe there's a chance the person you love will finally stop drinking, and get better, and go back to how they once were, and then the other part of you would like them to just go away and stop you having to deal with it, and then another part feels really responsible for them too, which is why you stay with them.

My husband died, aged 37 due to the long-term effects of his heavy drinking. He'd had short episodes of being sober, and I helped him to 'dry out' several times, but for the main part was secretly drinking. He rarely appeared to be drunk, although he would 'fall asleep' early each evening, and would slur his words, however he only drank secretly at home, and didn't socialise, or prop up the bar of a local pub all the time. He had a successful career, and held down responsible jobs.

During our marriage, when his drinking was particularly bad, I contacted Al-Anon, and attended local meetings. I have to say it was refreshing to sit amongst people who knew how I felt, and had lived through my experiences too. The problem with any addiction problem, is that it has a shameful face, that we all like to hide, so we continue to enable the person with the addiction, by covering up for them in our own way. Al-Anon is about being able to be open about it. I did feel a bit envious of other members, who's partners were long-time attendees of AA (which met next door), because my husband wouldn't attend. He tried it once, and said it was full of p!ssheads! :-/

I had the same problems of the local GP not being able to intervene. Unless a person wishes to seek help, they can do nothing. It is only when the time comes when they finally fall ill, that they can be hospitalised, but by then it is invariably too late. Many years of heavy drinking do untold damage, and the liver, whilst very resillient, and capable of regeneration, can only do so up to a certain extent. If your father is jaundiced, then that indicates severe liver damage already, and quite likely beyond the realms of recovery.

You have to remind yourself, and your mum, that alcoholism is an addiction, and an illness. Your father is drinking is out of control; he has no control over whether he drinks or not now. He simply has to. To him, drinking is the same for his very existence as eating is for us. He cannot imagine his life without that support, and that is how detox programmes help them to tackle it, because they try to deal with both the physical and mental addiction to it. It has been his faithful friend, always there when life seemed to get a bit tough, or there to celebrate with, or there to take the edge off a hard day, or there to help him forget... so many reasons, and always there. I have spoken to a friend, who is a recovered alcoholic, and he remembers making a decision to drink himself to death aged 30. He said he knew it was going to kill him, and he was prepared for it to happen, in fact it would have been a blessed release from being in the vicious cycle. It was only when he realised, in a brief moment of mild sobriety, that he was going to leave his 2 small sons behind, that he accepted, with a jolt, that he didn't actually want to die and leave them. That was the first step, and the next was asking for help from AA and his GP, and he was placed on a detox programme. He's 10 years dry now, but still needs the support of AA, and attends up to 3 times a week. He knows he will always be just 1 drink away from being addicted again, and will always be an alcoholic, it's just he's one who doesn't drink alcohol now.

To stop altogether would very likely kill him, so it would have to be with medical supervision now, but of course he would need to seek that help himself.

My husband remained reasonably able to keep going right up to the end. He was walking and talking, albeit very yellow, looking like a bloated Homer Simpson. He began to suffer from uncontrollable nose bleeds, had the tremors, suffered from episodes of paranoia and hallucinations. Unfortunately his constant denial that he had a drink problem alienated him from everyone who had ever loved him. Whilst he didn't look at all well, he certainly wasn't expected to die. He spent his last week alone, and isolated, and I would imagine in a great deal of discomfort. He died as the result of a pancreatic haemorrhage, which means that the alcohol made it become so ulcerated that it would have burst, and he would had bled internally, until his blood pressure dropped so much that his heart would have stopped. He most certainly felt very unwell, and was found already dead, by the police who, alerted by neighbours, broke into the house and found him on the floor of the bathroom.

As suggested above, the most important thing for your mum to be receiving now, is some supportive guidance, from people who know what she's having to endure. The road ahead is not likely to be very pleasant, which is why it would be good for her to not feel isolated and alone. You can support her, and be supported yourself, by going along to Al-Anon meetings.

Thank you for posting that, that sound like dejavu to me, he is also becoming very paranoid, thinks we all hate him and that we would be better off if he wasn't here. He has recently started saying that all he wanted was to walk his little girl (me) down the aisle - i got married last year. Its as if he has given up... I really believe if he doesnt stop he wont be here in a year.

Just wish i could help him more but more so help my mum - she is also very ill

quietheart

You poor soul, what an awful position to be in.
My dad is an alcoholic so I understand some of how you must be feeling. It took two heart attacks to stop him and make him realise he would soon be dead if he carried on as he was. We're 20 years on now and he's still dry, I'm eternally grateful to him for taking that difficult step to get help and handle his addiction. It was a rough road but he's alive and all of us have a better life because of it.
Unfortunately you can't help your dad, only he can decide enough is enough. It's your mum that needs support. You dad is ill, he has poisoned his body, the alcohol has affected his brain and made him ultra suspicious and paranoid, just like any poison would affect his rational thinking. Try and remind yourself he has an illness. Looking back we feel my mum enabled my dad's drinking by covering up for him due to extreme embarrassment.
I really feel for you, I know me and my siblings were a bag of nerves after living with an alcoholic, you can't know how awful it is until you've been there.
Take care and good luck, get support from al-anon and look after you and your mum x

esmf73

Sary,
This must be extremely difficult for you (and everyone else who has personal experience) to talk about - but I'm sure it will be useful to the OP, so thank you very much.

I have no experience with Alcohol, but can confirm what others are saying - in order for the NHS to kick in and provide counselling / assistance the patient has to admit that they need help. This can take a while. Best of luck.

xxx

sarymclary

Thank you esmf73. Yes, it is difficult, but that is mainly the reason why I chose to share my story with the OP, because when I was 'there', I felt very isolated, and unable to share what was going on with even my direct family. I tried to speak to my in-laws, who were very close to their son, but they dealt with the situation by trying to ignore it. That just acts as another enabler. I was the only person who felt capable of standing up and talking about 'the elephant in the room'. I wasn't necessarily thanked for it however, and the fall-out after my husband's death was unpleasant, and a lot of blame and hatred was flung in my direction. It is never a decision you can take lightly, and you know that you are in effect handing over full responsibility to the alcoholic to care for themselves, rather than you trying to control their addiction by any means possible (even if it is just pouring what you find down the sink!), but I had 4 young children to consider, and it was never my intention to be stood at a graveside with them, when the youngest was only 3 years old, trying to explain why their daddy had gone away forever.

It is nigh on impossible to get into the mindset of an addict, if you haven't been one. I may have lived many years with one, but I have no idea what drove him to drink, and why he continued to do so when his health was so clearly deteriorating. Having spoken to other recovered addicts, and reading about it has made me realise that the alcohol was used as a coping mechanism, and a means of escape. There were clearly aspects of his life that he felt unable to deal with, whether that came down to low self-esteem, wanting to do better but unsure how to, feeling depressed, using it as a crutch. I think a multitude of emotions and needs can be momentarily eradicated in alcohol, but when they sober up they are all still there, along with the self-loathing for being so horribly addicted to alcohol, and so they drink to forget that too.

It takes a very brave person to decide to deal with their addiction, but they also have to feel that there is still a life worth living afterwards... that's where my husband couldn't look forward, because he couldn't face the thought of a life stone cold sober, and dealing with his demons, and he was too stubborn and embarrassed (and dare I say, selfish) to tell anyone, or to ask for help.

Leela G, have you taken your mum to the GP to ask for some support within her community? I think it might help her to learn to understand that your dad's alcoholism is not her problem, but his, and that all the love and support in the world from her is not going to make him better. The only time my husband completely dried out, and maintained it for about 3 years, was when he hit a complete rock bottom, where I refused to have him in the house with the children, and his parents and siblings refused to have him with them either. He had to be totally alone, and realise that in order to make the change. He did admit later though, that he did realise that he could easily have drunk himself to death quite quickly at that point (unable to keep food down, relying on high sugar drinks to stabilise the shakes, urine that was almost black, then not peeing for days, etc). I do believe that the majority of alcoholics aren't even aware at how far down the road they are in their stage of alcoholism, and when they are nearing a point of no return. I also think that if they go through episodes of ill health, where they think it might be too late, and then recover, they become almost blase, and feel they're death defying.

It is important to note that once jaundice occurs, this is a sign of advanced liver cirrhosis, and entering a stage they are unlikely to recover from. It may be worthwhile for your mum to become as well informed as possible about what the stages ahead may be, and attempt to convey that to your dad. Drinking yourself to death is not the same as getting drunk and falling asleep, it is debilitating, painful and undignified. Perhaps your dad just doesn't know this? How do you think your mum would cope with that, bearing in mind her own illnesses? Your dad will find caring for himself more difficult if he continues.

Have you talked to your mum about when your dad's drinking began, and whether there was a specific trigger for it, or has it just been something that snowballed out of control? I'm wondering if he was self-medicating for depression? If he could be encouraged to seek the right therapy, and have the desire to do it himself, that would be best.

Here's a link to a site that outlines liver disease in the alcoholic, for info:
http://www.puristat.com/livercleansing/alcoholicliver.aspx
http://adam.about.com/reports/Cirrhosis.htm

rose28454

Hi
My oh has been an alcoholic for 20 odd years and it was only after I asked him to leave that he finally asked for help and has been dry for 21 months now. People always told me I should stop saving him and let him reach rock bottom and it was only when he did and I walked away that he finally helped himself. I know he did a lot of harm to my 2 grown up kids emotionally and I can only imagine how you feel. You say your Mum is ill aswell so you need to concentrate on helping her. Is it possible she could leave him? I have lost a lot of my life and although I wont be left with much when I sell up and pay my debts piece of mind is worth thousands. I tried Al Anon aswell and they are wonderful. Many hugs and remember look after your Mum and yourself and leave him to look after himself.

far2812

I am devastated. My partner has managed 7 months sobriety and has just called me drunk from the pub.

Basically, I have just come home and it is obvious he hasn't been at home all day! The poor dog is crossing his legs.

OH managed 7 months sobriety and for some stupid reason has ended up drinking again in the pub.....

My problem.............he is abusive when drunk..........I am kind of dreading him coming home!

I haven't got any family (or friends really - as he has managed to put a distance between us and them!)

I am gutted!