New Alcohol self help

londoner1998

LoopyLinz wrote: »

Well I guess the title probably says it all. My mums only sister is an alcoholic. Up until 2 years ago she had a fantastic job and everything going for her, two wonderful kids (well they are 13 and 16) a great family and then she started drinking and in the past two years it has been a slippery slope.

She has broken promises so many time to stop drinking, she has let herself go and her relationship with her kids is pretty non existant. Two weeks ago she landed herself in hospital through her drinking and has jaundice, liver damage and an attitude that I could slap right out of her. I know that sounds horrible but she is tearing my family apart. My sister hadnt spoken to her in over a year (which in itself created a horrible atmosphere) however she held out the olive branch so to speak and went to visit her in hospital. When she tried to explain to my auntie the reasons she hadnt wanted to be in contact with her my auntie told her not to worry that it was all forgotten and she didnt hold any grudges!!! She seems to think the world owes her something and has everyone running around after her. When she was admitted to hospital I went to her house to see my cousins and was horrified at what greeted me. It was disgusting, dirty, their spare bedroom was full of dirty clothes, the curtains were handing off the rails. I spent hours getting it back to some sort of home and I know that as soon as she gets out of hospital it will end up right back the way it was cause she knows someone wil come along and pick up the pieces.

She literally is tearing my family apart. My Nannie and Granda are in their 70's and this is breaking their hearts, they have done everything they can for her and she just keeps throwing it back in their faces. They have paid for her to see a councellor, they have helped her practically and financially. My mum and dad (despite not being well off) have bought my cousins school uniforms, clothes, grocerys) I should probably point out that her husband is still at home but to be honest is pretty useless. He still drinks (all be it socially.......though I wouldnt exactly call it that) I do believe that although they live in the same house they more or less lead separate lives.

I know this post sounds harsh and very unsympathetic, I know that alcoholism is an illness but I honestly dont think she will stop until she has pulled our family apart and put my nannie and granda in an early grave.

I am a mess, Im sat at my desk crying my eyes out (thankfully there is no one else here) and I am taking my nannie to see her tonight, the very thought of seeing her lying there with her smug little attitude scares me because Im not sure how much longer I will be able to bite my tongue for.

Has anyone been in this position and can offer any advice as to how we deal with this?

Thanks
Linz xox

Oh, Linz
I feel for you. My mother died of alcoholism when she was only 49 and I was 13. Alcoholism is something that, having experienced it at such young age, I woudln't wish upon anybody. I read your post and I can see my home and my life then described in it. The chaos, the filth, the fear...Like your auntie, my mum had a couple of interventions from her sister, who came to visit (my dad tried to help but was at his wits end) when I must have been about 9 and was horrified at what she found. They had a chat, and I remember her sitting there listening to her family as if she had been a naughty girl and was being reprimanded. Defiant. Dismissive. It lasted two months. She drank behind closed doors and she my dad lead separate lives. The fights and arguments ended up being constant. The police came to our home often. She was always drunk. Always in pain.

Please, try to get her help. I know it is almost an impossible task, as she needs to admit to herslef she has a problem, as she will not. Having a husband that drinks and doesn't care will not help, but her children are suffering the most unbearable pain. Please do not let them go through what I went through. Once Sunday afternoon I opened her bedroom door and she was there. I knew she was dead. That was the end of her suffering.
You need to remember that she drinks because she is in pain. Not becasue she wants to, but because somehow alcohol dulls the sense of self and the pain. It is an illness of the soul, it corrodes the moral fabric and dehumanises people, takes away any will power they might have had. I know, I saw it. It is brutal and insidious and destroys everything around it.
Like you , I was angry and hated her with all my might because of what she was doing to us. Now, as an adult, I can better understand that she was in pain, she was feeling alone and the only pain relief she found was alcohol. It run in her family too, so after losing her parents, she lost herself too. I can forgive now that I have also lost my beloved dad and felt the extreme pain and loneliness that cames with grief.
Please, try to show some humanity to her if you can and use it to persuade her to go get help.

I would also encourage you to get in touch with AA. They help relatives too and it is a great starting point. You need to take care of her children too. This is already destroying their lifes.
I can't offer anything other than my own experience, but I know what you are going through and I really hope it helps you to at least share it. When I was growing up , this was my shameful secret. PM if you want, I understand this is very difficult for you.

kitekat

Tough love and Al-anon are my suggestions,you can do zilch about the Alcoholics drinking and behaviour,but you can get help for yourself and learn to stop your own enabling behaviour by going to Al-anon.

esmerelda98

LoopyLinz, understand that there is a physical addiction to alcohol which in itself is difficult to overcome, as she has basically trained her body to 'need' alcohol. More of a problem is the psychological addiction. She has used alcohol as a coping mechanism for many years, many of her routines and friendships will revolve around alcohol. With many of her family and old friends turning away from her, she will turn to her drinker pals even more. People with asthmatic children will still often smoke in their homes, despite knowing the harm cigarette smoke does to their child's condition. Despite the strong desire to give up, giving up any addiction is hard. Addicts often despise themselves, but still go back to their drug. I'm not telling you this so you have sympathy for her, just to help understand how people can continue to destroy themselves and those around them even though they can see what they are doing. You need to try and find a way to detach from the situation, in order to preserve your sanity, as only she can summon up the willpower to finally beat her demons, and they really are demons.

londoner1998

feelinggood wrote: »

Sorry to continue to take this off topic.

You've made a sweeping generalisation and it just isn't true. It is also worth mentioning that many alcoholics (the majority I've met) also have a relative who suffered. It isn't a clean cut bad/good divide. I'm an alcoholic, and also a victim. I certainly always cared about those around me. In my experience alcoholics drink inspite of caring, and are racked with guilt and shame. It isn't that they don't care. They do, but love cannot cure addiction.

Yes, it is a vicious circle and the dehumanising aspect of it is that this problem prevents other people from realising that ins pite of all the pain they are causing, they simply can't stop. The shame of it perpetuates the problem. Not as simple as saying 'they don't care, they don't want to stop'.

Running_Horse

My experience of AA is that it replaces one addiction with another; religion. Because alcoholics tend to have addictive personalities there will often be chain smoking and ultra strong cups of coffee and prescription drugs. The pentecostal religion was often as bad as the drink, with pathetic exorcisms and withdrawal from mainstream society and removal from schools.

Al Anon was OK as a support group, but still tends to put the needs of the drinker centre stage, which is where we came in. I make no apology for advising withdrawal from the situation once the children have been taken care of. Then it is up to the drinker to prove their worth.

feelinggood_2

Running_Horse wrote: »

My experience of AA is that it replaces one addiction with another; religion. Because alcoholics tend to have addictive personalities there will often be chain smoking and ultra strong cups of coffee and prescription drugs. The pentecostal religion was often as bad as the drink, with pathetic exorcisms and withdrawal from mainstream society and removal from schools.

Can I ask what your experience of AA is?

A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution.

Dave101t

i dont have experience of alcoholics, but thats just the catalyst here. the issue is the family, id just keep away from her, its your auntie, not your mother or sister, keep away and keep safe.

kitekat

I think Alcoholism is a mental and physical illness that not only affects the Alcoholic, but everyone involved with them also become mentally and physically ill,its the nature of the illness.I dont agree that the Alcoholic swaps drink for religion in AA,often the Alcoholic totally stops believing in GOD or anything remotely religious and as people in AA keep saying its a spiritual programme not a religious one.

Jennifer_Jane

Agree with Running Horse's posts (I am daughter of an alcoholic who died of cirrhosis of the liver at age 50 - it was a terrible childhood). People may do well to read 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne - the families of alcoholics will, I'm sure, find familiarity in it.

So, to LoopyLinz, all you can do is get more information and help from AlAnon, and more importantly try to help your cousins. So very sad - let your cousins know that this is not the right behaviour and that they have long lives ahead and should concentrate on schoolwork and getting themselves as independent as possible in the shortest period of time. At some stage they will have to walk away from the situation, so they will need to have as many life skills as possible. It's up to them to do this, as they are not getting parental help.

So sorry to hear this, and all the posters whose family histories written here - it's brought it all back and I am so glad that I left home at 16 and fended for myself from there.

Very best of luck, Linz.

Jen
x

LoopyLinz

Wow! Thank you for all your replies and advice. It is good to see things from both sides.

I think I know deep down that for my own sanity I need to take a step back. I am a mess and I know that I cannot keep going the way I am. I cannot however walk away completely and watch her tear what is left of my family apart.

I will from now on make my cousins my priority, because of how things have been they are more like a brother and sister to me and I cannot see them suffer any more than they already have. Thank you to all who have recommended the sites for alteen, I will have a look and see what info we can get from them.

I am still angry at how she is acting about the whole thing. She seems to think everything is rosey, like there is no big issue. I am taking my nannie to the hospital tonight to see her and will try hard to bite my tongue.....I know I will be wasting my breath to have a go at her so there is no point. I am trying hard to understand why she is doing what she is however right now all I can feel is anger towards her and all I see is the most selfish person I have ever known. Im not sure I will ever change the way I feel towards her.

I will however be making it clear that unless she stops drinking now, not next week or next month I will have nothing to do with her. Harsh maybe but I do not believe she wants to help herself. I do not believe the fact that she has been told that unless she stops drinking now she will die has had any sort of effect on her. The words Im sorry have yet to be spoken by her, I know they arent going to magically make things better but they would be a start!

Sorry for the long ramble again! Thank you all for your words and advice, they are very much appreciated.

Linz xox